Final stats for Week Three:

2009 Week Three Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 13-3
Against The Spread: 12-4
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $1,160

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 37-11
Against The Spread: 29-19
Lock of the Week: 1-2
Trifecta: 1-2
Money: $410

2009 Week Three Money Spent: $15
2009 Week Three Money Made: $50
2009 Season Money Spent: $55
2009 Season Money Made: $100
2009 Total: $45

Welcome to Week Three of the 2009 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where like 38 Special, we’re back where we belong.

After a solid first week, The Hoser stumbled to 9-7 straight up and 7-9 against the spread. The Patriots cost us both the Lock of the Week and our Trifecta, and also made us wonder when Coach Belichick would have a thrombo on the sidelines. Any day now we expect steam to come pouring out of his ears “Tom & Jerry” style.

Jerry Jones got to show off his new monstrosity to a national television audience Monday night. It’s nice, and we now have a good financial angle to offset our betting losses – buy up all the seats located directly under the cage dancers, post on eBay and profit! Mooooooooon Riverrrrrr …

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as marrying one of the Kardashian sisters after dating for two weeks.

Tennessee (+3) at NY JETS [37] – Apparently, all that’s really necessary to conquer the NFL is to get rid of Chad Pennington, Eric Mangini and Brett Favre. Jets 22, Titans 16.

Jacksonville (+3.5) at HOUSTON [46.5] – Jacksonville is getting ripped this week as the worst city in the NFL. We know they’re talking about being able to support a franchise, but have these people not been to Oakland? Texans 27, Jaguars 24.

Kansas City (+8) at PHILADELPHIA [NL] – McNabb has a cracked rib, Kolb threw three picks. They wouldn’t put Vick under centre, would they? Eagles 31, Chiefs 17.

Cleveland (+13) at BALTIMORE [38.5] – Apparently, all that’s really necessary to sink to the bottom of the NFL is to pick up Eric Mangini. Ravens 27, Browns 13.

NY Giants (+6.5) at TAMPA BAY [44] – Anyone else starting to think perhaps the oldest Manning brother isn’t the best? Giants 23, Buccaneers 20.

Washington (-6.5) at DETROIT [38.5] – Lions rookie quarterback Matthew Stafford is on a pace to throw eight TDs and 40 interceptions this season. In other words, he’s still going to be more effective than Joey Harrington. Racists 20, Lions 17.

Green Bay (+6.5) at ST LOUIS [41] – We just don’t understand the spread here. Is it because the Rams contained Washington’s offense last week? That’s like getting credit for a knockout by sucker-punching your great aunt. Packers 30, Rams 13.

San Francisco (+7) at MINNESOTA [40.5] – This holdout thing doesn’t seem to be going to well for Michael Crabtree, does it? You know, sit it out while the team struggles and your value increases? Switch agents, Michael, and get in uniform. Vikings 23, 49ers 17.

Atlanta (+4) at NEW ENGLAND [44.5] – Paparazzi at the wedding of Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen have filed a lawsuit after being shot at by bodyguards while trying to take photos of the ceremony. Everyone else in the world is scolding those same bodyguards – for missing. Patriots 26, Falcons 20.

Chicago (-1.5) at SEATTLE [37] – We’re looking at Jay Cutler’s page on NFL.com right now, and we’re pretty sure that’s a picture of Harland Williams. Bears 22, Seahawks 19.

New Orleans (-6) at BUFFALO [51.5] – Does the visitor’s side of the scoreboard at Ralph Wilson Stadium have the capability to handle triple digits? Saints 31, Bills 24.

Miami (+6) at SAN DIEGO [44] – Hey, Ray Lewis made a great play, but 5-6 Darren Sproles up the middle when you’ve racked up more than 400 yards through the air? Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, Norv. Chargers 24, Dolphins 23.

Pittsburgh (-4) at CINCINNATI [37] – Turns out Chad Ochocinco paid for those Bengals fans to be at Lambeau Field to facilitate his leap last week. Good luck trying that in Pittsburgh – he’ll go home with a can of Iron City up his ass. Steelers 24, Bengals 17.

