Welcome to Week Three of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where our focus makes Paula Abdul look like Garry Kasparov.

A lapse in concentration cost us a huge week. We spent three days trumpeting Arizona again to our friends – and for some reason we instead put Atlanta down as our Lock of the Week and in the Trifecta. That simple gaffe wiped out a monster 10-3-2 ATS effort to go with an 11-4 straight up performance.

Still, we pocketed $150 (instead of $1,050 – argh!) and through the first two weeks, we’re up $190. We’re not breaking the bank, but we’re not looking like the Lehman Brothers, either.

What is with the proliferation of bad quarterbacking this season? Not only do you have old guys popping up everywhere, but even some of the young bucks are stinking it up. Carson Palmer, are you listening? We’d bet the Bengal front office is looking for Akili Smith’s phone number right about now.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Al Davis speak at your workplace about job security.

Kansas City (+5.5) at ATLANTA – O/U 36: Matt Ryan vs. Tyler Thigpen. Man, that’ll put the butts in the seats! Maybe Atlanta’s learned to run twice for every pass attempt. Falcons 23, Chiefs 14.

Oakland (+9) at BUFFALO – O/U 37: Justin Fargas finally looks like he’s going to shine for the Raiders, and then he injures his groin again. Forget “Huggy Bear Jr.” – dude just needs a hug. Bills 22, Raiders 17.

Houston (+5.5) at TENNESSEE – O/U 38.5: Didn’t anyone in the Texans’ organization consider they might want to make the new stadium just slightly hurricane resistant? Where was that blueprint drawn up – Haiti? Titans 21, Texans 17.

Cincinnati (+13) at N.Y. GIANTS – O/U 41.5: This line looks way too big until we consider a) the Giants beats the Rams last week by 28, and b) The Bengals suck almost as badly as the Rams. Giants 34, Bengals 17.

Arizona (+3) at WASHINGTON – O/U 42: There is a downside to Kurt Warner’s resurgence – Matt Leinart may now have time to impregnate the entire Arizona State University women’s basketball team. Cardinals 30, Racist Jerks 17.

Miami (+13) at NEW ENGLAND – O/U 35.5: Dolphins receiver Ted Ginn Jr., will finally show up this week – on the back of Miami-area milk cartons. Patriots 29, Dolphins 17.

Tampa Bay (+3.5) at CHICAGO – O/U 35.5: We love Da Bears, but when Brandon Lloyd is your top option at wideout, you’re in for a longgggg season. Bears 20, Bucs 17.

Carolina (+3) at MINNESOTA – O/U 37: We’d have to think Viking fans can’t be too thrilled about the Tarvaris Jackson experiment ending only to see Gus Frerotte trot out to take his place. That’s like replacing Charles Nelson Reilly with Jm J. Bullock. Panthers 20, Vikings 14.

St. Louis (+9) at SEATTLE – O/U 44: The Seahawks signed Koren Robinson and traded for Keary Colbert this week to shore up their wide receiving corps. Couldn’t they find better hands down at Pike Place Fish Market? Seahawks 29, Rams 22.

Detroit (+4.5) at SAN FRANCISCO – O/U 46: A 12-year-old Lions fan approaches Matt Millen at a game and says, "I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw you and your wife doing it. Nyah, nyah, nyah!" Millen answers, "The joke's on you, kid – I wasn't even home last night!" 49ers 23, Lions 20.

New Orleans (+5) at DENVER – O/U 51: This contest should be listed as “New Orleans at Enver,” because there’s no “D” to be found. Broncos 30, Saints 22.

Pittsburgh (+3) at PHILADELPHIA – O/U 45.5: When he gets married, do you think DeSean Jackson will drop his wife right outside the honeymoon suite door? Eagles 28, Steelers 24.

Jacksonville (+6) at INDIANAPOLIS – O/U 41.5: The Colts won last week with a grand total of 25 rushing yards. They might only need 20 this week. Colts 30, Jaguars 17.

Cleveland (+2) at BALTIMORE – O/U 39: Can we officially change the cliché to “soft as Donte Stallworth”? This guy plays about as often as a Village People 8-track. Ravens 19, Browns 16.

Dallas (-3) at GREEN BAY – O/U 52: Cowboys WR Terrell Owens said last week he and Eagles QB Donovan McNabb didn’t get along in Philly because McNabb was jealous of TO’s popularity. Yeah, we’re sure it had nothing to do with Owens being a self-centered douchebag. Cowboys 30, Packers 26.

Lock of the Week: Arizona

Trifecta: Arizona, Indianapolis, New York Giants

Over/Under Good Buys: Cleveland/Baltimore UNDER, Jacksonville/Indianapolis OVER


Week Two Results:

Straight Up: 11-4

Against The Spread: 10-3-2

Lock of the Week: 0-1

Trifecta: 0-1

Money Banked: $+150


Season Results:

Straight Up: 20-11

Against The Spread: 18-11-2

Lock of the Week: 1-1

Trifecta: 1-1

Money Banked: $+190

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Welcome to Week 11 of the 2007 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we faltered for a second straight week.

The Hoser struggled to a 6-7-1 week against the spread and 8-6 straight up. In our defense, we were told San Francisco would actually be fielding an NFL team in Seattle.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as calling Barry Bonds as a character witness.

JACKSONVILLE (-3) vs. San Diego 40½: Strictly an anti-Norv pick. Jaguars 24, Chargers 17

INDIANAPOLIS (-14½) vs. Kansas City 42½: No Freeney, no Harrison, no Ugoh ... no cover. Colts 27, Chiefs 14

MINNESOTA (-5½) vs. Oakland 35½: If you wait long enough, someone actually will score in this game. Raiders 16, Vikings 10.

Cleveland (-3) at BALTIMORE 44: The youthful Browns aren't ready for this yet. Oh, and take the under here big. Ravens 19, Browns 17.

Pittsburgh (-9) at N.Y JETS 40: We hate the Jets, but we don't hate Kellen Clemens. Steelers 23, Jets 17.

Tampa Bay (-3) at ATLANTA 35½: Our gut tells us to go with the Falcons, but then our gut told us to go for three Taco Bell gorditas last night. Good thing the wifi reaches into the can. Buccaneers 23, Falcons 19.

CINCINNATI (-3) vs. Arizona 48½: The Cardinals are inconsistent, but the Bengals flat-out suck. Cards 31, Bengals 20.

PHILADELPHIA (-10) vs. Miami 41: The John Beck era starts today ... with a big loss. Eagles 34, Dolphins 17.

New England (-15) at BUFFALO 47: We've been riding the Pats all year long, but the Bills keep this to within a couple scores. Patriots 30, Bills 20.

DALLAS (-11) vs. Washington 46½: The spread seems too big. It isn't. Cowboys 35, Redskins 16.

New Orleans (PK) at HOUSTON 47½: The Texans get Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson back this week. Yay. Texans 27, Saints 24.

GREEN BAY (-10) vs. Carolina 38: Enjoy the ride while you can, Packer backers. It ends in Dallas in a couple weeks. Packers 27, Panthers 13.

N.Y Giants (-2½) at DETROIT 49: The Lions are 4-0 at home, and isn't it about time for a Tom Coughlin choke job? Lions 29, Giants 23.

St. Louis (-3) at SAN FRANCISCO 39½: Only the 49ers could be dogs at home in this case. Rams 28, 49ers 17.

SEATTLE (-5) vs. Chicago 37½: Hey, Rex Grossman's back! Seahawks 20, Bears 13.

DENVER (-2½) vs. Tennessee 38½: Travis Henry's banged up, but there's good news -- he's gained the naming rights to the former Holiday Bowl. This year, Air Force and BYU will meet in the Zig-Zag Smoke-A-Bowl. Broncos 21, Titans 20.

Lock of the Week: Oakland

Trifecta: Oakland, Detroit, Baltimore

O/U Good Buys: Cleveland/Baltimore under, Minnesota/Oakland under

Week 10 results:

ATS: 6-7-1

SU: 8-6

Lock of the Week: 0-1

Trifecta: 0-1

The Money Game: -$760

For the season:

ATS: 74-63-6

SU: 96-48

Lock of the Week: 3-7

Trifecta: 1-9

The Money Game: $-2,300

An abbreviated Thanksgiving version of The Hoser's picks this week -- the rest will follow on Friday morning.

Enjoy the holiday, and remember, there's always room for one more piece of pie -- especially if it's wafer thin!

Miami @ DETROIT (+2.5): While families across America sit down to enjoy the holiday turkey, Lions' fans know theirs is sitting upstairs in a luxury suite somewhere. Dolphins 22, Lions 20.

Tampa Bay @ DALLAS (-11): How the mighty have fallen. While new Dallas QB Tony Romo downplays rumors of a budding relationship with Jessica Simpson, deposed signal caller Drew Bledsoe is emphatically denying a romantic link between him and Mindy Cohn. Cowboys 27, Bucs 17.

Denver @ KANSAS CITY (PK): Two things you can count on -- the Chiefs playing tough at Arrowhead (7-1 ATS last season) and KC tailgaters having cholesterol levels higher than the averages of most PBA members. Chiefs 23, Broncos 21.

Week 12 Hoser's Dozers

Editor's Note: These only apply to players playing Thursday who might bump someone off your normal roster.

WR -- Eddie Kenison, Kansas City: The Broncos have been just average against the pass this season, and the return of Chiefs QB Trent Green will make Kenison as happy as a dog under the Thanksgiving table.

WR -- Wes Welker, Miami: The Lions have given up 16 passing TDs and picked off only five passes this year. Welker will either beat the stuffing out of or make mincemeat of the Detroit secondary, depending whether you go for thirds or head right to the dessert table.

Welcome to Week Eleven of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where, like a farmer in a cow pasture at night, we’re taking it one step at a time.

The Hoser again struggled through a lousy week, going 6-10 against the spread and a tepid 8-8 straight up. We know some of our readers have suggested a hamster could do better, but hey – that’s pretty insulting to the hamster, don’t you think?

This week’s best NFL fun comes courtesy of Oakland Raiders QB Andrew Walters. He said the team’s offensive game plans, drawn up by offensive coordinator Tom Walsh, have been predictable and lacking in depth. Walters later apologized, and added that Walsh also makes a mean bed and sets up an excellent brunch.

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Whitney Houston handle your next mortgage.

Oakland @ KANSAS CITY (-9.5): Raiders wide receiver Randy Moss said this week he may be dropping passes because he’s unhappy and depressed. In an effort to raise Moss’s morale, all linemen will now wear clown suits and every Sunday will be “Dime Bag Day” at McAfee Coliseum. Chiefs 31, Raiders 14.

Indianapolis @ DALLAS (+1): Former Cowboys star running back Emmitt Smith was crowned the champion on “Dancing With The Stars” this week. The show’s judges also gave Colts QB Peyton Manning a special award for his outstanding “Funky Chicken” during audibles. Cowboys 26, Colts 24.

Cincinnati @ NEW ORLEANS (-3.5): Bengals offensive stars Chad Johnson, Carson Palmer, T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Rudi Johnson will soon be honored with special U.S. Postal Service posters and gift sets. On a related note, Cincinnati’s defense is already featured on the back of local milk cartons. Saints 31, Bengals 30.

Pittsburgh @ CLEVELAND (+3.5): Steelers RB Willie Parker was tabbed as the AFC Offensive Player of the Week after gashing the Saints for more than 200 yards and two TDs. Willie Parker’s a great football name, but we still think it’d be even better in the adult film industry. Steelers 23, Browns 20.

Tennessee @ PHILADELPHIA (-13): Titans defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth returns this week from his five-game suspension after his foot’s altercation with Dallas’s Andre Gurode’s head. His teammates chipped in and bought Haynesworth a great welcome-back gift – front-row seats for the touring production of “Stomp”. Eagles 27, Titans 16.

Atlanta @ BALTIMORE (-4): Ravens QB Steve McNair isn’t setting the world on fire this season, but he’s facing a Falcon secondary with more holes than the FOX Network’s ethics department. Seriously, a special on how O.J. would have done it, if he did it? I guess “Naked Gun 33 1/3rd” wasn’t the final insult. Ravens 23, Falcons 17.

St. Louis @ CAROLINA (-6.5): Rams stud OL Orlando Pace is gone for the season, leaving Adam Goldberg to handle … gulp … Julius Peppers. That adds up to St. Louis QB Marc Bulger ending up Marc Flatter. Panthers 23, Rams 17.

Buffalo @ HOUSTON (-2.5): Texans guard Fred Weary was Tasered by police after allegedly refusing to follow their instructions during a traffic stop. The Hoser smells a police brutality suit, as the cops should have known they could easily have just walked right around any Houston offensive lineman to apply the cuffs. Texans 24, Bills 20.

New England @ GREEN BAY (+6): After two poor performances from Tom Brady and losing back-to-back games for the first time since 2002, the Patriots signed ancient QB Vinny Testeverde. This is a similar strategy to trying to save your failing wet T-shirt contest by bringing in Angela Lansbury. Patriots 26, Packers 22.

Washington @ TAMPA BAY (-3): Newly crowned Redskins quarterback Jason Campbell has to be concerned about the franchise’s history with young signal callers, especially considering every time he pulls up to FedEx Field, Patrick Ramsey offers to wash his windshield for a buck. Bucs 19, Redskins 17.

Chicago @ NY JETS (+7): Football card collectors had a laugh this week when it was discovered Jets rookie RB Leon Washington appeared to flipping a double bird to the camera. Washington explained later he was simply honoring one of his favorite players – Michael Irvin – by flashing Irvin’s ACT score. Bears 30, Jets 19.

Minnesota @ MIAMI (-3.5): The Dolphins are hot and the Viking ship is sink … errr, taking on … I shouldn’t mention boats at all, should I? Dolphins 22, Vikings 17.

Detroit @ ARIZONA (-2.5): Tragedy was averted at a mall in Detroit this week when a power outage trapped Lions GM Matt Millen for six hours. Eventually, however, emergency personnel were able to convince Millen to just walk down the escalator. Cardinals 24, Lions 20.

Seattle @ SAN FRANCISCO (+6.5): 49ers head coach Mike Nolan, in honor of both his father and other great coaches such as Tom Landry and Vince Lombardi, will wear a suit and tie this weekend after Reebok developed his outfit to meet its licensing deal with the NFL. Reebok denied, however, that it is working with Detroit assistant coach Joe Cullen on a special sideline birthday suit. Seahawks 27, 49ers 21.

San Diego @ DENVER (-2.5): Chargers running back Ladainian Tomlinson has racked up 15 touchdowns in the past five weeks, which means he’s scoring faster than a James Norton look-alike at a “Desperate Housewives” party. Chargers 24, Broncos 17.

New York Giants @ JACKSONVILLE (-3.5): Jags QB David Garrard was strapped with four INTs last week, even though his Venus De Milo-like receivers tipped two of them and dropped seven others. WR Reggie Williams at least caught the attention of a fan, getting in a yelling match on the sidelines and then fighting with Ernest Wilford. Nope, they don’t miss Byron Leftwich at all, do they? Giants 26, Jaguars 23.

Week Eleven Hoser’s Dozers

QB: Steve McNair, Baltimore Ravens – McNair went off like Robin Williams on meth last week, and there’s no reason to think the Falcons’ 30th-ranked pass defense will slow him down much. Maybe you have a bigger-name quarterback on your roster. Sit him and play McNair.

RB: Marion Barber III, Dallas Cowboys – We’ve seen Barber ranked as low as 29th this week among backs, which is ridiculous. The Colts are dead last against the run and Barber has six TDs in his last eight games. This ain’t no close shave for our friendly Barber – he’ll beat the Schick out of Indy’s D.

WR: Rashied Davis, Chicago Bears -- The Jets have the 30th-ranked defense in the league and with Chicago QB Rex Grossman getting his mojo back, someone besides Mushin Muhammad has to catch the ball. Yes, we know Mark Bradley had a great week last week, but go with the speedy Davis to rip through the secondary like The Hoser through a sushi buffet.

D: Kansas City – The Chiefs are right in the middle of the pack when it comes to total defense, but they have two big plusses in Week 11 – they have 17 takeaways on the season, and they play the Raiders. Add in a due Dante Hall and K.C. could have a huge day.

K: Olindo Mare, Miami Dolphins – Mare isn’t exactly Mr. Accuracy this season (14-for-22), but at least he’s getting some chances. He’s also knocked down six treys in the past three weeks, and the Vikings have given up the second-most field goals in the league this season. Give him a shot and you could be singing, “Oh! Mare!”

Lock of the Week: New York Giants

Trifecta: New York Giants, San Diego, Dallas

Week Ten:

6-10 ATS

8-8 SU

0-1 LOTW

0-1 Trifecta

-$960

Overall:

64-78-1 ATS

89-54 SU

2-8 Lock

1-9 Trifecta

-$5,530

Welcome to Week Ten of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where at least we had a better week than the Republicans.

The Hoser improved a bit, although going 8-6 straight up and 5-9 against the spread only looks good when you’ve picking winners with the same success rate as Britney Spears in the husband pool.

In the fun NFL fight of the week, Oakland defensive lineman Tyler Brayton was fined $25,000 for kneeing Seattle tight end Jerramy Stevens in the groin at the end of their contest in Week 9. Stevens was not seriously hurt in the altercation, but team doctors said after the game he was a little testes with them.

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having John Daly as your marriage counselor.

Kansas City @ MIAMI (+1): Dolphins head coach Nick Saban said criticism of his team by Bob Kuechenberg helped spur his team to its win over Chicago. This confused us until The Hoser realized Kuechenberg was a member of the 1972 Dolphins and not Bill Kirkenbauer, the male lead in the ABC ‘80s sitcom “Just The Ten Of Us”. Chiefs 29, Dolphins 20.

Houston @ JACKSONVILLE (-10.5): It didn’t go well for Kinky Friedman on Tuesday night, and it’s gonna go even worse for the Texans this weekend. Jaguars 27, Texans 13.

San Diego @ CINCINNATI (+1.5): Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer said he will be giving football fans an early Christmas gift. This week, instead of tearing a phony name off the back of wide receiver Chad Johnson’s jersey, Palmer will tear out Johnson’s tongue. Chargers 23, Bengals 20.

Cleveland @ ATLANTA (-7.5): Falcons QB Michael Vick may have a career in the movies. After last week’s performance against Detroit, he’s up for the title role in a remake of “The Man Who Fell To Earth”. Falcons 26, Browns 16.

Baltimore @ TENNESSEE (+7.5): There’s both good and bad to head coach Brian Billick’s successful return to play calling for the Ravens. It’s great that Baltimore’s offense is firing on all cylinders, but Billick’s head may swell up enough to cause eclipses in neighboring states. Ravens 24, Titans 10.

Buffalo @ INDIANAPOLIS (-11.5): With running back Willis McGahee out with a few broken ribs, the Bills will turn to Anthony Davis, a veteran with a great nickname – “A-Train”. It even sort of mirrors QB J.P. Losman’s nickname, or at least the word Buffalo fans say every time he drops back to throw – “F-Bomb.” Colts 33, Bills 19.

New Orleans @ PITTSBURGH (-4): Another week of the Steelers being inexplicably favoured against a better team. Does Bill Cowher have pictures of Danny Sheridan naked with Bea Arthur or what? Saints 26, Steelers 20.

Washington @ PHILADELPHIA (-7): Eagles QB Donovan McNabb unveiled his new “Super Five” clothing line this week, which features hooded sweatshirts, vests and knit sweaters. Not to be overshadowed, the Redskins’ secondary also debuted its brand of fire-retardant sportswear named “Burnt Toast”. Eagles 28, Redskins 17.

Chicago @ N.Y. GIANTS (-2.5): The Hoser finally jumps on the Bears’ bandwagon and bang! – it collapses. Hey, we didn’t see the “Not Safe For Backbacon Inhaling Canadians” sign. Giants 20, Bears 16.

