Friday, November 30, 2007

Atlanta (+3) at ST. LOUIS – O/U 41: An awful, awful matchup – like if Phyllis Diller and Dom DeLuise released a sex tape. Falcons 22, Rams 20.

Buffalo (+6) at WASHINGTON 6 – O/U 37½: Bills fans know all this evil can be traced to benching Flutie for Johnson. Redskins 24, Bills 19.

Detroit (+3) at MINNESOTA – O/U 45: Cue up those Matt Millen jokes in 3…2…1… Vikings 26, Lions 20.

Houston (+4) at TENNESSEE – O/U 43: When you can only muster six points against the Bengals, you’re done. Texans 27, Titans 13.

Jacksonville (+7) at INDIANAPOLIS – O/U 45: The Jags looked dominant against a bad team last week. The Colts looked lackluster against a bad team last week. Are we reading too much into that? Colts 27, Jaguars 26.

New York Jets (+1) at MIAMI – O/U 38: At 0-11, the Dolphins are favored by a point? That’s like Vegas backing Glass Joe. Jets 21, Dolphins 16.

San Diego (-5) at KANSAS CITY – O/U 37½: The picture’s becoming clearer in KC – don’t say cheese, say Kolby. Chiefs 22, Chargers 19.

Seattle (+3) at PHILADELPHIA – O/U 43: How disheartening for Eagles fans is it that A. J. Feeley looks better at QB for Philly than Donovan McNabb? Eagles 22, Seahawks 20.

San Francisco (-2½) at CAROLINA – O/U 35: The “Rhea Perlman/Danny DeVito” sex tape. 49ers 22, Panthers 17.

Tampa Bay (+3) at NEW ORLEANS – O/U 42: We’ll take slow n’ steady over amazing but inconsistent. We reserve the right to reverse this decision if Garcia sits. Buccaneers 23, Saints 19.

Cleveland (PK) at ARIZONA – O/U 52: Cleveland’s high-powered offense meets Arizona’s waterwheel-powered defense. Of course, vice versa also. Cardinals 33, Browns 30.

Denver (-3½) at OAKLAND – O/U 42: We may end up with the No. 1 overall pick in our Fantasy Rookie Draft next season, but we’ll also earn the “Patience of Jobe” Award for hanging onto Justin Fargas for this long. Broncos 27, Raiders 17.

New York Giants (-2) at CHICAGO – O/U 43: The Bears could guarantee themselves a win if they wore purple jerseys. Bears 23, Giants 20.

Cincinnati (+7½) at PITTSBURGH – O/U 46: Ocho Cinco’s back. Unfortunately, so’s Cincy’s defense. Steelers 29, Bengals 20.

New England (-20) at BALTIMORE – O/U 51: People are saying Philadelphia made the Patriots look human last week. Folks, there’s nothing human about New England. Patriots 43, Ravens 13.

Lock of the Week: Houston

Trifecta: Houston, Chicago, Jacksonville

Over/Under Good Buys: Cleveland/Arizona Over

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Welcome to Week Thirteen of the 2007 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we finally got the kick to the jimmy we'd so been waiting for all season.

The Hoser was an atrocious 4-12 week against the spread and just 10-6 straight up. Had Rams backup QB Gus "KY" Ferotte actually held onto the ball on fourth down against Seattle, however, we had a great chance to come out to the good for the week with the Trifecta. Instead, we'll have to settle for nailing our Oakland Lock down to a one-point differential.

We're also sorry to see Ricky Williams manage just six carries before going out for the season. The good news is he appears ready to rent himself out as a dance floor.

The remainder of the picks will be posted tomorrow morning.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as the folks at right your headlines. One of Thursday's read, "STEELERS PLAYERS WANT TO KEEP GRASS". Are they trading for Ricky?

Green Bay (+7) at DALLAS -- O/U 51.5: The Cowboys have been on a roll, winning five straight. But Dallas's defense isn't all that terrific, having given up more than 20 points to powerhouse offenses like Buffalo and Washington.

We still think Romo and Owens shine big and bright deep in the heart, but Brett keeps it to within a field goal. Cowboys 27, Packers 24.

Final Week 12 results:

ATS: 4-12

SU: 10-6

Lock of the Week: 1-0

Trifecta: 0-1

The Money Game: -$560

For the season:

ATS: 86-82-8

SU: 118-58

Lock of the Week: 4-8

Trifecta: 1-11

The Money Game: $-3,420

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

A couple of weeks ago, I attended the Canadian National Sportcard Expo held twice a year in Mississauga. It's a long and labourious process to haul everything in, set it up and then tear it back down again.

This year, I thought I would be smart enough to buy myself a nice handcart, so I stopped at Canadian Tire on my way to the International Centre on Thursday night (after hitting Home Depot and finding one lousy cart with plastic wheels for $100).

Canadian Tire is very similar to Wal-Mart, but switch clothing and entertainment to automotive and household products. They occasionally have some spectacular bargains, but then, so does everyone else.

CT had the requisite cheapo models for around $20, but they also had a heavy-duty cart rated for 600 pounds on sale half-off for $44.99. It appeared to be repackaged, but that doesn't bother me -- I figure all the parts must be there or it wouldn't be put back out for sale.

Normally I'm a cheapskate, but this time I spent the extra money, figuring I could loan it out to others at the show and not have to worry about it breaking.

On Thursday nights, you're able to drive your vehicle into the building, so I didn't need the cart. I came home pooped and set the alarm for 6 a.m. to assemble my new toy.

Imagine my surprise when I opened the packaging and found one of the pieces which holds the major wheel axle not welded to the cart's frame. This rendered the cart useless, and of course it was too early to return it for another, which added up to me having to rent a cart at the show (actually, I got it for free by trading baked goods, but that's another story).

I finally got around to returning the cart a few days ago. The young girl behind the counter didn't seem too thrilled to see me when I handed her my receipt.

I explained that one of the parts wasn't welded, blah blah. She didn't seem to understand the difficulty, but she also didn't seem to care.

"Do you want another one?" she asked.

"No, I don't," I said. "I think this one was repackaged and it was broken, so I'd prefer just to get my money back."

"Okay," she replied, "but do you have your Canadian Tire money?"

I didn't get what she was asking at first. For those of you who are unfamiliar, CT money is doled out as a percentage of what you spend in the store. It spends the same as regular money in the store, and CT sometimes has special days where you can get double and triple your CT cash.

I never take the stuff. It's unwieldy, inconvenient and I frankly don't like CT enough to shop there enough to save up for anything. I do use a Canadian Tire gas station frequently, but I always tell the clerk to keep it. I believe they save it up and then go to the store to buy something for themselves.

On my $44.99 purchase, I had earned $.40 in CT money -- or less than 1%. So I had refused it. The salesperson simply put it back in the register.

"Oh," my current clerk said. "Well, we have to take that off your refund."

"Why?" I asked. "I didn't take it. I never take it."

"It still has to come off," she replied.

I didn't argue with her, because she doesn't set the policy. So I put it to you, Canadian Tire executives -- are people buying large, cheap (and broken) items from you and then returning them for $.40 in fake money a huge problem? Do you have people purchasing lawn mowers at $1K a crack on triple cash days, then bringing them back for the $30 it nets them?

I hope so, because your theft of my $.40 when you sold me a broken item will keep me out of Canadian Tire stores for a long time to come.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Welcome to Week Twelve of the 2007 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where if you like ‘em big, Vegas is catering to you.

The Hoser posted a decent 8-6-2 week against the spread (hate those three- and 10-point lines) and was 12-4 straight up. Of course, we managed to blow every single one of our extra picks. This week, we’re just throwing darts for those – after we remove the 8x10 of Ann Coulter that resides on our board now.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having your wife head for the bathrooms off Ramp D at the Meadowlands.

Green Bay (-3.5) at DETROIT – O/U 47.5: Brett Favre’s mojo vs. a team that racked up a whopping 10 points against the Giants. Tough call. Packers 27, Lions 16.

NY Jets (+14) at DALLAS – O/U 48: Eric Mangini will run out of phones before the Cowboys stop scoring. Still, the line’s too big. Cowboys 34, Jets 21.

Indianapolis (-11.5) at ATLANTA – O/U 41.5: Joey Harrington earns a pair of wins, then gets benched when Byron Leftwich returns. Now the Falcons name Harrington the starter again. We’ll give Joey $50 if he walks out for the coin flip, drops trou and takes a dump on the team logo at midfield. Colts 28, Falcons 17.

Denver (-2.5) at CHICAGO – O/U 41: Remember when people used to fear the Bears’ defense? Broncos 23, Bears 17.

Tennessee (-1.5) at CINCINNATI – O/U 47: Which will suck less, the Titans’ offense or the Bengals’ defense? Titans 27, Bengals 20.

Buffalo (+7.5) at JACKSONVILLE – O/U 36: Did anyone hear John Madden talking Sunday night about eating a bunch of Buffalo wings billed as “suicidal”? What do they have for a septic tank on the Maddencruiser – a missile silo? Jaguars 23, Bills 14.

Oakland (+6) at KANSAS CITY – O/U 34.5: Great special at Arrowhead Stadium this week – buy two bratwurst combos and get one carry as a Chiefs running back. Raiders 20, Chiefs 16.

Houston (+3.5) at CLEVELAND – O/U 51.5: We’re hoping Phil Dawson gets a McDonald’s commercial with MJ and Bird – “Off my foot, off the upright, off the standard, nothing but confusion.” Browns 30, Texans 24.

Seattle (-3) at ST. LOUIS – O/U 44.5: The sad thing is after St. Louis wins this game, they’ll only be three games off the division lead after starting 0-8. Rams 26, Seahawks 20.

