Welcome to Week Eighteen of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where heading into the postseason, we’re flying higher than a hitcher in the back of Nate Newton’s van.

The Hoser hammered it last week, going 10-6 straight up and a smoking 12-4 against the spread. We also nailed our Lock (thank you, Arizona), but missed the Trifecta (Nice effort, Cincy – it was only a chance at the postseason!). As I said earlier, the best thing about this week is it allowed The Hoser to finish over .500 for the season. If we hadn't closed fast in the past four weeks, we would have been replaced by a chimpanzee making his picks by throwing feces at a chart on the wall.

Which, to be honest, is pretty much how the staff at The Hoser does it anyway.

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as buying a used car from Nick Saban.

Kansas City @ INDIANAPOLIS (-6.5): It doesn’t matter whether the Chiefs backed in, slid in or Electric Boogaloo’d in – what matters is Indy’s absolutely atrocious rushing defense. Seriously, the Colts give it up on the ground like Paris Hilton on a camping trip.

Expect Larry Johnson to go berserk (think 160 yards and 2 TDs), but it still won’t be enough. The Colts haven’t played well down the stretch, but they are 8-0 at home this season, and they also get to face Kansas City’s secondary, which gives it up in the air like Paris Hilton … well, you get the idea. Indianapolis 33, Kansas City 27.

Dallas @ SEATTLE (-3): We freely admit it – we’re rooting for the Seahawks. After an injury-riddled season, Seattle has both Matt Hasslebeck and Shawn Alexander back, but also has huge issues in the secondary (Kelly Herndon and Marcus Trufant are sidelined and Jimmy Williams is a question mark).

It comes down to whether or not Tony Romo can tear himself away from his rotating carousel of lousy blonde singers long enough to find Terrell Owens and Terry Glenn, both of whom should be open most of the day. We’re betting he can and will. Dallas 26, Seattle 20.

New York Jets @ NEW ENGLAND (-9): We’d tab this as an easy cover, but Rodney Harrison appears to be sidelined for the week. Now Chad Pennington, whose idea of a deep ball is a middle screen, can safely work underneath.

It certainly won’t be enough for New York to dump a well-rested Patriots squad, but it should be closer than nine points. By the way, does anyone else think of “Deuce Bigalow” when an announcer says Eric Mangini’s name? New England 26, New York Jets 19.

New York Giants @ PHILADELPHIA (-6.5): The Eagles clearly should win it – they’re at home, they’ve got all the mo’, and Jeff Garcia is looking like a man who deserves to have Playboy Playmates bitchslapping one another for his attentions.

Then why do we get the cold shivers trying to prognosticate this one? Because Tiki Barber ain’t goin’ out like that. The man had simply the finest game of his career to push, pull and drag the Giants into the postseason, and he won’t stop now. Plus, Eli can’t just totally suck all the time, can he? New York Giants 24, Philadelphia 22.

Lock of the Week: New York Giants

Week Seventeen:

12-4 ATS

10-6 SU

1-0 LOTW

0-1 Trifecta

+$1,080

Final Season Stats:

129-123-3 ATS

156-99 SU

7-10 Lock

2-15 Trifecta

-$2,750

Welcome to Week Ten of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where at least we had a better week than the Republicans.

The Hoser improved a bit, although going 8-6 straight up and 5-9 against the spread only looks good when you’ve picking winners with the same success rate as Britney Spears in the husband pool.

In the fun NFL fight of the week, Oakland defensive lineman Tyler Brayton was fined $25,000 for kneeing Seattle tight end Jerramy Stevens in the groin at the end of their contest in Week 9. Stevens was not seriously hurt in the altercation, but team doctors said after the game he was a little testes with them.

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having John Daly as your marriage counselor.

Kansas City @ MIAMI (+1): Dolphins head coach Nick Saban said criticism of his team by Bob Kuechenberg helped spur his team to its win over Chicago. This confused us until The Hoser realized Kuechenberg was a member of the 1972 Dolphins and not Bill Kirkenbauer, the male lead in the ABC ‘80s sitcom “Just The Ten Of Us”. Chiefs 29, Dolphins 20.

Houston @ JACKSONVILLE (-10.5): It didn’t go well for Kinky Friedman on Tuesday night, and it’s gonna go even worse for the Texans this weekend. Jaguars 27, Texans 13.

San Diego @ CINCINNATI (+1.5): Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer said he will be giving football fans an early Christmas gift. This week, instead of tearing a phony name off the back of wide receiver Chad Johnson’s jersey, Palmer will tear out Johnson’s tongue. Chargers 23, Bengals 20.

Cleveland @ ATLANTA (-7.5): Falcons QB Michael Vick may have a career in the movies. After last week’s performance against Detroit, he’s up for the title role in a remake of “The Man Who Fell To Earth”. Falcons 26, Browns 16.

