Welcome to The Hoser's NFL Picks 2009 Week 12, where we’re donating some of our winnings to buy Devin Hester a new butt. As you saw, his has a crack in it.

The Hoser again went a cruddy 8-8 against the spread and an easy 14-2 straight up, which of course counts for nothing. The freaking Packers cost us our Trifecta by a half-point, but the Lock on Indy put us in the black again. That boosts us over $2,000 profit for the year – in fake money.

Here in Canada we celebrated Thanksgiving more than a month ago, which means The Hoser is now down to a half a Corningware dish of green-bean casserole. We had some this morning while we watched the parade from New York. Is there anything that doesn’t have a musical adapation right now? What’s next – “Pepto Bismol: Indigestion In Song?” Actually, we might see that if Andrew Lloyd Webber isn’t involved.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Lucy hold the ball.

Green Bay (-10.5) at DETROIT [47.5]: Here’s your annual chance to see the Lions get stuffed. Packers 30, Lions 20.

Oakland (+13.5) at DALLAS [40]: Talk about your home cooking for Dallas’s schedule. Still, with Bruce Gradkowski under center for the Raiders, this game might not be such a turkey after all. Cowboys 28, Raiders 17.

NY Giants (-6.5) at DENVER [42]: The Broncos or canned cranberry sauce – which will be less popular this Thursday? Giants 23, Broncos 17.

Indianapolis (-3) at HOUSTON [NL]: It may be turkey time, but if Texans kicker Kris Brown misses one more important field goal, his goose will be cooked. Colts 24, Texans 17.

Cleveland (+14) at CINCINNATI [38.5]: The Bengals rebound and gobble up Cleveland. Bengals 31, Browns 19.

Chicago (+10.5) at MINNESOTA [47]: Thanksgiving means a lot to Vikings quarterback Brett Favre. After all, he was alive for the first one. Vikings 33, Bears 19.

Washington (+9) at PHILADELPHIA [41]: Wouldn’t this be a great day for Washington to change its name? Eagles 27, Redskins 13.

Miami (-3) at BUFFALO [40]: If Dolphins running back Ricky Williams told you to stop by for Thanksgiving dinner and that he would be smoking a turkey … what would you expect? Dolphins 26, Bills 16.

Arizona (+3) at TENNESSEE [NL]: Only six more to go! Titans 24, Cardinals 20.

Seattle (-3) at ST LOUIS [42.5]: Like watching two sissy cousins fighting over the last piece of mincemeat pie. Seahawks 23, Rams 17.

Tampa Bay (+12) at ATLANTA [46]: This won’t be much of a contest, but at least the Creamsicle uniforms would look nice set against the changing of the leaves. Falcons 31, Buccaneers 13.

Carolina (+3) at NY JETS [41.5]: Could Drew Stafford be more accurate with his separated left arm than either of the quarterbacks playing in this game throwing with their rights? Jets 26, Panthers 19.

Jacksonville (+3) at SAN FRANCISCO [41.5]: 49ers – that’s about what our pants size will be on Friday morning. 49ers 22, Jaguars 17.

Kansas City (+13.5) at SAN DIEGO [45]: Speaking of holidays, Christmas came early for the Chiefs last week. Expect the Grinch this Sunday. Chargers 34, Chiefs 17.

Pittsburgh (PK) at BALTIMORE [NL]: Around your (Santonio) Holmes or (Ziggy) Hood, you could make a nice (Charlie) Batch of cookies – just be sure not to (Joe) Burnett. No comment about what dinner could do to your (Willie) Colon. Steelers 20, Ravens 17.

New England (+3) at NEW ORLEANS [56]: Thanksgiving in New Orleans – if women flash you, do you throw drumsticks? Saints 31, Patriots 27.

Lock of the Week: Indianapolis
Trifecta: Indianapolis, Miami, Oakland

2009 Week 11 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 14-2
Against The Spread: 8-8
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $320

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 114-45
Against The Spread: 87-72-1
Lock of the Week: 6-5
Trifecta: 3-8
Money: $2,030

2009 Week 10 Money Spent: $20
2009 Week 10 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $205
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-5

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Welcome to 2009 Week 11 of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where our Lock is actually sort of becoming, well … a Lock.

