Friday, October 16, 2009

Editor's Note: The point spread in the Denver-San Diego game was incorrect and has been changed.

Welcome to Week Six of the 2009 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we finally collapsed like Kirstie Alley’s recliner.

It was a terrible, terrible week, as we went 8-6 straight up and a miserable 6-8 against the spread. The Lock and the Trifecta were both losers. We expected it to be tough sledding, but this was like trying to get money out of your brother-in-law.

Rush Limbaugh’s bid to become an owner of the St. Louis Rams ended this week when the other prospective partners booted him. Limbaugh responded by saying he wasn’t a racist and he wasn’t sure who sandbagged him – but that he was pretty sure it was a black guy.

In Buffalo, an unemployed 18-year-old raised more than $1,000 to have a billboard flash, “It’s time to clean house, Ralph!” near a busy highway. Florida State University football fans considered this method of motivation for its players, but abandoned it after realizing Bobby Bowden’s too old to drive and none of the Seminoles can read.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having your six-year-old hide in the attic while you try to create a publicity stunt.

Kansas City (+6.5) at WASHINGTON [37.5]: Dan Snyder and his team of idiots pressured the Washington Post this week to take down photos of angry fans because of negative publicity. Doesn’t having his team’s games broadcast to the nation create its own negative publicity? Racists 19, Chiefs 17.

Houston (+4.5) at CINCINNATI [45]: The Texans’ catering staff has no issue serving Mexican food, as no one in that organization has the ability to get the runs. Bengals 26, Texans 19.

Cleveland (+14) at PITTSBURGH [38]: Hasn’t taken Browns head coach Eric Mangini long to go from ManGenius to Mangina, has it? Steelers 26, Browns 10.

Baltimore (+2.5) at MINNESOTA [43.5]: When the irresistible force (the Ravens’ defense) meets the unstoppable object (Adrian Peterson), we’ll bet on the irresistible and unstoppable old dude (Brett Favre). Vikings 23, Ravens 20.

St. Louis (+10.5) at JACKSONVILLE [41.5]: How bad does your opponent have to be for you to lose by 41 points and still be favoured by double digits the next week? Rams bad. Jaguars 30, Rams 16.

New York Giants (+3.5) at NEW ORLEANS [47.5]: Tougher to call than your mom from jail, but home field in the Big Easy has to count for something. Saints 26, Giants 23.

Carolina (-3.5) at TAMPA BAY [39.5]: We'd rather watch Glenn Beck than this dog. Buccaneers 19, Panthers 17.

Detroit (+13.5) at GREEN BAY [48]: The auto industry and Detroit quarterbacks – two entities that know all about bailouts. Packers 34, Lions 16.

Philadelphia (-14) at OAKLAND [40.5]: By the time the Eagles get through ripping through the Raiders, Tom Cable will want to punch himself out. Eagles 34, Raiders 13.

Arizona (+2.5) at SEATTLE [47]: If you watch the NFL Network replay of Seattle’s thrashing of Jacksonville last week, you can just make out the halo over Matt Hasslebeck’s helmet. Seahawks 24, Cardinals 21.

Buffalo (+9.5) at NEW YORK JETS [37.5]: Jets head coach Rex Ryan was extremely upset with his defense after losing in Miami. Fortunately, New York gets the equivalent of a bye week in the Bills. Jets 27, Bills 10.

Tennessee (+9) at NEW ENGLAND [43]: Yes, we’re still on New England’s jock. No, we’ll never learn. Patriots 28, Titans 17.

Chicago (+3.5) at ATLANTA [46]: It’s a shame Chicago didn’t land the Olympics. It would have been neat to have both the Olympic flame and the Chicago River burning at the same time. Falcons 27, Bears 19.

Denver (+4) at SAN DIEGO [44]: Do you think for motivation Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman pictures Tila Tequila’s head on opposing QBs Bobby Boucher style? Broncos 23, Chargers 17.

Lock of the Week: Atlanta

Trifecta: Atlanta, New York Jets, Seattle

2009 Week Five Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 6-8
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-880

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 56-20
Against The Spread: 42-34
Lock of the Week: 1-4
Trifecta: 1-4
Money: $-1,140

2009 Week Five Money Spent: $25
2009 Week Five Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $85
2009 Season Money Made: $100
2009 Total: $15

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

tough week...