Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Welcome to Week Thirteen of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where if you’ve been simply doing the opposite of what we suggested, it finally cost you.

The Hoser went a moribund 8-8 against the spread and 10-6 straight up, but finally managed to hit on a Lock of the Week. Well, actually, our Ouija board picked New Orleans, but it also told us Elton John’s next video would feature a nude scene, and now we’re too creeped out to use it again.

The NFL shocker of the week was Bill Parcells cutting loose kicker Mike Vanderjagt after the Cowboys signed him to a three-year, $5.5M deal in the offseason. Vanderjagt wanted to get out of town as quickly as possible, but not surprisingly, he missed his plane.

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Michael Vick teach your kids sign language.

Baltimore @ CINCINNATI (-3): Bengal speedburner Chris Henry snagged two TD passes against the Browns last week, but he’ll be hard-pressed to outrun the punishment of a possible DUI conviction this week. Insert “jail + wide receiver” joke here. Ravens 22, Bengals 17.

Indianapolis @ TENNESSEE (+7.5): In response to injuries, the Colts have signed WR Ricky Proehl. This is Proehl’s sixth NFL team, meaning he’s been picked up almost as much as Chris Henry. Colts 33, Titans 21.

Minnesota @ CHICAGO (-9.5): Bears QB Rex Grossman has 15 turnovers in the past six weeks. After the botched snap at New England’s five-yard line last week, we wondered – has anyone seen Grossman and Kurt Warner in the same room recently? Bears 20, Vikings 14.

Tampa Bay @ PITTSBURGH (-8.5): The Steelers have been relying increasingly on the pass, getting away from the run-oriented offence that brought them a Super Bowl title last season. You know you’re getting too predictable when Terry Bradshaw can guess the next play. Steelers 23, Buccaneers 16.

Arizona @ ST. LOUIS (-6.5): Cardinals head coach Dennis Green said his team will pound the ball more after throwing 51 times and running just six last week. That’s about as balanced as having Bill O’Reilly and Tucker Carlson run your U.S. foreign policy debate. Rams 26, Cardinals 22.

Jacksonville @ MIAMI (-2): This whole Nick Saban thing is getting ridiculous. Our local Chick-fil-A put up a “Now Hiring” sign and Saban sent out a press release saying he wasn’t interested in the job. Dolphins 23, Jaguars 20.

San Francisco @ NEW ORLEANS (-7): In researching the possible legal battle over the 49ers’ name if the franchise relocates to Santa Clara, The Hoser discovered Rice-A-Roni’s headquarters are actually in Chicago. We understand, though, as “The San Francisco Treat” is probably a better slogan than “You’ll Feel The Windy City In Every Bite”. Saints 31, 49ers 13.

Atlanta @ WASHINGTON (-1.5): Yes, the ‘Skins won a game under new QB Jason Campbell, but favoured over the Falcons? To paraphrase the great Harvey Keitel, “Let’s not start SLAPPING each other’s BACKS just yet.” Well, that’s what he says on TBS, anyway. Falcons 22, Redskins 17.

Kansas City @ CLEVELAND (+5): After his little hissy fit on the sidelines last week, Browns WR Braylon Edwards said, “I wish I could do it back, but I can’t.” This explains Edwards grabbing QB Charlie Frye’s jersey for attention, as Edwards obviously can’t speak English. Chiefs 27, Browns 17.

Detroit @ NEW ENGLAND (-13.5): Lions GM Matt Millen nearly died of exposure this week after he was found sitting in his car outside a shuttered drive-in theatre. Millen later explained he had been waiting to see “Closed For The Winter.” Patriots 29, Lions 17.

San Diego @ BUFFALO (+6): Chargers LB Shawne Merriman returns from his four-game steroids suspension declaring he’s ready to play. Team doctors are a bit worried, however, after noticing Merriman’s physique now resembles Olive Oyl’s. Chargers 30, Bills 17.

NY Jets @ GREEN BAY (-1): Packers QB Brett Favre continued his amazing streak last week. No, not of making 252 consecutive starts – the other one where he makes at least three utterly stupid decisions in a game. Jets 24, Packers 20.

Dallas @ NY GIANTS (+3.5): The History Channel is currently cutting footage of the Hindenburg crash from its “Greatest New Jersey Disasters” special and adding a biography of Eli Manning. Cowboys 26, Giants 21.

Houston @ OAKLAND (-3): The Hoser can’t get excited about this game, but Oakland’s decision to demote Tom Walsh totally makes us want to Shoop (drops needle on Salt N’ Pepa and begins Cabbage Patching). Raiders 17, Texans 13.

Seattle @ DENVER (-4.5): Broncos QB Jake Plummer has been axed as the team’s starter, but he’s taking it well, saying it will allow him to devote more time to his film career. Plummer’s fighting not only a lack of acting experience, but also being typecast as a homeless guy. Seahawks 22, Broncos 20.

Carolina @ PHILADELPHIA (-3): Panther fans calling for the benching of their struggling quarterback, Jake Delhomme, are generally quieted by whispering two little words in their ears – Chris Weinke. Eagles 23, Panthers 21.

Week Twelve Hoser’s Dozers

QB: Chad Pennington, New York Jets – Pennington had a shaky couple weeks before getting the magic elixir that is the Houston Texans in Week 12. As long as the frozen tundra isn’t too frozen, Pennington should ice the league fourth-worst pass defense.

RB: Sammy Morris, Miami Dolphins – With Ronnie Brown out after hand surgery, Morris should get the lion’s share of the carries this week. Consider his backfield partner a Minor inconvenience and play this cat.

WR: Kevin Curtis, St. Louis Rams – Maybe Torry Holt kicked his dog or something, but QB Marc Bulger has suddenly stopped looking in Holt’s direction. That means targets for Curtis, and if he does well, remember Utah (State) it here first.

Lock of the Week: San Diego

Trifecta: San Diego, Kansas City, Indianapolis

Week Eleven:
8-8 ATS
10-6 SU
1-0 LOTW
0-1 Trifecta

81-92-2 ATS
111-64 SU
3-9 Lock
1-11 Trifecta

Friday, November 24, 2006

Welcome to Week Twelve of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re getting over our withdrawal from American Thanksgiving. Just don’t mention green bean casserole or we could relapse.

The Hoser finally started to rebound to early-season form, going 9-6-1 against the spread and 12-4 straight up. Seriously – we counted like four times.

There was some excitement in the Hoser household also, as we had two Pro-Line cards with four games each and three right heading into Monday night. Unfortunately, Giants head coach Tom Coughlin somehow forgot he had Tiki Barber in his backfield while Eli Manning played with all the poise of Kirstie Alley in a Haagen-Dazs outlet. Thanks, Tom!

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as thinking the world won’t notice you’re suddenly four inches taller in your wedding photos.

Editor's Note: Thanksgiving picks were up on the site on Thursday morning. As you can tell from the results, I didn't change anything.

Miami @ DETROIT (+2.5): While families across America sit down to enjoy the holiday turkey, Lions' fans know theirs is sitting upstairs in a luxury suite somewhere. Dolphins 22, Lions 20.

Tampa Bay @ DALLAS (-11): How the mighty have fallen. While new Dallas QB Tony Romo downplays rumors of a budding relationship with Jessica Simpson, deposed signal caller Drew Bledsoe is emphatically denying a romantic link between him and Mindy Cohn. Cowboys 27, Bucs 17.

Denver @ KANSAS CITY (PK): Two things you can count on -- the Chiefs playing tough at Arrowhead (7-1 ATS last season) and KC tailgaters having cholesterol levels higher than the averages of most PBA members. Chiefs 23, Broncos 21.

Jacksonville @ BUFFALO (+3): Jaguars DT John Henderson continues his pre-game ritual of being slapped around by a trainer before taking the field. Oddly enough, it’s the same thing Clay Aiken does to get ready for a concert. Jaguars 27, Bills 17.

Houston @ NEW YORK JETS (-5.5): Texans OL Fred Weary had resisting arrest charges dropped against him this week after getting Tasered during a recent traffic stop. The two officers involved won’t be suspended, but they will be forced to spend two hours in a locked room listening to Roger Clemens talk about himself. Jets 20, Texans 17.

Pittsburgh @ BALTIMORE (-3): Ravens place kicker Matt Stover saw his run of 36 consecutive made field goals end last week. Stover hadn’t shanked one in more than a year and was chasing current Dallas K Mike Vanderjagt, who hasn’t missed in the last … four minutes. Ravens 20, Steelers 16.

Cincinnati @ CLEVELAND (+3): Browns WR Braylon Edwards caught some flak from his teammates this week for questioning an early-season shot by DB Brian Russell’s on Cincy wide receiver Chad Johnson that left Johnson helmetless and with a huge gash on his chin. Physicists defended Russell, however, saying he was most likely sucked in by the gravitation pull from Johnson’s mouth. Bengals 28, Browns 20.

Arizona @ MINNESOTA (-6.5): Rumors are circulating the Cardinals have already decided to fire head coach Dennis Green at season’s end and hire former Lions coach Steve Mariucci. Arizona management denies it, and also refutes recently interviewing Tom Izzo for the job. Cardinals 22, Vikings 20.

San Francisco @ ST. LOUIS (-5.5): 49ers receiver Antonio Bryant displayed incredibly poor judgement this week. No, not just for his arrest for drunk driving – who buys a Lamborghini in orange? 49ers 24, Rams 23.

New Orleans @ ATLANTA (-3): Jim Mora Sr., father of the head coach of the Falcons and a former head coach in the NFL himself, called QB Michael Vick a “coach killer”. It should be taken with a grain of salt, however – the same day, he called his waitress at Denny’s a “Grand Slam killer”. Saints 23, Falcons 20.

Carolina @ WASHINGTON (+4): RB Clinton Portis’s hand injury will keep him out for the rest of the season, but he’ll keep trying to entertain the press with his costumed antics. Portis said he had hoped to play Dr. Evil, but that Redskins owner Dan Snyder quashed the idea after Portis said Snyder was too short to appear with him as Mini-Me. Panthers 23, Redskins 14.

Chicago @ NEW ENGLAND (-3): How explosive is Chicago’s defense? Ron Rivera just turned down the Raiders’ offensive coordinator job. Bears 16, Patriots 14.

Philadelphia @ INDIANAPOLIS (-9): With Donovan McNabb out for the season, Jeff Garcia takes over at quarterback. To make him feel more comfortable in the pocket, the Eagles have signed his girlfriend, Carmella DeCesare, to karate-kick any blitzing safeties. Colts 29, Eagles 22.

New York Giants @ TENNESSEE (+3): An injury has left him unable to practice much of the week, but Michael Strahan still found a way to get involved. He let Jay Feely kick through the gap in his teeth. Giants 24, Titans 19.

Oakland @ SAN DIEGO (-13): With Lamont Jordan out for the season, the Raiders will be forced to turn to Justin Fargas at running back. Fargas is the son of the actor who played “Huggy Bear”, but it doesn’t take Starsky or Hutch to figure out Oakland’s going to get slapped upside the head. Chargers 30, Raiders 19.

Green Bay @ SEATTLE (-9.5): The Seahawks have activated Matt Hasselbeck and listed him as their third-string quarterback. He won’t be useless to Seattle, however, as if Seneca Wallace’s helmet radio breaks down, the Seahawks will send in plays using Hasselbeck’s shiny dome like an Aldus lamp. Seahawks 31, Packers 16.

Week Twelve Hoser’s Dozers

QB: Charlie Frye, Cleveland Browns – Frye has been consistent all season, and now RB Reuben Droughns is questionable and a weak Cincy defense is in town. Frye has a great future – too bad the rest of the team is full of Dr. Zoidbergs.

RB: Correll Buckhalter, Philadelphia Eagles – He sounds like an Ivy League economist, but Buckhalter saw increased looks from QB Jeff Garcia. Buckhalter will be pushing to impress for the upcoming free-agent market, and that means more dough in his pocket next season – and fantasy points in yours this week.

TE: Jeff Dugan, Minnesota Vikings – In his first action since being drafted in 2004, Dugan hauled in three passes for 20 yards. Against a lousy Cardinals defense, Dugan could double that and even sneak in a TD – if a 6-4, 258-pound guy can sneak anything in.

Lock of the Week: New Orleans

Trifecta: New Orleans, Jacksonville, Arizona

Week Eleven:

9-6-1 ATS

12-4 SU

0-1 LOTW

0-1 Trifecta



73-84-2 ATS

101-58 SU

2-9 Lock

1-10 Trifecta


Wednesday, November 22, 2006

An abbreviated Thanksgiving version of The Hoser's picks this week -- the rest will follow on Friday morning.

Enjoy the holiday, and remember, there's always room for one more piece of pie -- especially if it's wafer thin!

Miami @ DETROIT (+2.5): While families across America sit down to enjoy the holiday turkey, Lions' fans know theirs is sitting upstairs in a luxury suite somewhere. Dolphins 22, Lions 20.

Tampa Bay @ DALLAS (-11): How the mighty have fallen. While new Dallas QB Tony Romo downplays rumors of a budding relationship with Jessica Simpson, deposed signal caller Drew Bledsoe is emphatically denying a romantic link between him and Mindy Cohn. Cowboys 27, Bucs 17.

Denver @ KANSAS CITY (PK): Two things you can count on -- the Chiefs playing tough at Arrowhead (7-1 ATS last season) and KC tailgaters having cholesterol levels higher than the averages of most PBA members. Chiefs 23, Broncos 21.

Week 12 Hoser's Dozers

Editor's Note: These only apply to players playing Thursday who might bump someone off your normal roster.

WR -- Eddie Kenison, Kansas City: The Broncos have been just average against the pass this season, and the return of Chiefs QB Trent Green will make Kenison as happy as a dog under the Thanksgiving table.

WR -- Wes Welker, Miami: The Lions have given up 16 passing TDs and picked off only five passes this year. Welker will either beat the stuffing out of or make mincemeat of the Detroit secondary, depending whether you go for thirds or head right to the dessert table.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Welcome to Week Eleven of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where, like a farmer in a cow pasture at night, we’re taking it one step at a time.

The Hoser again struggled through a lousy week, going 6-10 against the spread and a tepid 8-8 straight up. We know some of our readers have suggested a hamster could do better, but hey – that’s pretty insulting to the hamster, don’t you think?

This week’s best NFL fun comes courtesy of Oakland Raiders QB Andrew Walters. He said the team’s offensive game plans, drawn up by offensive coordinator Tom Walsh, have been predictable and lacking in depth. Walters later apologized, and added that Walsh also makes a mean bed and sets up an excellent brunch.

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Whitney Houston handle your next mortgage.

Oakland @ KANSAS CITY (-9.5): Raiders wide receiver Randy Moss said this week he may be dropping passes because he’s unhappy and depressed. In an effort to raise Moss’s morale, all linemen will now wear clown suits and every Sunday will be “Dime Bag Day” at McAfee Coliseum. Chiefs 31, Raiders 14.

Indianapolis @ DALLAS (+1): Former Cowboys star running back Emmitt Smith was crowned the champion on “Dancing With The Stars” this week. The show’s judges also gave Colts QB Peyton Manning a special award for his outstanding “Funky Chicken” during audibles. Cowboys 26, Colts 24.

Cincinnati @ NEW ORLEANS (-3.5): Bengals offensive stars Chad Johnson, Carson Palmer, T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Rudi Johnson will soon be honored with special U.S. Postal Service posters and gift sets. On a related note, Cincinnati’s defense is already featured on the back of local milk cartons. Saints 31, Bengals 30.

Pittsburgh @ CLEVELAND (+3.5): Steelers RB Willie Parker was tabbed as the AFC Offensive Player of the Week after gashing the Saints for more than 200 yards and two TDs. Willie Parker’s a great football name, but we still think it’d be even better in the adult film industry. Steelers 23, Browns 20.

Tennessee @ PHILADELPHIA (-13): Titans defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth returns this week from his five-game suspension after his foot’s altercation with Dallas’s Andre Gurode’s head. His teammates chipped in and bought Haynesworth a great welcome-back gift – front-row seats for the touring production of “Stomp”. Eagles 27, Titans 16.

Atlanta @ BALTIMORE (-4): Ravens QB Steve McNair isn’t setting the world on fire this season, but he’s facing a Falcon secondary with more holes than the FOX Network’s ethics department. Seriously, a special on how O.J. would have done it, if he did it? I guess “Naked Gun 33 1/3rd” wasn’t the final insult. Ravens 23, Falcons 17.

St. Louis @ CAROLINA (-6.5): Rams stud OL Orlando Pace is gone for the season, leaving Adam Goldberg to handle … gulp … Julius Peppers. That adds up to St. Louis QB Marc Bulger ending up Marc Flatter. Panthers 23, Rams 17.

Buffalo @ HOUSTON (-2.5): Texans guard Fred Weary was Tasered by police after allegedly refusing to follow their instructions during a traffic stop. The Hoser smells a police brutality suit, as the cops should have known they could easily have just walked right around any Houston offensive lineman to apply the cuffs. Texans 24, Bills 20.

New England @ GREEN BAY (+6): After two poor performances from Tom Brady and losing back-to-back games for the first time since 2002, the Patriots signed ancient QB Vinny Testeverde. This is a similar strategy to trying to save your failing wet T-shirt contest by bringing in Angela Lansbury. Patriots 26, Packers 22.

Washington @ TAMPA BAY (-3): Newly crowned Redskins quarterback Jason Campbell has to be concerned about the franchise’s history with young signal callers, especially considering every time he pulls up to FedEx Field, Patrick Ramsey offers to wash his windshield for a buck. Bucs 19, Redskins 17.

Chicago @ NY JETS (+7): Football card collectors had a laugh this week when it was discovered Jets rookie RB Leon Washington appeared to flipping a double bird to the camera. Washington explained later he was simply honoring one of his favorite players – Michael Irvin – by flashing Irvin’s ACT score. Bears 30, Jets 19.

Minnesota @ MIAMI (-3.5): The Dolphins are hot and the Viking ship is sink … errr, taking on … I shouldn’t mention boats at all, should I? Dolphins 22, Vikings 17.

Detroit @ ARIZONA (-2.5): Tragedy was averted at a mall in Detroit this week when a power outage trapped Lions GM Matt Millen for six hours. Eventually, however, emergency personnel were able to convince Millen to just walk down the escalator. Cardinals 24, Lions 20.

Seattle @ SAN FRANCISCO (+6.5): 49ers head coach Mike Nolan, in honor of both his father and other great coaches such as Tom Landry and Vince Lombardi, will wear a suit and tie this weekend after Reebok developed his outfit to meet its licensing deal with the NFL. Reebok denied, however, that it is working with Detroit assistant coach Joe Cullen on a special sideline birthday suit. Seahawks 27, 49ers 21.

San Diego @ DENVER (-2.5): Chargers running back Ladainian Tomlinson has racked up 15 touchdowns in the past five weeks, which means he’s scoring faster than a James Norton look-alike at a “Desperate Housewives” party. Chargers 24, Broncos 17.

New York Giants @ JACKSONVILLE (-3.5): Jags QB David Garrard was strapped with four INTs last week, even though his Venus De Milo-like receivers tipped two of them and dropped seven others. WR Reggie Williams at least caught the attention of a fan, getting in a yelling match on the sidelines and then fighting with Ernest Wilford. Nope, they don’t miss Byron Leftwich at all, do they? Giants 26, Jaguars 23.

Week Eleven Hoser’s Dozers

QB: Steve McNair, Baltimore Ravens – McNair went off like Robin Williams on meth last week, and there’s no reason to think the Falcons’ 30th-ranked pass defense will slow him down much. Maybe you have a bigger-name quarterback on your roster. Sit him and play McNair.

RB: Marion Barber III, Dallas Cowboys – We’ve seen Barber ranked as low as 29th this week among backs, which is ridiculous. The Colts are dead last against the run and Barber has six TDs in his last eight games. This ain’t no close shave for our friendly Barber – he’ll beat the Schick out of Indy’s D.

WR: Rashied Davis, Chicago Bears -- The Jets have the 30th-ranked defense in the league and with Chicago QB Rex Grossman getting his mojo back, someone besides Mushin Muhammad has to catch the ball. Yes, we know Mark Bradley had a great week last week, but go with the speedy Davis to rip through the secondary like The Hoser through a sushi buffet.

D: Kansas City – The Chiefs are right in the middle of the pack when it comes to total defense, but they have two big plusses in Week 11 – they have 17 takeaways on the season, and they play the Raiders. Add in a due Dante Hall and K.C. could have a huge day.

K: Olindo Mare, Miami Dolphins – Mare isn’t exactly Mr. Accuracy this season (14-for-22), but at least he’s getting some chances. He’s also knocked down six treys in the past three weeks, and the Vikings have given up the second-most field goals in the league this season. Give him a shot and you could be singing, “Oh! Mare!”

Lock of the Week: New York Giants

Trifecta: New York Giants, San Diego, Dallas

Week Ten:

6-10 ATS

8-8 SU

0-1 LOTW

0-1 Trifecta



64-78-1 ATS

89-54 SU

2-8 Lock

1-9 Trifecta


Thursday, November 09, 2006

Welcome to Week Ten of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where at least we had a better week than the Republicans.

The Hoser improved a bit, although going 8-6 straight up and 5-9 against the spread only looks good when you’ve picking winners with the same success rate as Britney Spears in the husband pool.

In the fun NFL fight of the week, Oakland defensive lineman Tyler Brayton was fined $25,000 for kneeing Seattle tight end Jerramy Stevens in the groin at the end of their contest in Week 9. Stevens was not seriously hurt in the altercation, but team doctors said after the game he was a little testes with them.

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having John Daly as your marriage counselor.

Kansas City @ MIAMI (+1): Dolphins head coach Nick Saban said criticism of his team by Bob Kuechenberg helped spur his team to its win over Chicago. This confused us until The Hoser realized Kuechenberg was a member of the 1972 Dolphins and not Bill Kirkenbauer, the male lead in the ABC ‘80s sitcom “Just The Ten Of Us”. Chiefs 29, Dolphins 20.

Houston @ JACKSONVILLE (-10.5): It didn’t go well for Kinky Friedman on Tuesday night, and it’s gonna go even worse for the Texans this weekend. Jaguars 27, Texans 13.

San Diego @ CINCINNATI (+1.5): Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer said he will be giving football fans an early Christmas gift. This week, instead of tearing a phony name off the back of wide receiver Chad Johnson’s jersey, Palmer will tear out Johnson’s tongue. Chargers 23, Bengals 20.

Cleveland @ ATLANTA (-7.5): Falcons QB Michael Vick may have a career in the movies. After last week’s performance against Detroit, he’s up for the title role in a remake of “The Man Who Fell To Earth”. Falcons 26, Browns 16.

Baltimore @ TENNESSEE (+7.5): There’s both good and bad to head coach Brian Billick’s successful return to play calling for the Ravens. It’s great that Baltimore’s offense is firing on all cylinders, but Billick’s head may swell up enough to cause eclipses in neighboring states. Ravens 24, Titans 10.

Buffalo @ INDIANAPOLIS (-11.5): With running back Willis McGahee out with a few broken ribs, the Bills will turn to Anthony Davis, a veteran with a great nickname – “A-Train”. It even sort of mirrors QB J.P. Losman’s nickname, or at least the word Buffalo fans say every time he drops back to throw – “F-Bomb.” Colts 33, Bills 19.

