What the hell is going on at the FAN 590? I was just talking with a customer and it seems like they fired just about everyone they could find roaming the halls -- Landry, Stellick, Jack Armstrong and most notably to me, Mike Hogan.

Hogie to me was the best in Toronto because he was willing to talk all sports, even CIS football. Perhaps that's what was his downfall -- not pandering to the moron callers who don't have anything to say except, "Leafs are going to be great this year!"

No, they aren't.

Greg Brady has been snatched away from 640 to host a two-hour hockey show (I'm down with that) and the silky-smooth Doug Farraway takes over in the morning, although that may just be temporary.

I'm calling it here -- Wilner in the morning FTW!

No fun this week -- hammered at the store!

Colts 24, Jets 20.
Vikings 29, Saints 27.

Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Playoff Picks 2009 Week 2, where taking the road dog last week left us in the dog house.

The Hoser hit just one of four games against the spread and was likewise 1-3 straight up. We thought Philly and Cincy would rebound, but they were flatter than Olive Oyl at a wet T-shirt contest. And Arizona, the team we thought couldn’t regroup, did – well, the offense did, at least.

Can we finally put to rest the idea Chad Ochocinco Johnson is a top-tier receiver? Darrell Revis owned him two weeks in a row, and that’s really incredible when you consider how tough it must be to play with Deion Sanders’ slobber all over you.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Jim Leavitt run your church’s youth group.

Arizona (+7) at NEW ORLEANS [57.5]: Forget about Kurt Warner playing for the glory of Jesus – we’re pretty sure that was Jesus out there Sunday night.
But as amazing as Warner and the Arizona offense was, the utter and absolute collapse of the Cardinal defense in the second half was even more spectacular and leaves us thinking they won’t fare any better with New Orleans.
It’ll be a shootout and close enough for Arizona to cover, but the Cards will take the last bullet. Saints 34, Cardinals 30.

Baltimore (+6) at INDIANAPOLIS [44]: We really, really want to take the Ravens here. Everyone knows The Hoser’s staff brooks no Peyton fans, and Baltimore can run all day long.
Still … 34 yards. That’s the number of passing yards Joe Flacco and the Ravens put up last week against the Patriots. Sure, they didn’t need to pass much, but one-dimensional offenses don’t fare well in the postseason.
We hate to say it, but … Colts 22, Ravens 17.

Dallas (+3) at MINNESOTA [46]: We’ve been looking at the quarterbacks for a few days, and does it make any sense they we think Brett Favre is more likely to have a stinker game than Tony Romo?
The Vikings just haven’t been very good down the stretch, while the Cowboys have everything going for them – Romo’s on fire, the running game is great, all the receivers are catching passes and the defense is solid.
The good news is this bumps the schedule up a week or two to start speculating about whether Favre returns next season or not. Oh boy! Cowboys 27, Vikings 23.

New York Jets (+7) at SAN DIEGO [42]: This is the one game we feel really comfortable with in our gut – and that’s a big gut to ignore.
San Diego has been rock solid since midseason, led by the resurgence of the suddenly viable Ladanian Tomlinson and the steady hand of Philip Rivers. We still wonder about Norv Turner, but this is where the Rex Ryan Love Bus finally blows a tire. Chargers 26, Jets 17.

Lock of the Week: Chargers

2009 Playoffs Week 1 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 1-3
Against The Spread: 1-3
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Money: $-730

2009 Playoffs Season Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 1-3
Against The Spread: 1-3
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Money: $-730

The Hoser’s Playoff format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Playoff Picks 2009, Week 1, where after last week’s mess, you’re talking about PLAYOFFS?!?

The Hoser went a pathetic 5-10-1 record against the spread and was 12-4 straight up. Fortunately, the Lions caved to the Bears to give us the Lock of the Week, but no Trifecta for us. We don’t feel too horribly about it, though, as we were not given advance notice that damned near every contender would be laying down like carpet.

Except for the Patriots. Ouch.

Three of these four games feature two teams that met last week. In each case, the favourite here got hammered like chopped meat, which again points out why you don’t bet football in the last few weeks. Or ever.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as playing your starters in meaningless games.

New York Jets (+2) at CINCINNATI [34]: Talk about backing in – whenever the Jets have the ball in this game, there should be a loud beeping noise. Still, there’s something to be said for having both the top running offense and top overall defense in the league.
This isn’t going to be a cakewalk for Cincy, but they still have enough offensive weapons to advance. Bengals 19, Jets 16.

Philadelphia (+4) at DALLAS [45]: So which Dallas shows up – the Cowboys who have traditionally found a way to lose in big games, or the Cowboys who have looked like world beaters the last few weeks?
We have been pimping the Eagles since the beginning of the season (Philly vs. San Diego was our Super Bowl pick), and just because they got their asses handed to them last week, that’s no reason to stop now. Defensive coordinator Sean McDermott will be blitzing all day, and we just don’t see Dallas handling it. Eagles 27, Cowboys 23.

Baltimore (+3) at NEW ENGLAND [43]: The Ravens might be the best 9-7 team in league history. Excellent defense, solid running game – sounds like the right playoff mixture.
The whole game will likely turn on how successful Bill Belichick is in turning Julian Edelman into Wes Welker. You can’t throw the long ball if you can’t run or throw the crossing route, and against the Ravens, we don’t think the Pats will do either.
Ravens 22, Patriots 20.

Green Bay (+1.5) at ARIZONA [47]: So now we know why Matt Leinart never sees the field.
The Cardinals had two game plans drawn up – one if they could still achieve the No. 2 seed (which they couldn’t), and the other to make this possibly the worst game ever to watch. “Glitter” would have been more palatable than this.
Still, the bigger is issue whether Anquan Boldin and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie can suit up. We’re betting both will, but with Arizona 4-4 at home … Packers 24, Cardinals 21.

Lock of the Week: Cincinnati

2009 Week 17 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 12-4
Against The Spread: 5-10-1
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-150

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 179-76
Against The Spread: 131-121-6
Lock of the Week: 9-8
Trifecta: 3-14
Money: $+810

2009 Week 17 Money Spent: $0
2009 Week 17 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $215
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-15

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Picks 2009 Week 17, where we’re not exactly finishing strong.

The Hoser managed just an 8-7-1 record against the spread and was 11-5 straight up. Miami blew both the Lock of the Week and the Trifecta for us, but frankly, we weren’t close enough to have it matter.

This week’s lines are cobbled together from several sources, including Danny Sheridan in the USA Today, vegasinsider.com and others. Oddsmakers are justifiably nervous after watching the Colts playing the second cousins of their fourth stringers against the Jets last week. Merry Christmas, Indy fans – here’s your chance to pay good money to see the practice squad blow your perfect season!

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as setting your daughter up with Charlie Sheen.

Indianapolis (+7) at BUFFALO [NL]: Hell, who knows who the Colts will play this week? Maybe Bert Jones isn’t busy! Bills 20, Colts 16.

New Orleans (+7) at CAROLINA [NL]: Who’s the patron saint of stinking up the end of a fantastic season? Saint Mercury Morris? Saints 22, Panthers 20.

Jacksonville (+1.5) at CLEVELAND [37.5]: With Mike Holmgren now on board, Browns’ fans will expect him to do for Brady Quinn or Derek Anderson what he did with Matt Hasselbeck and Brett Favre – which is the definition of making chicken salad out of chicken shit. Browns 20, Jaguars 17.

Philadelphia (+3) at DALLAS [47]: Ah, so apparently the December curse must be over because the Cowboys beat a slumping Saints squad and Washington? Not! Eagles 27, Cowboys 24.

Chicago (-3) at DETROIT [45]: Didn’t anyone else see the Bears beat the Vikings Monday night? Are we missing something here? Bears 27, Lions 17.

New England (+8) at HOUSTON [46]: We don’t care if Brady, Moss and Belichick are all at the mall shopping on Sunday – the Pats still cover. Texans 21, Patriots 17.

Pittsburgh (-3) at MIAMI [45.5]: Go ahead and start printing up your Terrell Owens Dolphins jerseys right now. Steelers 23, Dolphins 19.

New York Giants (+9) at MINNESOTA [47.5]: Welcome to the “Who’s Been More Disappointing Lately?” Bowl! Vikings 29, Giants 21.

Cincinnati (+10) at NY JETS [35]: He’ll most likely be rested in this game, but why isn’t Cedric Benson getting some MVP love? Who’s been more valuable to his team this season? Jets 22, Bengals 13.

San Francisco (-7) at ST. LOUIS [40.5]: You’d think Steve Spagnuolo’s suffering in St. Louis, but he’s not. Imo’s Pizza and toasted ravioli heals all wounds. 49ers 22, Rams 16.

Atlanta (-2.5) at TAMPA BAY [41.5]: Speaking of awards, we dare you to figure out how Buccaneers head coach Raheem Morris won a single game with this team. We hope he gets a vote for Coach of the Year. Falcons 21, Buccaneers 20.

Green Bay (+3) at ARIZONA [44]: Given the possibility of these two teams facing one another in the first round of the playoffs, get ready to see guys you’ve never heard of carrying the ball. ‘Zona needs it more, though. Cardinals 25, Packers 17.

Kansas City (+13) at DENVER [38]: Jamaal Charles, baby, 35 freakin’ times! Broncos 26, Chiefs 16.

Baltimore (-10.5) at OAKLAND [38]: We’d love to see the Raiders attempt a field goal on every fourth down no matter the field position. Over/under on SeaBass’s leg – 66 yards. Ravens 26, Raiders 13.

Washington (+4) at SAN DIEGO [39]: (to be sung) “Zorrrrnnnn freeeeeeee, because as a coooooooach, he blows …” Chargers 27, Racists 10.

Tennessee (-4) at SEATTLE [44]: If we invite Jeff Fisher over for a playoff game, think he’ll wear his Manning jersey? Titans 24, Seahawks 10.

Lock of the Week: Chicago
Trifecta: Chicago, Tennessee, San Diego

2009 Week 16 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 11-5
Against The Spread: 8-7-1
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-570

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 167-72
Against The Spread: 126-111-5
Lock of the Week: 8-8
Trifecta: 3-15
Money: $+960

2009 Week 16 Money Spent: $0
2009 Week 16 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $215
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-15

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Picks 2009 Week 16, where we got our lump of coal a week early.

After having several good weeks in a row, The Hoser hit the nog hard and stumbled to an awful 4-10-2 mark against the spread and just 8-8 straight up. San Diego’s struggles with the Bengals cost us the Lock of the Week and the Trifecta.

Due to my illness and the Christmas rush here in The Hoser’s workshop, it’ll just be the picks this week with an occasional observation. Those, however, are more than likely just as funny as what we normally do.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as getting your wife that lingerie in an "XL" for Christmas.

Seattle (+14) at GREEN BAY [41.5]: Hammered by Tampa last week, here are other Bays which could beat Seattle – Green Bay, The Bay of Fundy, Jason Bay and any random cast of Baywatch. Packers 37, Seahawks 14.

Oakland (+3) at CLEVELAND [38]: The Raiders are about as predictable as Al Davis off his meds (Editor’s note: The Hoser has no knowledge of Mr. Davis actually being on any type of medication. If he isn’t, however, he should be.). Browns 20, Raiders 16.

Kansas City (+13) at CINCINNATI [40]: Bengals 27, Chiefs 17.

Buffalo (+9) at ATLANTA [41]: Falcons 24, Bills 17.

Houston (+3) at MIAMI [45]: Congrats to Ricky Williams for topping 1,000 rushing yards this season. No, there’s not a marijuana joke coming. Dolphins 22, Texans 17.

Carolina (+7.5) at NY GIANTS [42.5]: Anyone else sick of Gilly on SNL yet? Giants 26, Panthers 19.

Tampa Bay (+14) at NEW ORLEANS [49]: Saints 33, Buccaneers 14.

Jacksonville (+8) at NEW ENGLAND [43.5]: Patriots 24, Jaguars 14.

Baltimore (+3) at PITTSBURGH [42]: Steelers 20, Ravens 19.

Denver (+7) at PHILADELPHIA [41.5]: The Eagles awarded Michael Vick the Ed Block Courage Award this week. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Eagles 26, Broncos 20.

St. Louis (+14) at ARIZONA [43.5]: Cardinals 28, Rams 17.

Detroit (+13) at SAN FRANCISCO [41]: Putting Calvin Johnson in Detroit’s offense is like giving Van Gogh one of those Stanley paint sprayers. 49ers 26, Lions 10.

New York Jets (+5.5) at INDIANAPOLIS [40.5]: Will Peyton play past the first quarter? Does it really matter? Colts 27, Jets 14.

Dallas (-7) at WASHINGTON [42]: Do you get the idea Jim Zorn draws up plays on toilet paper while he’s in the can? Cowboys 24, Racists 19.

Minnesota (-7) at CHICAGO [41]: Here’s a tip for Brett Favre: Quarterbacks run the offense on the field, while head coaches run the entire time all the time. Note the difference. Vikings 23, Bears 14.

Lock of the Week: Miami
Trifecta: Miami, Indianapolis, Minnesota

2009 Week 14 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-8
Against The Spread: 4-10-2
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-1,200

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 156-67
Against The Spread: 118-104-4
Lock of the Week: 8-7
Trifecta: 3-12
Money: $+1,530

2009 Week 15 Money Spent: $0
2009 Week 15 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $215
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-15

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Just throwing this up there -- sick as a dog and headed to bed:

San Diego (-5) at TENNESSEE: We're rooting for Chris Johnson, but we're betting on the Chargers. Chargers 30, Titans 24.

Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Picks 2009 Week 15, where we're just flat out of time.

The Hoser continued to roll in Week 14, posting a 10-6 record against the spread and 12-4 straight up. The Cowboys didn’t let us down, choking one off against the Chargers to nail down the Lock. Unfortunately, Arizona and its amazing juggling act cost us the Trifecta. Can’t have everything – where would you put it? (Remind me to send a nickel to Steven Wright.)

Many of these lines are lifted from vegasinsider.com because Danny Sheridan wouldn’t list the lines on games with major injuries. We understand, but we don’t have that problem because our picks are about as scientific as a Baptist revival.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as waiting until the last minute and buying your wife's gifts at the 7-11.

Indianapolis (-3) at JACKSONVILLE [43]: Apparently the Jaguar mascot got hung up 100 feet in the air over the field before last week's game. Pretty fitting metaphor for Jacksonville's progress this season, huh? Colts 23, Jaguars 17.

Dallas (+7.5) at NEW ORLEANS [53.5]: Think the Cowboys have started booking their February golf outings yet? Saints 31, Cowboys 23.

Green Bay (+2) at PITTSBURGH [41]: Ah, we remember when Mike Tomlin was a young genius. Didn't that happen to Eric Mangini? Packers 22, Steelers 19.

Miami (+3) at TENNESSEE [40]: One streak ends and another begins. Titans 24, Dolphins 20.

New England (-7) at BUFFALO [40.5]: Functioning without an offensive coordinator this season, the Patriots have had trouble scoring. Too bad you can’t say the same for that mascot dude. Patriots 24, Bills 14.

Arizona (-12) at DETROIT [46.5]: If the Cardinals turn the ball over seven times this week, they’re still going to win, aren’t they? Cardinals 37, Lions 17.

San Francisco (+8) at PHILADELPHIA [42.5]: The Hoser released 49ers tight end Vernon Davis from his fantasy team last season. Twice. No, we're not winning our league this year, either. Eagles 27, 49ers 17.

