Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Picks 2009 Week 16, where we got our lump of coal a week early.

After having several good weeks in a row, The Hoser hit the nog hard and stumbled to an awful 4-10-2 mark against the spread and just 8-8 straight up. San Diego’s struggles with the Bengals cost us the Lock of the Week and the Trifecta.

Due to my illness and the Christmas rush here in The Hoser’s workshop, it’ll just be the picks this week with an occasional observation. Those, however, are more than likely just as funny as what we normally do.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as getting your wife that lingerie in an "XL" for Christmas.

Seattle (+14) at GREEN BAY [41.5]: Hammered by Tampa last week, here are other Bays which could beat Seattle – Green Bay, The Bay of Fundy, Jason Bay and any random cast of Baywatch. Packers 37, Seahawks 14.

Oakland (+3) at CLEVELAND [38]: The Raiders are about as predictable as Al Davis off his meds (Editor’s note: The Hoser has no knowledge of Mr. Davis actually being on any type of medication. If he isn’t, however, he should be.). Browns 20, Raiders 16.

Kansas City (+13) at CINCINNATI [40]: Bengals 27, Chiefs 17.

Buffalo (+9) at ATLANTA [41]: Falcons 24, Bills 17.

Houston (+3) at MIAMI [45]: Congrats to Ricky Williams for topping 1,000 rushing yards this season. No, there’s not a marijuana joke coming. Dolphins 22, Texans 17.

Carolina (+7.5) at NY GIANTS [42.5]: Anyone else sick of Gilly on SNL yet? Giants 26, Panthers 19.

Tampa Bay (+14) at NEW ORLEANS [49]: Saints 33, Buccaneers 14.

Jacksonville (+8) at NEW ENGLAND [43.5]: Patriots 24, Jaguars 14.

Baltimore (+3) at PITTSBURGH [42]: Steelers 20, Ravens 19.

Denver (+7) at PHILADELPHIA [41.5]: The Eagles awarded Michael Vick the Ed Block Courage Award this week. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Eagles 26, Broncos 20.

St. Louis (+14) at ARIZONA [43.5]: Cardinals 28, Rams 17.

Detroit (+13) at SAN FRANCISCO [41]: Putting Calvin Johnson in Detroit’s offense is like giving Van Gogh one of those Stanley paint sprayers. 49ers 26, Lions 10.

New York Jets (+5.5) at INDIANAPOLIS [40.5]: Will Peyton play past the first quarter? Does it really matter? Colts 27, Jets 14.

Dallas (-7) at WASHINGTON [42]: Do you get the idea Jim Zorn draws up plays on toilet paper while he’s in the can? Cowboys 24, Racists 19.

Minnesota (-7) at CHICAGO [41]: Here’s a tip for Brett Favre: Quarterbacks run the offense on the field, while head coaches run the entire time all the time. Note the difference. Vikings 23, Bears 14.

Lock of the Week: Miami
Trifecta: Miami, Indianapolis, Minnesota

2009 Week 14 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-8
Against The Spread: 4-10-2
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-1,200

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 156-67
Against The Spread: 118-104-4
Lock of the Week: 8-7
Trifecta: 3-12
Money: $+1,530

2009 Week 15 Money Spent: $0
2009 Week 15 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $215
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-15

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Just throwing this up there -- sick as a dog and headed to bed:

San Diego (-5) at TENNESSEE: We're rooting for Chris Johnson, but we're betting on the Chargers. Chargers 30, Titans 24.

Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Picks 2009 Week 15, where we're just flat out of time.

The Hoser continued to roll in Week 14, posting a 10-6 record against the spread and 12-4 straight up. The Cowboys didn’t let us down, choking one off against the Chargers to nail down the Lock. Unfortunately, Arizona and its amazing juggling act cost us the Trifecta. Can’t have everything – where would you put it? (Remind me to send a nickel to Steven Wright.)

Many of these lines are lifted from vegasinsider.com because Danny Sheridan wouldn’t list the lines on games with major injuries. We understand, but we don’t have that problem because our picks are about as scientific as a Baptist revival.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as waiting until the last minute and buying your wife's gifts at the 7-11.

Indianapolis (-3) at JACKSONVILLE [43]: Apparently the Jaguar mascot got hung up 100 feet in the air over the field before last week's game. Pretty fitting metaphor for Jacksonville's progress this season, huh? Colts 23, Jaguars 17.

Dallas (+7.5) at NEW ORLEANS [53.5]: Think the Cowboys have started booking their February golf outings yet? Saints 31, Cowboys 23.

Green Bay (+2) at PITTSBURGH [41]: Ah, we remember when Mike Tomlin was a young genius. Didn't that happen to Eric Mangini? Packers 22, Steelers 19.

Miami (+3) at TENNESSEE [40]: One streak ends and another begins. Titans 24, Dolphins 20.

New England (-7) at BUFFALO [40.5]: Functioning without an offensive coordinator this season, the Patriots have had trouble scoring. Too bad you can’t say the same for that mascot dude. Patriots 24, Bills 14.

Arizona (-12) at DETROIT [46.5]: If the Cardinals turn the ball over seven times this week, they’re still going to win, aren’t they? Cardinals 37, Lions 17.

San Francisco (+8) at PHILADELPHIA [42.5]: The Hoser released 49ers tight end Vernon Davis from his fantasy team last season. Twice. No, we're not winning our league this year, either. Eagles 27, 49ers 17.

Atlanta (+5) at NY JETS [NL]: When is Broadway Mark Sanchez going to do a pantyhose ad? Jets 21, Falcons 19.

Chicago (+11) at BALTIMORE [40.5]: You know things are going bad when Bears fans are fondly reminiscing about the Dick Jauron era. Ravens 23, Bears 14.

Cleveland (+1.5) at KANSAS CITY [37]: There's nothing funny about this match-up. Chiefs 20, Browns 17.

Houston (-10) at ST. LOUIS [43]: The line on this game is delayed because Rams quarterback Marc Bulger may be sidelined again. We can’t figure out if that would move it for or against St. Louis, though. Texans 29, Rams 16.

Cincinnati (+6.5) at SAN DIEGO [43.5]: RIP Chris Henry. Chargers 26, Bengals 17.

Oakland (+14) at DENVER [37]: This is a statement game. For the Broncos, it's a chance to solidify their playoff hopes. For the Raiders, it's another chance to say, "Yes, we completely fucked up our last few first-round draft picks." Broncos 31, Raiders 13.

Tampa Bay (+6.5) at SEATTLE [39.5]: These two teams should skip the game and have an "Ugliest Alternate Uniform" catwalkoff. Seahawks 27, Buccaneers 17.

Minnesota (-9) at CAROLINA [43]: Tougher to kick -- a crack addiction or our reliance on Jake Delhomme jokes. We've got the shakes thinking about him retiring already. Vikings 38, Panthers 17.

NY Giants (-3) at WASHINGTON [44]: We hate to admit it, but Washington starting to look pretty decent. Ugh ... we need a shower. Racists 23, GIants 22.

Lock of the Week: San Diego
Trifecta: San Diego, Minnesota, Green Bay

2009 Week 14 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 12-4
Against The Spread: 10-6
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $740

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 148-59
Against The Spread: 114-94-2
Lock of the Week: 8-6
Trifecta: 3-11
Money: $+2,730

2009 Week 14 Money Spent: $0
2009 Week 14 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $215
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-15

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Just posting the score for tonight's game -- the rest of The Hoser will follow tomorrow.

Indianapolis (-3) at JACKSONVILLE [43]: Apparently the Jaguar mascot got hung up 100 feet in the air over the field before last week's game. Pretty fitting metaphor for Jacksonville's progress this season, huh? Colts 23, Jaguars 17.

Another solid week for The Hoser, although Kurt Warner deciding to turn back the clock and help his team become the Arizona Turnovers cost us the Trifecta.

Lock of the Week: San Diego
Trifecta: New York Jets, San Diego, Arizona

2009 Week 14 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 12-4
Against The Spread: 10-6
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $740

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 148-59
Against The Spread: 114-94-2
Lock of the Week: 8-6
Trifecta: 3-11
Money: $+2,730

Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Picks 2009 Week 14, where we’ll be doing our Christmas shopping wherever Falcons defensive tackle Jonathan Babineaux pick up his one-and-a-half ounce goodie bag.

The Hoser was above .500 again at 9-7 both against the spread and straight up, but the Saints struggling against Washington cost us both our Lock and the Trifecta. We’re still up for the year, but the run of Locks is over and this week, it doesn’t look much better.

New England head coach Bill Belichick sent four players home Wednesday after they were late for an 8 a.m. meeting. Linebacker Adalius Thomas said, “You can't run people over getting to work, so there ain't nothing to really apologize (for).” Apparently, he never caught a ride with Randy Moss.

In other tangentially sports-related news, Tiger and Elin Woods are now rumoured to be moving to a private island in Scandinavia to get away from the publicity. Real reason – Ekin doesn’t know it, but the Swedish Bikini Team’s training facilities are on the next island over.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as turning your back on Flozell Adams.

Pittsburgh (-10) at CLEVELAND [33]: There could be less scoring here than in the Woods compound this weekend. Steelers 19, Browns 10.

Denver (+7) at INDIANAPOLIS [44]: Indianapolis has struggled early in games all season. That’ll keep this one tight enough until the end to let the Broncos cover. Colts 26, Broncos 21.

Cincinnati (+6.5) at MINNESOTA [43]: So apparently all you have to stop the Vikings is shut down Adrian Peterson. And all you have to do solve the world’s energy problems is create cold fusion. Vikings 24, Bengals 20.

NY Jets (-3) at TAMPA BAY [37]: Somewhere, “Ice Road Truckers” is on. Go find it. Jets 20, Buccaneers 14.

Buffalo (PK) at KANSAS CITY [37]: Ryan Fitzpatrick vs. Matt Cassel. Not exactly Montana vs. Marino, is it? Bills 21, Chiefs 17.

Green Bay (-3) at CHICAGO [41]: Officials have now announced the reason the Salahis were able to sneak into a White House dinner – the Secret Service hired off-duty Green Bay offensive linemen as security. Packers 23, Bears 17.

