Welcome to Week Eight of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where YouTube has us wishing for the return of Terry Tate: Office Linebacker.

Last week was completely freaking awful -- again. Just 7-7 straight up and 5-9 against the spread, the only redeeming feature of Week Seven was our ability to grasp Norv Turner’s complete suckitude in the Lock of the Week. Seriously, Chargers fans, how have you not stormed the front office with torches and pitchforks demanding this guy’s head?

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as signing for Fed Ex shipments out of Yemen.

Denver (+1.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (41.5): We’d count the Broncos out, but from what we’ve heard, one of their quarterbacks is apparently pretty close with some dude named Jesus. 49ers 24, Broncos 20.

Jacksonville (+6.5) at DALLAS (42.5): See above and they’ll win this week, but down the road Jon Kitna doesn’t have a prayer with this group of slags. Cowboys 31, Jaguars 17.

Washington (+2.5) at DETROIT (44): The Lions get Matthew Stafford back under center, and we’ll keep betting this is the week the Racists run out of luck. Lions 23, Racists 21.

Green Bay (+5.5) at NY JETS (42): Jen Sterger could win this game for the Jets by threatening to show the Packers cell-phone shots of Rex Ryan naked in a pair of Crocs. Jets 23, Packers 20.

Carolina (+3) at ST LOUIS (37): There have been some questions about Rams running back Stephen Jackson playing this week after finger surgery. You do realize this guy finished the season with a broken back last year, right? Rams 23, Panthers 14.

Miami (+2.5) at CINCINNATI (43.5): The Dolphins will be pissed after getting jobbed in Pittsburgh last week, while the Bengals will be … uhh, the Bengals. Dolphins 22, Bengals 16.

Buffalo (+8) at KANSAS CITY (45.5): We heard an excellent question posed this week – how can anyone trust Buffalo’s coaching staff when it couldn’t identify Ryan Fitzpatrick as the starter during this year’s training camp? Chiefs 26, Bills 23.

Tampa Bay (+3) at ARIZONA (39.5): We had to read this line two or three times before it sank in – the Bucs are a dog in this game? Dude, when it’s Derek Anderson that supposed gave your team a lift, you’re done. Buccaneers 22, Cardinals 17.

Tennessee (+3) at SAN DIEGO (44): Another mystery line – 5-2 vs. 2-5 and it’s a field goal at home? Again, please bear in mind – Norv Turner is involved. Titans 23, Chargers 17.

Seattle (+2.5) at OAKLAND (42): We wouldn’t have bet on the Rayyydahhhs scoring 59 points the remainder of the season, but how can we bail on them now? Raiders 26, Seahawks 20.

Minnesota (+5) at NEW ENGLAND (44): The question on everyone’s mind is – will Brett play? Our answer is: it doesn’t matter. Patriots 27, Vikings 19.

Pittsburgh (PK) at NEW ORLEANS (43.5): You have to figure Ladell Betts is thinking about changing his last name to “Ebony.” Steelers 22, Saints 19.

Houston (+5.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (49.5): Yeah, yeah, we know, we know – this ain’t your Daddy’s Texans. Still, in the end it’ll be the Colts saying, “Who’s your daddy?” Colts 27, Texans 20.

Lock of the Week: San Francisco

Trifecta: San Francisco, St. Louis, Tampa Bay

2010 Week Seven Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 7-7
Against The Spread: 5-9
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-40

2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 60-46
Against The Spread: 42-56-8
Lock of the Week: 2-5
Trifecta: 0-7
Money: $-4,030

2010 Week 6 Money Spent: $20
2010 Week 6 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $80
2010 Season Money Made: $0
2010 Total: $-80

The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Another miserable week for us. At least we can count on Norv Turner to suck as badly as we do.

2010 Week Seven Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 7-7
Against The Spread: 5-9
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-40

2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 60-46
Against The Spread: 42-56-8
Lock of the Week: 2-5
Trifecta: 0-7
Money: $-4,030

2010 Week 6 Money Spent: $20
2010 Week 6 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $80
2010 Season Money Made: $0
2010 Total: $-80

Welcome to Week Seven of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re lower than whale poop in the Mariana Trench.