Denver (-1) at OAKLAND [35.5] – Nike’s missing a golden marketing with the Broncos this season. How about resurrecting the old ad campaign and asking if “You Knowshon”? Broncos 22, Raiders 17.

Indianapolis (+2.5) at ARIZONA [47.5] – The Colts’ offense was on the field last week for less than 15 minutes and still beat Miami. Analysts have made much of this, but great things happen regularly in far less time – just ask The Hoser’s wife. Colts 31, Cardinals 27.

Carolina (+9) at DALLAS [47] – Added bonus for Cowboy fans this week – with Jake Delhomme throwing for Carolina, any one of the 100,000 in the stands could catch a ball! Cowboys 26, Panthers 20.


Lock of the Week: Green Bay
Trifecta: Indianapolis, Denver, Green Bay
Over/Under Good Buys: Indy/Arizona Over

2009 Week Two Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 9-7
Against The Spread: 7-9
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-690

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 24-8
Against The Spread: 17-15
Lock of the Week: 0-2
Trifecta: 0-2
Money: $-750

2009 Week Two Money Spent: $20
2009 Week Two Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $40
2009 Season Money Made: $50
2009 Total: $10

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Well, that's more like it.

2009 Week Two Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 9-7
Against The Spread: 7-9
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-690

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 24-8
Against The Spread: 17-15
Lock of the Week: 0-2
Trifecta: 0-2
Money: $-750

2009 Week Two Money Spent: $20
2009 Week Two Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $40
2009 Season Money Made: $50
2009 Total: $10

Welcome to Week Two of the 2009 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re still cursing the name of the Arizona Cardinals.

As you may or may not have read, we were 15-1 straight up this week. That doesn’t normally mean much, except the Cardinals’ loss kept us from cashing what would have been a fairly sizable Pro*Line Pool ticket. Contrary to popular belief, The Hoser is not a millionaire, and does not own a mansion and a yacht.

Makes you want to say, “Again!” doesn’t it?

We also were 10-6 against the spread, a fine number until you factor in our unwavering faith in the Cardinals, which sank both the Lock of the Week and the Trifecta. Our inability to ferret out that one sure thing – well, no one’s going to mistake us for John Cusack anytime soon.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as thinking Donovan McNabb might last more than a week without needing his HMO’s number.

Oakland (+3) at KANSAS CITY [39] – Here are two teams that most likely won’t play as well for the remainder of the season as they did in Week One. We think the Raiders suck just a bit less. Raiders 24, Chiefs 17.

Houston (+6.5) at TENNESSEE [40.5] – Remember that song “Tennessee” from the 90s? The name of the band who sang it perfectly describes the Texans – Arrested Development. Titans 24, Texans 13.

New England (-3.5) at NY JETS [46.5] – Jets’ rookie QB Mark Sanchez has been talking quite a bit this week. He should get it out of his system now, before the Patriots ram themselves down his throat for 60 minutes. Patriots 31, Jets 17.

Cincinnati (+9) at GREEN BAY [42] – Bengals QB Carson Palmer said recently he felt someone could eventually die during an NFL game. We know the feeling – we die here every week. Packers 30, Bengals 17.

Minnesota (-9.5) at DETROIT [46.5] – Ah, the more things change, the more they remain the Detroit Lions. Vikings 27, Lions 21.

New Orleans (NL) at PHILADELPHIA [NL] – Saints quarterback Drew Brees put up an astounding six TD passes last week, but the reason? See above. Eagles 27, Saints 26.

Carolina (+6) at ATLANTA [43] – If you add together last year’s playoff game and the season opener, Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme has shown all the ball-handling skills of Ben Stiller in “There’s Something About Mary.” Falcons 24, Panthers 20.

St. Louis (+9.5) at WASHINGTON [36.5] – Tell you what, Washington fans – we’ll refer to your team as the name you prefer when you refer to yourselves as we see you. Racists 27, Rams 19.

