Thursday, September 09, 2010

Welcome to Week One of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where it’s been a long offseason – and we don’t have a daughter living anywhere near Ben Roethlisberger.

Who are we expecting to make it to the big dance in Dallas? We hope it’s not the Cowboys – Jerry Jones’s face might explode on the sidelines – but they wouldn’t be a shocker. Still, we like Aaron Rodgers to explode in Green Bay and drive the Packers on the NFC side, while Peyton Manning and his amazing replicating receivers should be back. Book us at – Colts 31, Packers 24.

The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

All of that leads us to this final sentence, a version of which you’ll see every week: remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having the Rev. Terry Jones give your pregame prayer.

Minnesota (+5) at NEW ORLEANS (48): Hey, did you hear? Brett Favre is playing again! Saints 30, Vikings 20.

Carolina (+7) at NY GIANTS (41): The Giants are playing in their new stadium, which makes us wonder – do you think they moved Hoffa’s body, too? Giants 23, Panthers 20.

Miami (-3) at BUFFALO (39): How the hell can Trent Edwards still be the Bills’ quarterback? That’s like re-electing George W. Bush for a second term. Dolphins 20, Bills 19.

Atlanta (-2) at PITTSBURGH (37.5): Congratulations to NFL commissioner Roger Goddell for letting young women across America know sexual misconduct isn’t even worth six games in his league. Falcons 20, Steelers 16.

Detroit (+6.5) at CHICAGO (43): We’ve looked at this about 50 times and damned if we don’t think the Lions are a 50/50 in this one. The Bears are a hot mess, and it’s just the home-field advantage we’re counting on here. Bears 21, Lions 20.

Cincinnati (+4) at NEW ENGLAND (44.5): Wouldn’t it have been great if after the wreck Thursday morning, the photos showed Tom Brady actually drove an old Gremlin? Patriots 23, Bengals 20.

Cleveland (+3) at TAMPA BAY (37): The game’s a dog, but apparently the Rev. Al Sharpton has offered to stand on the sidelines with Jim Brown, a bunch of bananas and an organ grinder. Buccaneers 22, Browns 20.

Denver (+2.5) at JACKSONVILLE (40): If Tim Tebow was still getting hit on with that monk haircut the Denver veterans gave him during camp, we anoint him Rookie of the Year right freaking now. Jaguars 23, Broncos 17.

Indianapolis (-2) at HOUSTON (47): Every year the Texans are the “sleeper” pick for most improved team, and every year they find a way to louse it up. Same as it ever was, Houston. Colts 30, Texans 22.

Oakland (+6) at TENNESSEE (40.5): We started to pick the Raiders, and then the medication kicked in. Titans 23, Raiders 16.

Green Bay (-3) at PHILADELPHIA (47.5): The Eagles minus McNabb, Westbrook and others are a Stone Kolb Lock – to lose this one. Packers 31, Eagles 20.

San Francisco (-3) at SEATTLE (37): Can we suspect the Seahawks are on the right track and still think Pete Carroll is a slimy jerk? 49ers 24, Seahawks 17.

Arizona (-4) at ST. LOUIS (39.5): We’re printing up T-shirts for Cardinals’ fans – “JESUS CAME BACK, KURT – SO SHOULD YOU.” Cardinals 23, Rams 16.

Dallas (-4) at WASHINGTON (40): Should be a good game but, like their owner, Washington will come up a little short. Cowboys 27, Racists 21.

San Diego (-4) at KANSAS CITY (45): Just four points? Does losing an aging LT and a grouchy Vincent Jackson really mean a game against the Chiefs is that tight? Chargers 27, Chiefs 21.

Baltimore (+2.5) at NY JETS (36): Scientists have determined the only thing in the world saltier than the Dead Sea is Rex Ryan’s mouth. Ravens 20, Jets 16.

Lock of the Week: Green Bay

Trifecta: Green Bay, Baltimore, Indianapolis

Over/Under Good Buys: Dallas/Washington OVER

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