We were a lousy 4-7-3 last week against the spread in what is developing into the roughest year The Hoser has ever had. It’s been tougher finding winners in the NFL than tolerance in a room full of Tea Partiers, but we’ll keep plugging along – that $1 we’re raking in every week in AdSense cash makes it all worthwhile.

Deanna Favre said this week faith is helping to get her through her husband’s recent sexting tribulations. We admire that, Deanna – and we also have the number of a couple of good lawyers you can put on retainer right now.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Randy Quaid bunk at your place.

Pittsburgh (-3) at MIAMI (40.5): Steeler fans gave Ben Roethlisberger a big ovation in his first game back after his suspension for maybe or maybe not sexually assaulting a woman. Stay classy, Pittsburgh.

Cincinnati (+3.5) at ATLANTA (42): Hopefully, those disgusting sounds you heard this week were Mike Smith chewing some ass down South. Falcons 24, Bengals 20.

Cleveland (+13.5) at NEW ORLEANS (43.5): See above and insert Sean Peyton where applicable. Saints 34, Browns 10.

Jacksonville (+9) at KANSAS CITY (37.5): Daunte Culpepper’s playing in the UFL and Todd Bouman’s starting for the Jags. C’mon – aren’t there phones in Jacksonville? Chiefs 24, Jaguars 10.

Philadelphia (+3) at TENNESSEE (42.5): Eagles QB Kevin Kolb will be playing for his job – which is absolutely ridiculous. Does Michael Vick have nude photos of Andy Reid? Oh, God. We just threw up in my our mouthes a little. Titans 23, Eagles 21.

Washington (+3) at CHICAGO (40): Strictly a home-team pick, as both of these teams are going nowhere at the same pace. Bears 21, Racists 17.

Buffalo (+13) at BALTIMORE (40): Not even worth trying to analyze. Ravens 24, Bills 10.

San Francisco (-3) at CAROLINA (35.5): The Panther offense has all the firepower of Ben Stein on Ritalin. 49ers 23, Panthers 13.

St. Louis (+3) at TAMPA BAY (38): Yeah, Sam Bradford’s been good early. So was Take That. Rams 22, Buccaneers 19.

Arizona (+6) at SEATTLE (40): We believe in the Cards to the Max. Seahawks 22, Cardinals 20.

New England (+2.5) at SAN DIEGO (47): This line requires you to have faith in the ability of Norv Turner to outcoach Bill Belichick. BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Patriots 26, Chargers 20.

Oakland (+8.5) at DENVER (41.5): Daunte Culpepper’s playing in the UFL and Kyle Boller might starting for the Raiders? Oh, nevermind. Broncos 27, Raiders 17.

Minnesota (+2.5) at GREEN BAY (44): Welcome home, Brett – leave your Crocs at the state line. Vikings 21, Packers 17.

New York Giants (+3) at DALLAS (44): A Cowboys’ win? Our Magic 8-Ball says, “YOU’RE A STRAIGHT-UP MORON.” Where did we buy this thing? Cowboys 26, Giants 19.

Lock of the Week: New England

Trifecta: Dallas, New England, New Orleans

2010 Week Six Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 4-7-3
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-930

2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 53-39
Against The Spread: 37-47-8
Lock of the Week: 1-5
Trifecta: 0-6
Money: $-3,990

2010 Week 6 Money Spent: $15
2010 Week 6 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $60
2010 Season Money Made: $0
2010 Total: $-60

The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

So far this week we're 4-6-3 against the spread and 8-5 straight up. The Falcons have already blown our Lock and Trifecta, but at least Washington lost. That always cheers us up.

Welcome to Week Six of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where after knocking off the Super Bowl champs and then having a bye week to celebrate, we’d give our eyeteeth to be Phoenix quarterback Max Hall.

We were just 7-7 again last week against the spread, which frighteningly enough is an improvement over the early part of the season. We were 8-6 straight up, and Green Bay being forced to dress the ghost of Ron Kramer at tight end blew our Lock and Trifecta.