Arizona (+3) at JACKSONVILLE [42.5] – Cardinals wide receiver Sean Morey has agreed to donate his brain to science to help understand the effects of concussions. In a related story, Republican nitwit Jim Wilson apparently donated his several weeks ago. Jaguars 23, Cardinals 21.

Seattle (+1.5) at SAN FRANCISCO [39.5] – The Seahawks’ cheerleading squad is nicknamed the Sea Gals. Good thing Baltimore’s the only NFL franchise with male cheerleaders, huh? 49ers 19, Seahawks 16.

Tampa Bay (+5) at BUFFALO [42] – Until the Bills prove they deserve otherwise, all outro music on their broadcasts should be “Loser” by Beck. Bills 21, Buccaneers 20.

Cleveland (+3) at DENVER [37.5] – Troublemaking Broncos wide receiver Brandon Marshall held his first interview this season, saying little of import. Of course, two drops in six targets last week pretty much says it all, doesn’t it? Broncos 26, Browns 20.

Baltimore (+3.5) at SAN DIEGO [40.5] – If Norv Turner isn’t the first coach fired this season, we’ll eat our hat. This guy’s supposed genius is faker than Tila Tequila’s boobs. Ravens 20, Chargers 19.

Pittsburgh (+2.5) at CHICAGO [37.5] – Bears LB Brian Urlacher is out for the season with a wrist injury, but things could have been worse. He could have been riding around with Lance Briggs. Steelers 23, Bears 19.

NY Giants (+2.5) at DALLAS [43.5] – It’s just weird for the Giants to have one guy named Ramses and another named Hedgecock on the same roster. Cowboys 26, Giants 23.

Indianapolis (-3) at MIAMI [42] – You know how cans of tuna are declared “dolphin-free?” In a show of solidarity with its mascot, the team has declared itself “offense-free.” Colts 22, Dolphins 13.

Lock of the Week: New England
Trifecta: New England, Pittsburgh, Baltimore
Over/Under Good Buys: Cleveland/Denver over

Week One Results:
Straight Up: 15-1
Against The Spread: 10-6
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money Banked: $-60

Real Money Spent: $20
Real Money Made: $50
Real Money Banked: $30

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

It was an exciting week for The Hoser, and not just because his long streak of being unable to pick a Lock of the Week now carries over from last season. Seriously, I'm the Detroit Lions of Locks.

After the early Sunday games we were 9-for-9 straight up on our Pro*Picks NFL Pool ticket, having called the Denver and NY upsets.



It looked like pretty smooth sailing for the last six games. How could Seattle, Arizona, New England or San Diego have any trouble?

It turned out there was plenty of trouble, but only Arizona -- which apparently replaced its offensive line with a bunch of six-year-old girls in the offseason -- kept me from claiming the big prize. I did win $50 on a parlay of the Broncos, Jets and and Falcons, so I can't beef too much.

Save your pity for this guy, TyWebb (about halfway down), who was 14/14 heading into the final game and had the Raiders. Man, I would be going nuts.

Anyhow, still a pretty decent start to the season, as the numbers below reflect:

2009 Week One Hoser Picks

Straight Up: 15-1
Against The Spread: 10-6
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-60

I'll also be adding my actual totals spent for the season in the future.

2009 Week One Money Spent: $20
2009 Week One Money Made: $50
2009 Total: $30

Picks will up Thursday morning for Week Two.

Editor's Note: This post has been modified at 8:29 EST to correct a misspelled name. No predictions have been altered. I promise. Seriously.

Welcome to Week One of the 2009 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where, just like American Idol, Brett Favre and Newt Gingrich, we’ll never go away.

Speaking of Favre, His Royal Interceptedness now dons the purple finery of the Minnesota Vikings. We don’t want to say Favre has commitment issues, but his career’s been more on-again, off-again than Nina Hartley’s.

The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

All of that leads us to this final sentence, a version of which you’ll see every week:

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as tying your romantic future to a bisexual reality TV star.