Baltimore @ TENNESSEE (+7.5): There’s both good and bad to head coach Brian Billick’s successful return to play calling for the Ravens. It’s great that Baltimore’s offense is firing on all cylinders, but Billick’s head may swell up enough to cause eclipses in neighboring states. Ravens 24, Titans 10.

Buffalo @ INDIANAPOLIS (-11.5): With running back Willis McGahee out with a few broken ribs, the Bills will turn to Anthony Davis, a veteran with a great nickname – “A-Train”. It even sort of mirrors QB J.P. Losman’s nickname, or at least the word Buffalo fans say every time he drops back to throw – “F-Bomb.” Colts 33, Bills 19.

New Orleans @ PITTSBURGH (-4): Another week of the Steelers being inexplicably favoured against a better team. Does Bill Cowher have pictures of Danny Sheridan naked with Bea Arthur or what? Saints 26, Steelers 20.

Washington @ PHILADELPHIA (-7): Eagles QB Donovan McNabb unveiled his new “Super Five” clothing line this week, which features hooded sweatshirts, vests and knit sweaters. Not to be overshadowed, the Redskins’ secondary also debuted its brand of fire-retardant sportswear named “Burnt Toast”. Eagles 28, Redskins 17.

Chicago @ N.Y. GIANTS (-2.5): The Hoser finally jumps on the Bears’ bandwagon and bang! – it collapses. Hey, we didn’t see the “Not Safe For Backbacon Inhaling Canadians” sign. Giants 20, Bears 16.

Green Bay @ MINNESOTA (-5): Ahhh, Minnesota, the “Land of 10,000 Lakes” … and zero offensive creativity. Scoring three points against the 49ers is like striking out on a date with Paris Hilton. Vikings 17, Packers 16.

N.Y. Jets @ NEW ENGLAND (-10.5): The Hoser was poking around the Patriots’ web site, looking for some inside info, when he came across this gem of a quote from center Dan Koppen after the Indianapolis game – “We don’t want to lose around here.” And you wonder why sportswriters always seem to have an open beer next to them. Patriots 24, Jets 21.

San Francisco @ DETROIT (-6): One win does not stop the Matt Millen joke train! So …
Matt Millen walks into a UPS Store and asks for a box two inches high, two inches wide and 50 feet long.
The clerk looks at Millen and says, “What would you want a box like that for?"
"Well,” Millen says, "my neighbor moved away but left some stuff in the garage, so he asked me to send him his garden hose." Lions 23, 49ers 13.

Denver @ OAKLAND (+9): Raiders head coach Art Shell looked mortified Monday night after his quarterback was sacked nine times in a loss to Seattle. Seriously, Andrew Walters spent more time on his ass than Don Quixote. Broncos 29, Raiders 7.

St. Louis @ SEATTLE (-3.5): St. Louis fans have to be a little disturbed that Rams head coach Scott Linehan was mentored by recently fired Mighigan State head coach John L. Smith. That’s like finding out your nanny was referred by Michael Jackson. Seahawks 24, Rams 20.

Tampa Bay @ CAROLINA (-9.5): Hey, remember when Bucs head coach Jon Gruden was a genius? Panthers 30, Buccaneers 17.

Dallas @ ARIZONA (+7): The Hoser and his lovely wife have been taking odds on our seven-month-old daughter’s first word. “Mama” is at 2:1, “kitty” is at 4:1, and “Obafemi Ayanbadejo” is at about the same odds as Dennis Green having a job at the end of the season. Cowboys 31, Cardinals 21.

Lock of the Week: New Orleans

Trifecta: New Orleans, Detroit, Kansas City

Week Nine:

5-9 ATS
8-6 SU
0-1 LOTW
0-1 Trifecta
-$1,000

Overall:

58-68-1 ATS
81-46 SU
2-7 Lock
1-8 Trifecta
-$4,570


And here’s our new weekly feature, The Hoser’s Three Great White (North) Hopes. These are our three guys to surprise on your fantasy roster this weekend:

Anthony Thomas, RB, Buffalo – With McGahee out and the Colts defense handing out rushing yardage like half-priced Halloween candy, the “A-Train” should make at least one stop in the Indianapolis end zone. He’s also a solid pick-up for the remainder of the season.

David Martin, TE, Green Bay – When Brett Favre is short on guys he recognizes to throw passes, the veterans benefit, i.e. Donald Driver seeing more balls than … well, we’ll pass on the cheap Tyler Brayton joke. Martin, however, has caught four balls in each of the last two games and scored two TDs in the last three weeks.