New Orleans (-10.5) at ATLANTA [50]: That wasn’t a bullet the Saints dodged last week – it was an ICBM. It won’t be so rough this week. Saints 30, Falcons 20.

Detroit (+13.5) at BALTIMORE [40]: In their last three games, the Ravens have faced Indianapolis, Pittsburgh and Green Bay. Welcome then, Baltimore, to what is known as your “informal bye week.” Ravens 26, Lions 16.

Miami (+3) at JACKSONVILLE [44]: The Jaguars are 7-5 despite being outscored 225-273 this season. Go ahead and make that Scooby-Doo “UhhHH?!?” noise – we did. (And yes, Scooby-Doo is hyphenated. We checked.) Jaguars 23, Dolphins 21.

Carolina (+13.5) at NEW ENGLAND [44]: The Panthers are saying Matt Moore is starting at quarterback because of Jake Delhomme’s finger. That’s only because it’s considered rude to list Delhomme as “Questionable: Sucks Ass” on the injury report. Patriots 27, Panthers 16.

Seattle (+6) at HOUSTON [44.5]: This doesn’t have anything to do with the game, but are people still buying their daughters Bratz dolls for Christmas? Seriously? “Hey, hun, play with these little training whores!” Texans 27, Seahawks 20.

St. Louis (+13) at TENNESSEE [41]: There is some good news for the Rams … actually, no, there isn’t. We were hoping we’d think of something before the end of this sentence. Titans 27, Rams 16.

Washington (-1) at OAKLAND [37.5]: Who’s having the tougher time getting a win in the nation’s capital these days – the football team or Obama? Amiright? Raiders 22, Racists 20.

San Diego (+3) at DALLAS [48.5]: Did you know the Cowboys are 15-27 in December since 2000? We bet Jerry Jones knows, and he’ll be sure to tell Wade Phillips when he cans him at the end of the season. Chargers 30, Cowboys 23.

Philadelphia (+1) at NY GIANTS [44.5]: Swear to God, if you click to the Eagles’ home page from nfl.com right now, they have an intro using the same music Spongebob Squarepants uses for Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy episodes. Don’t ask how we know that. Eagles 24, Giants 21.

Arizona (-3.5) at SAN FRANCISCO [44.5]: Is there some reason Brett Favre gets all the love he does and Kurt Warner gets little to no attention? Who has the better story, and which one is not a self-absorbed prima donna? Cardinals 27, 49ers 17.

Lock of the Week: San Diego
Trifecta: New York Jets, San Diego, Arizona

2009 Week 13 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 9-7
Against The Spread: 9-7
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-470

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 136-55
Against The Spread: 104-86-2
Lock of the Week: 7-6
Trifecta: 3-10
Money: $+1,990

2009 Week 10 Money Spent: $0
2009 Week 10 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $215
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-15

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Picks 2009 Week 13, where we promise to refrain from any Tiger Woods one-liners – at least until the third graph.

The Hoser squeaked over the .500 mark against the spread at 8-7-1 and was 13-3 straight up. What we’ve learned this season is to stop picking schmucks as the Lock, as Indianapolis came through for us again to put us in the black for the week. What wev haven’t learned is to stop picking schmucks in our Trifecta, and the Raiders sank us once again.

Are we at the third graph yet?

We thought about doing an all-Tiger week, but why take food out of Jay Leno’s mouth? Seriously, though, Tiger will lose tons of endorsements, but we think he could hook up with Astroglide. He’ll need a case after the divorce reaming that might be coming down the pike.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as not having that fire hydrant at the end of your driveway painted a really bright shade of yellow.

NY Jets (-3) at BUFFALO [37]: The Bills will put Ryan Fitzpatrick under centre again. Fitzpatrick played his college ball at Harvard, which means if he has any success at all he’ll be smart enough to get the hell out of Buffalo when his contract’s up. Bills 20, Jets 19.

Denver (-4.5) at KANSAS CITY [38]: Does anyone else play for the Chiefs besides Chris Chambers? Broncos 24, Chiefs 17.

Oakland (+14.5) at PITTSBURGH [37]: Yep. We’ll bite again. Steelers 24, Raiders 13.

Houston (PK) at JACKSONVILLE [46.5]: We know it says, “Pick ‘em,” but do we have to? Jaguars 23, Texans 21.

Tennessee (+6.5) at INDIANAPOLIS [47]: Oof. How do you pick against an undefeated powerhouse like the Colts? Just like this. Titans 22, Colts 19.

Philadelphia (-5.5) at ATLANTA [44]: No Matt Ryan. No Michael Turner. No chance. Eagles 26, Falcons 14.

Detroit (+13) at CINCINNATI [42]: The Lions may be forced to play third-string QB Drew Stanton, and if he gets hurt, Eric Hipple will be warming up. Bengals 27, Lions 17.

New Orleans (-9.5) at WASHINGTON [47.5]: You guys are aware the Saints just beat the Patriots like Elin beat … oh, nevermind. Saints 34, Redskins 16.

Tampa Bay (+6.5) at CAROLINA [40]: Panthers QB Jake Delhomme will apparently miss this contest with a broken finger, which raises the question – how could they tell? Buccaneers 20, Panthers 19.

St. Louis (+9) at CHICAGO [41]: This is our sneaky pick of the week, but not because we know anything special about the Rams. We just know the Bears totally suck. Bears 21, Rams 17.

San Diego (-13) at CLEVELAND [43]: You know who could straighten out the Browns? Former University of Kansas head coach Mark Mangino. Well, straighten them out or eat them. Chargers 34, Browns 10.

San Francisco (PK) at SEATTLE [41.5]: We know it’s tough to play in Seattle, but this line makes it seem like the seventh level of Hell. And everyone knows that’s in Oakland. 49ers 23, Seahawks 20.

Minnesota (-5) at ARIZONA [48]: Kurt Warner comes back from a concussion for the Cardinals just in time to get his head beaten in by Jared Allen. Vikings 27, Cardinals 21.

Dallas (-2.5) at NY GIANTS [45]: In our heads, we still hear Pat Summerall calling these games. Cowboys 21, Giants 20.

New England (-6) at MIAMI [46.5]: Given the season so far and the negativity around the Pats, doesn’t it seem like their record should be much worse than 7-4? They’re leading their division by two games, people! Patriots 24, Miami 21.

Baltimore (+3) at GREEN BAY [43.5]: We’d give you an over/under on sacks on Aaron Rodgers, but we still don’t know how to make the infinity sign on our keyboard. Packers 22, Ravens 13.

Lock of the Week: New Orleans
Trifecta: Denver, New Orleans, Green Bay

2009 Week 12 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 13-3
Against The Spread: 8-7-1
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $430

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 127-48
Against The Spread: 95-79-2
Lock of the Week: 7-5
Trifecta: 3-9
Money: $2,460

2009 Week 10 Money Spent: $10
2009 Week 10 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $215
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-15

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Welcome to The Hoser's NFL Picks 2009 Week 12, where we’re donating some of our winnings to buy Devin Hester a new butt. As you saw, his has a crack in it.

The Hoser again went a cruddy 8-8 against the spread and an easy 14-2 straight up, which of course counts for nothing. The freaking Packers cost us our Trifecta by a half-point, but the Lock on Indy put us in the black again. That boosts us over $2,000 profit for the year – in fake money.

Here in Canada we celebrated Thanksgiving more than a month ago, which means The Hoser is now down to a half a Corningware dish of green-bean casserole. We had some this morning while we watched the parade from New York. Is there anything that doesn’t have a musical adapation right now? What’s next – “Pepto Bismol: Indigestion In Song?” Actually, we might see that if Andrew Lloyd Webber isn’t involved.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Lucy hold the ball.

Green Bay (-10.5) at DETROIT [47.5]: Here’s your annual chance to see the Lions get stuffed. Packers 30, Lions 20.

Oakland (+13.5) at DALLAS [40]: Talk about your home cooking for Dallas’s schedule. Still, with Bruce Gradkowski under center for the Raiders, this game might not be such a turkey after all. Cowboys 28, Raiders 17.

NY Giants (-6.5) at DENVER [42]: The Broncos or canned cranberry sauce – which will be less popular this Thursday? Giants 23, Broncos 17.

Indianapolis (-3) at HOUSTON [NL]: It may be turkey time, but if Texans kicker Kris Brown misses one more important field goal, his goose will be cooked. Colts 24, Texans 17.

Cleveland (+14) at CINCINNATI [38.5]: The Bengals rebound and gobble up Cleveland. Bengals 31, Browns 19.

Chicago (+10.5) at MINNESOTA [47]: Thanksgiving means a lot to Vikings quarterback Brett Favre. After all, he was alive for the first one. Vikings 33, Bears 19.

Washington (+9) at PHILADELPHIA [41]: Wouldn’t this be a great day for Washington to change its name? Eagles 27, Redskins 13.

Miami (-3) at BUFFALO [40]: If Dolphins running back Ricky Williams told you to stop by for Thanksgiving dinner and that he would be smoking a turkey … what would you expect? Dolphins 26, Bills 16.

Arizona (+3) at TENNESSEE [NL]: Only six more to go! Titans 24, Cardinals 20.

Seattle (-3) at ST LOUIS [42.5]: Like watching two sissy cousins fighting over the last piece of mincemeat pie. Seahawks 23, Rams 17.

Tampa Bay (+12) at ATLANTA [46]: This won’t be much of a contest, but at least the Creamsicle uniforms would look nice set against the changing of the leaves. Falcons 31, Buccaneers 13.

Carolina (+3) at NY JETS [41.5]: Could Drew Stafford be more accurate with his separated left arm than either of the quarterbacks playing in this game throwing with their rights? Jets 26, Panthers 19.

Jacksonville (+3) at SAN FRANCISCO [41.5]: 49ers – that’s about what our pants size will be on Friday morning. 49ers 22, Jaguars 17.

Kansas City (+13.5) at SAN DIEGO [45]: Speaking of holidays, Christmas came early for the Chiefs last week. Expect the Grinch this Sunday. Chargers 34, Chiefs 17.

Pittsburgh (PK) at BALTIMORE [NL]: Around your (Santonio) Holmes or (Ziggy) Hood, you could make a nice (Charlie) Batch of cookies – just be sure not to (Joe) Burnett. No comment about what dinner could do to your (Willie) Colon. Steelers 20, Ravens 17.