Atlanta (+5) at NY JETS [NL]: When is Broadway Mark Sanchez going to do a pantyhose ad? Jets 21, Falcons 19.

Chicago (+11) at BALTIMORE [40.5]: You know things are going bad when Bears fans are fondly reminiscing about the Dick Jauron era. Ravens 23, Bears 14.

Cleveland (+1.5) at KANSAS CITY [37]: There's nothing funny about this match-up. Chiefs 20, Browns 17.

Houston (-10) at ST. LOUIS [43]: The line on this game is delayed because Rams quarterback Marc Bulger may be sidelined again. We can’t figure out if that would move it for or against St. Louis, though. Texans 29, Rams 16.

Cincinnati (+6.5) at SAN DIEGO [43.5]: RIP Chris Henry. Chargers 26, Bengals 17.

Oakland (+14) at DENVER [37]: This is a statement game. For the Broncos, it's a chance to solidify their playoff hopes. For the Raiders, it's another chance to say, "Yes, we completely fucked up our last few first-round draft picks." Broncos 31, Raiders 13.

Tampa Bay (+6.5) at SEATTLE [39.5]: These two teams should skip the game and have an "Ugliest Alternate Uniform" catwalkoff. Seahawks 27, Buccaneers 17.

Minnesota (-9) at CAROLINA [43]: Tougher to kick -- a crack addiction or our reliance on Jake Delhomme jokes. We've got the shakes thinking about him retiring already. Vikings 38, Panthers 17.

NY Giants (-3) at WASHINGTON [44]: We hate to admit it, but Washington starting to look pretty decent. Ugh ... we need a shower. Racists 23, GIants 22.

Lock of the Week: San Diego
Trifecta: San Diego, Minnesota, Green Bay

2009 Week 14 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 12-4
Against The Spread: 10-6
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $740

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 148-59
Against The Spread: 114-94-2
Lock of the Week: 8-6
Trifecta: 3-11
Money: $+2,730

2009 Week 14 Money Spent: $0
2009 Week 14 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $215
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-15

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Just posting the score for tonight's game -- the rest of The Hoser will follow tomorrow.

Indianapolis (-3) at JACKSONVILLE [43]: Apparently the Jaguar mascot got hung up 100 feet in the air over the field before last week's game. Pretty fitting metaphor for Jacksonville's progress this season, huh? Colts 23, Jaguars 17.

Another solid week for The Hoser, although Kurt Warner deciding to turn back the clock and help his team become the Arizona Turnovers cost us the Trifecta.

Lock of the Week: San Diego
Trifecta: New York Jets, San Diego, Arizona

2009 Week 14 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 12-4
Against The Spread: 10-6
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $740

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 148-59
Against The Spread: 114-94-2
Lock of the Week: 8-6
Trifecta: 3-11
Money: $+2,730

Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Picks 2009 Week 14, where we’ll be doing our Christmas shopping wherever Falcons defensive tackle Jonathan Babineaux pick up his one-and-a-half ounce goodie bag.

The Hoser was above .500 again at 9-7 both against the spread and straight up, but the Saints struggling against Washington cost us both our Lock and the Trifecta. We’re still up for the year, but the run of Locks is over and this week, it doesn’t look much better.

New England head coach Bill Belichick sent four players home Wednesday after they were late for an 8 a.m. meeting. Linebacker Adalius Thomas said, “You can't run people over getting to work, so there ain't nothing to really apologize (for).” Apparently, he never caught a ride with Randy Moss.

In other tangentially sports-related news, Tiger and Elin Woods are now rumoured to be moving to a private island in Scandinavia to get away from the publicity. Real reason – Ekin doesn’t know it, but the Swedish Bikini Team’s training facilities are on the next island over.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as turning your back on Flozell Adams.

Pittsburgh (-10) at CLEVELAND [33]: There could be less scoring here than in the Woods compound this weekend. Steelers 19, Browns 10.

