Thursday, September 24, 2009

Welcome to Week Three of the 2009 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where like 38 Special, we’re back where we belong.

After a solid first week, The Hoser stumbled to 9-7 straight up and 7-9 against the spread. The Patriots cost us both the Lock of the Week and our Trifecta, and also made us wonder when Coach Belichick would have a thrombo on the sidelines. Any day now we expect steam to come pouring out of his ears “Tom & Jerry” style.

Jerry Jones got to show off his new monstrosity to a national television audience Monday night. It’s nice, and we now have a good financial angle to offset our betting losses – buy up all the seats located directly under the cage dancers, post on eBay and profit! Mooooooooon Riverrrrrr …

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as marrying one of the Kardashian sisters after dating for two weeks.

Tennessee (+3) at NY JETS [37] – Apparently, all that’s really necessary to conquer the NFL is to get rid of Chad Pennington, Eric Mangini and Brett Favre. Jets 22, Titans 16.

Jacksonville (+3.5) at HOUSTON [46.5] – Jacksonville is getting ripped this week as the worst city in the NFL. We know they’re talking about being able to support a franchise, but have these people not been to Oakland? Texans 27, Jaguars 24.

Kansas City (+8) at PHILADELPHIA [NL]
– McNabb has a cracked rib, Kolb threw three picks. They wouldn’t put Vick under centre, would they? Eagles 31, Chiefs 17.

Cleveland (+13) at BALTIMORE [38.5] – Apparently, all that’s really necessary to sink to the bottom of the NFL is to pick up Eric Mangini. Ravens 27, Browns 13.

NY Giants (+6.5) at TAMPA BAY [44] – Anyone else starting to think perhaps the oldest Manning brother isn’t the best? Giants 23, Buccaneers 20.

Washington (-6.5) at DETROIT [38.5] – Lions rookie quarterback Matthew Stafford is on a pace to throw eight TDs and 40 interceptions this season. In other words, he’s still going to be more effective than Joey Harrington. Racists 20, Lions 17.

Green Bay (+6.5) at ST LOUIS [41] – We just don’t understand the spread here. Is it because the Rams contained Washington’s offense last week? That’s like getting credit for a knockout by sucker-punching your great aunt. Packers 30, Rams 13.

San Francisco (+7) at MINNESOTA [40.5] – This holdout thing doesn’t seem to be going to well for Michael Crabtree, does it? You know, sit it out while the team struggles and your value increases? Switch agents, Michael, and get in uniform. Vikings 23, 49ers 17.

Atlanta (+4) at NEW ENGLAND [44.5] – Paparazzi at the wedding of Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen have filed a lawsuit after being shot at by bodyguards while trying to take photos of the ceremony. Everyone else in the world is scolding those same bodyguards – for missing. Patriots 26, Falcons 20.

Chicago (-1.5) at SEATTLE [37] – We’re looking at Jay Cutler’s page on right now, and we’re pretty sure that’s a picture of Harland Williams. Bears 22, Seahawks 19.

New Orleans (-6) at BUFFALO [51.5] – Does the visitor’s side of the scoreboard at Ralph Wilson Stadium have the capability to handle triple digits? Saints 31, Bills 24.

Miami (+6) at SAN DIEGO [44]
– Hey, Ray Lewis made a great play, but 5-6 Darren Sproles up the middle when you’ve racked up more than 400 yards through the air? Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Norv. Chargers 24, Dolphins 23.

Pittsburgh (-4) at CINCINNATI [37] – Turns out Chad Ochocinco paid for those Bengals fans to be at Lambeau Field to facilitate his leap last week. Good luck trying that in Pittsburgh – he’ll go home with a can of Iron City up his ass. Steelers 24, Bengals 17.

Denver (-1) at OAKLAND [35.5]
– Nike’s missing a golden marketing with the Broncos this season. How about resurrecting the old ad campaign and asking if “You Knowshon”? Broncos 22, Raiders 17.

Indianapolis (+2.5) at ARIZONA [47.5]
– The Colts’ offense was on the field last week for less than 15 minutes and still beat Miami. Analysts have made much of this, but great things happen regularly in far less time – just ask The Hoser’s wife. Colts 31, Cardinals 27.

Carolina (+9) at DALLAS [47]
– Added bonus for Cowboy fans this week – with Jake Delhomme throwing for Carolina, any one of the 100,000 in the stands could catch a ball! Cowboys 26, Panthers 20.

Lock of the Week: Green Bay
Trifecta: Indianapolis, Denver, Green Bay
Over/Under Good Buys: Indy/Arizona Over

2009 Week Two Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 9-7
Against The Spread: 7-9
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-690

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 24-8
Against The Spread: 17-15
Lock of the Week: 0-2
Trifecta: 0-2
Money: $-750

2009 Week Two Money Spent: $20
2009 Week Two Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $40
2009 Season Money Made: $50
2009 Total: $10

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.


Anonymous said...



Wayne Frazer said...

Nice. Would be nice to see them posted here next week before the games are over.

Looks like the Trifecta is a go this week.

Anonymous said...

you are doing well

Wayne Frazer said...

As Grandpa used to say, "Even a blind squirrel occasionally finds a bucket of fish."

Grandpa was kind of weird.