Thursday, September 28, 2006

Welcome to Week Four of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we're typing standing up after the spanking we took last week. Seriously, Hugh Grant should get in on some of this action.

There wasn't an area where we were spared. Lock? Blew it. Trifecta? Blew it. 5-8-1 against the spread? Sucked it. Even a 10-4 straight-up record isn't that great in a week isn't great. Our only consolation was calling the Miami-Tennessee exactly at 13-10. Yippee.

Still, we persevere here at THNP. It's sort like being the offensive coordinator for the Titans -- you fight on, even if you know you're doomed.

We use Danny Sheridan's USA Today odds as the spread, mainly because he leaves us the tails from all the free shrimp cocktails he gets at the sports books.

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Eric Lindros be the spokesman for your new hockey helmet.

Indianapolis @ NY JETS (+9.5): The Jets and Giants are looking to share a new stadium. Details haven't been totally worked out, but Tom Coughlin has found a location big enough to accept all dirt removed from the building site -- Jeremy Shockey's mouth. Colts 34, Jets 23.

San Diego @ BALTIMORE (+2.5): Chargers strong safety Terrence Kiel was arrested this week for shipped two cases of codeine-based cough syrup to Texas. He had an excellent reason, though -- Michael Irvin has a cold. Ravens 19, Chargers 17.

Minnesota @ BUFFALO (-1): A few Bills players have lodged complaints after saying they're somewhat uncomfortable with general manager Marv Levy. Part of it has to do with Levy standing on the sidelines at practice and yelling at the team to get off his lawn. Vikings 24, Bills 21.

Dallas @ TENNESSEE (+9.5): With T.O.'s hand and ... ahem, other issues, the Cowboys' wide receiving corps is stretched tighter than Jerry Jones's face. Won't matter. Cowboys 30, Titans 16.

San Francisco @ KANSAS CITY (-7): I wish Al Pacino was calling this game. "And who's that drilled in the backfield again? HUUUARRDDD!" Chiefs 22, 49ers 20.

New Orleans @ CAROLINA (-7.5): I'm going to Hell for saying this, but the Saints are due for a letdown after last week. Oh, and Steve Smith is back. Panthers 30, Saints 20.

Arizona @ ATLANTA (-7): The Cardinals may soon make the move to rookie quarterback Matt Leinart, but don't worry about Kurt Warner. He's already been signed to a recurring role with "The Sopranos" as a fumbling hitman known as "No Thumbs". Falcons 23, Cardinals 17.

Miami @ HOUSTON (+4): God help me, I'm picking the Texans to win a game outright. Here come the locusts. Texans 20, Dolphins 17.

Detroit @ ST. LOUIS (-5.5): I heard a rumour Rod Marinelli is already looking for an easier job than coaching the Lions. You know, like FEMA director in Louisiana. Rams 29, Lions 23.

New England @ CINCINNATI (-6): How far has the Patriots' star fallen? I heard Tom Brady actually returned Tara Reid's phone call this week. Bengals 28, Patriots 19.

Jacksonville @ WASHINGTON (+2.5): The Redskins found themselves offensively last week in Houston, but that's about as hard as finding 50 Cent at a Mormon retreat. Jaguars 27, Redskins 20.

Cleveland @ OAKLAND (+2.5): If you visit the Raiders' web site, you'll find stories on the upcoming game with the Browns in four different languages. So if you need a translation for the word "crappy", you know where to go. Browns 26, Raiders 17.

Seattle @ CHICAGO (-3.5): With Seahawks RB Shawn Alexander out, that slurping sound you hear is Bears defensive coordinator Ron Rivera salivating over getting to blitz constantly. Bears 24, Seahawks 20.

Green Bay @ PHILADELPHIA (-11.5): Brian Westbrook is the most dangerous little man since Napoleon. No, not Dynamite -- Bonaparte. Gosh! Eagles 34, Packers 23.

Lock of the Week: Minnesota

Trifecta: Minnesota, Cleveland, San Francisco

Week Three:
5-8-1 ATS
10-4 SU
0-1 Lock
0-1 Trifecta

24-21-1 ATS
35-11 SU
1-2 Lock
1-2 Trifecta

Friday, September 22, 2006

Welcome to Week Three of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where with the renewed interest in goofball QB Jeff George and Atlanta’s signing of 46-year-old kick Morten Anderson, we’re betting a new NFL sponsor will soon be “Oops, I Crapped My Pants.”

We had another solid week at THNP, scoring a 10-6 ATS and 14-2 straight up. Unfortunately, St. Louis chose to channel the departed Mike Martz and give Steven Jackson only 24 touches, costing us our Lock of the Week and the Trifecta.

We’ll be upping the Lock of the Week to $500 to keep the weekly outlay at $2K a week. After hearing the news and considering our Lock track record, my bookie sent me a bouquet of pansies.

We use Danny Sheridan's USA Today odds as the spread, mainly because we tried I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, but it just gets the computer all slippery.

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is as advisable as taking Alex Rodriguez into a mirror store.

NY Jets @ BUFFALO (-5.5): The Bills racked up a whopping 161 yards of total offense last week, or a shorter distance than the total number of trips I make to the fridge for beer on Sundays. Jets 17, Bills 16.

Cincinnati @ PITTSBURGH (-2): THNP doesn’t wish ill to Chad Johnson, but couldn’t that vicious shot he took have at least forced him to have his jaw wired shut for the next 5-6 months? Bengals 23, Steelers 17.

Jacksonville @ INDIANAPOLIS (-7): Peyton Manning threw for 400 yards and three TDs last week, but in terms of defense, Houston is to Jacksonville as Clay Aiken is to Andrea Bocelli. Colts 26, Jaguars 24.

Tennessee @ MIAMI (-11): What do the end zones in NFL stadiums and cans of StarKist have in common? They’re both dolphin-free. Dolphins 13, Titans 10.

Washington @ HOUSTON (+4): I swear, most of the match-ups this week are about as appealing as walking in on your grandmother in the bathroom. Redskins 23, Texans 17.

Chicago @ MINNESOTA (+3.5): Instant contest -- anyone able to name more than one receiver from each team wins a free “I SAILED WITH THE VIKINGS AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY VENEREAL DISEASE” t-shirt! Vikings 20, Bears 17.

Carolina @ TAMPA BAY (+3): Buccaneer QB Chris Simms is struggling mightily with his decision-making, and from whom does he get advice? President Bush. That’s like asking Dick Cheney to teach a gun-safety course. Panthers 29, Buccaneers 17.

Green Bay @ DETROIT (-6.5): In honour of Lions receiver Roy Williams, I’m making my own promise this week – he’ll underachieve. Lions 23, Packers 16.

Baltimore @ CLEVELAND (+6.5): Browns TE Kellen Winslow Jr. said this week he felt the coaching staff was holding back the offense with conservative playcalling. Head coach Romeo Crennel responded by saying he’d rather have Michael Winslow on his team. Ravens 30, Browns 14.

St. Louis @ ARIZONA (-4.5): The Cardinals have rejected a bid to buy their new stadium’s naming rights by a restaurant chain called The Pink Taco. I have no joke, but I hear Ellen DeGeneres called about season tickets. Cardinals 29, Rams 20.

NY Giants @ SEATTLE (-3.5): Fantasy owners everywhere last week were screaming, “Oh, yes, it IS a Toomer!” Not this week, though. Seahawks 24, Giants 23.

Philadelphia @ SAN FRANCISCO (+6): Last week, the Eagles collapsed like a soufflĂ© in Neil Peart’s kitchen. The 49ers will be on hand to prop them back up. Eagles 28, 49ers 13.

Denver @ NEW ENGLAND (-7): I wish the Broncos would make a deal for Giants back-up QB Jared Lorenzen. Then I could make a killing on “Jake And The Fatman” t-shirts in Denver. Patriots 23, Broncos 17.

Atlanta at NEW ORLEANS (+4): The Saints announced this week they have moved all their seats via the season-ticket route for the remainder of the season. I understand owner Tom Benson brought in Elton John to advise them on selling out. Falcons 22, Saints 16.