Detroit, D – No, the Lions aren’t particularly wonderful, but they’re playing San Francisco this week, and the 49er red zone offense is softer than ice cream on the beach. Also, an ugly minus-7 turnover ratio means cheap points for you, needy owner.

Welcome to Week Eight of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where if you think our Trifecta pick was awful, just listen to this.

The Hoser not only limped to another 6-7 record against the spread, but we also turned out a putrid 4-9 straight up. To top that, though, The Hoser dropped a fiver on a 20-1, five-game parlay -- and missed all five games. It's getting uglier than Tara Reid with her top off around here.

Amazingly, a woman in Ontario managed to nail all 13 games last weekend in the Pro-Line Pool, netting her a tidy $440,000CDN. And for all you smartasses out there, the Canadian dollar is almost on par with the American buck, so no, it's not like she won $12US. Come on up, people -- no Dubya and the health care's fine!

We use Danny Sheridan's USA Today Wednesday odds as the spread, mainly because I've tried getting them from the Toronto Star, but looking at that paper makes me wish I had some crayons handy.

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Dennis Green speak to your Boy Scout troop.

Houston @ TENNESSEE (-3): How strange is it that I'm more confident in the management of the Texans than that of the Cowboys? Texans 22, Titans 17.

Jacksonville @ PHILADELPHIA (-6): Some good came out of the Eagles' heartbreaking loss to Tampa Bay last week -- Philly QB Donovan McNabb has already landed the role of the little girl in a local theater company's stage remake of "The Exorcist". Eagles 27, Jaguars 20.

Atlanta @ CINCINNATI (-4): Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson this week asked reporters to refer to him as "Ocho Cinco" in reference to his jersey number. Given his one TD catch so far this year, "Senor Disappointment" might be more appropriate. Bengals 24, Falcons 22.

Tampa Bay @ NY GIANTS (-9): In a supreme psyche job, Giants head coach Tom Coughlin is calling for Buccaneer kicker Matt Bryant to undergo testing for steroids, human growth hormone and some sort of fish paralyzer. Giants 26, Buccaneers 21.

San Francisco @ CHICAGO (-16.5): I haven't seen a spread this big since ... damn, I already used Courtney Love this season. Bears 30, 49ers 14.

Arizona @ GREEN BAY (-3): After falling last week to the lowly Raiders, Cards head coach Dennis Green has lost even the staunchest supporter of his managerial style -- former Cubs skipper Lee Elia. Packers 26, Cardinals 21.

Seattle @ KANSAS CITY (-6): Seahawks safety Michael Boulware has been benched. This comes after being outjumped by Torry Holt last week, biting on two play-action passes that resulted in long touchdowns against the Vikings two weeks ago, and announcing he had recently purchased several magic beans from a guy named Jack behind the practice facility. Chiefs 31, Seahawks 19.

Baltimore @ NEW ORLEANS (-2): Saints RB Reggie Bush is destined for greatness. I mean, if you can survive doing a commerical with Jon Lovitz ... Saints 20, Ravens 16.

St. Louis @ SAN DIEGO (-8.5): Given the troubles of Steve Foley and Shawne Merriman, the choice of the new rallying cry of the depleted Chargers defense -- "Be Always Lionhearted -- Chargers Overcome!" -- was probably a poor one. Chargers 31, Rams 24.

OAKLAND @ Pittsburgh (-9): The good news -- it looks like Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger will be fully recovered from the concussion he suffered last week. The bad news -- he came to convinced he's Neil O'Donnell. Steelers 30, Raiders 17.

New York Jets @ CLEVELAND (-2): New offensive coordinator Jeff Davidson takes over the Browns' offense, which is like being named crew chief for the Yugo NASCAR team. Jets 24, Browns 16.

New England @ MINNESOTA (+2): I have a strange hunch. That doesn't have anything to do with the Patriots/Vikings game -- I've just been walking stooped over recently. Vikings 27, Patriots 24.

Indianapolis @ DENVER (-2.5): In an effort to shore up their terrible run defense, the Colts traded for huge defensive tackle Anthony "Booger" Mcfarland. Head coach Tony Dungy said in announcing the deal, "We couldn't have picked a better guy to clog up the middle. He might be a little green, but he'll mucus ... err, make us better." Broncos 20, Colts 19.

Dallas @ CAROLINA (-4.5): It doesn't really matter of new Cowboys statring QB Tony Romo succeeds or not. I mean, he's always got his rib restaurants to fall back on, right? Jaguars 29, Cowboys 22.

Lock of the Week: New York Jets

Trifecta: New York Jets, Minnesota, New Orleans

Week Seven:

6-7 ATS

4-9 SU

0-1 LOTW

0-1 Trifecta

-$830

Overall:

51-48-1 ATS

68-31 SU

2-5 Lock

1-6 Trifecta

-$2,270