Fun fact of the week – if you have a massage while drunk or soon after being drunk, there’s an excellent chance it will work the toxins of your system and make you vomit. This can be accomplished more easily by trying to visualize Rex Ryan in a thong.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as dedicating an entire campaign commercial to saying you’re not a witch.

San Diego (-8) at ST. LOUIS (45): Chargers fans aren’t missing Vincent Jackson much after Malcolm Floyd’s performance last week. He’s the best Floyd since Monster Chiller Horror Theater. Chargers 29, Rams 16

Kansas City (+4) at HOUSTON (44.5): The Chiefs have lost to one good team and beaten three mediocre to bad ones. The Texans are up-and-down like guests at a Catholic wedding. When in doubt, take the dog. Texans 23, Chiefs 20

Baltimore (+3) at NEW ENGLAND (44.5): We think the Ravens might be the best team in the league. This game will prove it. Ravens 22, Patriots 17.

New Orleans (-4) at TAMPA BAY (43): The Saints have all the ground attack of the Swiss Army. Good thing Drew Brees makes it unnecessary to have this week. Saints 27, Buccaneers 17

Atlanta (+2.5) at PHILADELPHIA (42.5): Line of the week – Bill Maher on Michael Vick’s injury: “Since he’s unable to play this week, he should be put down.” Falcons 22, Eagles 20

Detroit (+10) at NY GIANTS (44.5): The Lions rolled up 44 points last week, and the line gives them around 17 this week. We’ll bump that a bit for the road cover. Giants 27, Lions 20

Seattle (+6.5) at CHICAGO (37.5): New Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch says he goes into “Beast Mode” when he’s running the ball. Expect Chicago’s run defense to make that “Least Mode.” Bears 22, Seahawks 14

Miami (+3) at GREEN BAY (43.5): Aaron Rodgers is not a sure thing for this game. Stay far, far away. Packers 24, Dolphins 17.

Cleveland (+13.5) at PITTSBURGH (37.5): Rookie QB Colt McCoy makes his NFL debut on Sunday, and the only thing that should slow the Steelers in tearing him limb from limb is the amount of drool they’ll be dropping while lining up. Steelers 26, Browns 13.

New York Jets (-3) at DENVER (41): Here’s an official Tweet from the Broncos official Twitter account: “Less than 48 hours until to kickoff of another great NFL Sunday!” Thanks for that breaking news, Big Ben. Jets 22, Broncos 17.

Oakland (+6.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (41): The only quarterback you can rule out for Oakland this week is George Blanda. 49ers 24, Raiders 19.

Dallas (+1.5) at MINNESOTA (44.5): If you haven’t seen the practice video of Brett Favre getting hit in the beans at practice, go find it – you’ll laugh yourself right out of your Crocs. Vikings 23, Cowboys 20.

Indianapolis (-3) at WASHINGTON (43.5): Another pick against Washington we know is doomed to failure. Expect Peyton Manning and Dallas Clark to both slip in the shower and miss this week’s game. Colts 24, Racists 17.

Tennessee (-3) at JACKSONVILLE (45): This should be a run-oriented game, so we like the under and the cover. Also, the Titans are about as reliable as Glenn Beck’s “facts.” Jaguars 19, Titans 16.

Lock of the Week: Atlanta

Trifecta: Atlanta, Jacksonville, Baltimore

2010 Week Four Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 7-7
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-670

2010 Week Five Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 7-7
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-670

2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 45-33
Against The Spread: 32-40-5
Lock of the Week: 1-4
Trifecta: 0-5
Money: $-3,060

2010 Week 4 Money Spent: $20
2010 Week 4 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $45
2010 Season Money Made: $0
2010 Total: $-45

The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Washington Wizards resident idiot Gilbert Arenas is at it again, this time lying about an injury to skip out of a preseason game.

Arenas says he did it to allow Nick Young a chance to start, but what really matters here is how Wizards head coach Flip Saunders handled this. And here's Saunders' response:

“I said to him that I’m most disappointed personally, because I believe in him,” Saunders said. “There’s been a trust factor. I told him, ‘You’re going to have to be honest with me.’ It’s just like dealing with your kids. Your kids make mistakes and you deal with them. It doesn’t mean you love them any less.”