Green Bay @ MINNESOTA (-5): Ahhh, Minnesota, the “Land of 10,000 Lakes” … and zero offensive creativity. Scoring three points against the 49ers is like striking out on a date with Paris Hilton. Vikings 17, Packers 16.

N.Y. Jets @ NEW ENGLAND (-10.5): The Hoser was poking around the Patriots’ web site, looking for some inside info, when he came across this gem of a quote from center Dan Koppen after the Indianapolis game – “We don’t want to lose around here.” And you wonder why sportswriters always seem to have an open beer next to them. Patriots 24, Jets 21.

San Francisco @ DETROIT (-6): One win does not stop the Matt Millen joke train! So …
Matt Millen walks into a UPS Store and asks for a box two inches high, two inches wide and 50 feet long.
The clerk looks at Millen and says, “What would you want a box like that for?"
"Well,” Millen says, "my neighbor moved away but left some stuff in the garage, so he asked me to send him his garden hose." Lions 23, 49ers 13.

Denver @ OAKLAND (+9): Raiders head coach Art Shell looked mortified Monday night after his quarterback was sacked nine times in a loss to Seattle. Seriously, Andrew Walters spent more time on his ass than Don Quixote. Broncos 29, Raiders 7.

St. Louis @ SEATTLE (-3.5): St. Louis fans have to be a little disturbed that Rams head coach Scott Linehan was mentored by recently fired Mighigan State head coach John L. Smith. That’s like finding out your nanny was referred by Michael Jackson. Seahawks 24, Rams 20.

Tampa Bay @ CAROLINA (-9.5): Hey, remember when Bucs head coach Jon Gruden was a genius? Panthers 30, Buccaneers 17.

Dallas @ ARIZONA (+7): The Hoser and his lovely wife have been taking odds on our seven-month-old daughter’s first word. “Mama” is at 2:1, “kitty” is at 4:1, and “Obafemi Ayanbadejo” is at about the same odds as Dennis Green having a job at the end of the season. Cowboys 31, Cardinals 21.

Lock of the Week: New Orleans

Trifecta: New Orleans, Detroit, Kansas City

Week Nine:

5-9 ATS
8-6 SU
0-1 LOTW
0-1 Trifecta
-$1,000

Overall:

58-68-1 ATS
81-46 SU
2-7 Lock
1-8 Trifecta
-$4,570


And here’s our new weekly feature, The Hoser’s Three Great White (North) Hopes. These are our three guys to surprise on your fantasy roster this weekend:

Anthony Thomas, RB, Buffalo – With McGahee out and the Colts defense handing out rushing yardage like half-priced Halloween candy, the “A-Train” should make at least one stop in the Indianapolis end zone. He’s also a solid pick-up for the remainder of the season.

David Martin, TE, Green Bay – When Brett Favre is short on guys he recognizes to throw passes, the veterans benefit, i.e. Donald Driver seeing more balls than … well, we’ll pass on the cheap Tyler Brayton joke. Martin, however, has caught four balls in each of the last two games and scored two TDs in the last three weeks.

Detroit, D – No, the Lions aren’t particularly wonderful, but they’re playing San Francisco this week, and the 49er red zone offense is softer than ice cream on the beach. Also, an ugly minus-7 turnover ratio means cheap points for you, needy owner.

Hoser's Note: The timestamp on this refers to the time and date this piece began. I don't know the lines that far in advance -- not that it would do me any good.

Welcome to Week Nine of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where much like the slashers and high-stickers of goalie Denis Lemieux's dreams ... we feel shame.

The Hoser, in front of the world (and more importantly, our new friends at draftsharks.com), we had by far our worst week of the season -- 5-9 straight up and a stupefying 3-11 against the spread. Seriously, there hasn't been a debut this awful since Monday Night Football tried to pretend Eric Dickerson had a firm grasp on the English language.

In the interesting feud of the week, ESPN talking head Michael Irvin tried to declare himself a character guy Monday night after New York running back Tiki Barber trashed him on a radio show last week. We think Irvin went too far, however, when he said that all great leaders throughout history had deviated septums.