New England (+3) at NEW ORLEANS [56]: Thanksgiving in New Orleans – if women flash you, do you throw drumsticks? Saints 31, Patriots 27.

Lock of the Week: Indianapolis
Trifecta: Indianapolis, Miami, Oakland

2009 Week 11 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 14-2
Against The Spread: 8-8
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $320

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 114-45
Against The Spread: 87-72-1
Lock of the Week: 6-5
Trifecta: 3-8
Money: $2,030

2009 Week 10 Money Spent: $20
2009 Week 10 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $205
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-5

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Welcome to 2009 Week 11 of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where our Lock is actually sort of becoming, well … a Lock.

The Hoser came back to earth Week 10. After a three-week run of 25-13-1 against the spread, we were just 7-8 ATS and 9-6 straight up. Oakland cost us the Trifecta, but San Diego came through on the Lock again, which made us money for the week. Dare we make it three weeks in a row?

The Browns gave up a touchdown to Baltimore this week while having just 10 men on defense. The NFL will make it right, however, by allowing the Browns to play with 12 guys on the field on offense for the remainder of the season. They figure it won’t matter anyway.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as treating Kansas football coach Mark Mangino to lunch.

Miami (+3) at CAROLINA [42.5]: The Dolphins placed running back Ronnie Brown on injured reserve, which means fellow RB Ricky Williams will have to roll. Fortunately, he’s used to it. Panthers 26, Dolphins 17.

Cleveland (+3.5) at DETROIT [38.5]: The former home of the Lions, the Pontiac Silverdome, was sold this week. The possibility of demolishing the stadium still looms, but it’s unclear whether the new owners will allow Detroit to put the Lions inside when the charges go off. Lions 23, Browns 14.

Buffalo (+8.5) at JACKSONVILLE [42.5]: We’re not sure how Titans owner Bud Adams can be fined $250,000 for flipping the bird when the Bills themselves have been doing the same thing to their own fans for years. Jaguars 24, Bills 14.

Pittsburgh (-10) at KANSAS CITY [40]: If you’re in the K.C. area, skip the game and go eat some ribs at Gates & Sons. Steelers 27, Chiefs 13.

Indianapolis (-1) at BALTIMORE [44.5]: Why is this line so low? Are Art Donovan and Tony Siragusa suiting up for the Ravens? Colts 24, Ravens 17.

Atlanta (+6.5) at NY GIANTS [46.5]: We’re rooting for the Falcons just to see if Tom Coughlin’s face turns a deeper red then it was against the Packers last year. Giants 23, Falcons 20.

San Francisco (+6.5) at GREEN BAY [42.5]: If the Packers held Dallas to seven points, they should be able to take the 49ers into negatives. Packers 26, 49ers 16.

Seattle (+11) at MINNESOTA [46]: Weren’t people saying before the season that the Vikings didn’t have the receivers for Brett Favre? Vikings 27, Seahawks 17.

Washington (+11) at DALLAS [41.5]: If Washington can get the Cowboys to fall for five or six of those nifty fake field goal/punt combos, they might have a chance. Cowboys 27, Racists 17.

New Orleans (-11) at TAMPA BAY [51]: There have been comments that the Saints’ offense hasn’t looked up to speed the last few weeks – which means they’ll only score 30+ on Tampa Bay. Saints 34, Buccaneers 20.

Arizona (-9) at ST LOUIS [46.5]: The Cardinals return to their old stomping grounds, by which we mean they got stomped there a lot. Cardinals 27, Rams 20.

NY Jets (+10.5) at NEW ENGLAND [45]: After all the flack he’s gotten this week, we wouldn’t be surprised if Patriots head coach Bill Belichick had trouble deciding between the soup or salad. Patriots 27, Jets 17.

Cincinnati (-9.5) at OAKLAND [36]: We don’t think the Bengals signing K.C. castoff Larry Johnson is a bad idea. We just hope the Cincy city council has more money to appropriate for battered women’s shelters. Bengals 31, Raiders 13.

San Diego (+3) at DENVER [45]: We’ve looked at this three or four times. The Broncos are the favourite here exactly why? Chargers 26, Broncos 20.

Philadelphia (-3) at CHICAGO [45]: Many thanks to Bears QB Jay Cutler for his help in recycling. Altering our existing “Man, is Jake Delhomme inaccurate!” jokes will save thousands of trees. Eagles 26, Bears 21.

Tennessee (+4.5) at HOUSTON [48]: Kids everywhere will be asking for Bud Adams’s new hit single, “The (Double) Bird Is The Word.” Titans 31, Texans 23.

Lock of the Week: Indianapolis
Trifecta: San Diego, Green Bay, Indianapolis

2009 Week 10 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 9-6
Against The Spread: 7-8
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $220

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 100-42
Against The Spread: 79-64-1
Lock of the Week: 5-5
Trifecta: 3-7
Money: $1,710

2009 Week 10 Money Spent: $0
2009 Week 10 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $185
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $15

The Hoser’s format: Each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $500 Lock of the Week. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Mediocre week so far, but we hit our Lock and that brightens up everything. 7-7 against the spread and 8-6 straight up, but we're up for the week, despite the Raiders sinking our Trifecta. Maybe they are smart enough to lose on purpose.

We sure hope Jim Zorn designed this fake field goal/punt hybrid. That's a job saver right there, folks.

Pull for the Quinn tonight!

Lock of the Week: San Diego

Trifecta: San Diego, Oakland, Tennessee

2009 Week 10 Hoser Picks (pending Monday night):
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 7-7
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $330

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 99-42
Against The Spread: 79-63-1
Lock of the Week: 5-5
Trifecta: 3-7
Money: $1,820

2009 Week 10 Money Spent: $0
2009 Week 10 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $185
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $15

Welcome to 2009 Week 10 of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re sure you’ll all be thankful we’ll be brief (trade show this week – I’ll be the guy in the “Norman Chad rocks!” t-shirt).

The Hoser has a very big cookie bouquet on the way to Detroit quarterback Matthew Stafford, whose pick six led to Seattle covering at the very end of the game. That gave both our Lock of the Week and the Trifecta. We were 8-5 against the spread and 9-4 straight up.

That’s a three-week run of 25-13-1 against the spread and two of three Locks and Trifectas. We’d get a swelled head, but we already wear a size 7 ¾ baseball cap, so it’s a little late for that.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as getting your news from FOX.

Chicago (+3) at SAN FRANCISCO [43.5]: 49ers tight end Vernon Davis had some unflattering things to say this week about the Bears’ defense, but they couldn’t have been any uglier than what we suspect is being said around Chicago itself. 49ers 23, Bears 17.

Jacksonville (+7) at NY JETS [40.5]: Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez – from GQ to PU in two months. Jets 23, Jaguars 17.

Denver (-3.5) at WASHINGTON [37]: Boy, Sherman Lewis fixed everything, huh? Broncos 24, Racists 16.

Cincinnati (+7) at PITTSBURGH [41.5]: Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco has been told not to send mustard to the Steelers, but we guarantee they’ll relish shutting his ass down. Steelers 27, Bengals 17.

Buffalo (+6.5) at TENNESSEE [41]: You know, if the Titans win out … (slaps self). Titans 31, Bills 13.

Detroit (+16.5) at MINNESOTA [47]: This will be a terrible game, but the good news? There’ll be plenty of time to run to the kitchen for lutefisk! Vikings 34, Lions 16.

New Orleans (-13.5) at ST LOUIS [50]: The Rams have a total of eight touchdowns this season. That’s awful, but it’s eight more than The Hoser scored in his 13-year football career. Saints 40, Rams 17.

Atlanta (-1.5) at CAROLINA [43.5]: Nothing could be finer than to visit Carolina and get back to your winning ways. Falcons 26, Panthers 17.

Tampa Bay (+10) at MIAMI [44]: Project Runway would have a fit, but we say ride those Creamsicle unis until the winning streak ends – which it will here anyway. Dolphins 24, Buccaneers 17.

Kansas City (+2) at OAKLAND [36.5]: Both of these teams would benefit from losing this game, and neither organization is probably smart enough to drop it on purpose. Raiders 20, Chiefs 16.

Seattle (+8.5) at ARIZONA [47]: (Our) reports of the demise of Kurt Warner were apparently greatly exaggerated. Nice to see Matt Leinart get a chance to prove he’s the heir apparent, though, wasn’t it? Cardinals 27, Seahawks 20.

Philadelphia (+1) at SAN DIEGO [47]: The Chargers are back. We can tell the swagger’s returned because Shawne Merriman has his Kijiji ad – “WANTED: TALENTLESS BIMBOS” – up again. Chargers 24, Eagles 21.

Dallas (-2.5) at GREEN BAY [47.5]: Did the Pope visit the Packers in the offseason, because man, is that offensive line holy! Cowboys 26, Packers 23.

New England (+3) at INDIANAPOLIS [49.5]: Tougher to call than a friend at a Motorhead concert, but we like the Colts to stay undefeated. Colts 24, Patriots 23.

Baltimore (-10.5) at CLEVELAND [40]: MNF couldn’t switch out of this one? Ravens 20, Browns 13.

Lock of the Week: San Diego

Trifecta: San Diego, Oakland, Tennessee

2009 Week Nine Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 9-4
Against The Spread: 8-5
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $1,350

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 91-36
Against The Spread: 72-56-1
Lock of the Week: 4-5
Trifecta: 3-6
Money: $1,490

2009 Week Nine Money Spent: $25
2009 Week Nine Money Made: $50
2009 Season Money Spent: $185
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $15

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

All in all a solid week -- thanks to our pal Matthew Stafford for the pick six that covered our trifecta.

2009 Week Nine Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 9-4
Against The Spread: 8-5
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $1,350

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 91-38
Against The Spread: 72-56-1
Lock of the Week: 4-5
Trifecta: 3-6
Money: $1,490

2009 Week Nine Money Spent: $25
2009 Week Nine Money Made: $50
2009 Season Money Spent: $185
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $15

Welcome to 2009 Week Nine, our annual haiku edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, and where we’re well versed in losing money.

The Hoser had an extremely odd week. We watched as it appeared we were blown out of the water right out of the gate, but because of the number of underdogs we picked to cover, we managed to go 8-5 against the spread. Of course, we were just 7-6 straight up and missed both the Lock of the Week and the Trifecta.

In honour this special week, here’s a starter haiku for our friends out in Raiderland:

Those charges will keep
Tom from laying his Cable
In the near future.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as offering your body in trade for World Series tickets.

Kansas City (+6.5) at JACKSONVILLE [41.5]:

K.C.’s in turmoil
Because a running back is
Acting like his name.
Jaguars 29, Chiefs 14.

Baltimore (-3) at CINCINNATI [43.5]:

The Bengals: At last
At least more popular than
homey Nick Lachey.
Ravens 21, Bengals 19.

Houston (+9) at INDIANAPOLIS [48]:

Manning at the helm
Means we’re Slaton a beating
For the visitors.
Colts 28, Texans 20.

Washington (+10) at ATLANTA [41.5]:

Good thing it’s haiku
There’s nothing much funny that
Rhymes well with “racist.”
Falcons 26, Racists 13.

Green Bay (-9.5) at TAMPA BAY [43.5]:

The Packers bounce back
Winning and sticking it in
Tampa’s Buccaneer.
Packers 31, Buccaneers 16.

Arizona (+3) at CHICAGO [44.5]:

Warner’s looking old;
Who’s going to take over?
Lein(art) forms to your right.
Bears 24, Cardinals 20.

Miami (+10.5) at NEW ENGLAND [46.5]:

The Dolphins love tricks
But the Patriots will change
“Wildcat” to “Mildcat.”
New England 30, Miami 21.

Carolina (+13) at NEW ORLEANS [51.5]:

The Panthers don’t suck
But for New Orleans, this game
Will still be a Brees.
Saints 31, Panthers 20.

Detroit (+10) at SEATTLE [43]:

Things are still rough, but
At least Lions fans can say,
“There’s no Matt Millen.”
Seahawks 26, Lions 13.

Tennessee (+4.5) at SAN FRANCISCO [41]:

The switch has been made,
And we know the Titans are
Again Young at heart.
Titans 22, 49ers 20.

San Diego (+4.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS [47.5]:

Eli and Peyton?
Weird names, but we guess it beats
Being called Archie.
Chargers 26, Giants 23.

Pittsburgh (-3) at DENVER [39.5]:

It’s a Samoan phrase
Meaning “kicks ass with great hair”:
Troy Polamalu.
Steelers 22, Broncos 20.

Dallas (+3) at PHILADELPHIA [48]:

It’s a Jerry phrase
Meaning “Attention whore here!”
Telemanjaro.
Eagles 26, Cowboys 21.

Lock of the Week: San Diego
Trifecta: San Diego, Seattle, Carolina

2009 Week Eight Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 7-6
Against The Spread: 8-5
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-350

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 82-34
Against The Spread: 64-51-1
Lock of the Week: 3-5
Trifecta: 2-6
Money: $140

2009 Week Eight Money Spent: $25
2009 Week Eight Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $160
2009 Season Money Made: $150
2009 Total: $-10

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Welcome to 2009 Week Eight, our Halloween edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we did the Monster Mash on other handicappers.

The Hoser’s lucky number is 13, and the 13-game schedule last week was certainly lucky for us. We drilled the point spread to the tune of 9-3-1, were 10-3 straight up and hit both our Lock of the Week and the Trifecta.

This week NFL commissioner Roger Goodell spoke to a Congressional panel and would not say there was a connection between head injuries and later brain diseases, which makes us wonder how many head injuries he’s suffered.

The Hoser has set up a terrifying display in his front yard. Local kids will be escorted in and seated in a mock NFL draft. They'll enjoy soda and treats for a minutes or two until their name is called by ... the Raiders! Oh, the horror!

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as coaches running concussed players back out onto the field too soon.

Denver (+3.5) at BALTIMORE [41]: We’ve seen some hideous monsters, but nothing could be more hideous than those freaking socks the Broncos keep insisting on wearing. Broncos 21, Ravens 20.

Cleveland (+13.5) at CHICAGO [40]: Last week the Bengals turned the Bears defense from the “Monsters of the Midway” to the “Wimps of the Windy City.” The Browns stink, but not two touchdowns’ worth. Bears 26, Browns 14.

Houston (-3.5) at BUFFALO [40.5]: We think Terrell Owens would rather see Freddy Krueger in his dreams than Dick Jauron. Talk about your “Nightmare on Bills Drive.” Texans 23, Bills 16.

Minnesota (+3) at GREEN BAY [47]: Former Packers quarterback Brett Favre makes his first stop in Lambeau Field as the enemy in what will be billed as the “Attack of the 50-Foot Ego.” Packers 26, Vikings 21.

San Francisco (+12) at INDIANAPOLIS [44.5]: Quarterback Alex Smith returns as the starter after almost a year on the bench. Call it “Plan 49er From Outer Space,” and expect it to work just as well. Colts 28, 49ers 17.

Miami (+3.5) at NEW YORK JETS [40.5]: There’s not much scary about Dolphins, but just picture Jets’ head coach Rex Ryan butt naked in a pile of Halloween candy. Jets 22, Dolphins 19.

St. Louis (+3) at DETROIT [42]: We’d rather watch “Saw VI.” Lions 24, Rams 20.

Seattle (+9.5) at DALLAS [45]: Talk about your Jekyll and Hyde act – the Cowboys have all the consistency of a trip to the can the morning after a Taco Bell dinner. Cowboys 23, Seahawks 20.

Oakland (+17) at SAN DIEGO [41.5]: Separated at birth: Raiders owner Al Davis and “The Cryptkeeper.” Chargers 30, Raiders 16.

Jacksonville (-3) at TENNESSEE [45]: Titans coach Jeff Fisher stars in a remake of an old horror classic – “The Incredible Shrinking Respect For A Head Coach.” Still, they get their first win this week. Titans 22, Jaguars 17.

Carolina (+9) at ARIZONA [42.5]: In the holiday spirit, expect Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme to hand out footballs to Arizona defensive backs. Cardinals 26, Panthers 19.

New York Giants (+1) at PHILADELPHIA [44.5]: Forget the Great Pumpkin – this is the time every year when the ghost of Joe Pisarcik rises from the turf and vainly searches to hand a football to Herm Edwards. Too bad the game’s in Philly. Giants 26, Eagles 23.

Atlanta (+10) at NEW ORLEANS [54]: We’re pretty sure there was some voodoo magic going on after the Saints rose from the dead against the Dolphins last week, but it won’t be needed against the Falcons. Saints 31, Falcons 23.

Lock of the Week: NY Giants

Trifecta: Seattle, NY Giants, Tennessee

2009 Week Seven Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 10-3
Against The Spread: 9-3-1
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $1,670

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 75-28
Against The Spread: 56-46-1
Lock of the Week: 3-4
Trifecta: 2-5
Money: $490

2009 Week Seven Money Spent: $20
2009 Week Seven Money Made: $50
2009 Season Money Spent: $135
2009 Season Money Made: $150
2009 Total: $15

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

2009 Week Seven Hoser Results

Straight Up: 10-3
Against The Spread: 9-3-1
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $1,670

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 75-28
Against The Spread: 56-46-1
Lock of the Week: 3-4
Trifecta: 2-5
Money: $490

2009 Week Seven Money Spent: $20
2009 Week Seven Money Made: $50
2009 Season Money Spent: $135
2009 Season Money Made: $150
2009 Total: $15

Welcome to Week Seven of the 2009 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where the Heene family probably had a better week.

The Hoser limped to a miserable 5-9 record against the spread and was just 9-5 straight up. Fortunately, the Falcons came through for our Lock of the Week, making the total losses a manageable $40. That looks like a win compared to Week Five.

A shout out to Joe Bryant of the estimable FootballGuys.com for linking to Oakland wide receiver Louis Murphy’s tremendous effort on teammate Zach Miller’s touchdown last week. If the Democrats were that persistent, you’d all have health-care coverage by now.

A 1,000-pound wooden carving of former Buffalo Bills running back Thurman Thomas was retrieved after it was saved from some fans trying to burn it. The San Diego Chargers heard and immediately signed the statue to a two-year deal.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as dressing up as a wolf for Halloween in Sarah Palin’s neighborhood.

San Diego (-4.5) at KANSAS CITY [43.5]: Interesting that the Chiefs have a kicker named Ryan Succop when that’s what Baltimore kicker Steven Hauschka may have do to keep his job. Chargers 24, Chiefs 17.

Indianapolis (-13) at ST. LOUIS [45.5]: Former Rams superstar Marshall Faulk may be added to a group trying to buy the franchise. Forget that – suit him up. Colts 30, Rams 10.

Chicago (+1.5) at CINCINNATI [41.5]: Think the Bears will look across the field on Sunday and think, “Man, there’s no way that’s the SAME Cedric Benson.” Bengals 21, Bears 19.

Green Bay (-7) at CLEVELAND [41.5]: Special Browns promotion this weekend – donate $100 or more to any approved charity and play one whole series at quarterback! Packers 27, Browns 16.

Minnesota (+4) at PITTSBURGH [45]: Nothing could possibly ruin this game – unless somehow Chip Caray ends up as the play-by-play announcer. Steelers 24, Vikings 21.

New England (+14.5) at TAMPA BAY [45]: There always seems to be a bit of a cultural backlash against the NFL and Americans when it plays in England – but then we remember these people thought The Sex Pistols ruled and Princess Diana was hot. Patriots 31, Buccaneers 14.

San Francisco (+3) at HOUSTON [44]: Your NFL leader in passing touchdowns? Matt Schaub. Yes, we keep rubbing our eyes as we read that, too. Texans 27, 49ers 20.

New York Jets (-6) at OAKLAND [34.5]: Mattel is working on a new Transformers/NFL crossover toy. The first release features Mark Sanchez as the leader of the “Intercepticons.” Jets 23, Raiders 19.

Buffalo (+7) at CAROLINA [37.5]: Think Bills fans are reminiscing fondly about the good old J.P. Losman days? Panthers 20, Bills 17.

