Thursday, September 23, 2010

Welcome to Week Three of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re lower than a realtor’s take-home pay in Detroit.

In what might have been the worst week in Hoser history, we stumbled to an awful 4-10-2 record against the spread. We also missed the Lock, all three Trifecta games and we would have missed the ground had we fallen off our back deck. You know your picks are awful when you’re glad to see pushes. At least we were 10-6 straight up. Yay.

It’s not the NFL, but The Hoser’s best wishes go out to Michigan State head coach Mark Dantonio on his recovery from a heart attack. It happened after the Spartans shocked Notre Dame with a fake field goal to win in overtime. At least it’s easily explainable – how could there be any blood anywhere else in Dantonio’s body with a set of balls that big?

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as hiring Steven Tyler to judge someone’s ability to sing.

Tennessee (+3) at NY GIANTS (42.5): Win or lose, at least New York fans know they’ll have a chance at taking home a helmet. Giants 20, Titans 19.

Buffalo (+14) at NEW ENGLAND (42.5): For a guy who graduated from Harvard, you’d think Ryan Ritzpatrick would be smart enough to get the hell away from the Bills. Patriots 31, Bills 10.

Cleveland (+10.5) at BALTIMORE (37): Cleveland’s front office reportedly made a call to the Eagles inquiring about QB Kevin Kolb. That makes sense, as it would probably take a concussion before anyone would want to play for the Browns. Ravens 22, Browns 16.

Pittsburgh (-2.5) at TAMPA BAY (33): The Bucs are 2-0, but we’re pretty sure Kordell Stewart could come back and keep the Steelers undefeated. Steelers 23, Buccaneers 13.

Cincinnati (-3) at CAROLINA (38): Poor Jimmy Clausen. The Panther receiving corps – “The Situation” is deeper. Bengals 22. Panthers 14.

Atlanta (+4) at NEW ORLEANS (50): We haven’t seen a leg as floppy as Reggie Bush’s since we accidently rented that John Holmes compilation. Saints 28, Falcons 20.

San Francisco (-2.5) at KANSAS CITY (36.5): The Hoser has a 100-1 $10 ticket on the Chiefs to win the Super Bowl – a common side effect of all those free drinks in Vegas. Chiefs 17, 49ers 16.

Detroit (+10.5) at MINNESOTA (42): The Vikings are 0-2, Brett Favre threw three picks last week and in a press conference he said, “I have to be better.” He actually said that. Vikings 24, Lions 17.

Dallas (+3) at HOUSTON (47.5): The Texans look strong, the Cowboys are stumbling ... and that’s a perfect recipe for a reversal. Cowboys 29, Texans 24.

Washington (-3.5) at ST LOUIS (38): The Rams have been close both weeks, but Washington is more than a field goal better, even on the road. Racists 26, Rams 13.

Philadelphia (-3) at JACKSONVILLE (44.5): If it means we’re bad people because we still can’t root for a team led by Michael Vick, so be it. Eagles 24, Jaguars 20.

Indianapolis (-5.5) at DENVER (48): The Broncos have a cornerback named Perrish Cox. And here we already made our John Holmes joke for the week. Colts 30, Broncos 17.

San Diego (-5.5) at SEATTLE (44): Week One, Seahawks fans? We hope you have it on your DVR. Chargers 24, Seahawks 17.

Oakland (+4) at ARIZONA (39.5): The toughest thing to figure about this game is how each of these teams already have a win. Oh yeah ... the Rams. Raiders 20, Cardinals 16.

New York Jets (+2) at MIAMI (34.5): That was Braylon Edwards in that mugshot? We thought Wooly Willie got a DWI. Dolphins 17, Jets 13.

Green Bay (-3) at CHICAGO (46): Lance Briggs – what a bastard for saying maybe women shouldn’t be where guys are naked and defecating. Of course, maybe there just shouldn’t be any reporters, weiner or not, where guys are naked and defecating. Packers 26, Bears 21.

Lock of the Week: Washington

Trifecta: Washington, Pittsburgh, New Orleans

2010 Week Two Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 10-6
Against The Spread: 4-10-2
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-1,060

2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 21-11
Against The Spread: 9-18-5
Lock of the Week: 1-1
Trifecta: 0-2
Money: $-1,240

2010 Week 2 Money Spent: $0
2010 Week 2 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $10
2010 Season Money Made: $0
2010 Total: $-10

The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Welcome to Week Two of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we haven’t been this much in love with a Foster since we first saw “Freaky Friday.”

We were a dreadful 5-8-3 against the spread to open the season, although we did manage to hit the Lock of the Week in Green Bay. Indianapolis cost us the Trifecta, and we were 11-5 straight up. That’s uglier than Tony Siragusa bouncin’ on a diving board in a jock strap, to paraphrase Tim Wilson.

We generally sympathize with NFL players because of their unguaranteed contracts, short careers and the damage they inflict on their bodies. But to then watch Darrelle Revis and Randy Moss bellyache about the millions of dollars they’re making is like hearing a lottery winner gripe because they wouldn’t pay him in all $20s. Both of those guys need to spend a few months working in the stands selling beer and then come back and let us know if they have any more complaints.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as reporting former NHL coaches dead without calling them first.

Kansas City (-2) at CLEVELAND (38): Matt Cassel vs. Seneca Wallace – who says the NFL isn’t a quarterback-driven league? Chiefs 23, Browns 16.
Buffalo (+13) at GREEN BAY (43): After Packers running back Ryan Grant was lost for the season, fantasy owners grabbed Brandon Jackson faster than Washington snatched Clinton Portis’s cell phone. Packers 33, Bills 17.
Baltimore (-1.5) at CINCINNATI (40): We keep hearing about whether there are enough balls to go around in Cincy and it makes us wish Scott Thompson was still doing Buddy Cole skits. Ravens 20, Bengals 14.
Pittsburgh (+5) at TENNESSEE (37): A crisp $50 bill if The Tennessean runs a story about the popularity of a certain Titan RB with the headline “How Big Will Johnson Get?” Titans 26, Steelers 17.
Philadelphia (-4.5) at DETROIT (41): Michael Vick’s back, and at least one guy’s forgotten all of Vick’s transgressions – Kevin Kolb. Eagles 24, Lions 17.
Chicago (+8.5) at DALLAS (41): Hosting the Super Bowl and already 0-1, which do you think is tighter -- Jerry Jones’s face or anus? Cowboys 27, Bears 20.
Arizona (+6.5) at ATLANTA (43): We predict Cardinal RB Chris Wells will become a star as soon as people stop calling him “Beanie.” That’s just embarrassing. Falcons 21, Cardinals 19.
Tampa Bay (+3.5) at CAROLINA (39): Another prediction – the Panthers don’t win a Super Bowl until they dump their mascot, “Sir Purr.” That’s something your grandmother has on her lap in-between knitting sessions. Panthers 20, Buccaneers 14.
Miami (+5.5) at MINNESOTA (39): The Vikings have been scouring the league looking for wide receivers. Hey, Amhad Rashad’s available! Dolphins 19, Vikings 16.
St. Louis (+4) at OAKLAND (37.5): Watching “Jersey Shore” could be more entertaining – at least Snooki might get punched. Raiders 22, Rams 17.
Seattle (+3.5) at DENVER (40): Laurence Maroney – that’ll get the Broncos over the hump! Seahawks 21, Broncos 17.
Houston (-3) at WASHINGTON (43.5): We’d go watch this game if we didn’t think we’d be too close to that crazy, African-born Muslim socialist running your country. Canadians can trust FOXNews, right? Texans 24, Racists 19.
Jacksonville (+8) at SAN DIEGO (45): Note to Charger QB Philip Rivers – getting pissy and stomping around like a three-year-old when the crowd noise is deafening does not make them shut up. Touchdown passes do. Chargers 27, Jaguars 17.
New England (-2) at NY JETS (38): The issues with females and the Jets have been solved – all locker room reports will now be filed by Helen Thomas. Patriots 23, Jets 16.
New Orleans (-4.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (44): This line is predicated on 49ers coach Mike Singletary being able to scare his team back on track in one week. We fear Mike’s stare, but we’re terrified of Drew Brees’ arm. Saints 27, 49ers 17.
NY Giants (+5.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (48): What we can’t find for this game – the over/under on total time under center making stupid arm movements. Colts 26, Giants 24.