Minnesota (+7) at N.Y GIANTS – O/U 41: Tarvaris Jackson threw the ball 22 times last week and we’re wondering, “Why?” Giants 24, Vikings 14.

New Orleans (-2) at CAROLINA – O/U 41: Does anyone else look at Carolina’s receiving totals and think, “Dale Jarrett?” Panthers 22, Saints 20.

Washington (+3.5) at TAMPA BAY – O/U 37.5: Boy, that Clinton Portis trade has sure done wonders for the Redskins, hasn’t it? Buccaneers 20, Redskins 19.

San Francisco (+10.5) at ARIZONA – O/U 38: The 49ers picked up exactly one more rushing first down than The Hoser did last week. That’s no way to run a football team, son. Cardinals 29, 49ers 13.

Baltimore (+9.5) at SAN DIEGO – O/U 38.5: Can we start turning Matt Millen jokes into Norv Turner jokes now? Chargers 23, Ravens 16.

Philadelphia (+21) at NEW ENGLAND – O/U 49.5: With McNabb out for this game, we expected to see a +∞ for Philly. Patriots 40, Eagles 17.

Miami (+16) at PITTSBURGH – O/U 42: You lose to the Jets and you get a 16-point spread the next week? Oh, the Dolphins, right. Steelers 34, Dolphins 13.

Lock of the Week: Oakland

Trifecta: Oakland, Green Bay, St. Louis

Final Week Eleven results:

ATS: 8-6-2

SU: 12-4

Lock of the Week: 0-1

Trifecta: 0-1

The Money Game: -$560

For the season:

ATS: 82-70-8

SU: 108-52

Lock of the Week: 3-8

Trifecta: 1-10

The Money Game: $-2,860

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Welcome to Week 11 of the 2007 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we faltered for a second straight week.

The Hoser struggled to a 6-7-1 week against the spread and 8-6 straight up. In our defense, we were told San Francisco would actually be fielding an NFL team in Seattle.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as calling Barry Bonds as a character witness.

JACKSONVILLE (-3) vs. San Diego 40½: Strictly an anti-Norv pick. Jaguars 24, Chargers 17

INDIANAPOLIS (-14½) vs. Kansas City 42½: No Freeney, no Harrison, no Ugoh ... no cover. Colts 27, Chiefs 14

MINNESOTA (-5½) vs. Oakland 35½: If you wait long enough, someone actually will score in this game. Raiders 16, Vikings 10.

Cleveland (-3) at BALTIMORE 44: The youthful Browns aren't ready for this yet. Oh, and take the under here big. Ravens 19, Browns 17.

Pittsburgh (-9) at N.Y JETS 40: We hate the Jets, but we don't hate Kellen Clemens. Steelers 23, Jets 17.

Tampa Bay (-3) at ATLANTA 35½: Our gut tells us to go with the Falcons, but then our gut told us to go for three Taco Bell gorditas last night. Good thing the wifi reaches into the can. Buccaneers 23, Falcons 19.

CINCINNATI (-3) vs. Arizona 48½: The Cardinals are inconsistent, but the Bengals flat-out suck. Cards 31, Bengals 20.

PHILADELPHIA (-10) vs. Miami 41: The John Beck era starts today ... with a big loss. Eagles 34, Dolphins 17.

New England (-15) at BUFFALO 47: We've been riding the Pats all year long, but the Bills keep this to within a couple scores. Patriots 30, Bills 20.

DALLAS (-11) vs. Washington 46½: The spread seems too big. It isn't. Cowboys 35, Redskins 16.

New Orleans (PK) at HOUSTON 47½: The Texans get Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson back this week. Yay. Texans 27, Saints 24.

GREEN BAY (-10) vs. Carolina 38: Enjoy the ride while you can, Packer backers. It ends in Dallas in a couple weeks. Packers 27, Panthers 13.

N.Y Giants (-2½) at DETROIT 49: The Lions are 4-0 at home, and isn't it about time for a Tom Coughlin choke job? Lions 29, Giants 23.

St. Louis (-3) at SAN FRANCISCO 39½: Only the 49ers could be dogs at home in this case. Rams 28, 49ers 17.

SEATTLE (-5) vs. Chicago 37½: Hey, Rex Grossman's back! Seahawks 20, Bears 13.

DENVER (-2½) vs. Tennessee 38½: Travis Henry's banged up, but there's good news -- he's gained the naming rights to the former Holiday Bowl. This year, Air Force and BYU will meet in the Zig-Zag Smoke-A-Bowl. Broncos 21, Titans 20.

Lock of the Week: Oakland

Trifecta: Oakland, Detroit, Baltimore

O/U Good Buys: Cleveland/Baltimore under, Minnesota/Oakland under

Week 10 results:

ATS: 6-7-1

SU: 8-6

Lock of the Week: 0-1

Trifecta: 0-1

The Money Game: -$760

For the season:

ATS: 74-63-6

SU: 96-48

Lock of the Week: 3-7

Trifecta: 1-9

The Money Game: $-2,300