Friday, December 11, 2009

Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Picks 2009 Week 14, where we’ll be doing our Christmas shopping wherever Falcons defensive tackle Jonathan Babineaux pick up his one-and-a-half ounce goodie bag.

The Hoser was above .500 again at 9-7 both against the spread and straight up, but the Saints struggling against Washington cost us both our Lock and the Trifecta. We’re still up for the year, but the run of Locks is over and this week, it doesn’t look much better.

New England head coach Bill Belichick sent four players home Wednesday after they were late for an 8 a.m. meeting. Linebacker Adalius Thomas said, “You can't run people over getting to work, so there ain't nothing to really apologize (for).” Apparently, he never caught a ride with Randy Moss.

In other tangentially sports-related news, Tiger and Elin Woods are now rumoured to be moving to a private island in Scandinavia to get away from the publicity. Real reason – Ekin doesn’t know it, but the Swedish Bikini Team’s training facilities are on the next island over.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as turning your back on Flozell Adams.

Pittsburgh (-10) at CLEVELAND [33]: There could be less scoring here than in the Woods compound this weekend. Steelers 19, Browns 10.

Denver (+7) at INDIANAPOLIS [44]: Indianapolis has struggled early in games all season. That’ll keep this one tight enough until the end to let the Broncos cover. Colts 26, Broncos 21.

Cincinnati (+6.5) at MINNESOTA [43]: So apparently all you have to stop the Vikings is shut down Adrian Peterson. And all you have to do solve the world’s energy problems is create cold fusion. Vikings 24, Bengals 20.

NY Jets (-3) at TAMPA BAY [37]: Somewhere, “Ice Road Truckers” is on. Go find it. Jets 20, Buccaneers 14.

Buffalo (PK) at KANSAS CITY [37]: Ryan Fitzpatrick vs. Matt Cassel. Not exactly Montana vs. Marino, is it? Bills 21, Chiefs 17.

Green Bay (-3) at CHICAGO [41]: Officials have now announced the reason the Salahis were able to sneak into a White House dinner – the Secret Service hired off-duty Green Bay offensive linemen as security. Packers 23, Bears 17.

New Orleans (-10.5) at ATLANTA [50]: That wasn’t a bullet the Saints dodged last week – it was an ICBM. It won’t be so rough this week. Saints 30, Falcons 20.

Detroit (+13.5) at BALTIMORE [40]: In their last three games, the Ravens have faced Indianapolis, Pittsburgh and Green Bay. Welcome then, Baltimore, to what is known as your “informal bye week.” Ravens 26, Lions 16.

Miami (+3) at JACKSONVILLE [44]: The Jaguars are 7-5 despite being outscored 225-273 this season. Go ahead and make that Scooby-Doo “UhhHH?!?” noise – we did. (And yes, Scooby-Doo is hyphenated. We checked.) Jaguars 23, Dolphins 21.

Carolina (+13.5) at NEW ENGLAND [44]: The Panthers are saying Matt Moore is starting at quarterback because of Jake Delhomme’s finger. That’s only because it’s considered rude to list Delhomme as “Questionable: Sucks Ass” on the injury report. Patriots 27, Panthers 16.

Seattle (+6) at HOUSTON [44.5]: This doesn’t have anything to do with the game, but are people still buying their daughters Bratz dolls for Christmas? Seriously? “Hey, hun, play with these little training whores!” Texans 27, Seahawks 20.

St. Louis (+13) at TENNESSEE [41]: There is some good news for the Rams … actually, no, there isn’t. We were hoping we’d think of something before the end of this sentence. Titans 27, Rams 16.

Washington (-1) at OAKLAND [37.5]: Who’s having the tougher time getting a win in the nation’s capital these days – the football team or Obama? Amiright? Raiders 22, Racists 20.

San Diego (+3) at DALLAS [48.5]: Did you know the Cowboys are 15-27 in December since 2000? We bet Jerry Jones knows, and he’ll be sure to tell Wade Phillips when he cans him at the end of the season. Chargers 30, Cowboys 23.

Philadelphia (+1) at NY GIANTS [44.5]: Swear to God, if you click to the Eagles’ home page from right now, they have an intro using the same music Spongebob Squarepants uses for Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy episodes. Don’t ask how we know that. Eagles 24, Giants 21.

Arizona (-3.5) at SAN FRANCISCO [44.5]: Is there some reason Brett Favre gets all the love he does and Kurt Warner gets little to no attention? Who has the better story, and which one is not a self-absorbed prima donna? Cardinals 27, 49ers 17.

Lock of the Week: San Diego
Trifecta: New York Jets, San Diego, Arizona

2009 Week 13 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 9-7
Against The Spread: 9-7
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-470

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 136-55
Against The Spread: 104-86-2
Lock of the Week: 7-6
Trifecta: 3-10
Money: $+1,990

2009 Week 10 Money Spent: $0
2009 Week 10 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $215
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-15

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

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