Lock of the Week: Carolina

Trifecta: Carolina, Seattle, Baltimore

2010 Week One Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 11-5
Against The Spread: 5-8-3
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-180

2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 11-5
Against The Spread: 5-8-3
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-180

2009 Week 15 Money Spent: $10
2009 Week 15 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $10
2009 Season Money Made: $0
2009 Total: $-10

The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Welcome to Week One of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where it’s been a long offseason – and we don’t have a daughter living anywhere near Ben Roethlisberger.

Who are we expecting to make it to the big dance in Dallas? We hope it’s not the Cowboys – Jerry Jones’s face might explode on the sidelines – but they wouldn’t be a shocker. Still, we like Aaron Rodgers to explode in Green Bay and drive the Packers on the NFC side, while Peyton Manning and his amazing replicating receivers should be back. Book us at – Colts 31, Packers 24.

The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

All of that leads us to this final sentence, a version of which you’ll see every week: remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having the Rev. Terry Jones give your pregame prayer.

Minnesota (+5) at NEW ORLEANS (48): Hey, did you hear? Brett Favre is playing again! Saints 30, Vikings 20.

Carolina (+7) at NY GIANTS (41): The Giants are playing in their new stadium, which makes us wonder – do you think they moved Hoffa’s body, too? Giants 23, Panthers 20.

Miami (-3) at BUFFALO (39): How the hell can Trent Edwards still be the Bills’ quarterback? That’s like re-electing George W. Bush for a second term. Dolphins 20, Bills 19.

Atlanta (-2) at PITTSBURGH (37.5): Congratulations to NFL commissioner Roger Goddell for letting young women across America know sexual misconduct isn’t even worth six games in his league. Falcons 20, Steelers 16.

Detroit (+6.5) at CHICAGO (43): We’ve looked at this about 50 times and damned if we don’t think the Lions are a 50/50 in this one. The Bears are a hot mess, and it’s just the home-field advantage we’re counting on here. Bears 21, Lions 20.

Cincinnati (+4) at NEW ENGLAND (44.5): Wouldn’t it have been great if after the wreck Thursday morning, the photos showed Tom Brady actually drove an old Gremlin? Patriots 23, Bengals 20.

Cleveland (+3) at TAMPA BAY (37): The game’s a dog, but apparently the Rev. Al Sharpton has offered to stand on the sidelines with Jim Brown, a bunch of bananas and an organ grinder. Buccaneers 22, Browns 20.

Denver (+2.5) at JACKSONVILLE (40): If Tim Tebow was still getting hit on with that monk haircut the Denver veterans gave him during camp, we anoint him Rookie of the Year right freaking now. Jaguars 23, Broncos 17.

Indianapolis (-2) at HOUSTON (47): Every year the Texans are the “sleeper” pick for most improved team, and every year they find a way to louse it up. Same as it ever was, Houston. Colts 30, Texans 22.

Oakland (+6) at TENNESSEE (40.5): We started to pick the Raiders, and then the medication kicked in. Titans 23, Raiders 16.

Green Bay (-3) at PHILADELPHIA (47.5): The Eagles minus McNabb, Westbrook and others are a Stone Kolb Lock – to lose this one. Packers 31, Eagles 20.

San Francisco (-3) at SEATTLE (37): Can we suspect the Seahawks are on the right track and still think Pete Carroll is a slimy jerk? 49ers 24, Seahawks 17.

Arizona (-4) at ST. LOUIS (39.5): We’re printing up T-shirts for Cardinals’ fans – “JESUS CAME BACK, KURT – SO SHOULD YOU.” Cardinals 23, Rams 16.

Dallas (-4) at WASHINGTON (40): Should be a good game but, like their owner, Washington will come up a little short. Cowboys 27, Racists 21.

San Diego (-4) at KANSAS CITY (45): Just four points? Does losing an aging LT and a grouchy Vincent Jackson really mean a game against the Chiefs is that tight? Chargers 27, Chiefs 21.

Baltimore (+2.5) at NY JETS (36): Scientists have determined the only thing in the world saltier than the Dead Sea is Rex Ryan’s mouth. Ravens 20, Jets 16.

Lock of the Week: Green Bay

Trifecta: Green Bay, Baltimore, Indianapolis

Over/Under Good Buys: Dallas/Washington OVER