Thursday, October 01, 2009

Welcome to Week Four of the 2009 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where after last week, we'd have Nostradamus cowering in the corner and mumbling about Hister.

The Hoser pounded it like schnitzel in Week Three to the tune of 12-4 against the spread and 13-3 straight up. We also tabbed Green Bay for the Lock of the Week and added Denver and Indianapolis for the Trifecta, scoring a nifty $1,160 profit.

This puts us in the black for what most likely will be the last time this season, as we’re starting to hit bye weeks. That ups the Lock to $500 per week, and as you all know, our grasp on the Lock is about as solid as Amy Winehouse’s on reality.

We’re altering our bet on which NFL coach will be fired first from San Diego’s Norv Turner to Washington’s Jim Zorn. Turner hasn’t gotten any smarter, but how can Zorn stand there during a loss to the Lions looking as if he’s getting his shoes shined? We hear Mike Shanahan and Jon Gruden are possible replacements, and both of them would have appeared to have been getting a watermelon colonoscopy during that game.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as driving around with your windows down singing “Don’t Stop Believin’” along with the cast of “Glee” on your iPod – not that The Hoser actually got busted doing that, ahem, but it just wouldn’t be advisable.

Oakland (+9.5) at HOUSTON [41] – You can go ahead and get your Michael Vick Raiders jerseys printed now. Texans 30, Raiders 17.

Tennessee (-2.5) at JACKSONVILLE [41] – Titans quarterback Kerry Collins threw 13 straight incompletions last week. The Hoser would have about the same rate of completed passes at the Playboy Mansion. Titans 24, Jags 20.

Baltimore (+2) at NEW ENGLAND [44.5] – We really, really want to pick the Ravens in this game, but it just feels weird. Going against the Pats seems like saying we think the sun revolves around the Earth. Patriots 26, Ravens 21.

Cincinnati (-5.5) at CLEVELAND [38] – It’s hard to think of this “The Battle of Ohio” when the Browns are the equivalent of the Swiss Navy. Bengals 21, Browns 17.

N.Y. Giants (-9) at KANSAS CITY [42.5] -- The front page for the web site of the Kansas City Chiefs shows head coach Todd Haley standing still with blurred players streaking by him. Unfortunately, it’s going to be like that all season for the Chiefs. Giants 30, Chiefs 16.

Detroit (+11) at CHICAGO [39] – One losing streak ends and another begins. Bears 24, Lions 17.

Tampa Bay (+7) at WASHINGTON [37] – This game’s a dog, but for fun, watch for Washington owner Dan Snyder in his luxury box, and then try to guess how many phone books he’s sitting on to be able to see over the bar. Racists 17, Buccaneers 14.

Seattle (+10.5) at INDIANAPOLIS [44] – Forget steroids. We want the NFL to investigate whether the Colts have a stud wide receiver cloning facility located under Lucas Oil Stadium. Colts 30, Seahawks 16.

New York Jets (+6.5) at NEW ORLEANS [45.5] – Stay far, far away from betting on this game. Pretend it’s a sitcom on NBC. Saints 26, Jets 24.

Buffalo (+2) at MIAMI [36.5] – The Dolphins have lost quarterback Chad Pennington to a season-ending shoulder injury. Couldn’t Pennington be just as effective throwing with his left arm? Bills 20, Dolphins 17.

St. Louis (+10) at SAN FRANCISCO [37.5] – The Rams may have lost Marc Bulger for this week, but we hear Peter North is available. 49ers 23, Rams 16.

Dallas (-4) at DENVER [43.5] – The Hoser sent a staff member to the Cowboys’ web site to find something funny to say this week, but instead we ended up with a keyboard covered in drool and a hard drive full of downloaded photos. Damn you, Cage Dancers! Broncos 23, Cowboys 20.

San Diego (+6.5) at PITTSBURGH [43] – Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger will be hosting WWE Raw on Monday evening. We’ll donate $50 to the favourite charity of the wrestler who walks out wearing a motorcycle helmet. Steelers 24, Chargers 20.

Green Bay (+3.5) at MINNESOTA [46] – We would have been much more amenable to seeing Brett Favre return if we had known the Vikings would be putting Trent Dilfer’s brain in Favre’s head. Packers 27, Vikings 21.

Lock of the Week: Green Bay
Trifecta: Green Bay, Denver, New England
Over/Under Good Buys: Houston/Oakland Over

2009 Week Three Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 13-3
Against The Spread: 12-4
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $1,160

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 37-11
Against The Spread: 29-19
Lock of the Week: 1-2
Trifecta: 1-2
Money: $410

2009 Week Three Money Spent: $15
2009 Week Three Money Made: $50
2009 Season Money Spent: $55
2009 Season Money Made: $100
2009 Total: $45

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.


Anonymous said...

After winning last week, I am slightly hesistant this week.

So far, the giants seem like a good pick.

I will pick a few more and post them if you are interested.

Anonymous said...

I also like the 49ers