Welcome to Week Eight of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where YouTube has us wishing for the return of Terry Tate: Office Linebacker.

Last week was completely freaking awful -- again. Just 7-7 straight up and 5-9 against the spread, the only redeeming feature of Week Seven was our ability to grasp Norv Turner’s complete suckitude in the Lock of the Week. Seriously, Chargers fans, how have you not stormed the front office with torches and pitchforks demanding this guy’s head?

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as signing for Fed Ex shipments out of Yemen.

Denver (+1.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (41.5): We’d count the Broncos out, but from what we’ve heard, one of their quarterbacks is apparently pretty close with some dude named Jesus. 49ers 24, Broncos 20.

Jacksonville (+6.5) at DALLAS (42.5): See above and they’ll win this week, but down the road Jon Kitna doesn’t have a prayer with this group of slags. Cowboys 31, Jaguars 17.

Washington (+2.5) at DETROIT (44): The Lions get Matthew Stafford back under center, and we’ll keep betting this is the week the Racists run out of luck. Lions 23, Racists 21.

Green Bay (+5.5) at NY JETS (42): Jen Sterger could win this game for the Jets by threatening to show the Packers cell-phone shots of Rex Ryan naked in a pair of Crocs. Jets 23, Packers 20.

Carolina (+3) at ST LOUIS (37): There have been some questions about Rams running back Stephen Jackson playing this week after finger surgery. You do realize this guy finished the season with a broken back last year, right? Rams 23, Panthers 14.

Miami (+2.5) at CINCINNATI (43.5): The Dolphins will be pissed after getting jobbed in Pittsburgh last week, while the Bengals will be … uhh, the Bengals. Dolphins 22, Bengals 16.

Buffalo (+8) at KANSAS CITY (45.5): We heard an excellent question posed this week – how can anyone trust Buffalo’s coaching staff when it couldn’t identify Ryan Fitzpatrick as the starter during this year’s training camp? Chiefs 26, Bills 23.

Tampa Bay (+3) at ARIZONA (39.5): We had to read this line two or three times before it sank in – the Bucs are a dog in this game? Dude, when it’s Derek Anderson that supposed gave your team a lift, you’re done. Buccaneers 22, Cardinals 17.

Tennessee (+3) at SAN DIEGO (44): Another mystery line – 5-2 vs. 2-5 and it’s a field goal at home? Again, please bear in mind – Norv Turner is involved. Titans 23, Chargers 17.

Seattle (+2.5) at OAKLAND (42): We wouldn’t have bet on the Rayyydahhhs scoring 59 points the remainder of the season, but how can we bail on them now? Raiders 26, Seahawks 20.

Minnesota (+5) at NEW ENGLAND (44): The question on everyone’s mind is – will Brett play? Our answer is: it doesn’t matter. Patriots 27, Vikings 19.

Pittsburgh (PK) at NEW ORLEANS (43.5): You have to figure Ladell Betts is thinking about changing his last name to “Ebony.” Steelers 22, Saints 19.

Houston (+5.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (49.5): Yeah, yeah, we know, we know – this ain’t your Daddy’s Texans. Still, in the end it’ll be the Colts saying, “Who’s your daddy?” Colts 27, Texans 20.

Lock of the Week: San Francisco

Trifecta: San Francisco, St. Louis, Tampa Bay

2010 Week Seven Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 7-7
Against The Spread: 5-9
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-40

2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 60-46
Against The Spread: 42-56-8
Lock of the Week: 2-5
Trifecta: 0-7
Money: $-4,030

2010 Week 6 Money Spent: $20
2010 Week 6 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $80
2010 Season Money Made: $0
2010 Total: $-80

The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Another miserable week for us. At least we can count on Norv Turner to suck as badly as we do.

2010 Week Seven Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 7-7
Against The Spread: 5-9
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-40

2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 60-46
Against The Spread: 42-56-8
Lock of the Week: 2-5
Trifecta: 0-7
Money: $-4,030

2010 Week 6 Money Spent: $20
2010 Week 6 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $80
2010 Season Money Made: $0
2010 Total: $-80

Welcome to Week Seven of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re lower than whale poop in the Mariana Trench.

We were a lousy 4-7-3 last week against the spread in what is developing into the roughest year The Hoser has ever had. It’s been tougher finding winners in the NFL than tolerance in a room full of Tea Partiers, but we’ll keep plugging along – that $1 we’re raking in every week in AdSense cash makes it all worthwhile.

Deanna Favre said this week faith is helping to get her through her husband’s recent sexting tribulations. We admire that, Deanna – and we also have the number of a couple of good lawyers you can put on retainer right now.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Randy Quaid bunk at your place.

Pittsburgh (-3) at MIAMI (40.5): Steeler fans gave Ben Roethlisberger a big ovation in his first game back after his suspension for maybe or maybe not sexually assaulting a woman. Stay classy, Pittsburgh.

Cincinnati (+3.5) at ATLANTA (42): Hopefully, those disgusting sounds you heard this week were Mike Smith chewing some ass down South. Falcons 24, Bengals 20.

Cleveland (+13.5) at NEW ORLEANS (43.5): See above and insert Sean Peyton where applicable. Saints 34, Browns 10.

Jacksonville (+9) at KANSAS CITY (37.5): Daunte Culpepper’s playing in the UFL and Todd Bouman’s starting for the Jags. C’mon – aren’t there phones in Jacksonville? Chiefs 24, Jaguars 10.

Philadelphia (+3) at TENNESSEE (42.5): Eagles QB Kevin Kolb will be playing for his job – which is absolutely ridiculous. Does Michael Vick have nude photos of Andy Reid? Oh, God. We just threw up in my our mouthes a little. Titans 23, Eagles 21.

Washington (+3) at CHICAGO (40): Strictly a home-team pick, as both of these teams are going nowhere at the same pace. Bears 21, Racists 17.

Buffalo (+13) at BALTIMORE (40): Not even worth trying to analyze. Ravens 24, Bills 10.

San Francisco (-3) at CAROLINA (35.5): The Panther offense has all the firepower of Ben Stein on Ritalin. 49ers 23, Panthers 13.

St. Louis (+3) at TAMPA BAY (38): Yeah, Sam Bradford’s been good early. So was Take That. Rams 22, Buccaneers 19.

Arizona (+6) at SEATTLE (40): We believe in the Cards to the Max. Seahawks 22, Cardinals 20.

New England (+2.5) at SAN DIEGO (47): This line requires you to have faith in the ability of Norv Turner to outcoach Bill Belichick. BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Patriots 26, Chargers 20.

Oakland (+8.5) at DENVER (41.5): Daunte Culpepper’s playing in the UFL and Kyle Boller might starting for the Raiders? Oh, nevermind. Broncos 27, Raiders 17.

Minnesota (+2.5) at GREEN BAY (44): Welcome home, Brett – leave your Crocs at the state line. Vikings 21, Packers 17.

New York Giants (+3) at DALLAS (44): A Cowboys’ win? Our Magic 8-Ball says, “YOU’RE A STRAIGHT-UP MORON.” Where did we buy this thing? Cowboys 26, Giants 19.

Lock of the Week: New England

Trifecta: Dallas, New England, New Orleans

2010 Week Six Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 4-7-3
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-930

2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 53-39
Against The Spread: 37-47-8
Lock of the Week: 1-5
Trifecta: 0-6
Money: $-3,990

2010 Week 6 Money Spent: $15
2010 Week 6 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $60
2010 Season Money Made: $0
2010 Total: $-60

The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

So far this week we're 4-6-3 against the spread and 8-5 straight up. The Falcons have already blown our Lock and Trifecta, but at least Washington lost. That always cheers us up.

Welcome to Week Six of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where after knocking off the Super Bowl champs and then having a bye week to celebrate, we’d give our eyeteeth to be Phoenix quarterback Max Hall.

We were just 7-7 again last week against the spread, which frighteningly enough is an improvement over the early part of the season. We were 8-6 straight up, and Green Bay being forced to dress the ghost of Ron Kramer at tight end blew our Lock and Trifecta.

