Saturday, October 16, 2010

Welcome to Week Six of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where after knocking off the Super Bowl champs and then having a bye week to celebrate, we’d give our eyeteeth to be Phoenix quarterback Max Hall.

We were just 7-7 again last week against the spread, which frighteningly enough is an improvement over the early part of the season. We were 8-6 straight up, and Green Bay being forced to dress the ghost of Ron Kramer at tight end blew our Lock and Trifecta.

Fun fact of the week – if you have a massage while drunk or soon after being drunk, there’s an excellent chance it will work the toxins of your system and make you vomit. This can be accomplished more easily by trying to visualize Rex Ryan in a thong.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as dedicating an entire campaign commercial to saying you’re not a witch.

San Diego (-8) at ST. LOUIS (45): Chargers fans aren’t missing Vincent Jackson much after Malcolm Floyd’s performance last week. He’s the best Floyd since Monster Chiller Horror Theater. Chargers 29, Rams 16

Kansas City (+4) at HOUSTON (44.5): The Chiefs have lost to one good team and beaten three mediocre to bad ones. The Texans are up-and-down like guests at a Catholic wedding. When in doubt, take the dog. Texans 23, Chiefs 20

Baltimore (+3) at NEW ENGLAND (44.5): We think the Ravens might be the best team in the league. This game will prove it. Ravens 22, Patriots 17.

New Orleans (-4) at TAMPA BAY (43): The Saints have all the ground attack of the Swiss Army. Good thing Drew Brees makes it unnecessary to have this week. Saints 27, Buccaneers 17

Atlanta (+2.5) at PHILADELPHIA (42.5): Line of the week – Bill Maher on Michael Vick’s injury: “Since he’s unable to play this week, he should be put down.” Falcons 22, Eagles 20

Detroit (+10) at NY GIANTS (44.5): The Lions rolled up 44 points last week, and the line gives them around 17 this week. We’ll bump that a bit for the road cover. Giants 27, Lions 20

Seattle (+6.5) at CHICAGO (37.5): New Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch says he goes into “Beast Mode” when he’s running the ball. Expect Chicago’s run defense to make that “Least Mode.” Bears 22, Seahawks 14

Miami (+3) at GREEN BAY (43.5): Aaron Rodgers is not a sure thing for this game. Stay far, far away. Packers 24, Dolphins 17.

Cleveland (+13.5) at PITTSBURGH (37.5): Rookie QB Colt McCoy makes his NFL debut on Sunday, and the only thing that should slow the Steelers in tearing him limb from limb is the amount of drool they’ll be dropping while lining up. Steelers 26, Browns 13.

New York Jets (-3) at DENVER (41): Here’s an official Tweet from the Broncos official Twitter account: “Less than 48 hours until to kickoff of another great NFL Sunday!” Thanks for that breaking news, Big Ben. Jets 22, Broncos 17.

Oakland (+6.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (41): The only quarterback you can rule out for Oakland this week is George Blanda. 49ers 24, Raiders 19.

Dallas (+1.5) at MINNESOTA (44.5): If you haven’t seen the practice video of Brett Favre getting hit in the beans at practice, go find it – you’ll laugh yourself right out of your Crocs. Vikings 23, Cowboys 20.

Indianapolis (-3) at WASHINGTON (43.5): Another pick against Washington we know is doomed to failure. Expect Peyton Manning and Dallas Clark to both slip in the shower and miss this week’s game. Colts 24, Racists 17.

Tennessee (-3) at JACKSONVILLE (45): This should be a run-oriented game, so we like the under and the cover. Also, the Titans are about as reliable as Glenn Beck’s “facts.” Jaguars 19, Titans 16.

Lock of the Week: Atlanta

Trifecta: Atlanta, Jacksonville, Baltimore

2010 Week Four Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 7-7
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-670

2010 Week Five Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 7-7
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-670

2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 45-33
Against The Spread: 32-40-5
Lock of the Week: 1-4
Trifecta: 0-5
Money: $-3,060

2010 Week 4 Money Spent: $20
2010 Week 4 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $45
2010 Season Money Made: $0
2010 Total: $-45

The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

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