Thursday, September 28, 2006

Welcome to Week Four of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we're typing standing up after the spanking we took last week. Seriously, Hugh Grant should get in on some of this action.

There wasn't an area where we were spared. Lock? Blew it. Trifecta? Blew it. 5-8-1 against the spread? Sucked it. Even a 10-4 straight-up record isn't that great in a week isn't great. Our only consolation was calling the Miami-Tennessee exactly at 13-10. Yippee.

Still, we persevere here at THNP. It's sort like being the offensive coordinator for the Titans -- you fight on, even if you know you're doomed.

We use Danny Sheridan's USA Today odds as the spread, mainly because he leaves us the tails from all the free shrimp cocktails he gets at the sports books.

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Eric Lindros be the spokesman for your new hockey helmet.

Indianapolis @ NY JETS (+9.5): The Jets and Giants are looking to share a new stadium. Details haven't been totally worked out, but Tom Coughlin has found a location big enough to accept all dirt removed from the building site -- Jeremy Shockey's mouth. Colts 34, Jets 23.

San Diego @ BALTIMORE (+2.5): Chargers strong safety Terrence Kiel was arrested this week for shipped two cases of codeine-based cough syrup to Texas. He had an excellent reason, though -- Michael Irvin has a cold. Ravens 19, Chargers 17.

Minnesota @ BUFFALO (-1): A few Bills players have lodged complaints after saying they're somewhat uncomfortable with general manager Marv Levy. Part of it has to do with Levy standing on the sidelines at practice and yelling at the team to get off his lawn. Vikings 24, Bills 21.

Dallas @ TENNESSEE (+9.5): With T.O.'s hand and ... ahem, other issues, the Cowboys' wide receiving corps is stretched tighter than Jerry Jones's face. Won't matter. Cowboys 30, Titans 16.

San Francisco @ KANSAS CITY (-7): I wish Al Pacino was calling this game. "And who's that drilled in the backfield again? HUUUARRDDD!" Chiefs 22, 49ers 20.

New Orleans @ CAROLINA (-7.5): I'm going to Hell for saying this, but the Saints are due for a letdown after last week. Oh, and Steve Smith is back. Panthers 30, Saints 20.

Arizona @ ATLANTA (-7): The Cardinals may soon make the move to rookie quarterback Matt Leinart, but don't worry about Kurt Warner. He's already been signed to a recurring role with "The Sopranos" as a fumbling hitman known as "No Thumbs". Falcons 23, Cardinals 17.

Miami @ HOUSTON (+4): God help me, I'm picking the Texans to win a game outright. Here come the locusts. Texans 20, Dolphins 17.

Detroit @ ST. LOUIS (-5.5): I heard a rumour Rod Marinelli is already looking for an easier job than coaching the Lions. You know, like FEMA director in Louisiana. Rams 29, Lions 23.

New England @ CINCINNATI (-6): How far has the Patriots' star fallen? I heard Tom Brady actually returned Tara Reid's phone call this week. Bengals 28, Patriots 19.

Jacksonville @ WASHINGTON (+2.5): The Redskins found themselves offensively last week in Houston, but that's about as hard as finding 50 Cent at a Mormon retreat. Jaguars 27, Redskins 20.

Cleveland @ OAKLAND (+2.5): If you visit the Raiders' web site, you'll find stories on the upcoming game with the Browns in four different languages. So if you need a translation for the word "crappy", you know where to go. Browns 26, Raiders 17.

Seattle @ CHICAGO (-3.5): With Seahawks RB Shawn Alexander out, that slurping sound you hear is Bears defensive coordinator Ron Rivera salivating over getting to blitz constantly. Bears 24, Seahawks 20.

Green Bay @ PHILADELPHIA (-11.5): Brian Westbrook is the most dangerous little man since Napoleon. No, not Dynamite -- Bonaparte. Gosh! Eagles 34, Packers 23.

Lock of the Week: Minnesota

Trifecta: Minnesota, Cleveland, San Francisco

Week Three:
5-8-1 ATS
10-4 SU
0-1 Lock
0-1 Trifecta

24-21-1 ATS
35-11 SU
1-2 Lock
1-2 Trifecta

No comments: