Hoser's Note: The timestamp on this refers to the time and date this piece began. I don't know the lines that far in advance -- not that it would do me any good.

Welcome to Week Nine of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where much like the slashers and high-stickers of goalie Denis Lemieux's dreams ... we feel shame.

The Hoser, in front of the world (and more importantly, our new friends at draftsharks.com), we had by far our worst week of the season -- 5-9 straight up and a stupefying 3-11 against the spread. Seriously, there hasn't been a debut this awful since Monday Night Football tried to pretend Eric Dickerson had a firm grasp on the English language.

In the interesting feud of the week, ESPN talking head Michael Irvin tried to declare himself a character guy Monday night after New York running back Tiki Barber trashed him on a radio show last week. We think Irvin went too far, however, when he said that all great leaders throughout history had deviated septums.

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Kevin Federline promote your new line of bath products for men.

Kansas City @ ST. LOUIS (-2): My fantasy league has set a rule for next season -- if you own Chiefs RB Larry Johnson, the rest of your team must be comprised of Arizona Cardinals. I think I'd still take him. Chiefs 30, Rams 24.

Cincinnati @ BALTIMORE (-3): Bengals WR Chad Johnson may have tangoed in the end zone last week, but I'm pretty sure the Ravens' defense will be tap-dancing on his ass this week. Ravens 19, Bengals 14.

Houston @ N.Y. GIANTS (-13): I don't think Texans back-up quarterback Sage Rosenfels has much of a chance to take away David Carr's starting job. He does, however, have a great shot at having some sort of potato side dish named after him. NY Giants 29, Houston 13.

Tennessee @ JACKSONVILLE (-10): Titans cornerback Adam "Pac-Man" Jones received a one-game suspension this week after spitting on a woman at a party. Jones said he wouldn't appeal, but that the punishment was a bit more than he expectorated. Jaguars 23, Titans 16.

Dallas @ WASHINGTON (+3): Dallas police fielded several 911 calls this week from trick-or-treaters who were excessively frightened after stopping at Cowboys owner Jerry Jones's house. No charges were filed, however, after Jones explained that his face looked that way all the time. Cowboys 30, Redskins 17.

Green Bay @ BUFFALO (-3.5): It's too bad Packers QB Brett Favre isn't pitching Pepto Bismol instead of Prilosec, because I'm pretty sure if I hear from one more announcer say how much fun Favre's having this season, I'm going to throw up. Packers 24, Bills 20.

New Orleans @ TAMPA BAY (+1): Saints quarterback Drew Brees has asked his mother to pull his picture from her campaign ads in Texas. Brees denied rumours, however, that his jersey would say "CRAWFORD" on the back this week. Saints 26, Bucs 22.

Atlanta @ DETROIT (+4.5): This week's Matt Millen joke: Millen is driving through the country, out to do some big-game hunting, when he comes to a fork in the road. A large sign reads "BEAR LEFT" ... so Millen goes home. Falcons 30, Lions 20.

Miami @ CHICAGO (-13): I give. The Bears are He-Man and the rest of the NFL is Trap-Jaw before them. And yes, I know -- The Hoser is Orko, always Orko. Bears 34, Dolphins 17.

Minnesota @ SAN FRANCISCO (+5): Who gets hammered faster -- the 49ers after surrendering 41 first-half points last week or Joe Namath on a cold Monday night? Vikings 30, 49ers 20.

Cleveland @ SAN DIEGO (-12.5): Cleveland area sportswriters confirmed that Browns head coach Romeo Crennel sang a few lines from an undisclosed song to his team before they beat the Jets. That's not that unusual, actually -- Cards head coach Dennis Green reportedly sings Beck's "Loser" to his squad every week. Chargers 27, Browns 13.

Denver @ PITTSBURGH (-2.5): Due to the loss of Verron Haynes, the Steelers will be forced to rely on running back Najeh Davenport at the goal line. Given his laundry basket adventures in college, The Hoser still snickers when an announcer says Ben Roethlisberger has dumped a pass off to him. Broncos 26, Steelers 23.

New England @ INDIANAPOLIS (+3): There's no doubt he's a great coach, but who dressed Patriots head man Bill Belichick last week, Jennifer Beals? Maybe he heard it was "Hans & Franz" night at the Metrodome. Colts 26, Patriots 24.

Oakland @ SEATTLE (-7.5): Raiders WR Randy moss is smiling again, which means one of two things -- either he's getting more balls thrown to him or Oakland's city council has reduced the punishment for running over meter maids to a $50 fine. Raiders 27, Seahawks 26.

Lock of the Week: Oakland

Trifecta: Oakland, New Orleans, Minnesota

Week Seven:

3-11 ATS

5-9 SU

0-1 LOTW

0-1 Trifecta

-$1,300

Overall:

53-59-1 ATS

73-40 SU

2-6 Lock

1-7 Trifecta

-$3,570