Lock of the Week: Carolina
Trifecta: Carolina, Philadelphia, Baltimore

Week Two:
10-6 ATS
14-2 SU
0-1 Lock
0-1 Trifecta

19-13 ATS
25-7 SU
1-1 Lock
1-1 Trifecta

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

If you think the new Buffalo Banana Slugs logo is awful, Globe and Mail staffer James Mirtle wholeheartedly agrees.

Check out his list of the 15 worst hockey logos of all time, and feel free to add your own loser logos.

Mine? I really hate the MAINEiacs logo, but then, I hate the team's name too. Is that a good idea -- tieing your marketing to a state of mental disorder? Hey, maybe you can bring in John Allen Muhammad for a fan night!

Saturday, September 16, 2006

I'm certainly no physician, but this Guardian article on the use of a sleeping aid to revive patients thought to be in permanent vegetative states is simply amazing.

A general practicioner in South Africa gave a man in a five-year PVS a sleeping pill to end involuntary arm spasms that caused him to tear at his hospital mattress. Instead, within 30 minutes he was speaking to his mother and responding.

Just read and marvel.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Welcome to Week Two of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we've taken the liberty of sending Dolphins head coach Nick Saban a couple of dumbbells to work on his arm strength.

Last week was good to THNP. We were a fair 9-7 ATS and 11-5 straight up, but we landed both the Lock of the Week and the Trifecta. At $100 per game, $100 for the Trifecta and $300 for the LOTW (and the 10% juice), we did this:

$900 - $700 ATS = $200
Lock of the Week = $300
Trifecta = $600

$1100 - 10% Juice = +$990

Not half bad. Of course, if you know THNP, you know we won't hit another Trifecta all year, so take it with a grain of salt. The LOTW will jump to $500 on the weeks with fewer games to make the bet an even $2K per week.

Last week an astonishing 11 road teams won, which leads us to believe NFL traveling secretaries must be booking their teams into convents rather than hotels. We call it "Eugene Robinson proofing".

We use Danny Sheridan's USA Today odds as the spread, mainly because the paper does a spiffy job of drying my tears over another Bills loss.

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is as advisable as setting up your sister with new bachelor Bobby Brown.

Oakland at BALTIMORE (-11.5): The Raiders have no leadership, no direction and appear doomed -- it's like being at a Democratic National Convention. Baltimore 27, Oakland 17.

Houston at INDIANAPOLIS (-13): I can't give two touchdowns to a team that has no visible running game. I also can't abide checking to pancakes just because your brother dropped a couple eggs. Waffles, Peyton -- waffles! Indianapolis 27, Houston 16.

Cleveland at CINCINNATI (-10): Calls flooded into 381-JERK, the Bengals' new stadium security hotline, during the preseason games. Turns out it was mostly Jessica thinking she had Nick's new number. Cincinnati 34, Cleveland 13.

Buffalo at MIAMI (-6.5): This has always bothered me -- why would Will Smith think dropping Sly Stallone's name would make us think Miami is cool? What, he couldn't work in Estelle Getty? Buffalo 22, Miami 19.

Detroit at CHICAGO (-9): After the Lions mustered six points against Seattle and the Bears blanked Green Bay, is it possible for Detroit to go negative? Still, the line's too big. Chicago 16, Detroit 13.

Carolina at MINNESOTA (+1.5): Let the party begin in Minnesota -- just keep everyone away from boats. If the Panthers are without Steve Smith again, this is a rout. Minnesota 23, Carolina 21.

NY Giants at PHILADELPHIA (-3): Vince Papale might be invincible, but the Eagles aren't. NY Giants 24, Philadelphia 23.

Tampa Bay at ATLANTA (-5.5): EA Sports has a new game coming out about developing young quarterbacks who struggle with decision-making and handling pressure. It's called "The Simms". Atlanta 26, Tampa Bay 20.

New Orleans at GREEN BAY (+2.5): The Saints aren't as solid as they appeared against Cleveland last week. Unfortunately, the Packers ARE that horrible. New Orleans 26, Green Bay 20.

St. Louis at SAN FRANCISCO (+3): Think Jeff Wilkins asked for an extra day off this week? The Rams won't need him this week. St. Louis 29, San Francisco 22.

Arizona at SEATTLE (-7): Don't the Cardinals always fold in games like this? Anyhow, Matt Hassleback and the Seahawks offense are ready to Branch out. Seattle 31, Arizona 21.

New England at NY JETS (+6): I knew Chad Pennington's shoulder had healed. I just didn't know they replaced it with one from Steve Austin's old stockpile. New England 20, NY Jets 19.

Tenessee at SAN DIEGO (-11): I can hear Billy Volek singing, "Take me to another place..." The entire Titans organization is suffering from Arrested Development. San Diego 34, Tennessee 20.

Kansas City at DENVER (-10.5): First Willie Roaf retires, and now Trent Green is out with a concussion. I bet Herm Edwards didn't think he'd be pining for the good old days with the Jets by Week 2. Denver 23, Kansas City 17.

Washington at DALLAS (-6): It makes sense that Redskins owner Daniel Snyder is now backing Tom Cruise in movie ventures. Getting Washington going offensively is "Mission:Impossible." Dallas 27, Washington 17.

Pittsburgh at JACKSONVILLE (+1): This game's getting as much hype as "Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan." Sorry, I've just been dying to use that film's name somehow. Pittsburgh 26, Jacksonville 20.

Lock of the Week: St. Louis

Trifecta: St. Louis, Kansas City, New Orleans

Week One, Straight Up: 11-5

Week One, ATS: 9-7

Week One, LOTW: 1-0

Week One, Trifecta: 1-0

Week One, Bank Statement: +990

Season, Straight Up: 11-5

Season, ATS: 9-7

Season, LOTW: 1-0

Season, Trifecta: 1-0

Season Bank Statement: +$990

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Everyone likes a good trainwreck thread ... here's a real one caught on a security camera atop a grain silo in Arkansas. Watch for the train coming out of the right side of your screen.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Final Week One -- 9-7 ATS and 11-5 straight up.

$900 - $700 ATS = $200
Lock of the Week = $300
Trifecta = $600

$1100 - 10% Juice = +$990

Not bad.

Monday, September 11, 2006

A little information on how the picks are running thus far for Week One (first indicator is ATS, second is SU):

Pittsburgh covers Miami W/W
St. Louis covers Denver L/L
NY Jets cover Tennessee W/W
Buffalo covers New England L/W
Baltimore covers Tampa Bay L/L
Cincy covers KC W/W
Detroit covers Seattle L/W
Atlanta covers Carolina L/W
New Orleans covers Cleveland W/L
Philly covers Houston W/W
Jacksonville covers Dallas W/L
Chicago covers Green Bay W/W
San Francisco covers Arizona L/W
Indy covers NY Giants L/L
Minnesota covers Washington W/W

At this point, The Hoser is 8-7 ATS and 10-5 SU. We are, however, two-for-two in the Trifecta -- go San Diego! Here's how the money will be bet so we can keep a bank for the season:

$100 on each ATS
$300 on the Lock of the Week
$100 on the Trifecta (which pays at 6:1)

The LOTW will jump to $500 on the weeks with fewer games. I bet I hit it while I'm going cheap.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

I have no good reason to post this, but it might be the angriest cat I have ever seen.

Even angrier than Lanny when I gave him the antibiotics for a week (see below).

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Welcome to Week One of The Hoser's NFL Picks. This will be the third season The Hoser will being offering his opinions, snarks and half-baked thoughts. It might also be the first he actually finishes.

We here at THNP would like to make a few promises to you before we kick off Thursday night, promises that may make you more comfortable in reading us every week:

* We promise to limit ourselves to one snide comment about Terrell Owens per week.
* We promise never to post pictures of ourselves dressed up as Michael Irvin or Deion Sanders for Halloween. It's too hard to find a purple crushed velvet suit coat in a 58 long anyway.
* We promise we'll make no reference to Jon Gruden's facial contortions, no matter how much it looks like he needs a laxative.
* We promise not to give out your email or personal information to our new administrative assistant and driver, Maurice Clarett.

We use Danny Sheridan's USA Today odds as the spread, mainly because Jimmy Kimmel finally got that restraining order.

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is as advisable as driving erratically in San Diego.

Miami at PITTSBURGH (-1): TMNP favourite Ben Roethlisberger is out for at least the opener after having an emergency appendectomy. I was going to start a "Batch Watch", but my assistant pointed out that it doesn't rhyme. Damn it. Steelers 23, Dolphins 20.

Denver at ST. LOUIS (+3.5): Sing along, Rams fans -- Ding dong, Mike Martz is dead! We'll run the ball, we'll run the ball! Ding dong, the stupid putz is dead! Still won't be enough. Broncos 28, Rams 20.

NY Jets at TENNESSEE (-2.5): Are you ready for the Billy Volek Kerry Collins era? Yeah, neither am I. Jets 19, Titans 13.

Buffalo at NEW ENGLAND (-9): On a squad that features J.P Losman and Kelly Holcombe at QB and brought back Peerless Price to play wide reciever, the Bills drafted in the first round ... a safety. Meanwhile, the Pats grabbed Laurence Maroney and traded for Doug Gabriel. Good grief. Patriots 34, Bills 17.

Baltimore at TAMPA BAY (-3): How telling is it that Ravens fans are geeked about getting 58-year-old Steve McNair? Woohoo indeed. Buccaneers 22, Ravens 16.

Cincinnati at KANSAS CITY (-2.5): I know it's Herm Edwards instead of Dick Vermeil, but I guarantee you after Herm sees this team without Willie Roaf and any decent wide receivers, he'll be crying, too. Bengals 26, Chiefs 23.

Seattle at DETROIT (+6): Just six points? This offense shines brighter than Matt Hasslebeck's head. Seahawks 34, Lions 13.

Atlanta at CAROLINA (-6): The Falcons traded to acquire whiny receiver Ashley Lelie. Why? Michael Vick should already be playing that position. Panthers 22, Falcons 19.

New Orleans at CLEVELAND (-3): If you think of the NFL as high drama and tragedy, this game is like Carrot Top co-starring in a play with Pauly Shore. Browns 20, Saints 19.

Philadelphia at HOUSTON (+5): For all you Texans fans complaining about your team passing on Reggie Bush in favor of Mario Williams, would you shut up? I mean, for God's sake, you just signed Ron Dayne! Eagles 30, Texans 17.

Dallas at JACKSONVILLE (-2.5): With Greg Jones gone for the season, Jaguar fans must pray for Fred Taylor to stay healthy ... which is like praying for Glass Joe to whup Mike Tyson in PunchOut. Cowboys 24, Jags 23.

Chicago at GREEN BAY (+3.5): Everyone's concerned about Brett Favre, but I'm more worried about the Packers cutting RB Najeh Davenport. I mean, he could be headed for the CFL, Toronto still needs running backs ... and I'll have to hide my laundry baskets. Bears 22, Packers 16.

San Francisco at ARIZONA (-7.5): Good news for San Fran fans -- it's entirely possible 49ers QB Alex Smith could match his 2005 season total for passing TDs on Sunday. Cardinals 29, 49ers 13.

Indianapolis at NY GIANTS (+3.5): Which do you suppose is greater -- the payroll of the New York Yankees or the Giants' bill to feed back-up QB Jared Lorenzen? Giants 31, Colts 29.

Minnesota at WASHINGTON (-5): The Vikings have lost Moss and Culpepper in recent years, but hey, at least they hung onto their Johnson. Vikings 23, Redskins 21.

San Diego at OAKLAND (+3): Has anyone ever seen Raider QB Aaron Brooks in the same room as Martin Lawrence? Chargers 27, Raiders 10.

Lock of the Week: San Diego

Trifecta: San Diego, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh