Friday, October 30, 2009

Welcome to 2009 Week Eight, our Halloween edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we did the Monster Mash on other handicappers.

The Hoser’s lucky number is 13, and the 13-game schedule last week was certainly lucky for us. We drilled the point spread to the tune of 9-3-1, were 10-3 straight up and hit both our Lock of the Week and the Trifecta.

This week NFL commissioner Roger Goodell spoke to a Congressional panel and would not say there was a connection between head injuries and later brain diseases, which makes us wonder how many head injuries he’s suffered.

The Hoser has set up a terrifying display in his front yard. Local kids will be escorted in and seated in a mock NFL draft. They'll enjoy soda and treats for a minutes or two until their name is called by ... the Raiders! Oh, the horror!

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as coaches running concussed players back out onto the field too soon.

Denver (+3.5) at BALTIMORE [41]: We’ve seen some hideous monsters, but nothing could be more hideous than those freaking socks the Broncos keep insisting on wearing. Broncos 21, Ravens 20.

Cleveland (+13.5) at CHICAGO [40]: Last week the Bengals turned the Bears defense from the “Monsters of the Midway” to the “Wimps of the Windy City.” The Browns stink, but not two touchdowns’ worth. Bears 26, Browns 14.

Houston (-3.5) at BUFFALO [40.5]: We think Terrell Owens would rather see Freddy Krueger in his dreams than Dick Jauron. Talk about your “Nightmare on Bills Drive.” Texans 23, Bills 16.

Minnesota (+3) at GREEN BAY [47]: Former Packers quarterback Brett Favre makes his first stop in Lambeau Field as the enemy in what will be billed as the “Attack of the 50-Foot Ego.” Packers 26, Vikings 21.

San Francisco (+12) at INDIANAPOLIS [44.5]: Quarterback Alex Smith returns as the starter after almost a year on the bench. Call it “Plan 49er From Outer Space,” and expect it to work just as well. Colts 28, 49ers 17.

Miami (+3.5) at NEW YORK JETS [40.5]: There’s not much scary about Dolphins, but just picture Jets’ head coach Rex Ryan butt naked in a pile of Halloween candy. Jets 22, Dolphins 19.

St. Louis (+3) at DETROIT [42]: We’d rather watch “Saw VI.” Lions 24, Rams 20.

Seattle (+9.5) at DALLAS [45]: Talk about your Jekyll and Hyde act – the Cowboys have all the consistency of a trip to the can the morning after a Taco Bell dinner. Cowboys 23, Seahawks 20.

Oakland (+17) at SAN DIEGO [41.5]: Separated at birth: Raiders owner Al Davis and “The Cryptkeeper.” Chargers 30, Raiders 16.

Jacksonville (-3) at TENNESSEE [45]: Titans coach Jeff Fisher stars in a remake of an old horror classic – “The Incredible Shrinking Respect For A Head Coach.” Still, they get their first win this week. Titans 22, Jaguars 17.

Carolina (+9) at ARIZONA [42.5]: In the holiday spirit, expect Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme to hand out footballs to Arizona defensive backs. Cardinals 26, Panthers 19.

New York Giants (+1) at PHILADELPHIA [44.5]: Forget the Great Pumpkin – this is the time every year when the ghost of Joe Pisarcik rises from the turf and vainly searches to hand a football to Herm Edwards. Too bad the game’s in Philly. Giants 26, Eagles 23.

Atlanta (+10) at NEW ORLEANS [54]: We’re pretty sure there was some voodoo magic going on after the Saints rose from the dead against the Dolphins last week, but it won’t be needed against the Falcons. Saints 31, Falcons 23.

Lock of the Week: NY Giants

Trifecta: Seattle, NY Giants, Tennessee

2009 Week Seven Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 10-3
Against The Spread: 9-3-1
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $1,670

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 75-28
Against The Spread: 56-46-1
Lock of the Week: 3-4
Trifecta: 2-5
Money: $490

2009 Week Seven Money Spent: $20
2009 Week Seven Money Made: $50
2009 Season Money Spent: $135
2009 Season Money Made: $150
2009 Total: $15

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

No comments: