Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Welcome to Week One of The Hoser's NFL Picks. This will be the third season The Hoser will being offering his opinions, snarks and half-baked thoughts. It might also be the first he actually finishes.

We here at THNP would like to make a few promises to you before we kick off Thursday night, promises that may make you more comfortable in reading us every week:

* We promise to limit ourselves to one snide comment about Terrell Owens per week.
* We promise never to post pictures of ourselves dressed up as Michael Irvin or Deion Sanders for Halloween. It's too hard to find a purple crushed velvet suit coat in a 58 long anyway.
* We promise we'll make no reference to Jon Gruden's facial contortions, no matter how much it looks like he needs a laxative.
* We promise not to give out your email or personal information to our new administrative assistant and driver, Maurice Clarett.

We use Danny Sheridan's USA Today odds as the spread, mainly because Jimmy Kimmel finally got that restraining order.

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is as advisable as driving erratically in San Diego.

Miami at PITTSBURGH (-1): TMNP favourite Ben Roethlisberger is out for at least the opener after having an emergency appendectomy. I was going to start a "Batch Watch", but my assistant pointed out that it doesn't rhyme. Damn it. Steelers 23, Dolphins 20.

Denver at ST. LOUIS (+3.5): Sing along, Rams fans -- Ding dong, Mike Martz is dead! We'll run the ball, we'll run the ball! Ding dong, the stupid putz is dead! Still won't be enough. Broncos 28, Rams 20.

NY Jets at TENNESSEE (-2.5): Are you ready for the Billy Volek Kerry Collins era? Yeah, neither am I. Jets 19, Titans 13.

Buffalo at NEW ENGLAND (-9): On a squad that features J.P Losman and Kelly Holcombe at QB and brought back Peerless Price to play wide reciever, the Bills drafted in the first round ... a safety. Meanwhile, the Pats grabbed Laurence Maroney and traded for Doug Gabriel. Good grief. Patriots 34, Bills 17.

Baltimore at TAMPA BAY (-3): How telling is it that Ravens fans are geeked about getting 58-year-old Steve McNair? Woohoo indeed. Buccaneers 22, Ravens 16.

Cincinnati at KANSAS CITY (-2.5): I know it's Herm Edwards instead of Dick Vermeil, but I guarantee you after Herm sees this team without Willie Roaf and any decent wide receivers, he'll be crying, too. Bengals 26, Chiefs 23.

Seattle at DETROIT (+6): Just six points? This offense shines brighter than Matt Hasslebeck's head. Seahawks 34, Lions 13.

Atlanta at CAROLINA (-6): The Falcons traded to acquire whiny receiver Ashley Lelie. Why? Michael Vick should already be playing that position. Panthers 22, Falcons 19.

New Orleans at CLEVELAND (-3): If you think of the NFL as high drama and tragedy, this game is like Carrot Top co-starring in a play with Pauly Shore. Browns 20, Saints 19.

Philadelphia at HOUSTON (+5): For all you Texans fans complaining about your team passing on Reggie Bush in favor of Mario Williams, would you shut up? I mean, for God's sake, you just signed Ron Dayne! Eagles 30, Texans 17.

Dallas at JACKSONVILLE (-2.5): With Greg Jones gone for the season, Jaguar fans must pray for Fred Taylor to stay healthy ... which is like praying for Glass Joe to whup Mike Tyson in PunchOut. Cowboys 24, Jags 23.

Chicago at GREEN BAY (+3.5): Everyone's concerned about Brett Favre, but I'm more worried about the Packers cutting RB Najeh Davenport. I mean, he could be headed for the CFL, Toronto still needs running backs ... and I'll have to hide my laundry baskets. Bears 22, Packers 16.

San Francisco at ARIZONA (-7.5): Good news for San Fran fans -- it's entirely possible 49ers QB Alex Smith could match his 2005 season total for passing TDs on Sunday. Cardinals 29, 49ers 13.

Indianapolis at NY GIANTS (+3.5): Which do you suppose is greater -- the payroll of the New York Yankees or the Giants' bill to feed back-up QB Jared Lorenzen? Giants 31, Colts 29.

Minnesota at WASHINGTON (-5): The Vikings have lost Moss and Culpepper in recent years, but hey, at least they hung onto their Johnson. Vikings 23, Redskins 21.

San Diego at OAKLAND (+3): Has anyone ever seen Raider QB Aaron Brooks in the same room as Martin Lawrence? Chargers 27, Raiders 10.

Lock of the Week: San Diego

Trifecta: San Diego, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh

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