Tennessee (+5.5) at PITTSBURGH (35) – The Titans have cursed themselves in our eyes by cutting punter A.J. Trepasso. You have a guy who a) scores on a fake punt the first time he touches the ball in a game and b) causes Jerry Jones grief by banging a punt off his new toy – and you let him go? Shame shame. Steelers 20, Titans 13.

Miami (+4) at ATLANTA (43.5) – The Dolphins have been adding owners like crazy. Too bad they haven’t been doing the same with talent. Falcons 23, Dolphins 17.

Kansas City (+10.5) at BALTIMORE (37) – If the oddsmakers have the line right on this one, they’re expecting the Chiefs to score 13 or 14 points, and that’s about 13 or 14 more than we figure them for. Ravens 24, Chiefs 7.

Philadelphia (-1.5) at CAROLINA (43.5) – If the Panthers’ game-day operations staff has any guts at all, they’ll have “Who Let The Dogs Out” roaring during the pre-game. Eagles 28, Panthers 20.

Denver (+4) at CINCINNATI (43) – Let the Kyle Orton era begin! Broncos 26, Bengals 21.

Minnesota (-4) at CLEVELAND (39.5) – We wanted to order a unique Brady Quinn Browns jersey, but the NFL said “METROSEXUAL” won’t fit on the back. Vikings 24, Browns 17.

New York Jets (+4.5) at HOUSTON (43.5) – A crisp $20 bill to the first announcer who sees Jets QB Mark Sanchez get up from a sack and refers to him as “dirty.” Jets 23, Texans 21.

Jacksonville (+7) at INDIANAPOLIS (44.5) – Word is the Jaguars may be up for sale and on the move. This game won’t help the team’s market value, though. Colts 29, Jaguars 19.

Detroit (+13) at NEW ORLEANS (49) – Poor Matthew Stafford. He’s young, good-looking, rich … and he has to play for the Lions. That’s like winning the lottery and having to spend all the money at Wal-Mart. Saints 27, Lions 13.

Dallas (-5.5) at TAMPA BAY (39) – If Cowboys owner Jerry Jones would lift his new scoreboard rig half as far as he’s lifted his face, no punter would ever hit Telemanjaro. Cowboys 23, Buccaneers 20.

San Francisco (+6.5) at ARIZONA (46.5) – Hmmm, the defending NFC champs against a team deciding between Alex Smith and Shaun Hill at quarterback … and only a touchdown? Maybe 49ers head coach Mike Singletary gave Danny Sheridan the evil eye, but then – how could you tell? Cardinals 34, 49ers 14.

Washington (+6.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (37) – The good news for incarcerated wide receiver Plaxico Burress? He’s already used to dealing with Giants in the shower. Giants 24, Redskins 20.

St. Louis (+7.5) at SEATTLE (41.5) – This game should help determine who gets closest to Phoenix’s ass all season in the NFC West. Seahawks 29, Rams 19.

Chicago (+3.5) at GREEN BAY (46) – Best anti-Favre t-shirt to pop up so far? A stylized sketch of him framed by the state of Wisconsin with the words, “We’ll Never Forget You, Brent.” Packers 27, Bears 20.

Buffalo (+10.5) at NEW ENGLAND (47.5) – The Bills canned offensive coordinator Turk Schonert just days before the start of the season, and he claimed head coach Dick Jauron said the offensive was too complicated. Given Buffalo averaged just 14 points a contest during the preseason, “complicated” may have been code for “you suck.” Patriots 26, Bills 13.

San Diego (-9.5) at OAKLAND (43) – The Raiders have announced another blockbuster deal with the New England Patriots. This time, Oakland has swapped all future first-round picks in perpetuity for Teddy Bruschi, Steve Grogan and the rights to Methuselah. Chargers 31, Raiders 13.

Lock of the Week: Arizona

Trifecta: San Diego, Seattle, Arizona

Over/Under Good Buys: Arizona/San Fran Over, Baltimore/KC Under