New Orleans (-7) at MIAMI [47]: The Dolphins could have another celebrity owner coming on board – Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas. Perhaps given her penchant for peeing in her pants, Miami can sell new t-shirts with her face and the slogan “URINE TROUBLE NOW!” Saints 33, Dolphins 23.

Atlanta (+4) at DALLAS [47.5]: You know Wade Phillips sucks when people are speculating 0-6 Jeff Fisher could replace him next season. Falcons 23, Cowboys 22.

Arizona (+7) at NY GIANTS [46]: That deafening silence you hear is Giants linebacker Antonio Pierce shutting the hell up. Giants 29, Cardinals 23.

Philadelphia (-7) at WASHINGTON [38]: Washington head coach Jim Zorn has been forced to give up his play-calling duties despite being hired as an offensive-minded coach. That’s like bringing Ron Jeremy onto a film shoot and telling him to keep his pants on. Eagles 31, Racists 17.

Lock of the Week: Green Bay

Trifecta: Green Bay, Indianapolis, New Orleans

2009 Week Six Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 9-5
Against The Spread: 5-9
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-40

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 65-25
Against The Spread: 47-43
Lock of the Week: 2-4
Trifecta: 1-5
Money: $-1,180

2009 Week Six Money Spent: $30
2009 Week Six Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $115
2009 Season Money Made: $100
2009 Total: $-15

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

2009 Week Six Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 9-5
Against The Spread: 5-9
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-40

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 65-25
Against The Spread: 47-43
Lock of the Week: 2-4
Trifecta: 1-5
Money: $-1,180

2009 Week Six Money Spent: $30
2009 Week Six Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $115
2009 Season Money Made: $100
2009 Total: $-15

Editor's Note: The point spread in the Denver-San Diego game was incorrect and has been changed.

Welcome to Week Six of the 2009 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we finally collapsed like Kirstie Alley’s recliner.

It was a terrible, terrible week, as we went 8-6 straight up and a miserable 6-8 against the spread. The Lock and the Trifecta were both losers. We expected it to be tough sledding, but this was like trying to get money out of your brother-in-law.

Rush Limbaugh’s bid to become an owner of the St. Louis Rams ended this week when the other prospective partners booted him. Limbaugh responded by saying he wasn’t a racist and he wasn’t sure who sandbagged him – but that he was pretty sure it was a black guy.

In Buffalo, an unemployed 18-year-old raised more than $1,000 to have a billboard flash, “It’s time to clean house, Ralph!” near a busy highway. Florida State University football fans considered this method of motivation for its players, but abandoned it after realizing Bobby Bowden’s too old to drive and none of the Seminoles can read.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having your six-year-old hide in the attic while you try to create a publicity stunt.

Kansas City (+6.5) at WASHINGTON [37.5]: Dan Snyder and his team of idiots pressured the Washington Post this week to take down photos of angry fans because of negative publicity. Doesn’t having his team’s games broadcast to the nation create its own negative publicity? Racists 19, Chiefs 17.

Houston (+4.5) at CINCINNATI [45]: The Texans’ catering staff has no issue serving Mexican food, as no one in that organization has the ability to get the runs. Bengals 26, Texans 19.

Cleveland (+14) at PITTSBURGH [38]: Hasn’t taken Browns head coach Eric Mangini long to go from ManGenius to Mangina, has it? Steelers 26, Browns 10.

Baltimore (+2.5) at MINNESOTA [43.5]: When the irresistible force (the Ravens’ defense) meets the unstoppable object (Adrian Peterson), we’ll bet on the irresistible and unstoppable old dude (Brett Favre). Vikings 23, Ravens 20.

St. Louis (+10.5) at JACKSONVILLE [41.5]: How bad does your opponent have to be for you to lose by 41 points and still be favoured by double digits the next week? Rams bad. Jaguars 30, Rams 16.

New York Giants (+3.5) at NEW ORLEANS [47.5]: Tougher to call than your mom from jail, but home field in the Big Easy has to count for something. Saints 26, Giants 23.

Carolina (-3.5) at TAMPA BAY [39.5]: We'd rather watch Glenn Beck than this dog. Buccaneers 19, Panthers 17.

Detroit (+13.5) at GREEN BAY [48]: The auto industry and Detroit quarterbacks – two entities that know all about bailouts. Packers 34, Lions 16.

Philadelphia (-14) at OAKLAND [40.5]: By the time the Eagles get through ripping through the Raiders, Tom Cable will want to punch himself out. Eagles 34, Raiders 13.

Arizona (+2.5) at SEATTLE [47]: If you watch the NFL Network replay of Seattle’s thrashing of Jacksonville last week, you can just make out the halo over Matt Hasslebeck’s helmet. Seahawks 24, Cardinals 21.

Buffalo (+9.5) at NEW YORK JETS [37.5]: Jets head coach Rex Ryan was extremely upset with his defense after losing in Miami. Fortunately, New York gets the equivalent of a bye week in the Bills. Jets 27, Bills 10.

Tennessee (+9) at NEW ENGLAND [43]: Yes, we’re still on New England’s jock. No, we’ll never learn. Patriots 28, Titans 17.

Chicago (+3.5) at ATLANTA [46]: It’s a shame Chicago didn’t land the Olympics. It would have been neat to have both the Olympic flame and the Chicago River burning at the same time. Falcons 27, Bears 19.

Denver (+4) at SAN DIEGO [44]: Do you think for motivation Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman pictures Tila Tequila’s head on opposing QBs Bobby Boucher style? Broncos 23, Chargers 17.

Lock of the Week: Atlanta

Trifecta: Atlanta, New York Jets, Seattle

2009 Week Five Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 6-8
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-880

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 56-20
Against The Spread: 42-34
Lock of the Week: 1-4
Trifecta: 1-4
Money: $-1,140

2009 Week Five Money Spent: $25
2009 Week Five Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $85
2009 Season Money Made: $100
2009 Total: $15

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Final stats for Week Five -- oof:

2009 Week Five Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 6-8
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-880

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 56-20
Against The Spread: 42-34
Lock of the Week: 1-4
Trifecta: 1-4
Money: $-1,140

2009 Week Five Money Spent: $25
2009 Week Five Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $86
2009 Season Money Made: $100
2009 Total: $15

Welcome to Week Five of the 2009 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where Monday night our entire staff went outside and screamed at the heavens, “FAAAAAARRRRVVVVVEEEEE!”

(That joke only works in print if you spell his name phonetically, and even then, it still probably doesn’t work. Far be it from us to pass up a “Wrath of Kahn” gag, though.)

The Hoser lost his bolt on Monday night, as Brett Favre was simply masterful. The Viking win cost us our Lock and the Trifecta, dropped us to 7-7 against the spread and 11-3 straight up. The Packers’ loss of tackle Kyle Clifton was the real killer, though.

This week, there are a few amazingly big spreads to consider. Philly by two touchdowns? The Giants by 16 points? We haven’t seen this many huge lines since we spent that week at Michael Irvin’s Fantasy Football Camp.

The New York Jets acquired wide receiver Braylon Edwards from the Cleveland Browns on Wednesday. Edwards has tons of talent, but we don’t know if The Big Apple is the right environment for him. I mean, if you can get into serious trouble in Cleveland after hours …

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as giving an undeserving guy the Nobel Peace Price.

Minnesota (-10) at ST LOUIS [40.5]: As an encore to last week’s heroics, Brett Favre will switch teams at the half and lead the Rams roaring back – to just a 17-point loss. Vikings 31, Rams 14.

Dallas (-9) at KANSAS CITY [43]: Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo says he’s fine, but there’s a good chance if he loses this game he could fall all the way down to dating Tara Reid. Cowboys 30, Chiefs 20.

Washington (+3.5) at CAROLINA [37.5]: We have this image of Jeff Garcia standing outside the Panthers’ GM’s office with a resume and a six-pack all week, asking, “Can I come in now? Now? How about now?” Panthers 19, Racists 17.

Oakland (+16) at NY GIANTS [39]: This could be a worse beating than Tawny Kitaen laid on Chuck Finley. Giants 31, Raiders 16.

Tampa Bay (+14.5) at PHILADELPHIA [43]: See above, but replace Tawny Kitaen with a cheesesteak. They both look about the same now anyhow. Eagles 27, Buccaneers 13.

Cleveland (+6) at BUFFALO [40.5]: We’re considering patenting a new duck decoy for the Buffalo area – one with Terrell Owens’s head on it. Bills 21, Browns 17.

Cincinnati (+8.5) at BALTIMORE [42]: In keep with last week’s sissification of the sport, three Ravens defensive players have already been ejected for holding a speculative discussion on the theoretical ramifications of touching Carson Palmer. Ravens 26, Bengals 19.

Pittsburgh (-10.5) at DETROIT [44]: You may not have sought our advice on this game, but truth be told? You asked with your eyes, man. You asked with your eyes. Steelers 31, Lions 20.

Atlanta (+2.5) at SAN FRANCISCO [41]: We’ve been pushing the NFL to create a line of football-themed Halloween costumes and decorations. Wouldn’t a light-up face of Mike Singletary staring out the window scare the hell out of any kid? 49ers 23, Falcons 20.

New England (-3) at DENVER [41]: The reunion of two of the league’s most casually dressed coaches. Call it “Boyz In Da Hoodies.” Patriots 26, Broncos 21.

Houston (+5.5) at ARIZONA [49]: Everything’s bigger in Texas – with the exception of the ability of the Texans to stop anything resembling a professional running game. Cardinals 27, Texans 21.

Jacksonville (+1) at SEATTLE [NL]: If the Seahawks were smart, they’d wear those lime-green abominations all season. Those things are the visual equivalent of getting poked in the eye by Moe Howard all day. Jaguars 22, Seahawks 19.

Indianapolis (-3.5) at TENNESSEE [45.5]: The look on the Titans’ head coach as his team dropped to 0-4 on the season? Fisher priceless. Colts 26, Titans 19.

NY Jets (-1.5) at MIAMI [36.5]: We’re afraid facing the Jet defense doesn’t leave Miami Henne chance at all. Jets 22, Dolphins 16.

