Friday, October 31, 2008

Welcome to Week Nine of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re wondering what Mike Singletary’s boxers would fetch on eBay.

The Hoser went 11-3 straight up and 7-7 against the spread in Week 8, missing both the Trifecta and the Lock of the Week. It’s a hard, hard day when we make the Lock Carolina 27-21, the final’s 27-23 – and we lose. Yes, yes – put away your little violins, you bastards.

Much noise has been made recently about our refusal to use Washington’s nickname in our picks. It’s pretty simple, folks – the word “redskin” refers to the scalps traded in by English settlers for money, and eventually became a pejorative toward Native Americans themselves. Nothing at all offensive or terrible about it, right? Keep telling yourself that.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having the Marshall University Marching Thunder feng shui your football stadium.

Houston (+4.5) at MINNESOTA – O/U 47: Vikings defensive tackle Pat Williams says his case is different than the others who tested positive for taking diuretics. We’re sure it is, as “weight loss” and “Pat Williams” have never appeared in the same story before. Texans 22, Vikings 19.

Jacksonville (-8) at CINCINNATI – O/U 40.5: Congratulations to Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson, who has 32 receptions thus far this year. Hell, Johnson mentions his own name more times than that in an average five-minute interview. Jaguars 30, Bengals 16.

Tampa Bay (-9) at KANSAS CITY – O/U 36: Too bad for the Chiefs they can’t push around opponents the way Larry Johnson pushes around women. Seriously, get this jerk out of the league and into some therapy. Buccaneers 27, Chiefs 20.

Baltimore (+1.5) at CLEVELAND – O/U 36: Free agents are apparently clamoring to have a chance to play for the Browns. Something about swollen testicles and staph infections being the new black. Browns 23, Ravens 17.

New York Jets (+5.5) at BUFFALO – O/U 42: Lessee – 15 Brett Favre picks in seven games. That works out to about 35 picks for the year – not to mention an 8-8 record and no trip to the postseason. Hey, great pick-up, though! Bills 26, Jets 19.

Arizona (+3) at ST LOUIS – O/U 48.5: It’s not the return of Cardinals QB Kurt Warner that scares St. Louis fans. It’s the thought that his wife Brenda might go back to her old hairstyle. (Hint hint – babe alert! Schwing!) Rams 24, Cardinals 23.

Detroit (+12.5) at CHICAGO – O/U 43.5: It’s entirely possible Kyle Orton could break 4,000 passing yards. Not this season – just this week against the Lions. Bears 28, Lions 17.

Green Bay (+5) at TENNESSEE – O/U 42: Reading a little history about the Packers left us with one question – why aren’t there famous people named “Curly” any more? Titans 22, Packers 19.

Miami (+3.5) at DENVER – O/U 49: Dear Ted Ginn, Jr: We carried your sorry butt all year in our keeper league but had to drop you last week. Thanks, you ungrateful bastard. Broncos 30, Dolphins 23.

Atlanta (-3) at OAKLAND – O/U 41: We thought the Raiders were breaking out the Halloween decorations a little early, but it turns out that Cryptkeeper mannequin up in the luxury suites is actually Al Davis. Falcons 23, Raiders 17.

Dallas (+8.5) at N.Y. GIANTS – O/U 41: We were considering sending an email to Terrell Owens suggesting if he wasn’t handling enough balls, he could try his own in the shower. But given the number of passes he drops over the middle, we’re not sure he has any. Giants 29, Cowboys 20.

Philadelphia (-6.5) at SEATTLE – O/U 43.5: We would say this is the week Philly drops the hammer, but against Seattle, it’s more like Whack-A-Mole. Eagles 33, Seahawks 17.

New England (+6) at INDIANAPOLIS – O/U 44.5: We were about to cue up something about how the mighty have fallen, but lo and behold, the Pats are 5-2. Someone buy Matt Cassel a beer and a little respect! Colts 23, Pats 20.

Pittsburgh (+2) at WASHINGTON – O/U 37: Do you think African-Americans would play in Washington if the team was called the "Blackskins"? Steelers 20, Those Backwards, Misguided People 17.

Lock of the Week: Philadelphia

Trifecta: Philadelphia, Jacksonville, Denver

Over/Under Good Buys: Philly/Seattle Over

Week Eight Results:

Straight Up: 11-3

Against The Spread: 7-7

Lock of the Week: 0-1

Trifecta: 0-1

Money Banked: $-760

Season Results:

Straight Up: 74-42

Against The Spread: 52-51-3

Lock of the Week: 3-5

Trifecta: 0-8

Money Count: $-2,900

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.


Anonymous said...

Gambling addictions in America are rising at an alarming rate. The National Council on Problem Gambling recently acknowledged the old estimate of one-percent of the population being hooked is no longer valid. They project the number is now closer to four to five percent of the population at risk.

Gambling addictions are among the most destructive of all addictions. The National Gambling Impact Study, commissioned by the Congress of the United States, reveals gambling addictions lead to increased risks of serious health problems, unemployment, divorce, bankruptcy and jail time.

You have the audacity to lobby against the name of a football team and in the same format promote such destructive behavior.
Thats is laughable.

Does bashing the Redskins name make you feel better about the lives you ruin through the promotion of gambling?
This seems to me like the equivilant of a crack dealer being anti-pornography.

Wayne Frazer said...

For those of you who suffer from SRC (Selective Reading Comprehension), we'll quote it again:

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having the Marshall University Marching Thunder feng shui your football stadium.

If you need help with the big words, we'd be glad to send you the Dick & Jane version.

If you think we should stop fighting for the removal of this incredibly offensive name in this format (where, we might add, the audience that needs to hear this message is directly targeted) because someone might be stupid enough to use these predictions for gambling purposes, well, you might be stupid enough to use these predictions for gambling purposes.

Thanks for reading!