Sunday, December 28, 2008

Oakland (+13) at TAMPA BAY -- O/U 39: Tampa Bay 27, Oakland 16
Detroit (+11) at GREEN BAY -- O/U 43: Detroit 20, Green Bay 19
Dallas (+1.5) at PHILADELPHIA -- O/U 42.5: Eagles 22, Cowboys 19.
New York Giants (+7) at MINNESOTA -- O/U 41.5: Vikings 23, Giants 17.
Chicago (+2.5) at HOUSTON -- O/U 47: Bears 23, Texans 21.
Carolina (-1.5) at NEW ORLEANS -- O/U 51.5: Panthers 31, Saints 27.
St. Louis (+14) at ATLANTA -- O/U 44.5: Falcons 33, Rams 16.
Kansas City (-3) at CINCINNATI -- O/U 38.5: Bengals 21, Chiefs 17.
Jacksonville (+11) at BALTIMORE -- O/U 37.5: Ravens 26, Jaguars 16.
Tennessee (-2.5) at INDIANAPOLIS -- O/U 39: Colts 26, Titans 22.
Cleveland (+11) at PITTSBURGH -- O/U 34: Steelers 20, Browns 7.
Miami (+3) at NEW YORK JETS -- O/U 43: Dolphins 27, Jets 23.
New England (-5.5) at BUFFALO -- O/U 43.5: Patriots 29, Bills 13.
Seattle (+6.5) at ARIZONA -- O/U 46: Cardinals 24, Seahawks 23.
Washington (+3) at SAN FRANCISCO -- O/U 37.5: 49ers 19, Racists 14.
Denver (+8) at SAN DIEGO -- O/U 50.5: Chargers 31, Broncos 30.

Lock of the Week: Detroit
Trifecta: Detroit, Miami, Denver

Friday, December 19, 2008

Welcome to Week 16 of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re wondering how long someone's father could really be stuck dead in the chimney without the family figuring out where he was.

The Hoser went 10-6 straight up and 8-6-2 against the spread in Week 14. We bet Tennessee would rebound in the Lock, however. Not so much.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as booking an appointment with Rod Blagojevich's hair stylist. Merry Christmas, helmet head!

Baltimore (+4.5) at DALLAS -- O/U 39: With both Terrell Owens and Ray Lewis in this game, we'll have to stockpile twice the number of rolled-up socks to throw at the TV. Cowboys 23, Ravens 16.

Pittsburgh (-1.5) at TENNESSEE -- O/U 34.5: From undefeated to underdog -- and deservedly so.

Miami (-4) at KANSAS CITY -- O/U 39.5: It's bad when the most interesting thing happening in Kansas City is whether the boss is quitting or not. Dolphins 23, Chiefs 13.

Arizona (+8) at NEW ENGLAND -- O/U 45.5: Now here's a situation the Cards are used to -- a late-season game with no meaning for them. Patriots 26, Cardinals 20.

Cincinnati (+3) at CLEVELAND -- O/U 32: President Bush has now declared Ohio an official NFL disaster area. Browns 19, Bengals 13.

Philadelphia (-5) at WASHINGTON -- O/U 39: There was a point this season when Jim Zorn was considered an up-and-coming genius, wasn't there? Eagles 31, Racists 17.

San Francisco (-5.5) at ST LOUIS -- O/U 43.5: Mike Singletary has sewn up his job, and Jim Haslett probably doesn't want his. 49ers 24, Rams 20.

Atlanta (+3) at MINNESOTA -- O/U 43.5: Think the Falcons will take Michael Vick back at quarterback? Falcons 21, Vikings 20.

New Orleans (-7) at DETROIT -- O/U 51: Nope, not this week either. Saints 30, Lions 20.

Carolina (+3) at NY GIANTS -- O/U 37.5: Without Brandon and Plaxico, the Giants don't have a shot in the leg. Dark. Sorry. Panthers 21, Giants 20.

NY Jets (-4.5) at SEATTLE -- O/U 43.5: Has anyone ever been as happy to leave an NFL head coaching job as Mike Holmgren probably is? Jets 27, Seahawks 16.

Houston (-7.5) at OAKLAND -- O/U 44: The high point to the Raiders' season was ... well, there really was no high point. Texans 23, Raiders 16.

Buffalo (+7) at DENVER -- O/U 45: Auto workers are losing their jobs and Dick Jauron just got an extension? Broncos 29, Bills 13.

San Diego (+3) at TAMPA BAY -- O/U 43: The Buccaneers really need this game. The Chargers really need ... a lot. Buccaneers 22, Chargers 17.

Green Bay (+4.5) at CHICAGO -- O/U 41: The Packers are still playing? Bears 26, Packers 19.

Lock of the Week: Denver

Trifecta: Denver, Carolina, Philadelphia

Week 15 Results:

Straight Up: 10-6

Against The Spread: 8-6-2

Lock of the Week: 0-1

Trifecta: 0-1

Money Banked: $-240

Season Results:

Straight Up: 142-82

Against The Spread: 107-101-6

Lock of the Week: 9-6

Trifecta: 0-15

Money Count: $-2,370

Monday, December 15, 2008

So far this week, we're 9-6 straight up and 7-6-2 against the spread. We've already blown the Lock and the Trifecta.

We also haven't updated in a while:

Season Results:

Straight Up: 141-82

Against The Spread: 106-101-6

Lock of the Week: 9-6

Trifecta: 0-15

Money Count: $-2,390

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Just the picks again -- Christmas crazy!

Green Bay Packers (-2½) at JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS -- O/U 46½: Jaguars 24, Packers 21.
Detroit Lions (+17) at INDIANAPOLIS COLTS -- O/U 45½: Colts 33, Lions 20.
Washington Redskins (-7) at CINCINNATI BENGALS -- O/U 36: Racists 20, Bengals 16.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+3) at ATLANTA FALCONS -- O/U 44½: I believe in Brian Griese. Buccaneers 21, Falcons 20.
San Francisco 49ers (+6) at MIAMI DOLPHINS -- O/U 41½: I also believe in Mike Singletary ... but not that much. Dolphins 21, 49ers 17.
Seattle Seahawks (-2½) at ST LOUIS RAMS -- O/U 42½: The Dog Bowl. Seahawks 26, Rams 17.
Buffalo Bills (+7½) at NEW YORK JETS -- O/U 41½: Jets 20, Bills 16.
Tennessee Titans (-3) at HOUSTON TEXANS -- O/U 45: Just a field goal? Titans 27, Texans 23.
Pittsburgh Steelers (+2½) at BALTIMORE RAVENS -- O/U 34: Ravens 20, Steelers 16.
Denver Broncos (+7½) at CAROLINA PANTHERS -- O/U 47½: Panthers 31, Broncos 24.
San Diego Chargers (-5½) at KANSAS CITY CHIEFS -- O/U 45: Chiefs 24, Chargers 23.
Minnesota Vikings (+3) at ARIZONA CARDINALS -- O/U 47: Cardinals 29, Vikings 23.
New England Patriots (-7) at OAKLAND RAIDERS -- O/U 39½: Patriots 24, Raiders 20.
New York Giants (+3) at DALLAS COWBOYS -- O/U 46: No Brandon Jacobs? Ut ohhhhh. Cowboys 23, Giants 21.
Cleveland Browns (+14) at PHILADELPHIA EAGLES -- O/U 38½: Can you have a two TD spread in a 38-point game? Eagles 27, Browns 14.

Lock of the Week: Tennessee
Trifecta: Tennessee, Jacksonville, Tampa Bay

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Just the scores this week -- Christmas rush. Got the San Diego game earlier!

Cincinnati (+13.5) at INDIANAPOLIS COLTS -- O/U 41.5: Indianapolis 31, Cincinnati 13.
Jacksonville (+7) at CHICAGO -- O/U 40.5: Chicago 20, Jacksonville 16.
Houston (+6) at GREEN BAY -- O/U 47.5: Green Bay 21, Houston 17.
Cleveland (+14) at TENNESSEE -- O/U 36.5: Tennessee 27, Cleveland 17.
Minnesota (-11.5) at DETROIT LIONS -- O/U 46: Minnesota 30, Detroit 20.
Washington (+5.5) at BALTIMORE RAVENS -- O/U 35: Baltimore 23, Washington 17.
Philadelphia (+7) at NEW YORK GIANTS -- O/U 42.5: New York Giants 26, Philadelphia 23.
Atlanta (+3) at NEW ORLEANS -- O/U 51.5: Atlanta 27, New Orleans 24.
New York Jets (-3.5) @ SAN FRANCISCO -- O/U 45: New York Jets 23, San Francisco 21.
Miami (+1) at BUFFALO -- O/U 42.5: Miami 20, Buffalo 14.
Kansas City (+9) at DENVER -- O/U 48.5: Denver 36, Kansas City 23.
St. Louis (+14) at ARIZONA -- O/U 48.5: Arizona 34, St. Louis 17.
Dallas (+3) at PITTSBURGH -- O/U 39: Pittsburgh 19, Cowboys 14.
New England (-6.5) at SEATTLE -- O/U 43: New England 27, Seattle 17.
Tampa Bay (+3) at CAROLINA -- O/U 38.5: Carolina 21, Tampa Bay 17.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

By now we’ve all read or heard or seen National Hockey League forward Sean Avery’s amazingly insulting comment about his former girlfriends and their NHL beaus.

Avery has been suspended indefinitely by the league, as he should have been. Gamesmanship is one thing, but seeking out the camera to deliver personal swipes is crossing the line.

This is what we expect from Avery, a mildly talented buffoon who has spent his career being sought and then rejected. Now on his fourth team, he comes in and makes himself welcome by aggravating the opposition, but eventually wears out his welcome with his attention-whoring ways.

And yet franchises continue to hire him and the public continues to enable his behaviour. He gets paid – and very well – to be a jerk.

So if Avery, who has managed to pile up all of 177 points in 402 career games, isn’t the problem, who is?

We are.

We, the hockey-loving public, who continue to mouth platitudes about how it’s necessary to have a “character” guy on a winning team – we’re to blame.

No team on which Avery has played has advanced past the second round of the playoffs. He did play 36 games for the Red Wings in their run to the Stanley Cup in 2001-02, but he was deemed expendable and left off the postseason roster. The next season, same deal.

And “character” is an interesting word. If a guy is wearing your rival’s jersey and he makes remarks about someone’s bout with cancer, he’s a complete tool. But if he does it in your team’s sweater, he’s a “character” guy.

No, he isn’t. He’s just a tool whose parents did a poor job raising him.

