Friday, September 18, 2009

Welcome to Week Two of the 2009 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re still cursing the name of the Arizona Cardinals.

As you may or may not have read, we were 15-1 straight up this week. That doesn’t normally mean much, except the Cardinals’ loss kept us from cashing what would have been a fairly sizable Pro*Line Pool ticket. Contrary to popular belief, The Hoser is not a millionaire, and does not own a mansion and a yacht.

Makes you want to say, “Again!” doesn’t it?

We also were 10-6 against the spread, a fine number until you factor in our unwavering faith in the Cardinals, which sank both the Lock of the Week and the Trifecta. Our inability to ferret out that one sure thing – well, no one’s going to mistake us for John Cusack anytime soon.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as thinking Donovan McNabb might last more than a week without needing his HMO’s number.

Oakland (+3) at KANSAS CITY [39] – Here are two teams that most likely won’t play as well for the remainder of the season as they did in Week One. We think the Raiders suck just a bit less. Raiders 24, Chiefs 17.

Houston (+6.5) at TENNESSEE [40.5] – Remember that song “Tennessee” from the 90s? The name of the band who sang it perfectly describes the Texans – Arrested Development. Titans 24, Texans 13.

New England (-3.5) at NY JETS [46.5] – Jets’ rookie QB Mark Sanchez has been talking quite a bit this week. He should get it out of his system now, before the Patriots ram themselves down his throat for 60 minutes. Patriots 31, Jets 17.

Cincinnati (+9) at GREEN BAY [42] – Bengals QB Carson Palmer said recently he felt someone could eventually die during an NFL game. We know the feeling – we die here every week. Packers 30, Bengals 17.

Minnesota (-9.5) at DETROIT [46.5] – Ah, the more things change, the more they remain the Detroit Lions. Vikings 27, Lions 21.

New Orleans (NL) at PHILADELPHIA [NL] – Saints quarterback Drew Brees put up an astounding six TD passes last week, but the reason? See above. Eagles 27, Saints 26.

Carolina (+6) at ATLANTA [43] – If you add together last year’s playoff game and the season opener, Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme has shown all the ball-handling skills of Ben Stiller in “There’s Something About Mary.” Falcons 24, Panthers 20.

St. Louis (+9.5) at WASHINGTON [36.5] – Tell you what, Washington fans – we’ll refer to your team as the name you prefer when you refer to yourselves as we see you. Racists 27, Rams 19.

Arizona (+3) at JACKSONVILLE [42.5] – Cardinals wide receiver Sean Morey has agreed to donate his brain to science to help understand the effects of concussions. In a related story, Republican nitwit Jim Wilson apparently donated his several weeks ago. Jaguars 23, Cardinals 21.

Seattle (+1.5) at SAN FRANCISCO [39.5] – The Seahawks’ cheerleading squad is nicknamed the Sea Gals. Good thing Baltimore’s the only NFL franchise with male cheerleaders, huh? 49ers 19, Seahawks 16.

Tampa Bay (+5) at BUFFALO [42] – Until the Bills prove they deserve otherwise, all outro music on their broadcasts should be “Loser” by Beck. Bills 21, Buccaneers 20.

Cleveland (+3) at DENVER [37.5] – Troublemaking Broncos wide receiver Brandon Marshall held his first interview this season, saying little of import. Of course, two drops in six targets last week pretty much says it all, doesn’t it? Broncos 26, Browns 20.

Baltimore (+3.5) at SAN DIEGO [40.5] – If Norv Turner isn’t the first coach fired this season, we’ll eat our hat. This guy’s supposed genius is faker than Tila Tequila’s boobs. Ravens 20, Chargers 19.

Pittsburgh (+2.5) at CHICAGO [37.5] – Bears LB Brian Urlacher is out for the season with a wrist injury, but things could have been worse. He could have been riding around with Lance Briggs. Steelers 23, Bears 19.

NY Giants (+2.5) at DALLAS [43.5] – It’s just weird for the Giants to have one guy named Ramses and another named Hedgecock on the same roster. Cowboys 26, Giants 23.

Indianapolis (-3) at MIAMI [42] – You know how cans of tuna are declared “dolphin-free?” In a show of solidarity with its mascot, the team has declared itself “offense-free.” Colts 22, Dolphins 13.

Lock of the Week: New England
Trifecta: New England, Pittsburgh, Baltimore
Over/Under Good Buys: Cleveland/Denver over

Week One Results:
Straight Up: 15-1
Against The Spread: 10-6
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money Banked: $-60

Real Money Spent: $20
Real Money Made: $50
Real Money Banked: $30

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.


Anonymous said...

Here we go again. ENABLER! A family will lose everything this week because you helped dad lose the family's life savings on a football game. Way to go ASSHOLE!

Wayne Frazer said...


yah_right said...

lock of the week, LOL

Wayne Frazer said...

As I've said before -- your best bet is simply to do the reverse of whatever I pick in the Lock. I'd have more luck identifying a compassionate Republican at a Tea Party rally than the most likely sure any given week in the NFL.