Friday, October 20, 2006

Welcome to Week Seven of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where our ability to pick a winner last week ranked right up there with Mickey Rooney's ability to pick a wife.

The Hoser struggled to a 6-7 record against the spread and 7-6 straight up, but not only did we blow the Lock of the Week, but we missed all three of our picks in the Trifecta. In other words, the three games of which we were most sure, we were wrong. There's good news, though -- we're being asked to select new TV shows for CBS next season.

Still, we didn't tank as badly as the Arizona Cardinals. Two fumble returns and a punt return for a touchdown in the final 20 minutes to fall to the Bears? Head coach Dennis Green fired his offensive coordinator, but he'd better be hiring someone to help them with choking.

For a job this big, we recommend Jeanna Fine.

I'm also working on a new play sure to be a Broadway smash. It's an adaptation of a Neil Simon work about two sharpies who are forced to share an apartment on the Vegas Strip -- starring Danny Sheridan and Roxy Roxborough, it's "The Odds Couple"! Anyway, we use Sheridan's USA Today odds as the spread.

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Mark Foley handle your high school drama club’s production of “The Birdcage”.

San Diego @ KANSAS CITY (+5): Chiefs head coach Herm Edwards said this week there is no timetable for quarterback Trent Green's return to the practice field. There’s also no timetable for the Chiefs to get some blocking up front. Chargers 30, Chiefs 13.

Jacksonville @ HOUSTON (+9.5): Did you know Ozzy Osbourne was once arresting for peeing on The Alamo, that famous Texas landmark? Well, if you bet the Jags to cover this week, urine the money! Jacksonville 27, Houston 13.

New England @ BUFFALO (+5.5): With the NFL ordering the Patriots to put down new grass in Foxboro, can it be long before Dave Chappelle films a concert movie there? Patriots 23, Bills 17.

Pittsburgh @ ATLANTA (+2.5): There is no truth to the rumour that QB Ben Roethlisberger's stellar performance last week came after the Steelers forced him to have his appendix put back in. Pittsburgh 26, Atlanta 22.

Green Bay @ MIAMI (-4.5): Packer QB Brett Favre expressed his displeasure at a press conference over the NFL banning WR Koren Robinson from contact with the team, saying it wouldn't help Robinson overcome his addiction. It didn't help when one of the reporters told Favre to "take a chill pill". Dolphins 20, Packers 17.

Philadelphia @ TAMPA BAY (+5): Has anyone seen Bucs’ QB Bruce Gradkowski and former NHL star Mark Messier in the same room? Eagles 33, Buccaneers 17.

Detroit @ N.Y. JETS (-3.5): In Lions’ news, apparently neither Roy Williams or Matt Millen did or said anything stupid this week. Damn. Jets 22, Lions 16.

Carolina @ CINCINNATI (-3.5): Driving on I-71 the other day, I saw an Amber Alert -- for the Bengals’ offense. Panthers 27, Bengals 20.

Denver @ CLEVELAND (+4.5): In an effort to combat the upcoming chilly weather at The Mistake By The Lake, the Browns are looking for new hot beverages to warm fans. In honour of their running back situation, we wholeheartedly endorse a coffee-and-milk concoction called "The Cleveland Steamer". Broncos 27, Browns 19.

Washington @ INDIANAPOLIS (-9): Unless Clinton Portis can sneak onto the field disguised as four extra defensive backs, the Redskins are going to get smoked. Colts 31, Redskins 21.

Minnesota @ SEATTLE (-6.5): A bye week ends for the Vikings with no boat trips and no DUIs? How can you pick against them?!? Easy. Seahawks 27, Vikings 16.

Arizona @ OAKLAND (+3): In an effort to drum up viewers for this game, FOX has paid the other major networks to air “Just Shoot Me” re-runs against it. That’s a tough choice. Cardinals 27, Raiders 19.

New York Giants @ DALLAS (-3): You all know I’m not a Terrell Owens fan, but anyone who can make Cowboys head coach Bill Parcells look like he’s trying to swallow a salty ottoman gets props in my book. Cowboys 20, Giants 19.

Lock of the Week: Carolina

Trifecta: Carolina, Seattle, Philadelphia

Week Six:

6-7 ATS

7-6 SU

0-1 LOTW

0-1 Trifecta

-$830

Overall:

45-41-1 ATS

65-22 SU

2-4 Lock

1-5 Trifecta

-$1,440

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