The NHL is.

The league inadvertently protected Avery by suspending him before he could take the ice against Calgary on Tuesday. Had he played, Avery would have faced Dion Phaneuf (who is dating one of Avery’s ex-girlfriends) and the rest of the Flames, who would have been likely to run him repeatedly.

Or perhaps they wouldn’t have. The NHL is also protecting Avery and other idiots like him by keeping the instigator rule, which penalizes those who would ask Avery to back up his mouth with two fists.

The rule was created with good intentions, but instead has allowed a proliferation of headhunting, boarding and other chippy play to go unpunished. That’s ridiculous, and it’s going to get a superstar’s career ended.

Drop the rule and let the players police themselves, NHL – they’ll do a far better job than you have.

The hockey media is.

Was there really any reason to even talk with Avery?

Is he an integral part of the Stars’ game plan coming into Tuesday night’s contest? At 10 points (and 77 penalty minutes) through 23 games, no, he isn’t.

But the media knows Avery has a big mouth and either isn’t afraid to use it or is too stupid to know when to keep it shut. So the cameras and the recorders come out when he deigns to speak.

It's lazy and it's not journalism -- it's lowest common denominator junk. Use better judgment, media types. You know the difference between news and tripe, and so do we.

If you stop giving Avery a platform to spout his garbage, he’ll wither and die like the weed he is.

And we’ll all be the better for it.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Welcome to Week 13 of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re wondering how many turkey, cranberry sauce and stuffing sandwiches our mother will eat this weekend.

The Hoser went 9-7 straight up and 6-9-1 against the spread in Week 12. We picked up the Lock for the fourth week in a row, but man – did we really pick the Eagles? And the Packers? It’s so tempting to use the blog’s editing function sometimes.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as picking Detroit to cover this week, apparently.

Tennessee (-11) at DETROIT – O/U 44: We remember the Titans … back when they had a running game. They won’t score enough to cover this, even against Detroit. Titans 24, Lions 14.

Seattle (+12.5) at DALLAS – O/U 47: Apparently the oddsmakers think the Cowboys are back. Against the Seahawks, who isn’t? Cowboys 34, Seahawks 17.

Arizona (+3) at PHILADELPHIA – O/U 46.5: Are we wrong in thinking all Eagles fans want for Christmas is Andy Reid’s head? Cardinals 26, Eagles 20.

Denver (+7.5) at NY JETS – O/U 47.5: Everything negative we’ve said about Brett Favre this season, well … we still believe all of it, but the old man’s playing pretty well and it won’t stop here. Jets 27, Broncos 21.

San Francisco (+6.5) at BUFFALO – O/U 43: Maybe the most telling thing about the 49ers is their own web site has no team news since last week’s loss. Hasn’t Samurai Mike dropped his pants or anything? Bills 24, 49ers 17.

New Orleans (+4) at TAMPA BAY – O/U 48: Bad news for Drew Brees – there may be an actual defense on the field facing him this week. Buccaneers 29, Saints 20.

Carolina (+3) at GREEN BAY – O/U 43: Now we know exactly what those Cheeseheads really represent – the porous Packer secondary. Panthers 24, Packers 20.

NY Giants (-3) at WASHINGTON – O/U 42: In any other division, Washington might be running away with the title. Instead, they’re about to drop to third place. Giants 22, Racists 16.

Miami (PK) at ST LOUIS – O/U NL: Uhh, does losing Greg Camarillo really make the Dolphins a pick ‘em with the Rams? Wouldn’t they have to field actual dolphins for that to happen? Dolphins 27, Rams 20.

Baltimore (-7) at CINCINNATI – O/U 36.5: Here’s the lead of the story on the Bengals’ loss to the Steelers last week: “The Bengals' hand-crafted lineup knitted one of those efforts Thursday night at Heinz Field that had all the homespun traits of heart and grit. But they just didn't have enough yarn to trip up the AFC North-leading Steelers.” Wow. Just wow. Ravens 22, Bengals 16.

Indianapolis (-4.5) at CLEVELAND -- O/U 45: We heard a commentator ask if there was any way the Browns’ players might save head coach Romeo Crennel’s job. Sure there is – if one them finds pictures of Randy Lerner naked with several farm animals, the odds would be 50/50. Colts 24, Browns 20.

Atlanta (+5) at SAN DIEGO – O/U 49: The poor Chargers. We’re pretty sure if they ever got a double-digit lead in the fourth quarter, the blimp would crash onto the field. Chargers 31, Falcons 20.

Pittsburgh (+1) at NEW ENGLAND -- O/U 40: analyst Pat Kirwan thinks Patriots QB Matt Cassel is playing himself into a big free-agent contract. That’s nice, but what we all want to know is – when will he score the requisite model girlfriend? Patriots 23, Steelers 17.

Kansas City (+3) at OAKLAND – O/U 41.5: Warning – view this game directly after a meal of Thanksgiving leftovers could cause nausea and vomiting. Raiders 24, Chiefs 20.

Chicago (+3.5) at MINNESOTA – O/U 42.5: Couldn’t Vikings head coach Brad Childress motivate his troops by threatening an all-you-can-eat lutefisk feast if they lose? Vikings 23, Bears 16.

Jacksonville (+3.5) at HOUSTON – O/U 48.5: This stinker will have NFL fans cueing up The Boomtown Rats. Texans 24, Jaguars 21.

Lock of the Week: Miami

Trifecta: Miami, New England, Carolina

Week 12 Results:

Straight Up: 9-7

Against The Spread: 6-9-1

Lock of the Week: 1-0

Trifecta: 0-1

Money Banked: $-260

Season Results:

Straight Up: 112-64

Against The Spread: 81-81-4

Lock of the Week: 7-5

Trifecta: 0-12

Money Count: $-2,380

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Monday, November 24, 2008

So far in Week 12:

Straight Up: 9-6

Against The Spread: 6-8-1

We got our fourth Lock of the Week in a row with Indianapolis, but Philly screwed us (and themselves) for the Trifecta.

Kevin Kolb? Really?

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Welcome to Week 12 of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re still wondering who in the hell would buy stock in a company called in the first place.

The Hoser went 10-6 straight up and 8-8 against the spread in Week 10. We did manage to make it three weeks in a row on the Lock, but that allowed us just a paltry $60 gain for the week, and as we found out today, that doesn't even buy you a $^%#ing Lego set any more.

Not football, but does anyone else think the Republicans tanked the presidential election this year? They knew they were toast from the outset, and they knew the new candidate would have a terrible economy and Iraq to handle, right? So why not offer up an aging candidate – and then saddle him with the worst running mate since Lawrence Phillips?

And no, we haven’t been listening to “Coast To Coast AM” – well, not more than normal, anyway.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as standing on the sidewalk outside a high-rise brokerage building.

Cincinnati (+11) at PITTSBURGH – O/U 34.5: Bengals WR Chad Johnson has apparently been deactivated for Thursday night’s game against the Steelers for a violation of a team rule. Funny – we hadn’t noticed he’d been on the field all year. Steelers 30, Bengals 20.

Houston (+3) at CLEVELAND – O/U 49.5: The Texans have started a Pro Bowl campaign for TE Owen Daniels. He should be a lock as long as he avoids that endorsement from Dubya. Browns 27, Texans 22.

Buffalo (-3) at KANSAS CITY – O/U 43.5: You know your season has collapsed when you’re only a field-goal favourite over the Chiefs. Chiefs 22, Bills 20.

New York Jets (+5.5) at TENNESSEE – O/U 41: We were shocked to discover Titans QB Kerry Collins is now 13th on the NFL’s all-time passing yardage list. It still doesn’t help him wrest away the title of Greatest Titan Ever away from … Al Del Greco! Titans 20, Jets 17.

New England (+1.5) at MIAMI – O/U 41.5: We still can’t used to the Dolphins being favoured over the Patriots. Is Tony Eason at QB for the Pats tonight? Patriots 22, Dolphins 16.

San Francisco (+10.5) at DALLAS – O/U 47: The NFL head office has reinstated Dallas DB Adam “Pacman” Jones. There was some doubt, but Cowboys lawyers found the “Last Last Last Last Last Last Last Last Last Last Chance” provision in the league’s books. Cowboys 23, 49ers 14.

Tampa Bay (-9) at DETROIT – O/U 41.5: It must be horrible to live in Detroit, read about all the trouble the Big Three are having – and then realize you have to root for the Lions on Sunday. Buccaneers 27, Lions 21.

Philadelphia (+1) at BALTIMORE – O/U 39.5: What will the smart Eagles fan get Donovan McNabb this Christmas? Why, a tie, of course! Eagles 23, Ravens 16.

Chicago (-9) at ST. LOUIS – O/U 43: That talk about what a great job Jim Haslett was doing as interim coach has died down dramatically, hasn't it? Bears 26, Rams 10.

Minnesota (+2.5) at JACKSONVILLE – O/U 40: Does anyone else look at the Minnesota sideline and wonder, “When will the Vikings hire Jameson Parker and reunite Simon & Simon?” Jaguars 23, Vikings 19.

Carolina (+1) at ATLANTA – O/U 42.5: We’re not saying Jake Delhomme had a bad game last week, but the Panthers’ front office called us to see if we still had Chris Weinke’s number. Falcons 24, Panthers 20.

Oakland (+10) at DENVER – O/U 43: You know how your career in the NFL as a running back is really over? If the Broncos didn’t call you this week. Broncos 30, Raiders 16.

Washington (-3) at SEATTLE – O/U 41.5: This line’s only moderately possible because the Seahawks have the scoring power of Andrew Squigman. Racists 24, Seahawks 17.

NY Giants (-3) at ARIZONA – O/U 48.5: Reports have surfaced that Cards RB Edgerrin James has requested a trade after getting only five carries in the last three weeks. We’d be more apt to believe agent Drew Rosenhaus must have a house payment coming up and needs a signing-bonus cut. Giants 27, Cards 23.

Indianapolis (+3) at SAN DIEGO – O/U 49.5: Is it just us, or aren’t the Colts pretty clearly better than the Chargers? Colts 27, Chargers 21.

Green Bay (+2.5) at NEW ORLEANS – O/U 52.5: This game is nice for Brett Favre – he can save cell minutes and just drive over to the SuperDome to tell the Saints what to expect from Green Bay. Packers 28, Saints 24.

Lock of the Week: Indianapolis

Trifecta: Indianapolis, Philadelphia, Green Bay

Week 11 Results:

Straight Up: 10-6

Against The Spread: 8-8

Lock of the Week: 1-0

Trifecta: 0-1

Money Banked: $+60

Season Results:

Straight Up: 103-57

Against The Spread: 75-72-3

Lock of the Week: 6-5

Trifecta: 0-11

Money Count: $-2,120

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Trade show this weekend -- just the picks!

Denver (+6.5) at ATLANTA -- O/U 51: Falcons 30, Broncos 23.

Oakland (+10.5) at MIAMI -- O/U 38: Dolphins 24, Raiders 13.

Baltimore (+7) at N.Y. GIANTS -- O/U 40.5: Giants 31, Ravens 16.

Houston (+8) at INDIANAPOLIS -- O/U 50: Colts 29, Texans 18.

Tennessee (-3) at JACKSONVILLE -- O/U 39.5: Titans 21, Jaguars 17.

Chicago (+3.5) at GREEN BAY -- O/U 43.5: Bears 22, Packers 21.

Philadelphia (-9) at CINCINNATI -- O/U 41: Eagles 30, Bengals 23.

New Orleans (-5) at KANSAS CITY -- O/U 50: Saints 28, Chiefs 24.

Detroit (+14) at CAROLINA -- O/U 39.5: Panthers 23, Lions 16.

Minnesota (+4) at TAMPA BAY -- O/U 39: Buccaneers 20, Vikings 19.

St. Louis (+6.5) at SAN FRANCISCO -- O/U 44: 49ers 30, Rams 17.

Arizona (-2.5) at SEATTLE -- O/U 47.5: Cardinals 34, Seahawks 27.

San Diego (+4.5) at PITTSBURGH -- O/U 42.5: Steelers 26, Chargers 17.

Dallas (-1.5) at WASHINGTON -- O/U 43: Racists 23, Cowboys 21.

Cleveland (+4.5) at BUFFALO -- O/U 42.5: Browns 23, Bills 20.

Lock of the Week: Arizona

Trifecta: Arizona, Washington, Detroit

Week 10 Results:

Straight Up: 11-3

Against The Spread: 5-9

Lock of the Week: 1-0

Trifecta: 0-1

Money Banked: $-140

Season Results:

Straight Up: 93-51

Against The Spread: 67-64-3

Lock of the Week: 5-5

Trifecta: 0-10

Money Count: $-2,180

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Welcome to Week Ten of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re wondering if anyone still refers to Calgon as the ancient Chinese secret.

The Hoser went just 8-6 straight up, but hammered out a 10-4 mark against the spread in Week 9, also picking up the Lock of the Week. Frankly, watching the games on Sunday, we were almost sure this would be our worst week ever -- before Detroit and KC helped us out.

This is always one of our most popular weeks of the season -- haiku time! As is also the case in our prognosticating, we have no particular gift in this area. It's just fun, and it's definitely easier than writing sonnets.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Sarah Palin set up your trip to Africa.

Jacksonville (-7) at DETROIT -- O/U 44.5:

Lions fans, no stockings
Christmas has already come
Matt Millen is gone!

Jaguars 28, Lions 20

Tennessee (-3) at CHICAGO -- O/U 39:

It's a horror flick
Look out, Chicago, it's the
Return Of The Grossman!

Titans 20, Bears 14.

Buffalo (+4) at NEW ENGLAND -- O/U 41.5:

The game's in Foxboro,
which is good -- we bet they have

Patriots 21, Bills 20.

New Orleans (PK) at ATLANTA -- O/U 50:

Sarah Palin wants
wolves shot from airplanes, and it's
Michael Vick in jail?

Atlanta 22, New Orleans 20.

St. Louis (+8) at N.Y. JETS -- O/U 45:

What do Brett Favre and
Judge Smails' kid have in common?
They're both prone to picks.

Jets 26, Rams 24.

Seattle (+9) at MIAMI -- O/U 43.5:

Poor Ricky Williams.
His career down the drain like
so much bongwater.

Dolphins 27, Seahawks 17.

Green Bay (+2.5) at MINNESOTA -- O/U 46:

Packer fans must be sad
About Favre's traitorous call
What a LamBonehead.

Vikings 23, Packers 19.

Carolina (-9) at OAKLAND -- O/U 38:

Football thesaurus,
under the listing for "bust":
JaMarcus Russell.

Panthers 22, Raiders 14.

Kansas City (+15) at SAN DIEGO -- O/U 47:

More than two touchdowns?
Did the Chargers just re-sign
Touchdown Danny Fouts?

Chargers 27, Chiefs 17.

Indianapolis (+3) at PITTSBURGH -- O/U 40.5:

Eli's the hot one,
But Peyton's still tops in squats
on trainer's faces.

Steelers 26, Colts 21.

New York Giants (+3) at PHILADELPHIA -- O/U 44:

We like the Eagles,
But please remind DeSean J:
"Ball must cross the line!"

Eagles 33, Giants 28.

Baltimore (PK) at HOUSTON -- O/U 41.5:

Spicing up your O
By trying out Houston's Sage?
Trust us -- it ain't thyme.

Ravens 22, Texans 16.

San Francisco (+10) at ARIZONA -- O/U 46:

Hey, Singletary!
The league wants you to have this
free trial of Xanax.

Cardinals 30, 49ers 13.

Lock of the Week: Kansas City

Trifecta: Kansas City, Ravens, St. Louis

Week Nine Results:

Straight Up: 8-6

Against The Spread: 10-4

Lock of the Week: 1-0

Trifecta: 0-1

Money Banked: $+860

Season Results:

Straight Up: 82-48

Against The Spread: 62-55-3

Lock of the Week: 4-5

Trifecta: 0-9

Money Count: $-2,040

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Just a little taste with Thursday's game before we drop the haiku funk on you for the week:

Denver (+3) at CLEVELAND -- O/U 46.5:

Denver from Mile High
The Browns have the famous Pound
Snoop Dogg should be here.

Browns 27, Broncos 23

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Loved Jessica Yellin being "beamed" into the CNN newsroom. Before she even made mention of it herself, I told my wife, "This will only be cool if she closes with, 'Help me, Obi Wan -- you're our only hope.'"

And how big of an erection did Wolf Blitzer have there? My God -- dude, we get it!

Friday, October 31, 2008

Welcome to Week Nine of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re wondering what Mike Singletary’s boxers would fetch on eBay.

The Hoser went 11-3 straight up and 7-7 against the spread in Week 8, missing both the Trifecta and the Lock of the Week. It’s a hard, hard day when we make the Lock Carolina 27-21, the final’s 27-23 – and we lose. Yes, yes – put away your little violins, you bastards.

Much noise has been made recently about our refusal to use Washington’s nickname in our picks. It’s pretty simple, folks – the word “redskin” refers to the scalps traded in by English settlers for money, and eventually became a pejorative toward Native Americans themselves. Nothing at all offensive or terrible about it, right? Keep telling yourself that.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having the Marshall University Marching Thunder feng shui your football stadium.

Houston (+4.5) at MINNESOTA – O/U 47: Vikings defensive tackle Pat Williams says his case is different than the others who tested positive for taking diuretics. We’re sure it is, as “weight loss” and “Pat Williams” have never appeared in the same story before. Texans 22, Vikings 19.

Jacksonville (-8) at CINCINNATI – O/U 40.5: Congratulations to Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson, who has 32 receptions thus far this year. Hell, Johnson mentions his own name more times than that in an average five-minute interview. Jaguars 30, Bengals 16.

Tampa Bay (-9) at KANSAS CITY – O/U 36: Too bad for the Chiefs they can’t push around opponents the way Larry Johnson pushes around women. Seriously, get this jerk out of the league and into some therapy. Buccaneers 27, Chiefs 20.

Baltimore (+1.5) at CLEVELAND – O/U 36: Free agents are apparently clamoring to have a chance to play for the Browns. Something about swollen testicles and staph infections being the new black. Browns 23, Ravens 17.

New York Jets (+5.5) at BUFFALO – O/U 42: Lessee – 15 Brett Favre picks in seven games. That works out to about 35 picks for the year – not to mention an 8-8 record and no trip to the postseason. Hey, great pick-up, though! Bills 26, Jets 19.

Arizona (+3) at ST LOUIS – O/U 48.5: It’s not the return of Cardinals QB Kurt Warner that scares St. Louis fans. It’s the thought that his wife Brenda might go back to her old hairstyle. (Hint hint – babe alert! Schwing!) Rams 24, Cardinals 23.

Detroit (+12.5) at CHICAGO – O/U 43.5: It’s entirely possible Kyle Orton could break 4,000 passing yards. Not this season – just this week against the Lions. Bears 28, Lions 17.

Green Bay (+5) at TENNESSEE – O/U 42: Reading a little history about the Packers left us with one question – why aren’t there famous people named “Curly” any more? Titans 22, Packers 19.

Miami (+3.5) at DENVER – O/U 49: Dear Ted Ginn, Jr: We carried your sorry butt all year in our keeper league but had to drop you last week. Thanks, you ungrateful bastard. Broncos 30, Dolphins 23.

Atlanta (-3) at OAKLAND – O/U 41: We thought the Raiders were breaking out the Halloween decorations a little early, but it turns out that Cryptkeeper mannequin up in the luxury suites is actually Al Davis. Falcons 23, Raiders 17.

Dallas (+8.5) at N.Y. GIANTS – O/U 41: We were considering sending an email to Terrell Owens suggesting if he wasn’t handling enough balls, he could try his own in the shower. But given the number of passes he drops over the middle, we’re not sure he has any. Giants 29, Cowboys 20.

Philadelphia (-6.5) at SEATTLE – O/U 43.5: We would say this is the week Philly drops the hammer, but against Seattle, it’s more like Whack-A-Mole. Eagles 33, Seahawks 17.

New England (+6) at INDIANAPOLIS – O/U 44.5: We were about to cue up something about how the mighty have fallen, but lo and behold, the Pats are 5-2. Someone buy Matt Cassel a beer and a little respect! Colts 23, Pats 20.

Pittsburgh (+2) at WASHINGTON – O/U 37: Do you think African-Americans would play in Washington if the team was called the "Blackskins"? Steelers 20, Those Backwards, Misguided People 17.

Lock of the Week: Philadelphia

Trifecta: Philadelphia, Jacksonville, Denver

Over/Under Good Buys: Philly/Seattle Over

Week Eight Results:

Straight Up: 11-3

Against The Spread: 7-7

Lock of the Week: 0-1

Trifecta: 0-1

Money Banked: $-760

Season Results:

Straight Up: 74-42

Against The Spread: 52-51-3

Lock of the Week: 3-5

Trifecta: 0-8

Money Count: $-2,900

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Boy, I can't wait for the NRA to try and explain this one away.

An eight-year-old boy at the Machine Gun Shoot and Firearms Expo at the Westfield Sportsman’s Club in Westfield, Mass., lost control of a machine gun he was firing and shot himself in the head.

The police said the boy was with a licensed instructor. That must be some licensing process they have in Massachusetts. What was he thinking?

"Hell, no, son! You don't want that Daisy air rifle! Try a real man's gun -- the Uzi! Sure, it's heavy and it kicks a lot -- but there's only a 10-20% chance it's too much gun for you and might kick and blow your head off!"

Editor's Note: I'm adding this after my first stupid (and fully expected) comment.

I'm also curious -- were there other parents lined up, awaiting a chance to put a powerful weapon in the hands of a child? If so, the State of Massachusetts should into taking those children out of those homes.

How self-centered and egomaniacal do you have to be to push your own agenda on your kid to the point where you'd put his life in danger?

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Welcome to Week Eight of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re still trying to figure out how the Republicans are for the middle class and still spending $150K on Sarah Palin’s pantsuits.

The Hoser went 8-6 straight up and 6-8 against the spread in Week 7, missing both the Trifecta and the Lock of the Week. That dismal performance has finally crashed us to the .500 mark for the season, putting us at the same level as any chimp flinging poo at a chart on the wall. Or Norman Chad – same thing.

We could have predicted trouble for Tom Brady. We heard Brady’s doctor asked if Tom had any photos of girlfriend Gisele Bundchen’s burgina.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as not picking up Darius Rucker’s new country album. Yeah, that’s Hootie – and he kicks ass.

Oakland Raiders (+7) at BALTIMORE RAVENS – O/U 36: ESPN’s Chris Berman said it took a long time, but the Raiders finally got Cable last week. We laughed – and then slapped ourselves for it. Ravens 20, Raiders 16.

San Diego Chargers (-3) at NEW ORLEANS SAINTS – O/U 45.5: Several Saints, including RB Deuce McAllister, are under suspicion of violating NFL policy for taking “water pills.” Water pills – doesn’t that mean “ice”? Saints 26, Chargers 20.

Kansas City Chiefs (+13.5) at NEW YORK JETS – O/U 39: There is absolutely no freaking way the Jets should be almost two touchdown favourites over anyone – not even the Chiefs. Jets 24, Chiefs 13.

Buffalo Bills (-1.5) at MIAMI DOLPHINS – O/U 42: Home-field advantage isn’t worth that much in Florida to make this less than a field goal. Hell, you can buy an oceanfront condo for $15 or $20 right now, can’t you? Bills 24, Dolphins 17.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+2) at DALLAS COWBOYS – O/U 40.5: As fast as the Cowboys’ star is falling, you’d think John McCain was their offensive coordinator. Buccaneers 26, Cowboys 23.

Atlanta Falcons (+9) at PHILADELPHIA EAGLES – O/U 45.5: Has anyone else noticed how Michael Turner rocks against crappy defenses and stinks against good ones? The Eagles have a pretty good one. Eagles 31, Falcons 17.

St. Louis Rams (+7.5) at NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS – O/U 43: Did the Patriots suddenly get that good? Nope, the Chargers just sucked that badly. Patriots 24, Rams 22.

Arizona Cardinals (+4) at CAROLINA PANTHERS – O/U 43: After the broken bone in his sinus cavity, does Arizona receiver Anquan Boldin have more of a nose for the ball or less? Panthers 27, Cardinals 21.

Washington Redskins (-7.5) at DETROIT LIONS – O/U 42.5: We’re wondering if Rudi Johnson ever got his clothes back? Racists 31, Lions 13.

Cleveland Browns (+6.5) at JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS – O/U 41.5: Best line heard this week -- Deadspin’s Charlie Kelley says Browns TE Kellen Winslow Jr. swollen testicles were so big, even Braylon Edwards wouldn’t drop them. Genius, my friend. Jaguars 31, Browns 20.

New York Giants (+2.5) at PITTSBURGH STEELERS – O/U 42.5: Easily the game of the week. Think Mewelde Moore might be pinching himself? Giants 23, Steelers 20.

Seattle Seahawks (+5.5) at SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS – O/U 41: We’ll take the 49ers just because new San Fran head coach Mike Singletary once yelled, “GOOD JOB!” at us after a marching band performance at Soldier Field. 49ers 30, Seahawks 20. Yeah -- we were band geeks.

Cincinnati Bengals (+9.5) at HOUSTON TEXANS – O/U 44.5: How can anyone bet against a team with Cedric Benson in its backfield? Texans 24, Bengals 17.

Indianapolis Colts (+3.5) at TENNESSEE TITANS – O/U 41: Which Colts team will show up? Doesn’t matter – either one of them would lose to this Tennessee squad. Titans 24, Colts 20.

Lock of the Week: Carolina

Trifecta: Carolina, Jacksonville, Philadelphia

Over/Under Good Buys:

Week Seven Results:

Straight Up: 8-6

Against The Spread: 6-8

Lock of the Week: 0-1

Trifecta: 0-1

Money Banked: $-960

Season Results:

Straight Up: 63-39

Against The Spread: 45-44-3

Lock of the Week: 3-4

Trifecta: 0-7

Money Count: $-2,140

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Just the picks this week:

Tennessee (-8) at KANSAS CITY -- O/U 35: Titans 20, Kansas City 13.
San Diego (-1) at BUFFALO -- O/U 46.5: Bills 23, Chargers 20.
Pittsburgh (-10) at CINCINNATI -- O/U 37: Steelers 27, Bengals 19.
Baltimore (+2.5) at MIAMI -- O/U 36: Dolphins 22, Ravens 13.
Dallas (-7) at ST LOUIS -- O/U 44: Cowboys 36, Rams 16.
Minnesota (+3.5) at CHICAGO -- O/U 38: Bears 23, Vikings 20.
New Orleans (+3) at CAROLINA -- O/U 44.5: Panthers 24, Saints 17.
San Francisco (+11) at N.Y. GIANTS -- O/U 45.5: Giants 38, 49ers 14.
Detroit (+9.5) at HOUSTON -- O/U 47.5: Lions 23, Texans 21.
N.Y. Jets (+3) at OAKLAND -- O/U 43: Jets 26, Raiders 19.
Cleveland (+7.5) at WASHINGTON -- O/U 42.5: Racists 23, Browns 21.
Indianapolis (-1.5) at GREEN BAY -- O/U 47.5: Colts 30, Packers 23.
Seattle (+11) at TAMPA BAY -- O/U 39: Buccaneers 26, Seahawks 17.
Denver (+3) at NEW ENGLAND -- O/U 46: Broncos 27, Patriots 13.

Lock of the Week: Denver
Trifecta: Denver, New York Giants, Dallas

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Not a good week to be in the NFC East -- let see how T.O. likes having Brad Johnson ignore him for Jason Witten and hand offs.

The Lock saved us, and I would have bet the farm on that one.

Week Six Results:

Straight Up: 9-5

Against The Spread: 6-8

Lock of the Week: 1-0

Trifecta: 0-1

Money Banked: $-40

Season Results:

Straight Up: 57-33

Against The Spread: 37-35-3

Lock of the Week: 3-3

Trifecta: 0-6

Money Count: $-1,180

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Welcome to Week Six of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re distracted by the opening of the hockey season – go Blues!

The Hoser again hovered at the .500 mark, going 7-7 straight up and 6-7-1 against the spread. Tennessee gave us the Lock of the Week, but we blew the Trifecta. Still, the Lock gave us a positive week at +$160. We’ll be sure to buy that Benz we’ve had our eye on.

Congratulations to Dallas CB Adam “Pacman” Jones, who managed to get into a fight with his own security guard at the same time NFL commissioner Roger Goddell was in town to talk with the Cowboys. If they really want to straighten this out, just have Jones square off with Seth Petruzelli.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as renting Adam Sandler’s DVD. Trust us – it should have been called You Needn’t Bother With The Zohan.

Oakland (+7.5) at NEW ORLEANS – O/U 47.5: This week, Reggie Bush will also be selling popcorn and beer while the defense is on the field. Saints 26, Raiders 23.

Baltimore (+4.5) at INDIANAPOLIS – O/U 38.5: The Ravens have named Joe Flacco as their starting QB for the remainder of the season. As opposed to one guy who apparently got the ebola virus and another who is … Kyle Boller. Colts 26, Ravens 10.

Cincinnati (+6) at NEW YORK JETS – O/U 45: If you look up “mismatch” in the dictionary, we assume it gives Ryan Fitzpatrick vs. Brett Favre as the definition. Jets 31, Bengals 21.

Carolina (+1.5) at TAMPA BAY – O/U 37: Are we wrong, or is head coach Jon Gruden younger than every key contributor on his own team? Buccaneers 22, Panthers 17.

Detroit (+13) at MINNESOTA – O/U 46: We appreciate the Vikings being concerned for Gus Frerotte’s health, but we don’t think installing Bouncy Castles in front of all the stadium walls was totally necessary. Vikings 27, Lions 16.

Chicago (-2.5) at ATLANTA – O/U 43.5: Marketing idea – every time the Bears win, the city sets the Chicago River on fire! Bears 27, Falcons 14.

Miami (+3) at HOUSTON – O/U 45: The Dolphins have already doubled their win total from last season. Time to let the Texans get on the board. Texans 24, Dolphins 17.

St. Louis (+14) at WASHINGTON – O/U 44: Hey, Marc Bulger’s back! Racists 33, Rams 14.

Jacksonville (+3) at DENVER – O/U 48.5: Ut oh … the Broncos have a defense! Broncos 24, Jags 20.

Philadelphia (-5) at SAN FRANCISCO – O/U 43: Some Eagles fans reacted badly to quarterback Donovan McNabb’s blog entry about his embarrassment with the team’s play. Other were just surprised some Philly fans can read. Eagles 22, 49ers 20.

Dallas Cowboys (-5) at ARIZONA – O/U 49.5: Cardinals WR Anquan Boldin has a fractured sinus, and there was some question whether he might play this week. Man, we take off work when we get 7-UP bubbles up our nose. Cowboys 31, Cardinals 24.

Green Bay (+2) at SEATTLE – O/U 47: Aaron Rodgers will be ready. Matt Hasselbeck is out. The Seahawks totally blow. Packers 30, Seahawks 13.

New England (+6) at SAN DIEGO – O/U 44.5: Extra credit to any reader who PVRs this game, then sets it to Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin’.” Chargers 24, Patriots 17.

New York Giants (-7.5) at CLEVELAND – O/U 43: Just more than a touchdown? Are the Browns really that much better than Seattle? Giants 33, Browns 17.

Lock of the Week: Green Bay
Trifecta: Green Bay, Chicago, Indianapolis
Over/Under Good Buys: Dallas/Arizona Over

Week Five Results:

Straight Up: 7-7

Against The Spread: 6-7-1

Lock of the Week: 1-0

Trifecta: 0-1

Money Banked: $+160

Season Results:

Straight Up: 46-28

Against The Spread: 31-27-3

Lock of the Week: 2-3

Trifecta: 0-5

Money Count: $-1,140

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Thanks, Mom.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Boy, Martin Grammatica sure was the answer to the Saints' kicking woes, huh?

Week Five Results:

Straight Up: 7-7

Against The Spread: 6-7-1

Lock of the Week: 1-0

Trifecta: 0-1

Money Banked: $+160

Season Results:

Straight Up: 46-28

Against The Spread: 31-27-3

Lock of the Week: 2-3

Trifecta: 0-5

Money Count: $-1,140

Monday, October 06, 2008

Weird week in the NFL -- paging Sage Rosenfels's brain!

We're 7-6 straight up and 6-6-1 against the spread heading into tonight's game. Got the Lock of the Week in Tennessee, but the Chiefs -- ugh. That performance stunk worse than Colin Ferrell looks like he stinks.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Welcome to Week Five of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we simply have no idea where any NFL team is going – except the Rams.

The Hoser stumbled to a 6-7 week against the spread and missed both the Lock of the Week and the Trifecta. We barely made it over .500 straight up, going 7-6. Our percentage is getting dangerously close to Shaq’s free-throw rate.

Not surprisingly, Terrell Owens complained about not getting the ball enough after Dallas lost to Washington last week. This was despite being targeted 20 times. That’s more looks from Tony Romo than Jessica Simpson gets in a nightie. Here’s a thought, TO – try catching more than 50 percent of those.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as not forcing Al Davis to take his meds.

Indianapolis (-3) at HOUSTON – O/U 46: Coming soon to the NFL Network: a gripping telepic on the Texans’ on-again, off-again offense – “The Two Faces of Matt Schaub.” Maybe they can get Michael Gross to star. Colts 24, Texans 23.

Tennessee (-2) at BALTIMORE – O/U 34: There’s going to be less scoring here than at a Star Wars convention. Titans 23, Ravens 14.

San Diego (-6) at MIAMI – O/U 45: All the attention paid to Chargers RB Darren Sproles is paying off. He’s just signed a deal to star in “The Gary Coleman Story.” Chargers 31, Dolphins 21.

Kansas City (+10) at CAROLINA – O/U 38: Herm Edwards has found the prescription – take 30 LJ touches and draw a paycheck for another week. Panthers 21, Chiefs 19.

Washington (+6) at PHILADELPHIA – O/U 42: The Hoser has received several complaints about referring to Washington as “The Racists,” including one who said “redskin” is no longer an offensive term. We suggested he attend the next Native American rally he could find, walk up to the biggest man there and say, “What’s up, Redskin?” He’ll let us know how that turns out. Eagles 26, Racists 23.

Chicago (-3) at DETROIT – O/U 44: Firing Matt Millen isn’t going to make the Lions any better, but it sure is going to make whatever Taco Bell he lands a job at much worse. Bears 27, Lions 17.

Atlanta (+7) at GREEN BAY – O/U 43: Did you know Queen has a new album coming out featuring former Bad Company lead singer Paul Rodgers? That has nothing to do with Aaron Rodgers being hurt, but it’s still pretty cool! Packers 22, Falcons 20.

Seattle (+7) at N.Y. GIANTS – O/U 44: You know injuries have been bad when you’re all hyped up about the return of Deion Branch. Giants 29, Seahawks 16.

Tampa Bay (+3) at DENVER – O/U 48: Every time that “Mike Shanahan is a genius” stuff starts up, do you notice it dies down just as quickly? Buccaneers 28, Broncos 24.

New England (-3) at SAN FRANCISCO – O/U 41: Are you rubbing your eyes and thinking this is some Twilight Zone episode after reading that line? Us too. Patriots 23, 49ers 19.

Buffalo (+1) at ARIZONA – O/U 45: No wonder Kurt Warner doesn’t believe in evolution – he apparently doesn’t have opposable thumbs. Bills 22, Cards 20.

Cincinnati (+17) at DALLAS – O/U 44: Wow. Vegas is right. Cowboys 40, Bengals 20.

Pittsburgh (+3) at JACKSONVILLE 3 – O/U 36: Man, it’s like people don’t think Mewelde Moore is just as good as Willie Parker! Jaguars 17, Steelers 16.

Minnesota (+3) at NEW ORLEANS – O/U 47: No one wants to talk about it, but The Hoser’s pretty sure Deuce McAllister’s return to prominence has to be tied to some voodoo shack in the Quarter. We’ll be watching to see if Deuce tries to eat anyone’s brains. Saints 27, Vikings 20.

Lock of the Week: Tennessee

Trifecta: Tennessee, New Orleans, Kansas City

Over/Under Good Buys: Cincy/Dallas OVER

Week Four Results:

Straight Up: 7-6

Against The Spread: 6-7

Lock of the Week: 0-1

Trifecta: 0-1

Money Banked: $-830

Season Results:

Straight Up: 39-21

Against The Spread: 25-20-2

Lock of the Week: 1-3

Trifecta: 0-4

Money Count: $-1,300

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

We'll miss you, Reg Dunlop.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Welcome to Week Four of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we fell faster than AIG stock.

The Hoser stumbled to a 7-9 week against the spread and missed both the Lock of the Week and (of course) the Trifecta. Going 12-4 straight up is absolutely no consolation, especially considering our friend Jungle Dan picked up nearly $4,000 on the Pro Picks Pool by hitting 15 games.

What’s his secret? Dan had a little late cash come his way and filled out the card on his way to the gas station. He did pick 75% home winners, but which game did he miss, you ask? The freaking Cleveland/Baltimore game. That proves he was almost choosing at random, especially considering he got Miami over New England.

Meanwhile, we here at Hoser Central were deeply saddened by the firing of Lions GM Matt Millen. We can only hope he lands another job – as we have about six months’ worth of material already in the can.

If you have knees and a heart, join The Hoser and his staff in saying a little prayer for Tampa Bay kicker Matt Bryant and his family, who lost their six-month-old son this week. You’re in our thoughts, folks.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as not forcing Al Davis to take his meds.

Denver (-9.5) at KANSAS CITY – O/U 46.5: If Atlanta scored 38 on the Chiefs, how many will the Broncos run up? Too bad we don’t know how to make the infinity sign on this keyboard. Broncos 37, Chiefs 17.

Cleveland (+3) at CINCINNATI – O/U 43.5: Rumour has it former Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Bill Cowher has bought a house in the Cleveland area just in case Romeo Crennel gets canned. Just in case? Bengals 22, Browns 17.

Houston (+7.5) at JACKSONVILLE – O/U 41.5: So, Texans QB Matt Schaub throws three picks and keeps his starting gig? Who’s the back-up there – Garo Yepremian? Jaguars 24, Texans 17.

Arizona (+1.5) at N.Y. JETS – O/U 45: Could someone point out to us in which Jets game New York has looked better than the Cardinals in any of their games? God help us, we might make the Cards the Lock again. Arizona 29, New York Jets 19.

San Francisco (+6) at NEW ORLEANS – O/U 48.5: It boggles the mind to think Detroit fired Mike Martz last year, but kept Matt Millen until this week. That’s from the minds that kept making SUVs when gas went over $2 a gallon. Saints 30, 49ers 27.

Atlanta (+7.5) at CAROLINA – O/U 39.5: We said last week hopefully the Falcons learned the magic rule with two stud RBs and one young QB – two runs for every pass. A quick look at the stats shows Atlanta threw 18 times and ran 36. Someone’s actually listening out there! Panthers 22, Falcons 16.

Minnesota (+3.5) at TENNESSEE – O/U 36.5: Gus Frerotte vs. Kerry Collins. This game is so 1990s, they should have Roxette play the halftime show. Titans 24, Vikings 20.

Green Bay (+1.5) at TAMPA BAY – O/U 42: We don’t want to say Bucs WR Ike Hilliard is old … but he remembers when John McCain actually made sense when he talked. Packers 23, Buccaneers 20.

Buffalo (-8) at ST. LOUIS – O/U 42: Trent Green. Really. Mother*&^*ing Trent Green. Bills 33, Rams 14.

San Diego (-7) at OAKLAND – O/U 45.5: During this constant babble about Raiders head coach Lane Kiffin possibly losing his job, has anyone else kept hearing the Japanese guy from Better Off Dead saying, “Young Lane Myer …” Chargers 27, Raiders 14.

Washington (+11) at DALLAS – O/U 46.5: The Cowboys are the best team in football, and even a fired-up Washington squad will do nothing to stop the D-Train. Still, a late touchdown brings the game in under the line. Cowboys 31, Racists 21.

Philadelphia (-3) at CHICAGO – O/U 40.5: Word has leaked on why the Eagles are playing so well. Head coach Andy Reid has threatened to make his team wear those godawful periwinkle and yellow throwback jerseys again if they don’t put out. Eagles 23, Bears 17.

Baltimore (+5.5) at PITTSBURGH – O/U 34.5: Poor Ben Roethlisberger. Jenna Jameson never took a pounding that long and hard. Steelers 20, Ravens 17.

Lock of the Week: Denver

Trifecta: Denver, Buffalo, Arizona

Over/Under Good Buys: Buffalo/St. Louis OVER

Week Three Results:

Straight Up: 12-4

Against The Spread: 7-9

Lock of the Week: 0-1

Trifecta: 0-1

Money Banked: $-660

Season Results:

Straight Up: 32-15

Against The Spread: 25-20-2

Lock of the Week: 1-2

Trifecta: 1-2

Money Count: $-470

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Our bad on the Monday Night game -- we had to hurry home for Taco Night on Friday (shut up!).

The Hoser likes the Chargers to win the game handily. Mighty-mite Darren Sproles is a great change-of-pace for LT, and even if Tomlinson is limited, he and a hot Philip Rivers will be enough to take more of the magic out of Brett on Broadway.

Still, we smell a late touchdown in this one to bring it under the line. Chargers 29, Jets 21.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Welcome to Week Three of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where our focus makes Paula Abdul look like Garry Kasparov.

