Saturday, October 25, 2008

Welcome to Week Eight of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re still trying to figure out how the Republicans are for the middle class and still spending $150K on Sarah Palin’s pantsuits.

The Hoser went 8-6 straight up and 6-8 against the spread in Week 7, missing both the Trifecta and the Lock of the Week. That dismal performance has finally crashed us to the .500 mark for the season, putting us at the same level as any chimp flinging poo at a chart on the wall. Or Norman Chad – same thing.

We could have predicted trouble for Tom Brady. We heard Brady’s doctor asked if Tom had any photos of girlfriend Gisele Bundchen’s burgina.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as not picking up Darius Rucker’s new country album. Yeah, that’s Hootie – and he kicks ass.

Oakland Raiders (+7) at BALTIMORE RAVENS – O/U 36: ESPN’s Chris Berman said it took a long time, but the Raiders finally got Cable last week. We laughed – and then slapped ourselves for it. Ravens 20, Raiders 16.

San Diego Chargers (-3) at NEW ORLEANS SAINTS – O/U 45.5: Several Saints, including RB Deuce McAllister, are under suspicion of violating NFL policy for taking “water pills.” Water pills – doesn’t that mean “ice”? Saints 26, Chargers 20.

Kansas City Chiefs (+13.5) at NEW YORK JETS – O/U 39: There is absolutely no freaking way the Jets should be almost two touchdown favourites over anyone – not even the Chiefs. Jets 24, Chiefs 13.

Buffalo Bills (-1.5) at MIAMI DOLPHINS – O/U 42: Home-field advantage isn’t worth that much in Florida to make this less than a field goal. Hell, you can buy an oceanfront condo for $15 or $20 right now, can’t you? Bills 24, Dolphins 17.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+2) at DALLAS COWBOYS – O/U 40.5: As fast as the Cowboys’ star is falling, you’d think John McCain was their offensive coordinator. Buccaneers 26, Cowboys 23.

Atlanta Falcons (+9) at PHILADELPHIA EAGLES – O/U 45.5: Has anyone else noticed how Michael Turner rocks against crappy defenses and stinks against good ones? The Eagles have a pretty good one. Eagles 31, Falcons 17.

St. Louis Rams (+7.5) at NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS – O/U 43: Did the Patriots suddenly get that good? Nope, the Chargers just sucked that badly. Patriots 24, Rams 22.

Arizona Cardinals (+4) at CAROLINA PANTHERS – O/U 43: After the broken bone in his sinus cavity, does Arizona receiver Anquan Boldin have more of a nose for the ball or less? Panthers 27, Cardinals 21.

Washington Redskins (-7.5) at DETROIT LIONS – O/U 42.5: We’re wondering if Rudi Johnson ever got his clothes back? Racists 31, Lions 13.

Cleveland Browns (+6.5) at JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS – O/U 41.5: Best line heard this week -- Deadspin’s Charlie Kelley says Browns TE Kellen Winslow Jr. swollen testicles were so big, even Braylon Edwards wouldn’t drop them. Genius, my friend. Jaguars 31, Browns 20.

New York Giants (+2.5) at PITTSBURGH STEELERS – O/U 42.5: Easily the game of the week. Think Mewelde Moore might be pinching himself? Giants 23, Steelers 20.

Seattle Seahawks (+5.5) at SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS – O/U 41: We’ll take the 49ers just because new San Fran head coach Mike Singletary once yelled, “GOOD JOB!” at us after a marching band performance at Soldier Field. 49ers 30, Seahawks 20. Yeah -- we were band geeks.

Cincinnati Bengals (+9.5) at HOUSTON TEXANS – O/U 44.5: How can anyone bet against a team with Cedric Benson in its backfield? Texans 24, Bengals 17.

Indianapolis Colts (+3.5) at TENNESSEE TITANS – O/U 41: Which Colts team will show up? Doesn’t matter – either one of them would lose to this Tennessee squad. Titans 24, Colts 20.

Lock of the Week: Carolina

Trifecta: Carolina, Jacksonville, Philadelphia

Over/Under Good Buys:

Week Seven Results:

Straight Up: 8-6

Against The Spread: 6-8

Lock of the Week: 0-1

Trifecta: 0-1

Money Banked: $-960

Season Results:

Straight Up: 63-39

Against The Spread: 45-44-3

Lock of the Week: 3-4

Trifecta: 0-7

Money Count: $-2,140

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

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