As Rogers Cadenhead of SportsFilter said, "Is there a better quote than that to sum up the modern role of an NBA coach as a doormat with a clipboard? We've come a long way since the days of Red Auerbach."

For purposes of illustration, we've posted below an actual-size mock-up of Flip's balls:

. .

Enjoy your season, Coach.

2010 Week Four Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 7-7
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-670

2010 Week Five Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 7-7
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-670

2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 45-33
Against The Spread: 32-40-5
Lock of the Week: 1-4
Trifecta: 0-5
Money: $-3,060

2010 Week 4 Money Spent: $20
2010 Week 4 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $45
2010 Season Money Made: $0
2010 Total: $-45

The Hoser and staff are on vacation this week in the U.S., where we've been paying 10% tax on stuff in St. Louis. Hey, you know, for 3% more you could have your health care covered!

We'll catch up on how terrible we are later in the week. Enjoy the Canadian Thanksgiving even if you ain't lucky enough to be Canadian, and remember -- using these pick to wager actual money is advisable as stuff a balloon full of marijuana up your ass to hide the heroin you already put there.

Denver (+7) at BALTIMORE (39.5): We're always hesitant to see a touchdown dog at Baltimore because you never know when the Ravens won't break double-digits themselves. Ravens 19, Broncos 13.
Jacksonsville (+1.5) at BUFFALO (41): Bill Cowher to the Jags' courtesy phone. Jaguars 23, Bills 20.
Kansas City (+7) at INDIANAPOLIS (45): So much for being undefeated. Colts 27, Chiefs 17.
St. Louis (+3) at DETROIT (42.5): This line is a measure of how far the Rams have come this season. Or it's a measure of how far the Lions haven't gone. Lions 21, Rams 20.
Atlanta (-3) at CLEVELAND (41.5): Yeah, the Browns won, but Betty White is still hotter in Cleveland. Falcons 21, Browns 17.
Tampa Bay (+6.5) at CINCINNATI (38): "Welcome to the Chad Ochocinco Sexy Cereal Hotline. Press 1 if you want to talk to one of our hot ladies. Press 2 if you want to chat with a hunky guy. And if you are a member of the Bengals, hang up and get the %&^$# back in the film room after losing to the Browns." Bengals 23, Buccaneers 14.
Chicago (+1.5) at CAROLINA (33): Mike Martz has to play Todd Collins at quarterback this week, which is likely to lead to another Collins -- Tom. Bears 19, Panthers 14.
Green Bay (-2.5) at WASHINGTON (44.5): Forget a rabbit's foot -- Washington has had the whole warren in its pocket so far just to be 2-2. Packers 24, Racists 17.
New York Giants (+3) at HOUSTON (47.5): Eli Manning has made more ill-advised passes than Lawrence Taylor lately. Texans 26, Giants 20.
New Orleans (-7) at ARIZONA (44): Not even Kurt could save these dudes now. Saints 30, Cardinals 17.
San Diego (-6) at OAKLAND (45): Fantasy football owner alert -- start Charger running back Mike Tolbert this week, as the Raider defense gives up ground like a French army. Chargers 28, Raiders 17.
Tennessee (+7) at DALLAS (42): It's supposed to be all in fun, but how many homeless people could the Cowboys have fed with the tab Dez Bryant got stuck with? Hell, how many could they have housed? Cowboys 22, Titans 17.
Philadelphia (+3) at SAN FRANCISCO (38): In a recent poll in Philly, fans said they trusted BP in the Gulf more than Kevin Kolb under center. Still, the 49ers seem about as functional as that IKEA desk we built last year (if any one needs spare screws and dowels, we seem to have a bagful). Eagles 23, 49ers 20.
Minnesota (+4) at NY JETS (39): You know what would be awesome? If every time the Vikings tried to send the overhead view of the defense to Brett Favre on the sidelines, the Jets instead sent copies of the junk pictures he sent to Jen Sterger. Jets 22, Vikings 17.

Lock of the Week: Green Bay

Trifecta: Green Bay, Philadelphia, Houston

Welcome to Week Four of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we know Kansas City defensive end Shawn Smith has the balls to play in this league – we just don’t know if they’re his.

We were a dart-throwing 8-8 against the spread and managed to do exactly the same straight up, which is pretty tough considered we picked two upsets. Of course, Washington blew our Lock, our Trifecta and every goat between St. Louis and the nation’s capital on the way home.

Ben Roethlisberger had been spotted around Heinz Field a week early, but much to his disappointment, the “Steelers Think Pink” drive in October turned out to be a league-wide initiative in support of breast cancer awareness. Better luck next time, Ben.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as asking any Cowboy except Dez Bryant to pick up the check.

Denver (+6.5) at TENNESSEE (41.5): Broncos fans are wondering if Tim Tebow might be the answer to Denver’s rushing woes, but we’re not sure even Jesus* himself could do much with this offensive line.
*Note: by Jesus we mean, of course, Barry Sanders. Titans 30, Broncos 20.

Baltimore (+1.5) at PITTSBURGH (34.5): The Steelers can’t go 4-0 with two different back-ups, can they? Ravens 19, Steelers 17.

Cincinnati (-3) at CLEVELAND (38): It’s not really a battle. It’s more like The Slapfight Of Ohio. Bengals 22, Browns 17.

Detroit (+14.5) at GREEN BAY (45.5): The Lions have lost 19 games in a row to the Packers in Wisconsin – but we don’t think moving the game to Mars would make much difference. Packers 31, Lions 14.

Carolina (+13.5) at NEW ORLEANS (45): The Saints signed kicker John Carney this week. It’s nice to see someone out there is willing to hire the elderly. Saints 30, Panthers 17.

San Francisco (+6.5) at ATLANTA (42): The Falcons come steaming into this game after dropping New Orleans, while the 49ers, well, their type of steaming is usually associated with tightly coiled piles. Falcons 24, 49ers 17.

Seattle (-1.5) at ST. LOUIS (38): We’d rather watch a PBS telethon – even the ones with the damn doo-wop special playing over and over. Seahawks 23, Rams 20.

New York Jets (-5) at BUFFALO (37): There’s your plan, Bills fans – Ryan Fitzpatrick! Jets 20, Bills 19.

Indianapolis (-8.5) at JACKSONVILLE (46.5): There’s your plan, Jags fans – Trent Freaking Edwards! Colts 26, Jaguars 17.

Houston (-3.5) at OAKLAND (44): Is it possible Janikowski roofied himself last week? Texans 23, Raiders 17.

Arizona (+8) at SAN DIEGO (46): Forget bringing back Warner – the Cardinals are down to trying to get Steve Pisarkiewicz on the phone. Chargers 27, Cardinals 13.

Washington (+6) at PHILADELPHIA (42.5): Donovan McNabb said he expects more cheers than boos in his return to Philadelphia. We had no idea the pot was so good in Washington. Eagles 24, Racists 20.

Chicago (-4) at NEW YORK GIANTS (44.5): We know it must be tough to be the coach of the Giants in New York right now, but don’t you think Tom Coughlin looks like that even on Christmas morning? Bears 23, Giants 21.

New England (-1) at MIAMI (45): Brandon Marshall better be careful. Given the size of Shannon Sharpe’s mouth, we’re pretty sure he could swallow Marshall whole. Patriots 24, Dolphins 20.

Lock of the Week: Tennessee

Trifecta: Tennessee, Atlanta, Houston

2010 Week Three Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-8
Against The Spread: 8-8
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-480

2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 29-19
Against The Spread: 18-26-5
Lock of the Week: 1-2
Trifecta: 0-3
Money: $-1,720

2010 Week 3 Money Spent: $15
2010 Week 3 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $25
2010 Season Money Made: $0
2010 Total: $-25

The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Welcome to Week Three of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re lower than a realtor’s take-home pay in Detroit.

In what might have been the worst week in Hoser history, we stumbled to an awful 4-10-2 record against the spread. We also missed the Lock, all three Trifecta games and we would have missed the ground had we fallen off our back deck. You know your picks are awful when you’re glad to see pushes. At least we were 10-6 straight up. Yay.

It’s not the NFL, but The Hoser’s best wishes go out to Michigan State head coach Mark Dantonio on his recovery from a heart attack. It happened after the Spartans shocked Notre Dame with a fake field goal to win in overtime. At least it’s easily explainable – how could there be any blood anywhere else in Dantonio’s body with a set of balls that big?

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as hiring Steven Tyler to judge someone’s ability to sing.

Tennessee (+3) at NY GIANTS (42.5): Win or lose, at least New York fans know they’ll have a chance at taking home a helmet. Giants 20, Titans 19.

Buffalo (+14) at NEW ENGLAND (42.5): For a guy who graduated from Harvard, you’d think Ryan Ritzpatrick would be smart enough to get the hell away from the Bills. Patriots 31, Bills 10.

Cleveland (+10.5) at BALTIMORE (37): Cleveland’s front office reportedly made a call to the Eagles inquiring about QB Kevin Kolb. That makes sense, as it would probably take a concussion before anyone would want to play for the Browns. Ravens 22, Browns 16.

Pittsburgh (-2.5) at TAMPA BAY (33): The Bucs are 2-0, but we’re pretty sure Kordell Stewart could come back and keep the Steelers undefeated. Steelers 23, Buccaneers 13.

Cincinnati (-3) at CAROLINA (38): Poor Jimmy Clausen. The Panther receiving corps – “The Situation” is deeper. Bengals 22. Panthers 14.

Atlanta (+4) at NEW ORLEANS (50): We haven’t seen a leg as floppy as Reggie Bush’s since we accidently rented that John Holmes compilation. Saints 28, Falcons 20.

San Francisco (-2.5) at KANSAS CITY (36.5): The Hoser has a 100-1 $10 ticket on the Chiefs to win the Super Bowl – a common side effect of all those free drinks in Vegas. Chiefs 17, 49ers 16.

Detroit (+10.5) at MINNESOTA (42): The Vikings are 0-2, Brett Favre threw three picks last week and in a press conference he said, “I have to be better.” He actually said that. Vikings 24, Lions 17.

Dallas (+3) at HOUSTON (47.5): The Texans look strong, the Cowboys are stumbling ... and that’s a perfect recipe for a reversal. Cowboys 29, Texans 24.

Washington (-3.5) at ST LOUIS (38): The Rams have been close both weeks, but Washington is more than a field goal better, even on the road. Racists 26, Rams 13.

Philadelphia (-3) at JACKSONVILLE (44.5): If it means we’re bad people because we still can’t root for a team led by Michael Vick, so be it. Eagles 24, Jaguars 20.

Indianapolis (-5.5) at DENVER (48): The Broncos have a cornerback named Perrish Cox. And here we already made our John Holmes joke for the week. Colts 30, Broncos 17.

San Diego (-5.5) at SEATTLE (44): Week One, Seahawks fans? We hope you have it on your DVR. Chargers 24, Seahawks 17.

Oakland (+4) at ARIZONA (39.5): The toughest thing to figure about this game is how each of these teams already have a win. Oh yeah ... the Rams. Raiders 20, Cardinals 16.

New York Jets (+2) at MIAMI (34.5): That was Braylon Edwards in that mugshot? We thought Wooly Willie got a DWI. Dolphins 17, Jets 13.

Green Bay (-3) at CHICAGO (46): Lance Briggs – what a bastard for saying maybe women shouldn’t be where guys are naked and defecating. Of course, maybe there just shouldn’t be any reporters, weiner or not, where guys are naked and defecating. Packers 26, Bears 21.

Lock of the Week: Washington

Trifecta: Washington, Pittsburgh, New Orleans

2010 Week Two Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 10-6
Against The Spread: 4-10-2
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-1,060

2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 21-11
Against The Spread: 9-18-5
Lock of the Week: 1-1
Trifecta: 0-2
Money: $-1,240

2010 Week 2 Money Spent: $0
2010 Week 2 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $10
2010 Season Money Made: $0
2010 Total: $-10

The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Welcome to Week Two of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we haven’t been this much in love with a Foster since we first saw “Freaky Friday.”