A lapse in concentration cost us a huge week. We spent three days trumpeting Arizona again to our friends – and for some reason we instead put Atlanta down as our Lock of the Week and in the Trifecta. That simple gaffe wiped out a monster 10-3-2 ATS effort to go with an 11-4 straight up performance.

Still, we pocketed $150 (instead of $1,050 – argh!) and through the first two weeks, we’re up $190. We’re not breaking the bank, but we’re not looking like the Lehman Brothers, either.

What is with the proliferation of bad quarterbacking this season? Not only do you have old guys popping up everywhere, but even some of the young bucks are stinking it up. Carson Palmer, are you listening? We’d bet the Bengal front office is looking for Akili Smith’s phone number right about now.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Al Davis speak at your workplace about job security.

Kansas City (+5.5) at ATLANTA – O/U 36: Matt Ryan vs. Tyler Thigpen. Man, that’ll put the butts in the seats! Maybe Atlanta’s learned to run twice for every pass attempt. Falcons 23, Chiefs 14.

Oakland (+9) at BUFFALO – O/U 37:
Justin Fargas finally looks like he’s going to shine for the Raiders, and then he injures his groin again. Forget “Huggy Bear Jr.” – dude just needs a hug. Bills 22, Raiders 17.

Houston (+5.5) at TENNESSEE – O/U 38.5: Didn’t anyone in the Texans’ organization consider they might want to make the new stadium just slightly hurricane resistant? Where was that blueprint drawn up – Haiti? Titans 21, Texans 17.

Cincinnati (+13) at N.Y. GIANTS – O/U 41.5: This line looks way too big until we consider a) the Giants beats the Rams last week by 28, and b) The Bengals suck almost as badly as the Rams. Giants 34, Bengals 17.

Arizona (+3) at WASHINGTON – O/U 42:
There is a downside to Kurt Warner’s resurgence – Matt Leinart may now have time to impregnate the entire Arizona State University women’s basketball team. Cardinals 30, Racist Jerks 17.

Miami (+13) at NEW ENGLAND – O/U 35.5: Dolphins receiver Ted Ginn Jr., will finally show up this week – on the back of Miami-area milk cartons. Patriots 29, Dolphins 17.

Tampa Bay (+3.5) at CHICAGO – O/U 35.5: We love Da Bears, but when Brandon Lloyd is your top option at wideout, you’re in for a longgggg season. Bears 20, Bucs 17.

Carolina (+3) at MINNESOTA – O/U 37:
We’d have to think Viking fans can’t be too thrilled about the Tarvaris Jackson experiment ending only to see Gus Frerotte trot out to take his place. That’s like replacing Charles Nelson Reilly with Jm J. Bullock. Panthers 20, Vikings 14.

St. Louis (+9) at SEATTLE – O/U 44: The Seahawks signed Koren Robinson and traded for Keary Colbert this week to shore up their wide receiving corps. Couldn’t they find better hands down at Pike Place Fish Market? Seahawks 29, Rams 22.

Detroit (+4.5) at SAN FRANCISCO – O/U 46: A 12-year-old Lions fan approaches Matt Millen at a game and says, "I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw you and your wife doing it. Nyah, nyah, nyah!" Millen answers, "The joke's on you, kid – I wasn't even home last night!" 49ers 23, Lions 20.

New Orleans (+5) at DENVER – O/U 51: This contest should be listed as “New Orleans at Enver,” because there’s no “D” to be found. Broncos 30, Saints 22.

Pittsburgh (+3) at PHILADELPHIA – O/U 45.5: When he gets married, do you think DeSean Jackson will drop his wife right outside the honeymoon suite door? Eagles 28, Steelers 24.

Jacksonville (+6) at INDIANAPOLIS – O/U 41.5: The Colts won last week with a grand total of 25 rushing yards. They might only need 20 this week. Colts 30, Jaguars 17.

Cleveland (+2) at BALTIMORE – O/U 39: Can we officially change the cliché to “soft as Donte Stallworth”? This guy plays about as often as a Village People 8-track. Ravens 19, Browns 16.

Dallas (-3) at GREEN BAY – O/U 52: Cowboys WR Terrell Owens said last week he and Eagles QB Donovan McNabb didn’t get along in Philly because McNabb was jealous of TO’s popularity. Yeah, we’re sure it had nothing to do with Owens being a self-centered douchebag. Cowboys 30, Packers 26.

Lock of the Week: Arizona

Trifecta: Arizona, Indianapolis, New York Giants

Over/Under Good Buys: Cleveland/Baltimore UNDER, Jacksonville/Indianapolis OVER

Week Two Results:

Straight Up: 11-4

Against The Spread: 10-3-2

Lock of the Week: 0-1

Trifecta: 0-1

Money Banked: $+150

Season Results:

Straight Up: 20-11

Against The Spread: 18-11-2

Lock of the Week: 1-1

Trifecta: 1-1

Money Banked: $+190

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Wanted: responsible adult to check The Hoser's Lock of the Week and Trifecta picks. Qualifications include being literate, patient and willing to smack a grown man upside his head when he types "Atlanta" when he means "Arizona". Pay will be 25% of all winnings saved.

Amazingly, despite telling everyone I knew that Arizona would have it easy against the Dolphins, for some reason I put Atlanta in my lock and triple. And of course, it was one of the three games I missed this week.


Week Two Results:

Straight Up: 11-4

Against The Spread: 10-3-2

Lock of the Week: 0-1

Trifecta: 0-1

Money Banked: $+150

Season Results:

Straight Up: 20-11

Against The Spread: 18-11-2

Lock of the Week: 1-1

Trifecta: 1-1

Money Banked: $+190

Friday, September 12, 2008

Welcome to Week Two of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where like a major political candidate, we’re right down the middle.

The Hoser kicked off the season with a pretty milquetoast week – 8-8 ATS and 9-7 SU. We did manage to hit the Lock of the Week, which may be the first time we’ve ever actually called an Arizona game correctly. Through the first 16 games, we’re up an astounding $40.

All this noise about Tennessee Titans QB Vince Young supposedly being distraught and suicidal when he says he was eating chicken wings at a friend’s house – it has to be taken seriously, but we think there’s more being made of nothing here than the last two Matrix scripts.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having a Project Runway winner design your alternate uniforms.

Oakland (+3.5) at KANSAS CITY – O/U 36: The amazing thing about this line is someone is expected to score. Raiders 19, Chiefs 17.

Cincinnati (-1) at TENNESSEE – O/U 37.5: You know your team really sucks when you’re barely favoured against Kerry Collins. Titans 22, Bengals 20.

Indianapolis (-2) at MINNESOTA – O/U 43.5: To paraphrase Mark Twain, rumours of Tarvaris Jackson’s quarterbacking growth have been greatly overexaggerated. Colts 26, Vikings 17.

New Orleans (PK) at WASHINGTON – O/U 42.5: New head coach Jim Zorn may not know how to run a two-minute drill, but he can sure do impressions. It was uncanny how much his expression looked like Stephen Rea’s in The Crying Game when Jude opened the kimono. Saints 27, Yes Your Name Is Offensive 13.

Green Bay (-3) at DETROIT – O/U 45.5: With Aaron Rodgers’s solid debut, the Packers look to already be in midseason form. Of course, so do the Lions. Packers 33, Lions 16.

Chicago (+3) at CAROLINA - O/U 37: Is it fair to say Matt Forte in one game last week did more as a Bears running back than all other Bears RB draft picks combined in the last 10 years? Panthers 26, Bears 14.

N.Y. Giants (-8) at ST. LOUIS – O/U 42: Can the Rams be penalized 15 yards every play for impersonating a professional football team? Giants 33, Rams 10.

San Francisco (+7) at SEATTLE – O/U 38: If that infraction did exist, there’d be offsetting penalties on every down in this game. Seahawks 22, 49ers 17.

Buffalo (+5.5) at JACKSONVILLE – O/U 37: We don’t think there’ll be any better sight in the NFL this season than Kevin Everett walking out onto the turf at Ralph Wilson Stadium. Bills 21, Jags 20.

Atlanta (+7.5) at TAMPA BAY – O/U 38: The Bucs favoured by more than a touchdown? Man, even Bob Griese couldn’t make Tampa Bay that good. Falcons 24, Buccaneers 19.

Miami (+6.5) at ARIZONA – O/U 39: A check with Biblical scholars tells us Arizona opening the season 2-0 is the fifth Sign of the Apocalypse. The fourth was that “Caveman” TV show. Cardinals 30, Dolphins 17.

New England (+2.5) at N.Y. JETS – O/U 37.5: What kind of odds during the offseason would you have gotten on the starting QBs in this game being Brett Favre and Matt Cassel? And then saying Cassel would win? Patriots 23, Jets 21.

San Diego (-1) at DENVER – O/U 45.5: It’s amazing how awe-inspiring a team can look when it opens its season against the Raiders, isn’t it? Chargers 29, Broncos 23.

Pittsburgh (-6) at CLEVELAND – O/U 44.5: “Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo Crennel?” Try the breadline in about three weeks. Steelers 29, Browns 20.

Baltimore (+4) at HOUSTON – O/U 37.5: Unless Hurricane Ike blew in a new offensive scheme, take the underdog. Ravens 20, Texans 17.

Philadelphia (+7) at DALLAS – O/U 47: Easily the Game of the Week. Andy Reid seems to have the Cowboys’ number – too bad we don’t have Jessica Simpson’s. Cowboys 29, Eagles 27.

Lock of the Week: Atlanta
Trifecta: N.Y. Giants, Atlanta, Green Bay
Over/Under Good Buys: Dallas/Philly Over

Week One Results:
Straight Up: 9-7
Against The Spread: 8-8
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money Banked: $+40

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Week One results:

Straight Up: 9-7

Against The Spread: 8-8

Lock of the Week: 1-0

Trifecta: 0-1

Total Money: $+40

Have we ever been in the positive in any time in the history of The Hoser? Why, that's almost a six-pack at The Beer Store!

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Welcome to Week One of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where like a masochist with a wad of twenties, we’re back for more punishment.

The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Part of our last season crashed and burned, but our records show The Hoser was 113-102-9 ATS, 145-79 SU, 4-9 on the Lock and 1-12 for the Trifecta. We managed to lose nearly $4K during the season, but the postseason helped us out.

All of that leads us to this final sentence, a version of which you’ll see every week:

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Tatum Bell pick up your luggage at the airport.

Washington (+4) at NY GIANTS – O/U 41: With the retirement of Michael Strahan this offseason and the loss of Osi Umenyiora in the preseason, the Giants now have a bigger gap in their D-Line than the one in Strahan’s mouth. Still, New York has enough to turn back these racists. Giants 23, God Just Change Your Name Alreadys 16.

Cincinnati (-1) at BALTIMORE – O/U 39.5: Our understanding is that Ravens’ quarterbacks coach Hue Jackson is about to be fired in favour of Dr. Gregory House. At least Troy Smith gets unlimited ice cream. Bengals 22, Ravens 13.

N.Y. Jets (-3) at MIAMI – O/U 36: All hail the new God, the savior of the franchise, the man you long-suffering fans have been clamoring for … Chad Pennington! Dolphins 26, Jets 24.

NEW ENGLAND (-16.5) at Kansas City – O/U 46: More than two touchdowns in a season opener with a possibly banged-up Tom Brady under centre? Hey, have you looked at the Chiefs’ roster? Patriots 37, Chiefs 17.

Houston (+7) at PITTSBURGH – O/U 43.5: Every year, hope springs anew for fans in the Houston area … and then the Texans are forced to actually start playing. Steelers 26, Houston 20.

Jacksonville (-3) at TENNESSEE – O/U 37.5: Nothing funny here – just say a prayer for Jags OT Richard Collier. Jaguars 29, Titans 13.

Detroit (-3) at ATLANTA – O/U 41: Can we safely stop coming up with Matt Millen jokes and start working on some Michael Vick material? Lions 27, Falcons 17.

Seattle (PK) at BUFFALO – O/U 39: Did the same panel that helped John McCain select his VP choice Sarah Palin also advise the Seahawks on their receiving corps for this season? Bills 20, Seahawks 17.

Tampa Bay (+3.5) at NEW ORLEANS – O/U 42.5: Our thoughts are with everyone down in the Gulf Coast this week – and our middle fingers are up for the Bucs’ front-office staff. Why the hell did it take this long to release Chris Simms? Saints 27, Bucs 19.

St. Louis (+7.5) at PHILADELPHIA – O/U 44.5: Odds on the Eagles covering – very good. Odds on Donovan McNabb actually playing a full season – very bad. Eagles 29, Rams 17.

Dallas (-5) at CLEVELAND – O/U 49: This game will be like an old man wearing Crocs at the mall – there’s just no defense. Cowboys 34, Browns 23.

Carolina (+9) at SAN DIEGO – O/U 42: We went looking for a joke about Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman’s two torn knee ligaments and instead found videos of amputees in bikinis. Explain yourself, Google! Chargers 24, Panthers 22.

Arizona (-2.5) at SAN FRANCISCO – O/U 42: J.T. O’Sullivan? Seriously? Cardinals 31, 49ers 13.

INDIANAPOLIS (-9.5) at Chicago – O/U 44.5: The good news – Peyton Manning will play. The bad news – so will one of the Bears’ quarterbacks. Colts 30, Bears 16.

GREEN BAY (-3) at Minnesota – O/U 38.5: We love new Packer QB Aaron Rodgers, but talk about a tough gig. This is like following Ron Jeremy on set. Vikings 22, Packers 20.

Denver (-3) at OAKLAND – O/U 41.5: Raiders wideout Javon Walker has repeatedly spoken of quitting football during training camp and now has a hamstring pull … and he’s Oakland’s No. 1 receiver! God we love Al Davis! Broncos 26, Raiders 19.

Lock of the Week: Arizona

Trifecta: Arizona, Jacksonville, Detroit

Over/Under Good Buys: Dolphins/Jets Over

Saturday, August 23, 2008

This is a photo supposedly taken outside a Wal-Mart in Alabama. See if you notice the interesting feature of this redneck tanktop:


If you haven't caught it yet, look at the bottom strap. Yes, that says "Hanes" -- it's a pair of men's underwear. Hey, cheaper than shirts!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

China claims the bronze in the men's trampoline with easily the greatest name in Olympic history.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Unlike my wife, who has been glued to the television in hopes of hearing Bob Costas screw up (it's a Canadian thing, apparently), I have only intermittently been watching what I have termed the 2008 Global Ignore Human Right Violations Fest in Beijing.

I have to hand it to the Chinese, though -- they have done a wonderful job with just unlimited funds, absolute control of the people and a blind eye from the rest of the world.

A nice set-up if you can get it.

On the sporting front, I have marveled at American Michael Phelps, who has not so much raced as destroyed his competition in the pool. He's a bit cocky (okay, more than a bit), but as Dizzy Dean once said, "It ain't bragging if you can back it up."

What I don't grasp is the 400-metre individual medley. Why on earth are people still doing the breaststroke, the backstroke and the butterfly? Isn't the point to go as fast as possible?

I mean, does anyone fall out of a boat and think, "Oh my God, I'll have to swim for it!" -- and then starting breaststroking madly?

I would liken it to putting Tyson Gay and the fastest men in the world on a track and then having a 400-metre race where the first 100 metres you skipped, the second 100 you ran backwards, the third 100 you crabwalked and finally got up and ran like hell for the final 100 metres.

Does that make sense?

I'll check in again in a day or two, or after I've had my fill of the NBC commentators trying to make men's basketball not seem like the ridiculous cakewake it will be.

Other notes:

* There's something fascinating about badminton. I think it has to do with how slowly the shuttlecock travels despite the tremendous amount of energy put into to smashing it back and forth. Nearly every shot is reachable, which translates into long rallies -- something I sorely miss in tennis.
* There's also something fascinating about the uniforms worn by female beach volleyball players, but I probably shouldn't discuss it any further.
* I rooted for the Chinese in the men's team gymnastics Monday night. I think collectively they might be the greatest group of athletes in the world, and not just because they seem to be able to withstand banging their junk on various pieces of equipment for long stretches at a time.
* What the hell is wrong with people in Cialis commercials? Does having an erection also make you monumentally stupid (don't answer that, ladies)?

In the current spot, a man and a woman run around a house shutting off an overflowing bathtub, letting out a barking dog, flailing in a submerged front yard and pulling a burnt turkey out of a smoking oven. All that happened at once while you were thinking about having sex? Why were you running a bath at the same time a turkey dinner was about to be finished?

Seriously, they should just take my advice for their ads and take advantage of the double entendre in their brand.

"Need an erection? Cialis."

Friday, July 04, 2008

Edmonton Oilers general manager Kevin Lowe finally fired back at Anaheim Ducks GM (and supposedly soon GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs) Brian Burke.

Read the linked article, and I'll post my thoughts tomorrow.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Houston Astros pitcher Shawn Chacon has been suspended indefinitely following a physical altercation with Astros GM Ed Wade.

You can read the story yourself, but check out this quote from Houston owner Drayton McLane:

"If you shoved a policeman down or any other public servant, can you imagine shoving a principal in a school? It was in full view of several players. Players pulled Chacon and restrained him. There’s absolutely no way. You can’t defy authority. Even if he disagreed with what they wanted him to do, he should have had the courage to sit down and talk to him."

Really, Drayton? You're equating Ed Wade with a policeman? Someone who puts his or her life on the line for public service? Or a principal? Someone who has devoted his or her life to the betterment of children? You're saying the general manager of a baseball team falls in the same category?

Drayton, it sounds like you have a general manager who sucks at handling players, and decided he wanted to play the big man and curse out another grown man in front of everyone else.

I'm not backing Chacon here. He should have gone into the manager's office to discuss whatever needed to be discussed. But Wade just as easily could have turned his back, gone upstairs and cut Chacon loose -- he had already been insubordinate. Instead, Wade pressed the issue and he got dumped on his ass.

One more thing. I hate it when people say you can't defy authority. Bullshit. You can do whatever the hell you like if you a) believe in your own position enough and b) are willing to accept the consequences.

Sounds to me like Chacon is just fine with the outcome.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

God love the Barenaked Ladies. This is the first video release off their new children's album, Snacktime. I suggest you rush out forthwith to pick it up, lest your kids hold against you in your old age.

Friday, June 06, 2008

A nationwide furor has erupted over the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation apparently making plans to find a new theme song for Hockey Night In Canada.

Some people are really going overboard in their reaction, calling songwriter Dolores Claman's creation a second national anthem and the CBC traitors. The network has every right to find a new theme if it feels it's being gouged by the rights holders.

However, according to those who hold the copyright to the song, the theme was offered to the CBC at exactly the same price they've been paying in the past -- $500 per usage. However, the CBC insulted them by offering to buy the rights outright at about one-third the value (admittedly, the value assigned by the current rights holders).

Also, CBC Sports executive director Scott Moore is apparently an idiot. Quoted from the linked article:

Example #1:

Mr. Moore said the song is worth less than the rights holders believe because its value is drawn almost entirely from its association with Hockey Night in Canada.

Yes, but you're airing HNIC, which means when you buy it, it will be worth a ton. Anyone else, maybe not. You, a gold mine.

Example #2:

But a bigger stumbling block, Mr. Moore noted, is the ongoing lawsuit Ms. Claman and Mr. Ciccone's firm filed against the CBC in late 2004. The plaintiffs argue the network was using the song beyond the scope of the contract.

“You wouldn't do business with someone who's suing you. So we've offered many different ways to settle that litigation,” he said.

Except that the CBC has already said it made an offer to buy the song. So, in other words, you were attempting to business with the rights holders, and now the optics are that you made a crappy offer, ticked off the other side and are backpedaling like crazy.

I also know I have the option to buy that song as a ringtone. If the rights holders are suing partially for that reason, I think I can figure out who's pocketing the profits.

Pay the nice people, Scott, and make the bad publicity go away.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Sharon Stone is asking, "Was the China quake karma?"

The rest of us are asking, "Sharon Stone's still alive?"

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Gotta love the people defending Hillary Clinton on this one.

"Hey, why should I drop out of the race? People get shot, you know!"

Your candidate is a mean-spirited bitch.

Friday, May 23, 2008

I've been asked by nearly all our store's customers who I like in the Stanley Cup Finals starting this week. Considering I had Montreal and San Jose in the Finals at the start of the season, I don't why my opinion would be worth a moldy octopus, but here it is anyway:

Detroit in five.

It hurts me to say that. I grew up in St. Louis cheering for the Blues and hating the Red Wings (many Blues fans hate the Blackhawks, but how can you do anything but pity them? Same thing goes for the Cubs), but Detroit simply has too much firepower for a mediocre Penguins defense.

The reverse isn't true. Pittsburgh has tons of offensive talent, but the Wings can counter with the best defense in the league. As for Marc-Andre Fleury, his coming out party continues, but there will be just too many breakaways and shots from close in for him to do enough.

