Thursday, September 04, 2008

Welcome to Week One of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where like a masochist with a wad of twenties, we’re back for more punishment.

The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Part of our last season crashed and burned, but our records show The Hoser was 113-102-9 ATS, 145-79 SU, 4-9 on the Lock and 1-12 for the Trifecta. We managed to lose nearly $4K during the season, but the postseason helped us out.

All of that leads us to this final sentence, a version of which you’ll see every week:

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Tatum Bell pick up your luggage at the airport.

Washington (+4) at NY GIANTS – O/U 41: With the retirement of Michael Strahan this offseason and the loss of Osi Umenyiora in the preseason, the Giants now have a bigger gap in their D-Line than the one in Strahan’s mouth. Still, New York has enough to turn back these racists. Giants 23, God Just Change Your Name Alreadys 16.

Cincinnati (-1) at BALTIMORE – O/U 39.5: Our understanding is that Ravens’ quarterbacks coach Hue Jackson is about to be fired in favour of Dr. Gregory House. At least Troy Smith gets unlimited ice cream. Bengals 22, Ravens 13.

N.Y. Jets (-3) at MIAMI – O/U 36: All hail the new God, the savior of the franchise, the man you long-suffering fans have been clamoring for … Chad Pennington! Dolphins 26, Jets 24.

NEW ENGLAND (-16.5) at Kansas City – O/U 46: More than two touchdowns in a season opener with a possibly banged-up Tom Brady under centre? Hey, have you looked at the Chiefs’ roster? Patriots 37, Chiefs 17.

Houston (+7) at PITTSBURGH – O/U 43.5: Every year, hope springs anew for fans in the Houston area … and then the Texans are forced to actually start playing. Steelers 26, Houston 20.

Jacksonville (-3) at TENNESSEE – O/U 37.5: Nothing funny here – just say a prayer for Jags OT Richard Collier. Jaguars 29, Titans 13.

Detroit (-3) at ATLANTA – O/U 41: Can we safely stop coming up with Matt Millen jokes and start working on some Michael Vick material? Lions 27, Falcons 17.

Seattle (PK) at BUFFALO – O/U 39: Did the same panel that helped John McCain select his VP choice Sarah Palin also advise the Seahawks on their receiving corps for this season? Bills 20, Seahawks 17.

Tampa Bay (+3.5) at NEW ORLEANS – O/U 42.5: Our thoughts are with everyone down in the Gulf Coast this week – and our middle fingers are up for the Bucs’ front-office staff. Why the hell did it take this long to release Chris Simms? Saints 27, Bucs 19.

St. Louis (+7.5) at PHILADELPHIA – O/U 44.5: Odds on the Eagles covering – very good. Odds on Donovan McNabb actually playing a full season – very bad. Eagles 29, Rams 17.

Dallas (-5) at CLEVELAND – O/U 49: This game will be like an old man wearing Crocs at the mall – there’s just no defense. Cowboys 34, Browns 23.

Carolina (+9) at SAN DIEGO – O/U 42: We went looking for a joke about Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman’s two torn knee ligaments and instead found videos of amputees in bikinis. Explain yourself, Google! Chargers 24, Panthers 22.

Arizona (-2.5) at SAN FRANCISCO – O/U 42: J.T. O’Sullivan? Seriously? Cardinals 31, 49ers 13.

INDIANAPOLIS (-9.5) at Chicago – O/U 44.5: The good news – Peyton Manning will play. The bad news – so will one of the Bears’ quarterbacks. Colts 30, Bears 16.

GREEN BAY (-3) at Minnesota – O/U 38.5: We love new Packer QB Aaron Rodgers, but talk about a tough gig. This is like following Ron Jeremy on set. Vikings 22, Packers 20.

Denver (-3) at OAKLAND – O/U 41.5: Raiders wideout Javon Walker has repeatedly spoken of quitting football during training camp and now has a hamstring pull … and he’s Oakland’s No. 1 receiver! God we love Al Davis! Broncos 26, Raiders 19.

Lock of the Week: Arizona

Trifecta: Arizona, Jacksonville, Detroit

Over/Under Good Buys: Dolphins/Jets Over

No comments: