Friday, October 23, 2009

Welcome to Week Seven of the 2009 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where the Heene family probably had a better week.

The Hoser limped to a miserable 5-9 record against the spread and was just 9-5 straight up. Fortunately, the Falcons came through for our Lock of the Week, making the total losses a manageable $40. That looks like a win compared to Week Five.

A shout out to Joe Bryant of the estimable for linking to Oakland wide receiver Louis Murphy’s tremendous effort on teammate Zach Miller’s touchdown last week. If the Democrats were that persistent, you’d all have health-care coverage by now.

A 1,000-pound wooden carving of former Buffalo Bills running back Thurman Thomas was retrieved after it was saved from some fans trying to burn it. The San Diego Chargers heard and immediately signed the statue to a two-year deal.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as dressing up as a wolf for Halloween in Sarah Palin’s neighborhood.

San Diego (-4.5) at KANSAS CITY [43.5]: Interesting that the Chiefs have a kicker named Ryan Succop when that’s what Baltimore kicker Steven Hauschka may have do to keep his job. Chargers 24, Chiefs 17.

Indianapolis (-13) at ST. LOUIS [45.5]: Former Rams superstar Marshall Faulk may be added to a group trying to buy the franchise. Forget that – suit him up. Colts 30, Rams 10.

Chicago (+1.5) at CINCINNATI [41.5]: Think the Bears will look across the field on Sunday and think, “Man, there’s no way that’s the SAME Cedric Benson.” Bengals 21, Bears 19.

Green Bay (-7) at CLEVELAND [41.5]: Special Browns promotion this weekend – donate $100 or more to any approved charity and play one whole series at quarterback! Packers 27, Browns 16.

Minnesota (+4) at PITTSBURGH [45]: Nothing could possibly ruin this game – unless somehow Chip Caray ends up as the play-by-play announcer. Steelers 24, Vikings 21.

New England (+14.5) at TAMPA BAY [45]: There always seems to be a bit of a cultural backlash against the NFL and Americans when it plays in England – but then we remember these people thought The Sex Pistols ruled and Princess Diana was hot. Patriots 31, Buccaneers 14.

San Francisco (+3) at HOUSTON [44]: Your NFL leader in passing touchdowns? Matt Schaub. Yes, we keep rubbing our eyes as we read that, too. Texans 27, 49ers 20.

New York Jets (-6) at OAKLAND [34.5]: Mattel is working on a new Transformers/NFL crossover toy. The first release features Mark Sanchez as the leader of the “Intercepticons.” Jets 23, Raiders 19.

Buffalo (+7) at CAROLINA [37.5]: Think Bills fans are reminiscing fondly about the good old J.P. Losman days? Panthers 20, Bills 17.

New Orleans (-7) at MIAMI [47]: The Dolphins could have another celebrity owner coming on board – Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas. Perhaps given her penchant for peeing in her pants, Miami can sell new t-shirts with her face and the slogan “URINE TROUBLE NOW!” Saints 33, Dolphins 23.

Atlanta (+4) at DALLAS [47.5]: You know Wade Phillips sucks when people are speculating 0-6 Jeff Fisher could replace him next season. Falcons 23, Cowboys 22.

Arizona (+7) at NY GIANTS [46]: That deafening silence you hear is Giants linebacker Antonio Pierce shutting the hell up. Giants 29, Cardinals 23.

Philadelphia (-7) at WASHINGTON [38]: Washington head coach Jim Zorn has been forced to give up his play-calling duties despite being hired as an offensive-minded coach. That’s like bringing Ron Jeremy onto a film shoot and telling him to keep his pants on. Eagles 31, Racists 17.

Lock of the Week: Green Bay

Trifecta: Green Bay, Indianapolis, New Orleans

2009 Week Six Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 9-5
Against The Spread: 5-9
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-40

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 65-25
Against The Spread: 47-43
Lock of the Week: 2-4
Trifecta: 1-5
Money: $-1,180

2009 Week Six Money Spent: $30
2009 Week Six Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $115
2009 Season Money Made: $100
2009 Total: $-15

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.


Anonymous said...

Golly! You are so whitty. Does Dennis Miller know that you stole his persona?

Wayne Frazer said...

How does someone get "persona" right and "witty" wrong?