Fun fact of the week – if you have a massage while drunk or soon after being drunk, there’s an excellent chance it will work the toxins of your system and make you vomit. This can be accomplished more easily by trying to visualize Rex Ryan in a thong.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as dedicating an entire campaign commercial to saying you’re not a witch.

San Diego (-8) at ST. LOUIS (45): Chargers fans aren’t missing Vincent Jackson much after Malcolm Floyd’s performance last week. He’s the best Floyd since Monster Chiller Horror Theater. Chargers 29, Rams 16

Kansas City (+4) at HOUSTON (44.5): The Chiefs have lost to one good team and beaten three mediocre to bad ones. The Texans are up-and-down like guests at a Catholic wedding. When in doubt, take the dog. Texans 23, Chiefs 20

Baltimore (+3) at NEW ENGLAND (44.5): We think the Ravens might be the best team in the league. This game will prove it. Ravens 22, Patriots 17.

New Orleans (-4) at TAMPA BAY (43): The Saints have all the ground attack of the Swiss Army. Good thing Drew Brees makes it unnecessary to have this week. Saints 27, Buccaneers 17

Atlanta (+2.5) at PHILADELPHIA (42.5): Line of the week – Bill Maher on Michael Vick’s injury: “Since he’s unable to play this week, he should be put down.” Falcons 22, Eagles 20

Detroit (+10) at NY GIANTS (44.5): The Lions rolled up 44 points last week, and the line gives them around 17 this week. We’ll bump that a bit for the road cover. Giants 27, Lions 20

Seattle (+6.5) at CHICAGO (37.5): New Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch says he goes into “Beast Mode” when he’s running the ball. Expect Chicago’s run defense to make that “Least Mode.” Bears 22, Seahawks 14

Miami (+3) at GREEN BAY (43.5): Aaron Rodgers is not a sure thing for this game. Stay far, far away. Packers 24, Dolphins 17.

Cleveland (+13.5) at PITTSBURGH (37.5): Rookie QB Colt McCoy makes his NFL debut on Sunday, and the only thing that should slow the Steelers in tearing him limb from limb is the amount of drool they’ll be dropping while lining up. Steelers 26, Browns 13.

New York Jets (-3) at DENVER (41): Here’s an official Tweet from the Broncos official Twitter account: “Less than 48 hours until to kickoff of another great NFL Sunday!” Thanks for that breaking news, Big Ben. Jets 22, Broncos 17.

Oakland (+6.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (41): The only quarterback you can rule out for Oakland this week is George Blanda. 49ers 24, Raiders 19.

Dallas (+1.5) at MINNESOTA (44.5): If you haven’t seen the practice video of Brett Favre getting hit in the beans at practice, go find it – you’ll laugh yourself right out of your Crocs. Vikings 23, Cowboys 20.

Indianapolis (-3) at WASHINGTON (43.5): Another pick against Washington we know is doomed to failure. Expect Peyton Manning and Dallas Clark to both slip in the shower and miss this week’s game. Colts 24, Racists 17.

Tennessee (-3) at JACKSONVILLE (45): This should be a run-oriented game, so we like the under and the cover. Also, the Titans are about as reliable as Glenn Beck’s “facts.” Jaguars 19, Titans 16.

Lock of the Week: Atlanta

Trifecta: Atlanta, Jacksonville, Baltimore

2010 Week Four Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 7-7
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-670

2010 Week Five Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 7-7
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-670

2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 45-33
Against The Spread: 32-40-5
Lock of the Week: 1-4
Trifecta: 0-5
Money: $-3,060

2010 Week 4 Money Spent: $20
2010 Week 4 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $45
2010 Season Money Made: $0
2010 Total: $-45

The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Washington Wizards resident idiot Gilbert Arenas is at it again, this time lying about an injury to skip out of a preseason game.

Arenas says he did it to allow Nick Young a chance to start, but what really matters here is how Wizards head coach Flip Saunders handled this. And here's Saunders' response:

“I said to him that I’m most disappointed personally, because I believe in him,” Saunders said. “There’s been a trust factor. I told him, ‘You’re going to have to be honest with me.’ It’s just like dealing with your kids. Your kids make mistakes and you deal with them. It doesn’t mean you love them any less.”

As Rogers Cadenhead of SportsFilter said, "Is there a better quote than that to sum up the modern role of an NBA coach as a doormat with a clipboard? We've come a long way since the days of Red Auerbach."

For purposes of illustration, we've posted below an actual-size mock-up of Flip's balls:

. .

Enjoy your season, Coach.

2010 Week Four Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 7-7
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-670

2010 Week Five Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 7-7
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-670

2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 45-33
Against The Spread: 32-40-5
Lock of the Week: 1-4
Trifecta: 0-5
Money: $-3,060

2010 Week 4 Money Spent: $20
2010 Week 4 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $45
2010 Season Money Made: $0
2010 Total: $-45

The Hoser and staff are on vacation this week in the U.S., where we've been paying 10% tax on stuff in St. Louis. Hey, you know, for 3% more you could have your health care covered!

We'll catch up on how terrible we are later in the week. Enjoy the Canadian Thanksgiving even if you ain't lucky enough to be Canadian, and remember -- using these pick to wager actual money is advisable as stuff a balloon full of marijuana up your ass to hide the heroin you already put there.

Denver (+7) at BALTIMORE (39.5): We're always hesitant to see a touchdown dog at Baltimore because you never know when the Ravens won't break double-digits themselves. Ravens 19, Broncos 13.
Jacksonsville (+1.5) at BUFFALO (41): Bill Cowher to the Jags' courtesy phone. Jaguars 23, Bills 20.
Kansas City (+7) at INDIANAPOLIS (45): So much for being undefeated. Colts 27, Chiefs 17.
St. Louis (+3) at DETROIT (42.5): This line is a measure of how far the Rams have come this season. Or it's a measure of how far the Lions haven't gone. Lions 21, Rams 20.
Atlanta (-3) at CLEVELAND (41.5): Yeah, the Browns won, but Betty White is still hotter in Cleveland. Falcons 21, Browns 17.
Tampa Bay (+6.5) at CINCINNATI (38): "Welcome to the Chad Ochocinco Sexy Cereal Hotline. Press 1 if you want to talk to one of our hot ladies. Press 2 if you want to chat with a hunky guy. And if you are a member of the Bengals, hang up and get the %&^$# back in the film room after losing to the Browns." Bengals 23, Buccaneers 14.
Chicago (+1.5) at CAROLINA (33): Mike Martz has to play Todd Collins at quarterback this week, which is likely to lead to another Collins -- Tom. Bears 19, Panthers 14.
Green Bay (-2.5) at WASHINGTON (44.5): Forget a rabbit's foot -- Washington has had the whole warren in its pocket so far just to be 2-2. Packers 24, Racists 17.
New York Giants (+3) at HOUSTON (47.5): Eli Manning has made more ill-advised passes than Lawrence Taylor lately. Texans 26, Giants 20.
New Orleans (-7) at ARIZONA (44): Not even Kurt could save these dudes now. Saints 30, Cardinals 17.
San Diego (-6) at OAKLAND (45): Fantasy football owner alert -- start Charger running back Mike Tolbert this week, as the Raider defense gives up ground like a French army. Chargers 28, Raiders 17.
Tennessee (+7) at DALLAS (42): It's supposed to be all in fun, but how many homeless people could the Cowboys have fed with the tab Dez Bryant got stuck with? Hell, how many could they have housed? Cowboys 22, Titans 17.
Philadelphia (+3) at SAN FRANCISCO (38): In a recent poll in Philly, fans said they trusted BP in the Gulf more than Kevin Kolb under center. Still, the 49ers seem about as functional as that IKEA desk we built last year (if any one needs spare screws and dowels, we seem to have a bagful). Eagles 23, 49ers 20.
Minnesota (+4) at NY JETS (39): You know what would be awesome? If every time the Vikings tried to send the overhead view of the defense to Brett Favre on the sidelines, the Jets instead sent copies of the junk pictures he sent to Jen Sterger. Jets 22, Vikings 17.

Lock of the Week: Green Bay

Trifecta: Green Bay, Philadelphia, Houston

Welcome to Week Four of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we know Kansas City defensive end Shawn Smith has the balls to play in this league – we just don’t know if they’re his.

We were a dart-throwing 8-8 against the spread and managed to do exactly the same straight up, which is pretty tough considered we picked two upsets. Of course, Washington blew our Lock, our Trifecta and every goat between St. Louis and the nation’s capital on the way home.

Ben Roethlisberger had been spotted around Heinz Field a week early, but much to his disappointment, the “Steelers Think Pink” drive in October turned out to be a league-wide initiative in support of breast cancer awareness. Better luck next time, Ben.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as asking any Cowboy except Dez Bryant to pick up the check.

Denver (+6.5) at TENNESSEE (41.5): Broncos fans are wondering if Tim Tebow might be the answer to Denver’s rushing woes, but we’re not sure even Jesus* himself could do much with this offensive line.
*Note: by Jesus we mean, of course, Barry Sanders. Titans 30, Broncos 20.

Baltimore (+1.5) at PITTSBURGH (34.5): The Steelers can’t go 4-0 with two different back-ups, can they? Ravens 19, Steelers 17.

Cincinnati (-3) at CLEVELAND (38): It’s not really a battle. It’s more like The Slapfight Of Ohio. Bengals 22, Browns 17.

Detroit (+14.5) at GREEN BAY (45.5): The Lions have lost 19 games in a row to the Packers in Wisconsin – but we don’t think moving the game to Mars would make much difference. Packers 31, Lions 14.

Carolina (+13.5) at NEW ORLEANS (45): The Saints signed kicker John Carney this week. It’s nice to see someone out there is willing to hire the elderly. Saints 30, Panthers 17.

San Francisco (+6.5) at ATLANTA (42): The Falcons come steaming into this game after dropping New Orleans, while the 49ers, well, their type of steaming is usually associated with tightly coiled piles. Falcons 24, 49ers 17.

Seattle (-1.5) at ST. LOUIS (38): We’d rather watch a PBS telethon – even the ones with the damn doo-wop special playing over and over. Seahawks 23, Rams 20.

New York Jets (-5) at BUFFALO (37): There’s your plan, Bills fans – Ryan Fitzpatrick! Jets 20, Bills 19.

Indianapolis (-8.5) at JACKSONVILLE (46.5): There’s your plan, Jags fans – Trent Freaking Edwards! Colts 26, Jaguars 17.

Houston (-3.5) at OAKLAND (44): Is it possible Janikowski roofied himself last week? Texans 23, Raiders 17.

Arizona (+8) at SAN DIEGO (46): Forget bringing back Warner – the Cardinals are down to trying to get Steve Pisarkiewicz on the phone. Chargers 27, Cardinals 13.

Washington (+6) at PHILADELPHIA (42.5): Donovan McNabb said he expects more cheers than boos in his return to Philadelphia. We had no idea the pot was so good in Washington. Eagles 24, Racists 20.

Chicago (-4) at NEW YORK GIANTS (44.5): We know it must be tough to be the coach of the Giants in New York right now, but don’t you think Tom Coughlin looks like that even on Christmas morning? Bears 23, Giants 21.

New England (-1) at MIAMI (45): Brandon Marshall better be careful. Given the size of Shannon Sharpe’s mouth, we’re pretty sure he could swallow Marshall whole. Patriots 24, Dolphins 20.

Lock of the Week: Tennessee

Trifecta: Tennessee, Atlanta, Houston

2010 Week Three Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-8
Against The Spread: 8-8
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-480

2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 29-19
Against The Spread: 18-26-5
Lock of the Week: 1-2
Trifecta: 0-3
Money: $-1,720

2010 Week 3 Money Spent: $15
2010 Week 3 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $25
2010 Season Money Made: $0
2010 Total: $-25

The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.