Denver (+7) at INDIANAPOLIS [44]: Indianapolis has struggled early in games all season. That’ll keep this one tight enough until the end to let the Broncos cover. Colts 26, Broncos 21.

Cincinnati (+6.5) at MINNESOTA [43]: So apparently all you have to stop the Vikings is shut down Adrian Peterson. And all you have to do solve the world’s energy problems is create cold fusion. Vikings 24, Bengals 20.

NY Jets (-3) at TAMPA BAY [37]: Somewhere, “Ice Road Truckers” is on. Go find it. Jets 20, Buccaneers 14.

Buffalo (PK) at KANSAS CITY [37]: Ryan Fitzpatrick vs. Matt Cassel. Not exactly Montana vs. Marino, is it? Bills 21, Chiefs 17.

Green Bay (-3) at CHICAGO [41]: Officials have now announced the reason the Salahis were able to sneak into a White House dinner – the Secret Service hired off-duty Green Bay offensive linemen as security. Packers 23, Bears 17.

New Orleans (-10.5) at ATLANTA [50]: That wasn’t a bullet the Saints dodged last week – it was an ICBM. It won’t be so rough this week. Saints 30, Falcons 20.

Detroit (+13.5) at BALTIMORE [40]: In their last three games, the Ravens have faced Indianapolis, Pittsburgh and Green Bay. Welcome then, Baltimore, to what is known as your “informal bye week.” Ravens 26, Lions 16.

Miami (+3) at JACKSONVILLE [44]: The Jaguars are 7-5 despite being outscored 225-273 this season. Go ahead and make that Scooby-Doo “UhhHH?!?” noise – we did. (And yes, Scooby-Doo is hyphenated. We checked.) Jaguars 23, Dolphins 21.

Carolina (+13.5) at NEW ENGLAND [44]: The Panthers are saying Matt Moore is starting at quarterback because of Jake Delhomme’s finger. That’s only because it’s considered rude to list Delhomme as “Questionable: Sucks Ass” on the injury report. Patriots 27, Panthers 16.

Seattle (+6) at HOUSTON [44.5]: This doesn’t have anything to do with the game, but are people still buying their daughters Bratz dolls for Christmas? Seriously? “Hey, hun, play with these little training whores!” Texans 27, Seahawks 20.

St. Louis (+13) at TENNESSEE [41]: There is some good news for the Rams … actually, no, there isn’t. We were hoping we’d think of something before the end of this sentence. Titans 27, Rams 16.

Washington (-1) at OAKLAND [37.5]: Who’s having the tougher time getting a win in the nation’s capital these days – the football team or Obama? Amiright? Raiders 22, Racists 20.

San Diego (+3) at DALLAS [48.5]: Did you know the Cowboys are 15-27 in December since 2000? We bet Jerry Jones knows, and he’ll be sure to tell Wade Phillips when he cans him at the end of the season. Chargers 30, Cowboys 23.

Philadelphia (+1) at NY GIANTS [44.5]: Swear to God, if you click to the Eagles’ home page from nfl.com right now, they have an intro using the same music Spongebob Squarepants uses for Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy episodes. Don’t ask how we know that. Eagles 24, Giants 21.

Arizona (-3.5) at SAN FRANCISCO [44.5]: Is there some reason Brett Favre gets all the love he does and Kurt Warner gets little to no attention? Who has the better story, and which one is not a self-absorbed prima donna? Cardinals 27, 49ers 17.

Lock of the Week: San Diego
Trifecta: New York Jets, San Diego, Arizona

2009 Week 13 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 9-7
Against The Spread: 9-7
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-470

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 136-55
Against The Spread: 104-86-2
Lock of the Week: 7-6
Trifecta: 3-10
Money: $+1,990

2009 Week 10 Money Spent: $0
2009 Week 10 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $215
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-15

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Picks 2009 Week 13, where we promise to refrain from any Tiger Woods one-liners – at least until the third graph.

The Hoser squeaked over the .500 mark against the spread at 8-7-1 and was 13-3 straight up. What we’ve learned this season is to stop picking schmucks as the Lock, as Indianapolis came through for us again to put us in the black for the week. What wev haven’t learned is to stop picking schmucks in our Trifecta, and the Raiders sank us once again.

Are we at the third graph yet?

We thought about doing an all-Tiger week, but why take food out of Jay Leno’s mouth? Seriously, though, Tiger will lose tons of endorsements, but we think he could hook up with Astroglide. He’ll need a case after the divorce reaming that might be coming down the pike.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as not having that fire hydrant at the end of your driveway painted a really bright shade of yellow.

NY Jets (-3) at BUFFALO [37]: The Bills will put Ryan Fitzpatrick under centre again. Fitzpatrick played his college ball at Harvard, which means if he has any success at all he’ll be smart enough to get the hell out of Buffalo when his contract’s up. Bills 20, Jets 19.

Denver (-4.5) at KANSAS CITY [38]: Does anyone else play for the Chiefs besides Chris Chambers? Broncos 24, Chiefs 17.

Oakland (+14.5) at PITTSBURGH [37]: Yep. We’ll bite again. Steelers 24, Raiders 13.

Houston (PK) at JACKSONVILLE [46.5]: We know it says, “Pick ‘em,” but do we have to? Jaguars 23, Texans 21.

Tennessee (+6.5) at INDIANAPOLIS [47]: Oof. How do you pick against an undefeated powerhouse like the Colts? Just like this. Titans 22, Colts 19.

Philadelphia (-5.5) at ATLANTA [44]: No Matt Ryan. No Michael Turner. No chance. Eagles 26, Falcons 14.

Detroit (+13) at CINCINNATI [42]: The Lions may be forced to play third-string QB Drew Stanton, and if he gets hurt, Eric Hipple will be warming up. Bengals 27, Lions 17.

New Orleans (-9.5) at WASHINGTON [47.5]: You guys are aware the Saints just beat the Patriots like Elin beat … oh, nevermind. Saints 34, Redskins 16.

Tampa Bay (+6.5) at CAROLINA [40]: Panthers QB Jake Delhomme will apparently miss this contest with a broken finger, which raises the question – how could they tell? Buccaneers 20, Panthers 19.

St. Louis (+9) at CHICAGO [41]: This is our sneaky pick of the week, but not because we know anything special about the Rams. We just know the Bears totally suck. Bears 21, Rams 17.

San Diego (-13) at CLEVELAND [43]: You know who could straighten out the Browns? Former University of Kansas head coach Mark Mangino. Well, straighten them out or eat them. Chargers 34, Browns 10.

San Francisco (PK) at SEATTLE [41.5]: We know it’s tough to play in Seattle, but this line makes it seem like the seventh level of Hell. And everyone knows that’s in Oakland. 49ers 23, Seahawks 20.

Minnesota (-5) at ARIZONA [48]: Kurt Warner comes back from a concussion for the Cardinals just in time to get his head beaten in by Jared Allen. Vikings 27, Cardinals 21.

Dallas (-2.5) at NY GIANTS [45]: In our heads, we still hear Pat Summerall calling these games. Cowboys 21, Giants 20.

New England (-6) at MIAMI [46.5]: Given the season so far and the negativity around the Pats, doesn’t it seem like their record should be much worse than 7-4? They’re leading their division by two games, people! Patriots 24, Miami 21.

Baltimore (+3) at GREEN BAY [43.5]: We’d give you an over/under on sacks on Aaron Rodgers, but we still don’t know how to make the infinity sign on our keyboard. Packers 22, Ravens 13.

Lock of the Week: New Orleans
Trifecta: Denver, New Orleans, Green Bay

2009 Week 12 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 13-3
Against The Spread: 8-7-1
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $430

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 127-48
Against The Spread: 95-79-2
Lock of the Week: 7-5
Trifecta: 3-9
Money: $2,460

2009 Week 10 Money Spent: $10
2009 Week 10 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $215
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-15

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.