We were a dreadful 5-8-3 against the spread to open the season, although we did manage to hit the Lock of the Week in Green Bay. Indianapolis cost us the Trifecta, and we were 11-5 straight up. That’s uglier than Tony Siragusa bouncin’ on a diving board in a jock strap, to paraphrase Tim Wilson.

We generally sympathize with NFL players because of their unguaranteed contracts, short careers and the damage they inflict on their bodies. But to then watch Darrelle Revis and Randy Moss bellyache about the millions of dollars they’re making is like hearing a lottery winner gripe because they wouldn’t pay him in all $20s. Both of those guys need to spend a few months working in the stands selling beer and then come back and let us know if they have any more complaints.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as reporting former NHL coaches dead without calling them first.

Kansas City (-2) at CLEVELAND (38): Matt Cassel vs. Seneca Wallace – who says the NFL isn’t a quarterback-driven league? Chiefs 23, Browns 16.
Buffalo (+13) at GREEN BAY (43): After Packers running back Ryan Grant was lost for the season, fantasy owners grabbed Brandon Jackson faster than Washington snatched Clinton Portis’s cell phone. Packers 33, Bills 17.
Baltimore (-1.5) at CINCINNATI (40): We keep hearing about whether there are enough balls to go around in Cincy and it makes us wish Scott Thompson was still doing Buddy Cole skits. Ravens 20, Bengals 14.
Pittsburgh (+5) at TENNESSEE (37): A crisp $50 bill if The Tennessean runs a story about the popularity of a certain Titan RB with the headline “How Big Will Johnson Get?” Titans 26, Steelers 17.
Philadelphia (-4.5) at DETROIT (41): Michael Vick’s back, and at least one guy’s forgotten all of Vick’s transgressions – Kevin Kolb. Eagles 24, Lions 17.
Chicago (+8.5) at DALLAS (41): Hosting the Super Bowl and already 0-1, which do you think is tighter -- Jerry Jones’s face or anus? Cowboys 27, Bears 20.
Arizona (+6.5) at ATLANTA (43): We predict Cardinal RB Chris Wells will become a star as soon as people stop calling him “Beanie.” That’s just embarrassing. Falcons 21, Cardinals 19.
Tampa Bay (+3.5) at CAROLINA (39): Another prediction – the Panthers don’t win a Super Bowl until they dump their mascot, “Sir Purr.” That’s something your grandmother has on her lap in-between knitting sessions. Panthers 20, Buccaneers 14.
Miami (+5.5) at MINNESOTA (39): The Vikings have been scouring the league looking for wide receivers. Hey, Amhad Rashad’s available! Dolphins 19, Vikings 16.
St. Louis (+4) at OAKLAND (37.5): Watching “Jersey Shore” could be more entertaining – at least Snooki might get punched. Raiders 22, Rams 17.
Seattle (+3.5) at DENVER (40): Laurence Maroney – that’ll get the Broncos over the hump! Seahawks 21, Broncos 17.
Houston (-3) at WASHINGTON (43.5): We’d go watch this game if we didn’t think we’d be too close to that crazy, African-born Muslim socialist running your country. Canadians can trust FOXNews, right? Texans 24, Racists 19.
Jacksonville (+8) at SAN DIEGO (45): Note to Charger QB Philip Rivers – getting pissy and stomping around like a three-year-old when the crowd noise is deafening does not make them shut up. Touchdown passes do. Chargers 27, Jaguars 17.
New England (-2) at NY JETS (38): The issues with females and the Jets have been solved – all locker room reports will now be filed by Helen Thomas. Patriots 23, Jets 16.
New Orleans (-4.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (44): This line is predicated on 49ers coach Mike Singletary being able to scare his team back on track in one week. We fear Mike’s stare, but we’re terrified of Drew Brees’ arm. Saints 27, 49ers 17.
NY Giants (+5.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (48): What we can’t find for this game – the over/under on total time under center making stupid arm movements. Colts 26, Giants 24.