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Kevin Federline promote your new line of bath products for men.

Kansas City @ ST. LOUIS (-2): My fantasy league has set a rule for next season -- if you own Chiefs RB Larry Johnson, the rest of your team must be comprised of Arizona Cardinals. I think I'd still take him. Chiefs 30, Rams 24.

Cincinnati @ BALTIMORE (-3): Bengals WR Chad Johnson may have tangoed in the end zone last week, but I'm pretty sure the Ravens' defense will be tap-dancing on his ass this week. Ravens 19, Bengals 14.

Houston @ N.Y. GIANTS (-13): I don't think Texans back-up quarterback Sage Rosenfels has much of a chance to take away David Carr's starting job. He does, however, have a great shot at having some sort of potato side dish named after him. NY Giants 29, Houston 13.

Tennessee @ JACKSONVILLE (-10): Titans cornerback Adam "Pac-Man" Jones received a one-game suspension this week after spitting on a woman at a party. Jones said he wouldn't appeal, but that the punishment was a bit more than he expectorated. Jaguars 23, Titans 16.

Dallas @ WASHINGTON (+3): Dallas police fielded several 911 calls this week from trick-or-treaters who were excessively frightened after stopping at Cowboys owner Jerry Jones's house. No charges were filed, however, after Jones explained that his face looked that way all the time. Cowboys 30, Redskins 17.

Green Bay @ BUFFALO (-3.5): It's too bad Packers QB Brett Favre isn't pitching Pepto Bismol instead of Prilosec, because I'm pretty sure if I hear from one more announcer say how much fun Favre's having this season, I'm going to throw up. Packers 24, Bills 20.

New Orleans @ TAMPA BAY (+1): Saints quarterback Drew Brees has asked his mother to pull his picture from her campaign ads in Texas. Brees denied rumours, however, that his jersey would say "CRAWFORD" on the back this week. Saints 26, Bucs 22.

Atlanta @ DETROIT (+4.5): This week's Matt Millen joke: Millen is driving through the country, out to do some big-game hunting, when he comes to a fork in the road. A large sign reads "BEAR LEFT" ... so Millen goes home. Falcons 30, Lions 20.

Miami @ CHICAGO (-13): I give. The Bears are He-Man and the rest of the NFL is Trap-Jaw before them. And yes, I know -- The Hoser is Orko, always Orko. Bears 34, Dolphins 17.

Minnesota @ SAN FRANCISCO (+5): Who gets hammered faster -- the 49ers after surrendering 41 first-half points last week or Joe Namath on a cold Monday night? Vikings 30, 49ers 20.

Cleveland @ SAN DIEGO (-12.5): Cleveland area sportswriters confirmed that Browns head coach Romeo Crennel sang a few lines from an undisclosed song to his team before they beat the Jets. That's not that unusual, actually -- Cards head coach Dennis Green reportedly sings Beck's "Loser" to his squad every week. Chargers 27, Browns 13.

Denver @ PITTSBURGH (-2.5): Due to the loss of Verron Haynes, the Steelers will be forced to rely on running back Najeh Davenport at the goal line. Given his laundry basket adventures in college, The Hoser still snickers when an announcer says Ben Roethlisberger has dumped a pass off to him. Broncos 26, Steelers 23.

New England @ INDIANAPOLIS (+3): There's no doubt he's a great coach, but who dressed Patriots head man Bill Belichick last week, Jennifer Beals? Maybe he heard it was "Hans & Franz" night at the Metrodome. Colts 26, Patriots 24.

Oakland @ SEATTLE (-7.5): Raiders WR Randy moss is smiling again, which means one of two things -- either he's getting more balls thrown to him or Oakland's city council has reduced the punishment for running over meter maids to a $50 fine. Raiders 27, Seahawks 26.

Lock of the Week: Oakland

Trifecta: Oakland, New Orleans, Minnesota

Week Seven:

3-11 ATS

5-9 SU

0-1 LOTW

0-1 Trifecta

-$1,300

Overall:

53-59-1 ATS

73-40 SU

2-6 Lock

1-7 Trifecta

-$3,570