Next year, Pens fans, next year.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

My wife and I were just watching the Democratic presidential primary coverage on CNN, which is only tolerable due to the presence of Anderson Cooper. I find him strong in the two areas I think are most important in a news show host.

First, he's knowledgeable. I don't know whether the man stays up till the wee hours doing his homework or he just absorbs it like a politician absorbs free lobbyist lunches, but Cooper's rarely caught flatfooted.

Second, he's funny. On the rare occasions Cooper is off the mark, he freely admits it and then is quick to poke a little fun at himself. I suppose you could say he takes the job seriously, but doesn't take the job seriously.

I know he also was involved in something called "The Mole", but I have tried to avoid looking into it.

This evening, as the Indiana primary ground to a close, the entire CNN crew was fretting over the slow release of vote totals from Lake County. That area contains Gary, IN, and Hammond, IN, and held the possibility of changing the outcome of the election.

While every other county in the state had reported a sizable chunk of its totals, Lake County had failed to announce anything. Not a sausage.

So while John King, Wolf Blitzer and everyone else did their best to speculate, guess and not-so-guardedly hint at nefarious doings as the reason for the lack of information, some smart cookie got Tom McDermott in a Chicago studio. McDermott is the mayor of Hammond, and he reported that his city's totals had been turned in to Lake County by 7:30 p.m., and, when asked by King, that he had no idea what was taking so long.

In fact, McDermott said (and I'm paraphrasing here, but the words are close):

"I'm not in charge of the dissemination of information by Lake County. All I can do is turn in the results to the county and wait."

McDermott then added he did know Clinton won his city, along with a number of other towns in the area.

When this exchange ended, Blitzer then jumped in with a brilliant question, asking what was taking so long in Lake County. I can only assume Blitzer was either lost in thought at the monumental ridiculousness of his own name.

As I write this, I do not know the outcome of the election, although I think Clinton will hold on for a very narrow victory. Of course, none of this really matters, because 1) Democratic delegates are awarded by the margin of victory, not as a winner-take-all proposition, and 2) Clinton is toast anyway.

Props to King for working that awesome map -- and for the quote of the night in reference to the possibility of Lake County reporting 100% of its vote at once:

"Sometimes you just get a big dump."

Otherwise known as "The Larry King Show."

Saturday, April 26, 2008

You can scan through this blog's archives to see my history with our friends at Canadian Tire. It was enough to get me linked onto the CBC Marketplace web site after they did a story on CT "money".

Apparently, my wife didn't think it necessary to quit shopping at Canadian Tire. She doesn't make a habit of it, but I now have an ally in my own house. Here's her story.

This week, my wife went to the CT in Richmond Hill (the same one where I had my fun). A friend of hers is getting married and the couple is registered at Canadian Tire, among other places.

Because she was already in the same plaza, Michelle went in with our two-year-old in tow to look on the registry computer and purchase a wedding gift. Unfortunately, the free-standing computer terminal was down -- it happens.

So she and my daughter head to the customer service desk, where there are several people standing around talking and four or five computer terminals. My wife tells one of the clerks the registry is down and asks if they could look online for her.

She's told no.

A little taken aback, Michelle asks why the clerk can't do this for her and is told she'll have to do it from home. No explanation of why the clerk can't do it, just that she won't. My wife points out she has a child with her and it would make things much easier if the clerk could help her out, and the clerk refused again.

So my wife left, came home, found another store where the couple had registered and later bought a gift for around $125 -- $125 CT could have easily had if the employee had done her job.

Congrats, CT -- two down and around 32 million to go!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Wow. This just makes me really glad for the internet.

Monday, March 31, 2008

I stopped by my bank (TD Canada Trust) on my way home this evening to make a deposit. I have a business account, and when I entered, there was one person in front of me aside from the woman at the window.

Ten minutes later, there were two more people behind me still waiting for the woman to finish up. In addition, there was a grand total of two tellers at the personal windows -- and 16 people waiting in line.

There are two distinct factors at work here:

1) TD needs to put more people on, simple as that. I place no blame whatsoever at the feet of the employees. They worked quickly and were friendly, despite the understandably unfriendly attitudes of the customers who had been waiting for 10-15 minutes.

2) TD needs to take up my idea from an earlier post and start charging people for the amount of time it takes them to do their banking. That one woman -- who appeared to be cashing in several years' worth of change and depositing it in multiple accounts -- took up minutes of not only the teller's time, but also all of us standing there behind her.

Get your house in order before you come to the bank, people -- it's not just your time. And if you don't, you'll pay for it.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Now you tell me why you don't believe in the death penalty.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

According to this morning's Toronto Star, Leafs head coach Paul Maurice plans to continue running goalie Vesa Toskala in the ground. Maurice says Toskala's play has earned him the starts and that right now, the Iron Horse will be "playing important games right till the end."

First off, Maurice should be tipped off by someone that the Leafs stopped playing important games when they lost two in a row to the Devils last week. It's over, and to not accept that is to waste the opportunity to get Andrew Raycroft some work.

Why work Raycroft? Well, suppose Raycroft actually shows something down the stretch, a little spark of his former self. Now, instead of having to buy out his contract, perhaps you can get something for him -- not much, to be sure, but even a sixth-round pick would be better than the buyout.

And if Raycroft doesn't play well, does it matter? It just means the Leafs get a better draft position for next season.

As for Toskala, what good does it do Toronto to continue to run him out? Will Vesa be able to win them every game? Not with this roster -- that's been painfully clear all season. Playing him constantly could get him injured, and wouldn't that be terrific -- have your new No. 1 tear a knee ligament and have to go through an offseason of rehabilitation?

Do the right thing, Paul -- get Razor in the pipes.

I spent much of yesterday being beaten about the face and ears by CNN with the news of New York governor Eliot Spitzer's alleged involvement in a prostitution ring. Seriously, it was like the guy had stolen an election or something.

My wife seemed most shocked that Spitzer had gone to the trouble of having his favourite hooker brought in to Washington, D.C., from New York City. I explained it for her, though.

I mean, have you ever seen the prostitutes in the nation's capital? They make Aileen Wournos look like Charlize Theron. I worked in Washington for a few weeks, and I had all my hookers flown in from Atlanta.

There's no way Spitzer will ever get his political career back on track, either. I could never trust him after his choice of alias at The Mayflower Hotel. I mean, I don't love George Fox or anything, but how could any male New York voter put his faith in Spitzer when he passed up the chance to use Heywood Jablowme, Dick Fitzwell or Wolf Blitzer is beyond me.

Monday, March 10, 2008

I finally became a permanent resident of Canada last week. Oddly enough, after all the incorrect information, misdirection and flat-out incompetence we received, the final step was handled beautifully.

We were given a date to appear at Immigration. We showed up about a half-hour ahead of our appointment and had to sit on the floor. I wasn't sure what to expect -- waterboarding? The secret Canadian handshake?

Instead, my wife and I were called to a small window (pretty much the same as you'd pay your hydro bill), asked a couple of questions and given congratulations. The process took all of 10 minutes, and then we were directed to another window to register for my Social Insurance number. The woman there had some real difficulties in spelling my mother's maiden name, but then, so does everyone else.

I don't feel any differently now that I'm all legal, but I guess I'll have to continue shedding my American ways.

I've already called the local smelter about melting down my hand guns.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I hate these people.


Tuesday, January 22, 2008

I wasn't in the area when The Aud was the home of the Buffalo Sabres, but from talking with people who did attend games there, it sounds much like the Checkerdome in St. Louis -- ugly, loud, somewhat fan-unfriendly, and the best place in the world to see a hockey game.

Nicholas Battaglia and his mysterious friend, "The Truck", have started up The Aud Club, which has some recent pictures of what remains of the building. It's sad, and maybe even sadder The Aud will be replaced by a Bass Pro Shop.

What is it with cities letting these old arenas and stadiums go to pot? Maple Leaf Gardens is a mess and has been rumoured to be in transition to everything from a Loblaw's grocery store to John Ferguson Jr.'s sarcophagus (okay, I made that one up). Tiger Stadium in Detroit has been flooded at times and left to rot.

At least the Tigers auctioned off some of the contents, although I missed a chance at getting some of the stuff. I attended quite a few games there and don't think I've ever been so impressed at my first sight of a field. Walking down the tunnel into the field box seats and seeing the outfield grass at the stadium -- especially considering how dingy the remainder of the place was -- took your breath away.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

After going 3-1 both straight up and against the spread, plus nailing our Lock of the Week, The Hoser is feeling pretty cocky -- but not cocky enough to take what looks like to him to be all four road teams covering the spread in the Divisional Playoffs week.

That couldn't happen, could it?

Seattle (+7.5) at GREEN BAY -- O/U 43: The half-point frightens us. So does the strength of the Seahawks' finish. Packers 23, Seahawks 19.

Jacksonville (+13.5) at NEW ENGLAND -- O/U 50: After going on the road to stop the Steelers week, this is the love the Jags get? A strong running attack and a little New England rust will keep this less than two TDs. Patriots 27, Jaguars 20.

San Diego (+9) at INDIANAPOLIS -- O/U 45.5: Even with Antonio Gates on the sideline, the Chargers will find a way to make this a tight game. Hell, they might even win it. Too bad the Chargers aren't in the NFC, or they'd be headed for the Super Bowl. Colts 26, Chargers 21.

NY Giants (+7.5) at DALLAS -- O/U 46.5: Plaxico's questionable, Madison is doubtful and Dockery is out. That's just too many injuries for the Giants to take the next step. Cowboys 30, Giants 20.

Lock of the Week: Jacksonville

Friday, January 04, 2008

Washington (+3) at SEATTLE O/U 40: Clinton Portis was talking in the Redskin locker room this week about wide receiver Santana Moss being faster after getting circumsized recently. We don't know about that, but we're pretty sure it'll be Washington getting clipped this week. Seahawks 24, Redskins 17.

Jacksonville (-3) at PITTSBURGH O/U 40:
Yes, we know it's in Steeler country. We also know no Willie Parker and a banged-up Big Ben means the end of Pittsburgh's season. Jaguars 23, Steelers 19.

New York Giants (+3) at TAMPA BAY O/U 39.5:
We're not completely sold on the Buccaneers, but we're completely divested of any thought of Eli Manning leading his team anywhere except the golf course. Buccaneers 22, Giants 20.

Tennessee (+10) at SAN DIEGO O/U 39.5: Questionable Vince Young, no Bo Scaife. Even Norv Turner can't cock this one up. Chargers 30, Titans 17.

Lock of the Week: Seattle