New Orleans @ PITTSBURGH (-4): Another week of the Steelers being inexplicably favoured against a better team. Does Bill Cowher have pictures of Danny Sheridan naked with Bea Arthur or what? Saints 26, Steelers 20.

Washington @ PHILADELPHIA (-7): Eagles QB Donovan McNabb unveiled his new “Super Five” clothing line this week, which features hooded sweatshirts, vests and knit sweaters. Not to be overshadowed, the Redskins’ secondary also debuted its brand of fire-retardant sportswear named “Burnt Toast”. Eagles 28, Redskins 17.

Chicago @ N.Y. GIANTS (-2.5): The Hoser finally jumps on the Bears’ bandwagon and bang! – it collapses. Hey, we didn’t see the “Not Safe For Backbacon Inhaling Canadians” sign. Giants 20, Bears 16.

Green Bay @ MINNESOTA (-5): Ahhh, Minnesota, the “Land of 10,000 Lakes” … and zero offensive creativity. Scoring three points against the 49ers is like striking out on a date with Paris Hilton. Vikings 17, Packers 16.

N.Y. Jets @ NEW ENGLAND (-10.5): The Hoser was poking around the Patriots’ web site, looking for some inside info, when he came across this gem of a quote from center Dan Koppen after the Indianapolis game – “We don’t want to lose around here.” And you wonder why sportswriters always seem to have an open beer next to them. Patriots 24, Jets 21.

San Francisco @ DETROIT (-6): One win does not stop the Matt Millen joke train! So …
Matt Millen walks into a UPS Store and asks for a box two inches high, two inches wide and 50 feet long.
The clerk looks at Millen and says, “What would you want a box like that for?"
"Well,” Millen says, "my neighbor moved away but left some stuff in the garage, so he asked me to send him his garden hose." Lions 23, 49ers 13.

Denver @ OAKLAND (+9): Raiders head coach Art Shell looked mortified Monday night after his quarterback was sacked nine times in a loss to Seattle. Seriously, Andrew Walters spent more time on his ass than Don Quixote. Broncos 29, Raiders 7.

St. Louis @ SEATTLE (-3.5): St. Louis fans have to be a little disturbed that Rams head coach Scott Linehan was mentored by recently fired Mighigan State head coach John L. Smith. That’s like finding out your nanny was referred by Michael Jackson. Seahawks 24, Rams 20.

Tampa Bay @ CAROLINA (-9.5): Hey, remember when Bucs head coach Jon Gruden was a genius? Panthers 30, Buccaneers 17.

Dallas @ ARIZONA (+7): The Hoser and his lovely wife have been taking odds on our seven-month-old daughter’s first word. “Mama” is at 2:1, “kitty” is at 4:1, and “Obafemi Ayanbadejo” is at about the same odds as Dennis Green having a job at the end of the season. Cowboys 31, Cardinals 21.

Lock of the Week: New Orleans

Trifecta: New Orleans, Detroit, Kansas City

Week Nine:

5-9 ATS
8-6 SU
0-1 LOTW
0-1 Trifecta


58-68-1 ATS
81-46 SU
2-7 Lock
1-8 Trifecta

And here’s our new weekly feature, The Hoser’s Three Great White (North) Hopes. These are our three guys to surprise on your fantasy roster this weekend:

Anthony Thomas, RB, Buffalo – With McGahee out and the Colts defense handing out rushing yardage like half-priced Halloween candy, the “A-Train” should make at least one stop in the Indianapolis end zone. He’s also a solid pick-up for the remainder of the season.

David Martin, TE, Green Bay – When Brett Favre is short on guys he recognizes to throw passes, the veterans benefit, i.e. Donald Driver seeing more balls than … well, we’ll pass on the cheap Tyler Brayton joke. Martin, however, has caught four balls in each of the last two games and scored two TDs in the last three weeks.

Detroit, D – No, the Lions aren’t particularly wonderful, but they’re playing San Francisco this week, and the 49er red zone offense is softer than ice cream on the beach. Also, an ugly minus-7 turnover ratio means cheap points for you, needy owner.