Lock of the Week: New England
Trifecta: New England, Jacksonville, New York Jets

2009 Week Four Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 11-3
Against The Spread: 7-7
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-670

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 48-14
Against The Spread: 36-26
Lock of the Week: 1-3
Trifecta: 1-3
Money: $-260

2009 Week Three Money Spent: $15
2009 Week Three Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $70
2009 Season Money Made: $100
2009 Total: $30

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Final stats for Week Four:

2009 Week Four Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 11-3
Against The Spread: 7-7
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-670

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 48-14
Against The Spread: 36-26
Lock of the Week: 1-3
Trifecta: 1-3
Money: $-260

2009 Week Three Money Spent: $15
2009 Week Three Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $70
2009 Season Money Made: $100
2009 Total: $30

Top 10 Reasons To Hope Rush Limbaugh Lands The Rams

10. Chants of "Rush! Rush!" might get the Rams to give Steven Jackson the ball 30 times like they should be doing.

9. Concession sales of nachos and chili cheese dogs guaranteed to skyrocket.

8. Ready-made promotion: "Husky Narrow-Minded Bigot" Night.

7. Might drive Al Franken to buy the Chiefs.

6. He can't be any worse at owning a sports franchise than George W. Bush.

5. Leftover Green Bay Cheeseheads easily convertible to Dittoheads.

4. Budweiser theme song replaced on PA system by "Barack The Magic Negro."

3. Offensive linemen won't feel so fat around him.

2. Players will have access to OxyContin right in the owner's box.

1. Maybe it will get him off the radio.

Welcome to Week Four of the 2009 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where after last week, we'd have Nostradamus cowering in the corner and mumbling about Hister.

The Hoser pounded it like schnitzel in Week Three to the tune of 12-4 against the spread and 13-3 straight up. We also tabbed Green Bay for the Lock of the Week and added Denver and Indianapolis for the Trifecta, scoring a nifty $1,160 profit.

This puts us in the black for what most likely will be the last time this season, as we’re starting to hit bye weeks. That ups the Lock to $500 per week, and as you all know, our grasp on the Lock is about as solid as Amy Winehouse’s on reality.

We’re altering our bet on which NFL coach will be fired first from San Diego’s Norv Turner to Washington’s Jim Zorn. Turner hasn’t gotten any smarter, but how can Zorn stand there during a loss to the Lions looking as if he’s getting his shoes shined? We hear Mike Shanahan and Jon Gruden are possible replacements, and both of them would have appeared to have been getting a watermelon colonoscopy during that game.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as driving around with your windows down singing “Don’t Stop Believin’” along with the cast of “Glee” on your iPod – not that The Hoser actually got busted doing that, ahem, but it just wouldn’t be advisable.

Oakland (+9.5) at HOUSTON [41] – You can go ahead and get your Michael Vick Raiders jerseys printed now. Texans 30, Raiders 17.

Tennessee (-2.5) at JACKSONVILLE [41] – Titans quarterback Kerry Collins threw 13 straight incompletions last week. The Hoser would have about the same rate of completed passes at the Playboy Mansion. Titans 24, Jags 20.

Baltimore (+2) at NEW ENGLAND [44.5] – We really, really want to pick the Ravens in this game, but it just feels weird. Going against the Pats seems like saying we think the sun revolves around the Earth. Patriots 26, Ravens 21.

Cincinnati (-5.5) at CLEVELAND [38] – It’s hard to think of this “The Battle of Ohio” when the Browns are the equivalent of the Swiss Navy. Bengals 21, Browns 17.

N.Y. Giants (-9) at KANSAS CITY [42.5] -- The front page for the web site of the Kansas City Chiefs shows head coach Todd Haley standing still with blurred players streaking by him. Unfortunately, it’s going to be like that all season for the Chiefs. Giants 30, Chiefs 16.

Detroit (+11) at CHICAGO [39] – One losing streak ends and another begins. Bears 24, Lions 17.

Tampa Bay (+7) at WASHINGTON [37] – This game’s a dog, but for fun, watch for Washington owner Dan Snyder in his luxury box, and then try to guess how many phone books he’s sitting on to be able to see over the bar. Racists 17, Buccaneers 14.

Seattle (+10.5) at INDIANAPOLIS [44] – Forget steroids. We want the NFL to investigate whether the Colts have a stud wide receiver cloning facility located under Lucas Oil Stadium. Colts 30, Seahawks 16.

New York Jets (+6.5) at NEW ORLEANS [45.5] – Stay far, far away from betting on this game. Pretend it’s a sitcom on NBC. Saints 26, Jets 24.

Buffalo (+2) at MIAMI [36.5] – The Dolphins have lost quarterback Chad Pennington to a season-ending shoulder injury. Couldn’t Pennington be just as effective throwing with his left arm? Bills 20, Dolphins 17.

St. Louis (+10) at SAN FRANCISCO [37.5] – The Rams may have lost Marc Bulger for this week, but we hear Peter North is available. 49ers 23, Rams 16.

Dallas (-4) at DENVER [43.5] – The Hoser sent a staff member to the Cowboys’ web site to find something funny to say this week, but instead we ended up with a keyboard covered in drool and a hard drive full of downloaded photos. Damn you, Cage Dancers! Broncos 23, Cowboys 20.

San Diego (+6.5) at PITTSBURGH [43] – Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger will be hosting WWE Raw on Monday evening. We’ll donate $50 to the favourite charity of the wrestler who walks out wearing a motorcycle helmet. Steelers 24, Chargers 20.

Green Bay (+3.5) at MINNESOTA [46] – We would have been much more amenable to seeing Brett Favre return if we had known the Vikings would be putting Trent Dilfer’s brain in Favre’s head. Packers 27, Vikings 21.

Lock of the Week: Green Bay
Trifecta: Green Bay, Denver, New England
Over/Under Good Buys: Houston/Oakland Over

2009 Week Three Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 13-3
Against The Spread: 12-4
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $1,160

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 37-11
Against The Spread: 29-19
Lock of the Week: 1-2
Trifecta: 1-2
Money: $410

2009 Week Three Money Spent: $15
2009 Week Three Money Made: $50
2009 Season Money Spent: $55
2009 Season Money Made: $100
2009 Total: $45


The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Final stats for Week Three:

2009 Week Three Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 13-3
Against The Spread: 12-4
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $1,160

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 37-11
Against The Spread: 29-19
Lock of the Week: 1-2
Trifecta: 1-2
Money: $410

2009 Week Three Money Spent: $15
2009 Week Three Money Made: $50
2009 Season Money Spent: $55
2009 Season Money Made: $100
2009 Total: $45

Welcome to Week Three of the 2009 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where like 38 Special, we’re back where we belong.

After a solid first week, The Hoser stumbled to 9-7 straight up and 7-9 against the spread. The Patriots cost us both the Lock of the Week and our Trifecta, and also made us wonder when Coach Belichick would have a thrombo on the sidelines. Any day now we expect steam to come pouring out of his ears “Tom & Jerry” style.

Jerry Jones got to show off his new monstrosity to a national television audience Monday night. It’s nice, and we now have a good financial angle to offset our betting losses – buy up all the seats located directly under the cage dancers, post on eBay and profit! Mooooooooon Riverrrrrr …

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as marrying one of the Kardashian sisters after dating for two weeks.

Tennessee (+3) at NY JETS [37] – Apparently, all that’s really necessary to conquer the NFL is to get rid of Chad Pennington, Eric Mangini and Brett Favre. Jets 22, Titans 16.

Jacksonville (+3.5) at HOUSTON [46.5] – Jacksonville is getting ripped this week as the worst city in the NFL. We know they’re talking about being able to support a franchise, but have these people not been to Oakland? Texans 27, Jaguars 24.

Kansas City (+8) at PHILADELPHIA [NL] – McNabb has a cracked rib, Kolb threw three picks. They wouldn’t put Vick under centre, would they? Eagles 31, Chiefs 17.

Cleveland (+13) at BALTIMORE [38.5] – Apparently, all that’s really necessary to sink to the bottom of the NFL is to pick up Eric Mangini. Ravens 27, Browns 13.

NY Giants (+6.5) at TAMPA BAY [44] – Anyone else starting to think perhaps the oldest Manning brother isn’t the best? Giants 23, Buccaneers 20.

Washington (-6.5) at DETROIT [38.5] – Lions rookie quarterback Matthew Stafford is on a pace to throw eight TDs and 40 interceptions this season. In other words, he’s still going to be more effective than Joey Harrington. Racists 20, Lions 17.

Green Bay (+6.5) at ST LOUIS [41] – We just don’t understand the spread here. Is it because the Rams contained Washington’s offense last week? That’s like getting credit for a knockout by sucker-punching your great aunt. Packers 30, Rams 13.

San Francisco (+7) at MINNESOTA [40.5] – This holdout thing doesn’t seem to be going to well for Michael Crabtree, does it? You know, sit it out while the team struggles and your value increases? Switch agents, Michael, and get in uniform. Vikings 23, 49ers 17.

Atlanta (+4) at NEW ENGLAND [44.5] – Paparazzi at the wedding of Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen have filed a lawsuit after being shot at by bodyguards while trying to take photos of the ceremony. Everyone else in the world is scolding those same bodyguards – for missing. Patriots 26, Falcons 20.

Chicago (-1.5) at SEATTLE [37] – We’re looking at Jay Cutler’s page on NFL.com right now, and we’re pretty sure that’s a picture of Harland Williams. Bears 22, Seahawks 19.

New Orleans (-6) at BUFFALO [51.5] – Does the visitor’s side of the scoreboard at Ralph Wilson Stadium have the capability to handle triple digits? Saints 31, Bills 24.

Miami (+6) at SAN DIEGO [44] – Hey, Ray Lewis made a great play, but 5-6 Darren Sproles up the middle when you’ve racked up more than 400 yards through the air? Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Norv. Chargers 24, Dolphins 23.

Pittsburgh (-4) at CINCINNATI [37] – Turns out Chad Ochocinco paid for those Bengals fans to be at Lambeau Field to facilitate his leap last week. Good luck trying that in Pittsburgh – he’ll go home with a can of Iron City up his ass. Steelers 24, Bengals 17.

Denver (-1) at OAKLAND [35.5] – Nike’s missing a golden marketing with the Broncos this season. How about resurrecting the old ad campaign and asking if “You Knowshon”? Broncos 22, Raiders 17.

