Thursday, September 23, 2010

Welcome to Week Three of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re lower than a realtor’s take-home pay in Detroit.

In what might have been the worst week in Hoser history, we stumbled to an awful 4-10-2 record against the spread. We also missed the Lock, all three Trifecta games and we would have missed the ground had we fallen off our back deck. You know your picks are awful when you’re glad to see pushes. At least we were 10-6 straight up. Yay.

It’s not the NFL, but The Hoser’s best wishes go out to Michigan State head coach Mark Dantonio on his recovery from a heart attack. It happened after the Spartans shocked Notre Dame with a fake field goal to win in overtime. At least it’s easily explainable – how could there be any blood anywhere else in Dantonio’s body with a set of balls that big?

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as hiring Steven Tyler to judge someone’s ability to sing.

Tennessee (+3) at NY GIANTS (42.5): Win or lose, at least New York fans know they’ll have a chance at taking home a helmet. Giants 20, Titans 19.

Buffalo (+14) at NEW ENGLAND (42.5): For a guy who graduated from Harvard, you’d think Ryan Ritzpatrick would be smart enough to get the hell away from the Bills. Patriots 31, Bills 10.

Cleveland (+10.5) at BALTIMORE (37): Cleveland’s front office reportedly made a call to the Eagles inquiring about QB Kevin Kolb. That makes sense, as it would probably take a concussion before anyone would want to play for the Browns. Ravens 22, Browns 16.

Pittsburgh (-2.5) at TAMPA BAY (33): The Bucs are 2-0, but we’re pretty sure Kordell Stewart could come back and keep the Steelers undefeated. Steelers 23, Buccaneers 13.

Cincinnati (-3) at CAROLINA (38): Poor Jimmy Clausen. The Panther receiving corps – “The Situation” is deeper. Bengals 22. Panthers 14.

Atlanta (+4) at NEW ORLEANS (50): We haven’t seen a leg as floppy as Reggie Bush’s since we accidently rented that John Holmes compilation. Saints 28, Falcons 20.

San Francisco (-2.5) at KANSAS CITY (36.5): The Hoser has a 100-1 $10 ticket on the Chiefs to win the Super Bowl – a common side effect of all those free drinks in Vegas. Chiefs 17, 49ers 16.

Detroit (+10.5) at MINNESOTA (42): The Vikings are 0-2, Brett Favre threw three picks last week and in a press conference he said, “I have to be better.” He actually said that. Vikings 24, Lions 17.

Dallas (+3) at HOUSTON (47.5): The Texans look strong, the Cowboys are stumbling ... and that’s a perfect recipe for a reversal. Cowboys 29, Texans 24.

Washington (-3.5) at ST LOUIS (38): The Rams have been close both weeks, but Washington is more than a field goal better, even on the road. Racists 26, Rams 13.

Philadelphia (-3) at JACKSONVILLE (44.5): If it means we’re bad people because we still can’t root for a team led by Michael Vick, so be it. Eagles 24, Jaguars 20.

Indianapolis (-5.5) at DENVER (48): The Broncos have a cornerback named Perrish Cox. And here we already made our John Holmes joke for the week. Colts 30, Broncos 17.

San Diego (-5.5) at SEATTLE (44): Week One, Seahawks fans? We hope you have it on your DVR. Chargers 24, Seahawks 17.

Oakland (+4) at ARIZONA (39.5): The toughest thing to figure about this game is how each of these teams already have a win. Oh yeah ... the Rams. Raiders 20, Cardinals 16.

New York Jets (+2) at MIAMI (34.5): That was Braylon Edwards in that mugshot? We thought Wooly Willie got a DWI. Dolphins 17, Jets 13.

Green Bay (-3) at CHICAGO (46): Lance Briggs – what a bastard for saying maybe women shouldn’t be where guys are naked and defecating. Of course, maybe there just shouldn’t be any reporters, weiner or not, where guys are naked and defecating. Packers 26, Bears 21.

Lock of the Week: Washington

Trifecta: Washington, Pittsburgh, New Orleans

2010 Week Two Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 10-6
Against The Spread: 4-10-2
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-1,060

2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 21-11
Against The Spread: 9-18-5
Lock of the Week: 1-1
Trifecta: 0-2
Money: $-1,240

2010 Week 2 Money Spent: $0
2010 Week 2 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $10
2010 Season Money Made: $0
2010 Total: $-10

The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

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