The Hoser came back to earth Week 10. After a three-week run of 25-13-1 against the spread, we were just 7-8 ATS and 9-6 straight up. Oakland cost us the Trifecta, but San Diego came through on the Lock again, which made us money for the week. Dare we make it three weeks in a row?

The Browns gave up a touchdown to Baltimore this week while having just 10 men on defense. The NFL will make it right, however, by allowing the Browns to play with 12 guys on the field on offense for the remainder of the season. They figure it won’t matter anyway.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as treating Kansas football coach Mark Mangino to lunch.

Miami (+3) at CAROLINA [42.5]: The Dolphins placed running back Ronnie Brown on injured reserve, which means fellow RB Ricky Williams will have to roll. Fortunately, he’s used to it. Panthers 26, Dolphins 17.

Cleveland (+3.5) at DETROIT [38.5]: The former home of the Lions, the Pontiac Silverdome, was sold this week. The possibility of demolishing the stadium still looms, but it’s unclear whether the new owners will allow Detroit to put the Lions inside when the charges go off. Lions 23, Browns 14.

Buffalo (+8.5) at JACKSONVILLE [42.5]: We’re not sure how Titans owner Bud Adams can be fined $250,000 for flipping the bird when the Bills themselves have been doing the same thing to their own fans for years. Jaguars 24, Bills 14.

Pittsburgh (-10) at KANSAS CITY [40]: If you’re in the K.C. area, skip the game and go eat some ribs at Gates & Sons. Steelers 27, Chiefs 13.

Indianapolis (-1) at BALTIMORE [44.5]: Why is this line so low? Are Art Donovan and Tony Siragusa suiting up for the Ravens? Colts 24, Ravens 17.

Atlanta (+6.5) at NY GIANTS [46.5]: We’re rooting for the Falcons just to see if Tom Coughlin’s face turns a deeper red then it was against the Packers last year. Giants 23, Falcons 20.

San Francisco (+6.5) at GREEN BAY [42.5]: If the Packers held Dallas to seven points, they should be able to take the 49ers into negatives. Packers 26, 49ers 16.

Seattle (+11) at MINNESOTA [46]: Weren’t people saying before the season that the Vikings didn’t have the receivers for Brett Favre? Vikings 27, Seahawks 17.

Washington (+11) at DALLAS [41.5]: If Washington can get the Cowboys to fall for five or six of those nifty fake field goal/punt combos, they might have a chance. Cowboys 27, Racists 17.

New Orleans (-11) at TAMPA BAY [51]: There have been comments that the Saints’ offense hasn’t looked up to speed the last few weeks – which means they’ll only score 30+ on Tampa Bay. Saints 34, Buccaneers 20.

Arizona (-9) at ST LOUIS [46.5]: The Cardinals return to their old stomping grounds, by which we mean they got stomped there a lot. Cardinals 27, Rams 20.

NY Jets (+10.5) at NEW ENGLAND [45]: After all the flack he’s gotten this week, we wouldn’t be surprised if Patriots head coach Bill Belichick had trouble deciding between the soup or salad. Patriots 27, Jets 17.

Cincinnati (-9.5) at OAKLAND [36]: We don’t think the Bengals signing K.C. castoff Larry Johnson is a bad idea. We just hope the Cincy city council has more money to appropriate for battered women’s shelters. Bengals 31, Raiders 13.

San Diego (+3) at DENVER [45]: We’ve looked at this three or four times. The Broncos are the favourite here exactly why? Chargers 26, Broncos 20.

Philadelphia (-3) at CHICAGO [45]: Many thanks to Bears QB Jay Cutler for his help in recycling. Altering our existing “Man, is Jake Delhomme inaccurate!” jokes will save thousands of trees. Eagles 26, Bears 21.

Tennessee (+4.5) at HOUSTON [48]: Kids everywhere will be asking for Bud Adams’s new hit single, “The (Double) Bird Is The Word.” Titans 31, Texans 23.

Lock of the Week: Indianapolis
Trifecta: San Diego, Green Bay, Indianapolis

2009 Week 10 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 9-6
Against The Spread: 7-8
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $220

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 100-42
Against The Spread: 79-64-1
Lock of the Week: 5-5
Trifecta: 3-7
Money: $1,710

2009 Week 10 Money Spent: $0
2009 Week 10 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $185
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $15

The Hoser’s format: Each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $500 Lock of the Week. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Mediocre week so far, but we hit our Lock and that brightens up everything. 7-7 against the spread and 8-6 straight up, but we're up for the week, despite the Raiders sinking our Trifecta. Maybe they are smart enough to lose on purpose.

We sure hope Jim Zorn designed this fake field goal/punt hybrid. That's a job saver right there, folks.

Pull for the Quinn tonight!

Lock of the Week: San Diego

Trifecta: San Diego, Oakland, Tennessee

2009 Week 10 Hoser Picks (pending Monday night):
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 7-7
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $330

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 99-42
Against The Spread: 79-63-1
Lock of the Week: 5-5
Trifecta: 3-7
Money: $1,820

2009 Week 10 Money Spent: $0
2009 Week 10 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $185
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $15

Welcome to 2009 Week 10 of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re sure you’ll all be thankful we’ll be brief (trade show this week – I’ll be the guy in the “Norman Chad rocks!” t-shirt).

The Hoser has a very big cookie bouquet on the way to Detroit quarterback Matthew Stafford, whose pick six led to Seattle covering at the very end of the game. That gave both our Lock of the Week and the Trifecta. We were 8-5 against the spread and 9-4 straight up.

That’s a three-week run of 25-13-1 against the spread and two of three Locks and Trifectas. We’d get a swelled head, but we already wear a size 7 ¾ baseball cap, so it’s a little late for that.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as getting your news from FOX.

Chicago (+3) at SAN FRANCISCO [43.5]: 49ers tight end Vernon Davis had some unflattering things to say this week about the Bears’ defense, but they couldn’t have been any uglier than what we suspect is being said around Chicago itself. 49ers 23, Bears 17.

Jacksonville (+7) at NY JETS [40.5]: Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez – from GQ to PU in two months. Jets 23, Jaguars 17.

Denver (-3.5) at WASHINGTON [37]: Boy, Sherman Lewis fixed everything, huh? Broncos 24, Racists 16.

Cincinnati (+7) at PITTSBURGH [41.5]: Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco has been told not to send mustard to the Steelers, but we guarantee they’ll relish shutting his ass down. Steelers 27, Bengals 17.

Buffalo (+6.5) at TENNESSEE [41]: You know, if the Titans win out … (slaps self). Titans 31, Bills 13.

Detroit (+16.5) at MINNESOTA [47]: This will be a terrible game, but the good news? There’ll be plenty of time to run to the kitchen for lutefisk! Vikings 34, Lions 16.

New Orleans (-13.5) at ST LOUIS [50]: The Rams have a total of eight touchdowns this season. That’s awful, but it’s eight more than The Hoser scored in his 13-year football career. Saints 40, Rams 17.

Atlanta (-1.5) at CAROLINA [43.5]: Nothing could be finer than to visit Carolina and get back to your winning ways. Falcons 26, Panthers 17.

Tampa Bay (+10) at MIAMI [44]: Project Runway would have a fit, but we say ride those Creamsicle unis until the winning streak ends – which it will here anyway. Dolphins 24, Buccaneers 17.

Kansas City (+2) at OAKLAND [36.5]: Both of these teams would benefit from losing this game, and neither organization is probably smart enough to drop it on purpose. Raiders 20, Chiefs 16.

Seattle (+8.5) at ARIZONA [47]: (Our) reports of the demise of Kurt Warner were apparently greatly exaggerated. Nice to see Matt Leinart get a chance to prove he’s the heir apparent, though, wasn’t it? Cardinals 27, Seahawks 20.

Philadelphia (+1) at SAN DIEGO [47]: The Chargers are back. We can tell the swagger’s returned because Shawne Merriman has his Kijiji ad – “WANTED: TALENTLESS BIMBOS” – up again. Chargers 24, Eagles 21.

Dallas (-2.5) at GREEN BAY [47.5]: Did the Pope visit the Packers in the offseason, because man, is that offensive line holy! Cowboys 26, Packers 23.

New England (+3) at INDIANAPOLIS [49.5]: Tougher to call than a friend at a Motorhead concert, but we like the Colts to stay undefeated. Colts 24, Patriots 23.