Lock of the Week: Carolina

Trifecta: Carolina, Seattle, Baltimore

2010 Week One Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 11-5
Against The Spread: 5-8-3
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-180

2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 11-5
Against The Spread: 5-8-3
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-180

2009 Week 15 Money Spent: $10
2009 Week 15 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $10
2009 Season Money Made: $0
2009 Total: $-10

The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Welcome to Week One of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where it’s been a long offseason – and we don’t have a daughter living anywhere near Ben Roethlisberger.

Who are we expecting to make it to the big dance in Dallas? We hope it’s not the Cowboys – Jerry Jones’s face might explode on the sidelines – but they wouldn’t be a shocker. Still, we like Aaron Rodgers to explode in Green Bay and drive the Packers on the NFC side, while Peyton Manning and his amazing replicating receivers should be back. Book us at – Colts 31, Packers 24.

The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

All of that leads us to this final sentence, a version of which you’ll see every week: remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having the Rev. Terry Jones give your pregame prayer.

Minnesota (+5) at NEW ORLEANS (48): Hey, did you hear? Brett Favre is playing again! Saints 30, Vikings 20.

Carolina (+7) at NY GIANTS (41): The Giants are playing in their new stadium, which makes us wonder – do you think they moved Hoffa’s body, too? Giants 23, Panthers 20.

Miami (-3) at BUFFALO (39): How the hell can Trent Edwards still be the Bills’ quarterback? That’s like re-electing George W. Bush for a second term. Dolphins 20, Bills 19.

Atlanta (-2) at PITTSBURGH (37.5): Congratulations to NFL commissioner Roger Goddell for letting young women across America know sexual misconduct isn’t even worth six games in his league. Falcons 20, Steelers 16.

Detroit (+6.5) at CHICAGO (43): We’ve looked at this about 50 times and damned if we don’t think the Lions are a 50/50 in this one. The Bears are a hot mess, and it’s just the home-field advantage we’re counting on here. Bears 21, Lions 20.

Cincinnati (+4) at NEW ENGLAND (44.5): Wouldn’t it have been great if after the wreck Thursday morning, the photos showed Tom Brady actually drove an old Gremlin? Patriots 23, Bengals 20.

Cleveland (+3) at TAMPA BAY (37): The game’s a dog, but apparently the Rev. Al Sharpton has offered to stand on the sidelines with Jim Brown, a bunch of bananas and an organ grinder. Buccaneers 22, Browns 20.

Denver (+2.5) at JACKSONVILLE (40): If Tim Tebow was still getting hit on with that monk haircut the Denver veterans gave him during camp, we anoint him Rookie of the Year right freaking now. Jaguars 23, Broncos 17.

Indianapolis (-2) at HOUSTON (47): Every year the Texans are the “sleeper” pick for most improved team, and every year they find a way to louse it up. Same as it ever was, Houston. Colts 30, Texans 22.

Oakland (+6) at TENNESSEE (40.5): We started to pick the Raiders, and then the medication kicked in. Titans 23, Raiders 16.

Green Bay (-3) at PHILADELPHIA (47.5): The Eagles minus McNabb, Westbrook and others are a Stone Kolb Lock – to lose this one. Packers 31, Eagles 20.

San Francisco (-3) at SEATTLE (37): Can we suspect the Seahawks are on the right track and still think Pete Carroll is a slimy jerk? 49ers 24, Seahawks 17.

Arizona (-4) at ST. LOUIS (39.5): We’re printing up T-shirts for Cardinals’ fans – “JESUS CAME BACK, KURT – SO SHOULD YOU.” Cardinals 23, Rams 16.

Dallas (-4) at WASHINGTON (40): Should be a good game but, like their owner, Washington will come up a little short. Cowboys 27, Racists 21.

San Diego (-4) at KANSAS CITY (45): Just four points? Does losing an aging LT and a grouchy Vincent Jackson really mean a game against the Chiefs is that tight? Chargers 27, Chiefs 21.

Baltimore (+2.5) at NY JETS (36): Scientists have determined the only thing in the world saltier than the Dead Sea is Rex Ryan’s mouth. Ravens 20, Jets 16.

Lock of the Week: Green Bay

Trifecta: Green Bay, Baltimore, Indianapolis

Over/Under Good Buys: Dallas/Washington OVER