Friday, September 22, 2006

Welcome to Week Three of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where with the renewed interest in goofball QB Jeff George and Atlanta’s signing of 46-year-old kick Morten Anderson, we’re betting a new NFL sponsor will soon be “Oops, I Crapped My Pants.”

We had another solid week at THNP, scoring a 10-6 ATS and 14-2 straight up. Unfortunately, St. Louis chose to channel the departed Mike Martz and give Steven Jackson only 24 touches, costing us our Lock of the Week and the Trifecta.

We’ll be upping the Lock of the Week to $500 to keep the weekly outlay at $2K a week. After hearing the news and considering our Lock track record, my bookie sent me a bouquet of pansies.

We use Danny Sheridan's USA Today odds as the spread, mainly because we tried I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, but it just gets the computer all slippery.

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is as advisable as taking Alex Rodriguez into a mirror store.

NY Jets @ BUFFALO (-5.5): The Bills racked up a whopping 161 yards of total offense last week, or a shorter distance than the total number of trips I make to the fridge for beer on Sundays. Jets 17, Bills 16.

Cincinnati @ PITTSBURGH (-2): THNP doesn’t wish ill to Chad Johnson, but couldn’t that vicious shot he took have at least forced him to have his jaw wired shut for the next 5-6 months? Bengals 23, Steelers 17.

Jacksonville @ INDIANAPOLIS (-7): Peyton Manning threw for 400 yards and three TDs last week, but in terms of defense, Houston is to Jacksonville as Clay Aiken is to Andrea Bocelli. Colts 26, Jaguars 24.

Tennessee @ MIAMI (-11): What do the end zones in NFL stadiums and cans of StarKist have in common? They’re both dolphin-free. Dolphins 13, Titans 10.

Washington @ HOUSTON (+4): I swear, most of the match-ups this week are about as appealing as walking in on your grandmother in the bathroom. Redskins 23, Texans 17.

Chicago @ MINNESOTA (+3.5): Instant contest -- anyone able to name more than one receiver from each team wins a free “I SAILED WITH THE VIKINGS AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY VENEREAL DISEASE” t-shirt! Vikings 20, Bears 17.

Carolina @ TAMPA BAY (+3): Buccaneer QB Chris Simms is struggling mightily with his decision-making, and from whom does he get advice? President Bush. That’s like asking Dick Cheney to teach a gun-safety course. Panthers 29, Buccaneers 17.

Green Bay @ DETROIT (-6.5): In honour of Lions receiver Roy Williams, I’m making my own promise this week – he’ll underachieve. Lions 23, Packers 16.

Baltimore @ CLEVELAND (+6.5): Browns TE Kellen Winslow Jr. said this week he felt the coaching staff was holding back the offense with conservative playcalling. Head coach Romeo Crennel responded by saying he’d rather have Michael Winslow on his team. Ravens 30, Browns 14.

St. Louis @ ARIZONA (-4.5): The Cardinals have rejected a bid to buy their new stadium’s naming rights by a restaurant chain called The Pink Taco. I have no joke, but I hear Ellen DeGeneres called about season tickets. Cardinals 29, Rams 20.

NY Giants @ SEATTLE (-3.5): Fantasy owners everywhere last week were screaming, “Oh, yes, it IS a Toomer!” Not this week, though. Seahawks 24, Giants 23.

Philadelphia @ SAN FRANCISCO (+6): Last week, the Eagles collapsed like a soufflĂ© in Neil Peart’s kitchen. The 49ers will be on hand to prop them back up. Eagles 28, 49ers 13.

Denver @ NEW ENGLAND (-7): I wish the Broncos would make a deal for Giants back-up QB Jared Lorenzen. Then I could make a killing on “Jake And The Fatman” t-shirts in Denver. Patriots 23, Broncos 17.

Atlanta at NEW ORLEANS (+4): The Saints announced this week they have moved all their seats via the season-ticket route for the remainder of the season. I understand owner Tom Benson brought in Elton John to advise them on selling out. Falcons 22, Saints 16.

Lock of the Week: Carolina
Trifecta: Carolina, Philadelphia, Baltimore

Week Two:
10-6 ATS
14-2 SU
0-1 Lock
0-1 Trifecta
-$180

Overall:
19-13 ATS
25-7 SU
1-1 Lock
1-1 Trifecta
+$710

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