Baltimore (-10.5) at CLEVELAND [40]: MNF couldn’t switch out of this one? Ravens 20, Browns 13.

Lock of the Week: San Diego

Trifecta: San Diego, Oakland, Tennessee

2009 Week Nine Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 9-4
Against The Spread: 8-5
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $1,350

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 91-36
Against The Spread: 72-56-1
Lock of the Week: 4-5
Trifecta: 3-6
Money: $1,490

2009 Week Nine Money Spent: $25
2009 Week Nine Money Made: $50
2009 Season Money Spent: $185
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $15

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

All in all a solid week -- thanks to our pal Matthew Stafford for the pick six that covered our trifecta.

2009 Week Nine Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 9-4
Against The Spread: 8-5
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $1,350

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 91-38
Against The Spread: 72-56-1
Lock of the Week: 4-5
Trifecta: 3-6
Money: $1,490

2009 Week Nine Money Spent: $25
2009 Week Nine Money Made: $50
2009 Season Money Spent: $185
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $15

Welcome to 2009 Week Nine, our annual haiku edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, and where we’re well versed in losing money.

The Hoser had an extremely odd week. We watched as it appeared we were blown out of the water right out of the gate, but because of the number of underdogs we picked to cover, we managed to go 8-5 against the spread. Of course, we were just 7-6 straight up and missed both the Lock of the Week and the Trifecta.

In honour this special week, here’s a starter haiku for our friends out in Raiderland:

Those charges will keep
Tom from laying his Cable
In the near future.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as offering your body in trade for World Series tickets.

Kansas City (+6.5) at JACKSONVILLE [41.5]:

K.C.’s in turmoil
Because a running back is
Acting like his name.
Jaguars 29, Chiefs 14.

Baltimore (-3) at CINCINNATI [43.5]:

The Bengals: At last
At least more popular than
homey Nick Lachey.
Ravens 21, Bengals 19.

Houston (+9) at INDIANAPOLIS [48]:

Manning at the helm
Means we’re Slaton a beating
For the visitors.
Colts 28, Texans 20.

Washington (+10) at ATLANTA [41.5]:

Good thing it’s haiku
There’s nothing much funny that
Rhymes well with “racist.”
Falcons 26, Racists 13.

Green Bay (-9.5) at TAMPA BAY [43.5]:

The Packers bounce back
Winning and sticking it in
Tampa’s Buccaneer.
Packers 31, Buccaneers 16.

Arizona (+3) at CHICAGO [44.5]:

Warner’s looking old;
Who’s going to take over?
Lein(art) forms to your right.
Bears 24, Cardinals 20.

Miami (+10.5) at NEW ENGLAND [46.5]:

The Dolphins love tricks
But the Patriots will change
“Wildcat” to “Mildcat.”
New England 30, Miami 21.

Carolina (+13) at NEW ORLEANS [51.5]:

The Panthers don’t suck
But for New Orleans, this game
Will still be a Brees.
Saints 31, Panthers 20.

Detroit (+10) at SEATTLE [43]:

Things are still rough, but
At least Lions fans can say,
“There’s no Matt Millen.”
Seahawks 26, Lions 13.

Tennessee (+4.5) at SAN FRANCISCO [41]:

The switch has been made,
And we know the Titans are
Again Young at heart.
Titans 22, 49ers 20.

San Diego (+4.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS [47.5]:

Eli and Peyton?
Weird names, but we guess it beats
Being called Archie.
Chargers 26, Giants 23.

Pittsburgh (-3) at DENVER [39.5]:

It’s a Samoan phrase
Meaning “kicks ass with great hair”:
Troy Polamalu.
Steelers 22, Broncos 20.

Dallas (+3) at PHILADELPHIA [48]:

It’s a Jerry phrase
Meaning “Attention whore here!”
Telemanjaro.
Eagles 26, Cowboys 21.

Lock of the Week: San Diego
Trifecta: San Diego, Seattle, Carolina

2009 Week Eight Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 7-6
Against The Spread: 8-5
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-350

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 82-34
Against The Spread: 64-51-1
Lock of the Week: 3-5
Trifecta: 2-6
Money: $140

2009 Week Eight Money Spent: $25
2009 Week Eight Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $160
2009 Season Money Made: $150
2009 Total: $-10

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.