Indianapolis (+2.5) at ARIZONA [47.5] – The Colts’ offense was on the field last week for less than 15 minutes and still beat Miami. Analysts have made much of this, but great things happen regularly in far less time – just ask The Hoser’s wife. Colts 31, Cardinals 27.

Carolina (+9) at DALLAS [47] – Added bonus for Cowboy fans this week – with Jake Delhomme throwing for Carolina, any one of the 100,000 in the stands could catch a ball! Cowboys 26, Panthers 20.


Lock of the Week: Green Bay
Trifecta: Indianapolis, Denver, Green Bay
Over/Under Good Buys: Indy/Arizona Over

2009 Week Two Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 9-7
Against The Spread: 7-9
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-690

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 24-8
Against The Spread: 17-15
Lock of the Week: 0-2
Trifecta: 0-2
Money: $-750

2009 Week Two Money Spent: $20
2009 Week Two Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $40
2009 Season Money Made: $50
2009 Total: $10

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Well, that's more like it.

2009 Week Two Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 9-7
Against The Spread: 7-9
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-690

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 24-8
Against The Spread: 17-15
Lock of the Week: 0-2
Trifecta: 0-2
Money: $-750

2009 Week Two Money Spent: $20
2009 Week Two Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $40
2009 Season Money Made: $50
2009 Total: $10

Welcome to Week Two of the 2009 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re still cursing the name of the Arizona Cardinals.

As you may or may not have read, we were 15-1 straight up this week. That doesn’t normally mean much, except the Cardinals’ loss kept us from cashing what would have been a fairly sizable Pro*Line Pool ticket. Contrary to popular belief, The Hoser is not a millionaire, and does not own a mansion and a yacht.

Makes you want to say, “Again!” doesn’t it?

We also were 10-6 against the spread, a fine number until you factor in our unwavering faith in the Cardinals, which sank both the Lock of the Week and the Trifecta. Our inability to ferret out that one sure thing – well, no one’s going to mistake us for John Cusack anytime soon.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as thinking Donovan McNabb might last more than a week without needing his HMO’s number.

Oakland (+3) at KANSAS CITY [39] – Here are two teams that most likely won’t play as well for the remainder of the season as they did in Week One. We think the Raiders suck just a bit less. Raiders 24, Chiefs 17.

Houston (+6.5) at TENNESSEE [40.5] – Remember that song “Tennessee” from the 90s? The name of the band who sang it perfectly describes the Texans – Arrested Development. Titans 24, Texans 13.

New England (-3.5) at NY JETS [46.5] – Jets’ rookie QB Mark Sanchez has been talking quite a bit this week. He should get it out of his system now, before the Patriots ram themselves down his throat for 60 minutes. Patriots 31, Jets 17.

Cincinnati (+9) at GREEN BAY [42] – Bengals QB Carson Palmer said recently he felt someone could eventually die during an NFL game. We know the feeling – we die here every week. Packers 30, Bengals 17.

Minnesota (-9.5) at DETROIT [46.5] – Ah, the more things change, the more they remain the Detroit Lions. Vikings 27, Lions 21.

New Orleans (NL) at PHILADELPHIA [NL] – Saints quarterback Drew Brees put up an astounding six TD passes last week, but the reason? See above. Eagles 27, Saints 26.

Carolina (+6) at ATLANTA [43] – If you add together last year’s playoff game and the season opener, Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme has shown all the ball-handling skills of Ben Stiller in “There’s Something About Mary.” Falcons 24, Panthers 20.

St. Louis (+9.5) at WASHINGTON [36.5] – Tell you what, Washington fans – we’ll refer to your team as the name you prefer when you refer to yourselves as we see you. Racists 27, Rams 19.

Arizona (+3) at JACKSONVILLE [42.5] – Cardinals wide receiver Sean Morey has agreed to donate his brain to science to help understand the effects of concussions. In a related story, Republican nitwit Jim Wilson apparently donated his several weeks ago. Jaguars 23, Cardinals 21.

Seattle (+1.5) at SAN FRANCISCO [39.5] – The Seahawks’ cheerleading squad is nicknamed the Sea Gals. Good thing Baltimore’s the only NFL franchise with male cheerleaders, huh? 49ers 19, Seahawks 16.

Tampa Bay (+5) at BUFFALO [42] – Until the Bills prove they deserve otherwise, all outro music on their broadcasts should be “Loser” by Beck. Bills 21, Buccaneers 20.

Cleveland (+3) at DENVER [37.5] – Troublemaking Broncos wide receiver Brandon Marshall held his first interview this season, saying little of import. Of course, two drops in six targets last week pretty much says it all, doesn’t it? Broncos 26, Browns 20.

Baltimore (+3.5) at SAN DIEGO [40.5] – If Norv Turner isn’t the first coach fired this season, we’ll eat our hat. This guy’s supposed genius is faker than Tila Tequila’s boobs. Ravens 20, Chargers 19.

Pittsburgh (+2.5) at CHICAGO [37.5] – Bears LB Brian Urlacher is out for the season with a wrist injury, but things could have been worse. He could have been riding around with Lance Briggs. Steelers 23, Bears 19.

NY Giants (+2.5) at DALLAS [43.5] – It’s just weird for the Giants to have one guy named Ramses and another named Hedgecock on the same roster. Cowboys 26, Giants 23.

Indianapolis (-3) at MIAMI [42] – You know how cans of tuna are declared “dolphin-free?” In a show of solidarity with its mascot, the team has declared itself “offense-free.” Colts 22, Dolphins 13.

Lock of the Week: New England
Trifecta: New England, Pittsburgh, Baltimore
Over/Under Good Buys: Cleveland/Denver over

Week One Results:
Straight Up: 15-1
Against The Spread: 10-6
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money Banked: $-60

Real Money Spent: $20
Real Money Made: $50
Real Money Banked: $30

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

It was an exciting week for The Hoser, and not just because his long streak of being unable to pick a Lock of the Week now carries over from last season. Seriously, I'm the Detroit Lions of Locks.

After the early Sunday games we were 9-for-9 straight up on our Pro*Picks NFL Pool ticket, having called the Denver and NY upsets.



It looked like pretty smooth sailing for the last six games. How could Seattle, Arizona, New England or San Diego have any trouble?

It turned out there was plenty of trouble, but only Arizona -- which apparently replaced its offensive line with a bunch of six-year-old girls in the offseason -- kept me from claiming the big prize. I did win $50 on a parlay of the Broncos, Jets and and Falcons, so I can't beef too much.

Save your pity for this guy, TyWebb (about halfway down), who was 14/14 heading into the final game and had the Raiders. Man, I would be going nuts.

Anyhow, still a pretty decent start to the season, as the numbers below reflect:

2009 Week One Hoser Picks

Straight Up: 15-1
Against The Spread: 10-6
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-60

I'll also be adding my actual totals spent for the season in the future.

2009 Week One Money Spent: $20
2009 Week One Money Made: $50
2009 Total: $30

Picks will up Thursday morning for Week Two.

Editor's Note: This post has been modified at 8:29 EST to correct a misspelled name. No predictions have been altered. I promise. Seriously.

Welcome to Week One of the 2009 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where, just like American Idol, Brett Favre and Newt Gingrich, we’ll never go away.

Speaking of Favre, His Royal Interceptedness now dons the purple finery of the Minnesota Vikings. We don’t want to say Favre has commitment issues, but his career’s been more on-again, off-again than Nina Hartley’s.

The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

All of that leads us to this final sentence, a version of which you’ll see every week:

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as tying your romantic future to a bisexual reality TV star.

Tennessee (+5.5) at PITTSBURGH (35) – The Titans have cursed themselves in our eyes by cutting punter A.J. Trepasso. You have a guy who a) scores on a fake punt the first time he touches the ball in a game and b) causes Jerry Jones grief by banging a punt off his new toy – and you let him go? Shame shame. Steelers 20, Titans 13.

Miami (+4) at ATLANTA (43.5) – The Dolphins have been adding owners like crazy. Too bad they haven’t been doing the same with talent. Falcons 23, Dolphins 17.

Kansas City (+10.5) at BALTIMORE (37) – If the oddsmakers have the line right on this one, they’re expecting the Chiefs to score 13 or 14 points, and that’s about 13 or 14 more than we figure them for. Ravens 24, Chiefs 7.

Philadelphia (-1.5) at CAROLINA (43.5) – If the Panthers’ game-day operations staff has any guts at all, they’ll have “Who Let The Dogs Out” roaring during the pre-game. Eagles 28, Panthers 20.

Denver (+4) at CINCINNATI (43) – Let the Kyle Orton era begin! Broncos 26, Bengals 21.

Minnesota (-4) at CLEVELAND (39.5) – We wanted to order a unique Brady Quinn Browns jersey, but the NFL said “METROSEXUAL” won’t fit on the back. Vikings 24, Browns 17.

New York Jets (+4.5) at HOUSTON (43.5) – A crisp $20 bill to the first announcer who sees Jets QB Mark Sanchez get up from a sack and refers to him as “dirty.” Jets 23, Texans 21.

Jacksonville (+7) at INDIANAPOLIS (44.5) – Word is the Jaguars may be up for sale and on the move. This game won’t help the team’s market value, though. Colts 29, Jaguars 19.

Detroit (+13) at NEW ORLEANS (49) – Poor Matthew Stafford. He’s young, good-looking, rich … and he has to play for the Lions. That’s like winning the lottery and having to spend all the money at Wal-Mart. Saints 27, Lions 13.

Dallas (-5.5) at TAMPA BAY (39) – If Cowboys owner Jerry Jones would lift his new scoreboard rig half as far as he’s lifted his face, no punter would ever hit Telemanjaro. Cowboys 23, Buccaneers 20.

San Francisco (+6.5) at ARIZONA (46.5) – Hmmm, the defending NFC champs against a team deciding between Alex Smith and Shaun Hill at quarterback … and only a touchdown? Maybe 49ers head coach Mike Singletary gave Danny Sheridan the evil eye, but then – how could you tell? Cardinals 34, 49ers 14.

Washington (+6.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (37) – The good news for incarcerated wide receiver Plaxico Burress? He’s already used to dealing with Giants in the shower. Giants 24, Redskins 20.

St. Louis (+7.5) at SEATTLE (41.5) – This game should help determine who gets closest to Phoenix’s ass all season in the NFC West. Seahawks 29, Rams 19.

Chicago (+3.5) at GREEN BAY (46) – Best anti-Favre t-shirt to pop up so far? A stylized sketch of him framed by the state of Wisconsin with the words, “We’ll Never Forget You, Brent.” Packers 27, Bears 20.

Buffalo (+10.5) at NEW ENGLAND (47.5) – The Bills canned offensive coordinator Turk Schonert just days before the start of the season, and he claimed head coach Dick Jauron said the offensive was too complicated. Given Buffalo averaged just 14 points a contest during the preseason, “complicated” may have been code for “you suck.” Patriots 26, Bills 13.

San Diego (-9.5) at OAKLAND (43) – The Raiders have announced another blockbuster deal with the New England Patriots. This time, Oakland has swapped all future first-round picks in perpetuity for Teddy Bruschi, Steve Grogan and the rights to Methuselah. Chargers 31, Raiders 13.

Lock of the Week: Arizona

Trifecta: San Diego, Seattle, Arizona

Over/Under Good Buys: Arizona/San Fran Over, Baltimore/KC Under

This has been out for a long, long time, but man, is some of this stuff comedy gold. Drop by SomethingAwful.com's AOL Websearch special and let the hilarity ensue.

Take the time also to stop by Dogpile's SearchSpy, where you can see the weird things people are searching for right now!

What a weird day. Two celebrities die -- one great and one not-so-great -- and the news media loses its collective mind.

I get some of the shock over the death of Michael Jackson. It wasn't expected, and for more than a decade, he was the most amazing musician and entertainer on the planet. Some people say Thriller is one of the top five albums of all time. I don't know about that -- hell, I liked Off The Wall better.

Unfortunately, Jackson's life in the last 15-20 years has pretty much wiped that slate clean for me. Is there much doubt the man was into some seriously disturbed shit? I mean, you can draw a pretty strong conclusion about a guy who dangled his own child off a balcony.

CNN was actually stopping people in Times Square to get reactions to Jackson's death. I would have said, "Wow, when did you guys become E! Network? Isn't North Korea building a nuclear arsenal right now, you gits?"

As for Farrah Fawcett, has anyone gotten farther on a stiff nipple? Sure, she was beautiful, but so are lots of other people. Fawcett was an awful actress, "Charlie's Angels" was an awful show, and she never got any better.

Are we all going to go mental when Jaclyn Smith passes away? Christ, at least she had a line of clothing at K-Mart.

It's a pretty strong statement about the state of the media when this stuff dominates all day long. And you know when I'm really going to be pissed off? When Stephen Hawking dies and it gets a passing mention on The Situation Room."

Well, my Blues are out of the playoffs after being swept in the first round by Vancouver. I'll still apply my Blues stickers to my new Blackberry, but it will be done with a deep sadness.

It was good for the youngsters to get a taste of the playoffs and be better prepared for next season, and it certainly doesn't hurt the organization to pick up the revenue from a couple of extra sellouts.

Still ... damn you, Luongo!

For some lighter fare, stop by Elvis Has Left, where our intrepid reporter, errr ... reports on the results of wearing a Malkin 3rd jersey to a playoff game in Philly.

In an offseason of gagging head coaches and shedding malcontents, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has finally made the most obvious move of all -- releasing wide receiver Terrell Owens.

Any locker room and sideline is better without Owens, and while he's a great receiver, I think the equation reads:

NFLteam + TOskill + TOheadaches < NFLteam - TOskill - TOheadaches

He's just too much of a distraction, and there are plenty of receivers out there who may not be able to add his talent, but don't cause negatives everywhere else.

Does this signal a rebuilding phase for Dallas? Hardly. They have one of the league's finest quarterbacks in Tony Romo, a solid backfield, perennial All-Pro tight end Jason Witten and several strong wideouts.

Plus, you just know Jones is going to go out and land someone else to put even more flash in his offense.

Chad Johnson, anyone?

Well, it's official.

Steven Page has left Barenaked Ladies through what was termed on the band's website as "mutual agreement". I completely understand wanting to hoe your own row (especially after 20 years on the job -- even if the job is "rock star"), but it still makes me a little sad.

I first saw BNL back in the early 90s, in a smallish venue called the American Theater in St. Louis. The crowd was maybe 1,500 and a band called The Bogmen opened for them. I really didn't have too much idea what to expect, have only recently found the band and driving the patrons at a local bar crazy by playing "Be My Yoko Ono" every night I DJ'ed.

When the Ladies hit the stage, though -- wow, how do you describe the band to someone who has never seen them? Great musicianship, great stories, great dancing (ha!) ... great fun! It was like a variety show done almost completely ad-libbed, and there was nary a dull moment.

I had never spent a night more drawn in by any entertainment. I laughed, I sang, I even danced a little. When the show ended and we were filing out, people in the crowd were talking about when they could see the band again.

Like them, I was hooked, and since then I have seen the band five more times and bought multiple copies of every album. Hell, I used to pick up extra copies of the CDs at used record stores and just give them to friends to try and get them involved.

I'll still go see BNL whenever they're nearby, and the same goes for Steven and his projects. I'm not going to take a side as a fan, in other words -- there's enough admiration and respect on my end to go around for everyone.

Good luck both to Steven and to the Ladies. The future may be uncertain, but judging by the past, it'll still rock.

The staff at The Hoser's weekly NFL Picks has been busy getting ready for the new baby. Surprisingly, I predicted this child would be a girl ... and I was correct!

Steelers 27, Cardinals 17 ... and God, do I hope I'm wrong.

Go Cards!

I'm not normally a fan of watching videos of accidents or crashes, but this security camera video of the Hudson River plane incident is amazing. Wait until the end, where someone in the building sees what's going on and zooms in on the plane.

How this guy landed that plane that softly on glide ... incredible. I hope he gets a big-assed bonus from his employers for saving them about umpteen billion dollars in lawsuits.

Welcome to The Hoser's NFL Postseason Picks, Week Three, where we're wondering if former Cowboys star Michael Irvin actually avoided a carjacking by giving the thug one of his signature autographed crack pipes.

The Hoser posted another solid postseason week, going 3-1 both against the spread and straight up. We thought the weather would be worse in Pittsburgh, and frankly, we just didn't have a big enough sac to go with our gut and pick Arizona to win the game outright. To paraphrase Dabney Coleman in Dragnet, you'd have to have balls as big as church balls to have pulled that one off.

According to a report on Bloomberg.com, Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner can add as much as $4M to his base salary for next season if Arizona wins the Super Bowl. That's probably enough to buy the photographic rights to those shots of his wife where she's a dead ringer for Susan Powter.

Speaking of Arizona, the Cardinals are running a great promotion at this week's NFC Championship game -- buy a family four-pack of hot dogs and drinks and receive the Phoenix Coyotes for free.

As always, these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as taking the head coaching job in Detroit -- good luck, Jim "May I Be With You" Schwartz!

Philadelphia (-3.5) at ARIZONA -- O/U 47.5: It pains us to say this, but this is where the Cardinals' road ends. Last week's win over the Panthers was more about Jake Delhomme's collapse than Arizona's dominance, and now they face an Eagles team peaking at exactly the right time.
If Philadelphia could handle the Giants with little contribution from Brian Westbrook, there's no reason to think they won't score on Arizona's weaker defense with him being targeted more. McNabb and the Eagles will dial up an easy victory -- and Donovan won't have to pick up a sideline phone to do it. Eagles 30, Cardinals 17.

Baltimore (+5.5) at PITTSBURGH -- O/U 33.5: We like Ravens' rookie quarterback Joe Flacco all right. We're just not ready to say he's the greatest first-year QB ever. In fact, he'll be opposite the man who probably is -- Pittsburgh's Ben Roethlisberger.
Flacco only managed to go 11-for-22 for 161 yards last week against Tennessee, and now he'll be facing the NFL's best defense both against the pass and overall. That doesn't smell like a third rookie playoff win to us.
The Steelers will ride their balanced offense just enough to win this game. However, at below-freezing temperatures and an 80% chance of flurries, we like the Ravens to cover. Steelers 19, Ravens 16.

Postseason Record:

Last Week ATS: 3-1

Last Week SU: 3-1

Total ATS: 7-1

Total SU: 7-1

Welcome to The Hoser's NFL Postseason Picks, Week Two, where we're wishing now-former Boston College head coach Jeff Jagodzinski good luck with his next job interview -- at Burger King.

The Hoser nailed it last week, going a perfect four-for-four both against the spread and straight up. Why couldn't we be this eerily accurate during the regular season? Oh right, 16 games instead of four.

The Cowboys finally figured out having PacMan Jones around to average 4.5 yards per punt return and pick off exactly zero passes wasn't really worth it, cutting him loose this week. We swear to God, according to this article in the Kansas City Star, Jones actually said football isn't everything to him. "I loves me some me," Jones said.

No kidding.

You might think Jones's next stop would be prison, or alcohol rehab. We can only think of one more appropriate place -- Oakland.

As always, these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as going for a cruise in the Suez Canal.

Baltimore (+2.5) at TENNESSEE -- O/U 34: We have absolutely no faith in the Titans. Do we need to say anything besides that? Ravens 20, Titans 19.

Arizona (+9.5) at CAROLINA -- O/U 48: The Panthers are undefeated at home this season, and the Cardinals are 0-5 on the East Coast. That's enough to overcome my Kurt Warner mancrush. Panthers 28, Cardinals 20.

Philadelphia (+4.5) at NY GIANTS -- O/U 40.5: Is anything scarier than a division game in the playoffs? For New York -- who has already lost to Philadelphia at home this season -- there shouldn't be. A lot depends on Brandon Jacobs, but we'll take the Iggles on the road. Philadelphia 23, New York 19.

San Diego (+6) at PITTSBURGH -- O/U 38: We're not a huge fan of the Steelers right now -- but we're also thinking Darren Sproles is not going to run through Pittsburgh the way he did the Colts. The cold weather will keep it close, though. Steelers 17, Chargers 14.

Postseason Record:

Against The Spread: 4-0

Straight Up: 4-0