Friday, September 19, 2008

Welcome to Week Three of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where our focus makes Paula Abdul look like Garry Kasparov.

A lapse in concentration cost us a huge week. We spent three days trumpeting Arizona again to our friends – and for some reason we instead put Atlanta down as our Lock of the Week and in the Trifecta. That simple gaffe wiped out a monster 10-3-2 ATS effort to go with an 11-4 straight up performance.

Still, we pocketed $150 (instead of $1,050 – argh!) and through the first two weeks, we’re up $190. We’re not breaking the bank, but we’re not looking like the Lehman Brothers, either.

What is with the proliferation of bad quarterbacking this season? Not only do you have old guys popping up everywhere, but even some of the young bucks are stinking it up. Carson Palmer, are you listening? We’d bet the Bengal front office is looking for Akili Smith’s phone number right about now.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Al Davis speak at your workplace about job security.

Kansas City (+5.5) at ATLANTA – O/U 36: Matt Ryan vs. Tyler Thigpen. Man, that’ll put the butts in the seats! Maybe Atlanta’s learned to run twice for every pass attempt. Falcons 23, Chiefs 14.

Oakland (+9) at BUFFALO – O/U 37:
Justin Fargas finally looks like he’s going to shine for the Raiders, and then he injures his groin again. Forget “Huggy Bear Jr.” – dude just needs a hug. Bills 22, Raiders 17.

Houston (+5.5) at TENNESSEE – O/U 38.5: Didn’t anyone in the Texans’ organization consider they might want to make the new stadium just slightly hurricane resistant? Where was that blueprint drawn up – Haiti? Titans 21, Texans 17.

Cincinnati (+13) at N.Y. GIANTS – O/U 41.5: This line looks way too big until we consider a) the Giants beats the Rams last week by 28, and b) The Bengals suck almost as badly as the Rams. Giants 34, Bengals 17.

Arizona (+3) at WASHINGTON – O/U 42:
There is a downside to Kurt Warner’s resurgence – Matt Leinart may now have time to impregnate the entire Arizona State University women’s basketball team. Cardinals 30, Racist Jerks 17.

Miami (+13) at NEW ENGLAND – O/U 35.5: Dolphins receiver Ted Ginn Jr., will finally show up this week – on the back of Miami-area milk cartons. Patriots 29, Dolphins 17.

Tampa Bay (+3.5) at CHICAGO – O/U 35.5: We love Da Bears, but when Brandon Lloyd is your top option at wideout, you’re in for a longgggg season. Bears 20, Bucs 17.

Carolina (+3) at MINNESOTA – O/U 37:
We’d have to think Viking fans can’t be too thrilled about the Tarvaris Jackson experiment ending only to see Gus Frerotte trot out to take his place. That’s like replacing Charles Nelson Reilly with Jm J. Bullock. Panthers 20, Vikings 14.

St. Louis (+9) at SEATTLE – O/U 44: The Seahawks signed Koren Robinson and traded for Keary Colbert this week to shore up their wide receiving corps. Couldn’t they find better hands down at Pike Place Fish Market? Seahawks 29, Rams 22.

Detroit (+4.5) at SAN FRANCISCO – O/U 46: A 12-year-old Lions fan approaches Matt Millen at a game and says, "I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw you and your wife doing it. Nyah, nyah, nyah!" Millen answers, "The joke's on you, kid – I wasn't even home last night!" 49ers 23, Lions 20.

New Orleans (+5) at DENVER – O/U 51: This contest should be listed as “New Orleans at Enver,” because there’s no “D” to be found. Broncos 30, Saints 22.

Pittsburgh (+3) at PHILADELPHIA – O/U 45.5: When he gets married, do you think DeSean Jackson will drop his wife right outside the honeymoon suite door? Eagles 28, Steelers 24.

Jacksonville (+6) at INDIANAPOLIS – O/U 41.5: The Colts won last week with a grand total of 25 rushing yards. They might only need 20 this week. Colts 30, Jaguars 17.

Cleveland (+2) at BALTIMORE – O/U 39: Can we officially change the cliché to “soft as Donte Stallworth”? This guy plays about as often as a Village People 8-track. Ravens 19, Browns 16.

Dallas (-3) at GREEN BAY – O/U 52: Cowboys WR Terrell Owens said last week he and Eagles QB Donovan McNabb didn’t get along in Philly because McNabb was jealous of TO’s popularity. Yeah, we’re sure it had nothing to do with Owens being a self-centered douchebag. Cowboys 30, Packers 26.

Lock of the Week: Arizona

Trifecta: Arizona, Indianapolis, New York Giants

Over/Under Good Buys: Cleveland/Baltimore UNDER, Jacksonville/Indianapolis OVER

Week Two Results:

Straight Up: 11-4

Against The Spread: 10-3-2

Lock of the Week: 0-1

Trifecta: 0-1

Money Banked: $+150

Season Results:

Straight Up: 20-11

Against The Spread: 18-11-2

Lock of the Week: 1-1

Trifecta: 1-1

Money Banked: $+190

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

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