We'll miss you, Reg Dunlop.

Welcome to Week Four of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we fell faster than AIG stock.

The Hoser stumbled to a 7-9 week against the spread and missed both the Lock of the Week and (of course) the Trifecta. Going 12-4 straight up is absolutely no consolation, especially considering our friend Jungle Dan picked up nearly $4,000 on the Pro Picks Pool by hitting 15 games.

What’s his secret? Dan had a little late cash come his way and filled out the card on his way to the gas station. He did pick 75% home winners, but which game did he miss, you ask? The freaking Cleveland/Baltimore game. That proves he was almost choosing at random, especially considering he got Miami over New England.

Meanwhile, we here at Hoser Central were deeply saddened by the firing of Lions GM Matt Millen. We can only hope he lands another job – as we have about six months’ worth of material already in the can.

If you have knees and a heart, join The Hoser and his staff in saying a little prayer for Tampa Bay kicker Matt Bryant and his family, who lost their six-month-old son this week. You’re in our thoughts, folks.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as not forcing Al Davis to take his meds.

Denver (-9.5) at KANSAS CITY – O/U 46.5: If Atlanta scored 38 on the Chiefs, how many will the Broncos run up? Too bad we don’t know how to make the infinity sign on this keyboard. Broncos 37, Chiefs 17.

Cleveland (+3) at CINCINNATI – O/U 43.5: Rumour has it former Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Bill Cowher has bought a house in the Cleveland area just in case Romeo Crennel gets canned. Just in case? Bengals 22, Browns 17.

Houston (+7.5) at JACKSONVILLE – O/U 41.5: So, Texans QB Matt Schaub throws three picks and keeps his starting gig? Who’s the back-up there – Garo Yepremian? Jaguars 24, Texans 17.

Arizona (+1.5) at N.Y. JETS – O/U 45: Could someone point out to us in which Jets game New York has looked better than the Cardinals in any of their games? God help us, we might make the Cards the Lock again. Arizona 29, New York Jets 19.

San Francisco (+6) at NEW ORLEANS – O/U 48.5: It boggles the mind to think Detroit fired Mike Martz last year, but kept Matt Millen until this week. That’s from the minds that kept making SUVs when gas went over $2 a gallon. Saints 30, 49ers 27.

Atlanta (+7.5) at CAROLINA – O/U 39.5: We said last week hopefully the Falcons learned the magic rule with two stud RBs and one young QB – two runs for every pass. A quick look at the stats shows Atlanta threw 18 times and ran 36. Someone’s actually listening out there! Panthers 22, Falcons 16.

Minnesota (+3.5) at TENNESSEE – O/U 36.5: Gus Frerotte vs. Kerry Collins. This game is so 1990s, they should have Roxette play the halftime show. Titans 24, Vikings 20.

Green Bay (+1.5) at TAMPA BAY – O/U 42: We don’t want to say Bucs WR Ike Hilliard is old … but he remembers when John McCain actually made sense when he talked. Packers 23, Buccaneers 20.

Buffalo (-8) at ST. LOUIS – O/U 42: Trent Green. Really. Mother*&^*ing Trent Green. Bills 33, Rams 14.

San Diego (-7) at OAKLAND – O/U 45.5: During this constant babble about Raiders head coach Lane Kiffin possibly losing his job, has anyone else kept hearing the Japanese guy from Better Off Dead saying, “Young Lane Myer …” Chargers 27, Raiders 14.

Washington (+11) at DALLAS – O/U 46.5: The Cowboys are the best team in football, and even a fired-up Washington squad will do nothing to stop the D-Train. Still, a late touchdown brings the game in under the line. Cowboys 31, Racists 21.

Philadelphia (-3) at CHICAGO – O/U 40.5: Word has leaked on why the Eagles are playing so well. Head coach Andy Reid has threatened to make his team wear those godawful periwinkle and yellow throwback jerseys again if they don’t put out. Eagles 23, Bears 17.

Baltimore (+5.5) at PITTSBURGH – O/U 34.5: Poor Ben Roethlisberger. Jenna Jameson never took a pounding that long and hard. Steelers 20, Ravens 17.

Lock of the Week: Denver

Trifecta: Denver, Buffalo, Arizona

Over/Under Good Buys: Buffalo/St. Louis OVER

Week Three Results:

Straight Up: 12-4

Against The Spread: 7-9

Lock of the Week: 0-1

Trifecta: 0-1

Money Banked: $-660

Season Results:

Straight Up: 32-15

Against The Spread: 25-20-2

Lock of the Week: 1-2

Trifecta: 1-2

Money Count: $-470

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Our bad on the Monday Night game -- we had to hurry home for Taco Night on Friday (shut up!).

The Hoser likes the Chargers to win the game handily. Mighty-mite Darren Sproles is a great change-of-pace for LT, and even if Tomlinson is limited, he and a hot Philip Rivers will be enough to take more of the magic out of Brett on Broadway.

Still, we smell a late touchdown in this one to bring it under the line. Chargers 29, Jets 21.

Welcome to Week Three of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where our focus makes Paula Abdul look like Garry Kasparov.

A lapse in concentration cost us a huge week. We spent three days trumpeting Arizona again to our friends – and for some reason we instead put Atlanta down as our Lock of the Week and in the Trifecta. That simple gaffe wiped out a monster 10-3-2 ATS effort to go with an 11-4 straight up performance.

Still, we pocketed $150 (instead of $1,050 – argh!) and through the first two weeks, we’re up $190. We’re not breaking the bank, but we’re not looking like the Lehman Brothers, either.

What is with the proliferation of bad quarterbacking this season? Not only do you have old guys popping up everywhere, but even some of the young bucks are stinking it up. Carson Palmer, are you listening? We’d bet the Bengal front office is looking for Akili Smith’s phone number right about now.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Al Davis speak at your workplace about job security.

Kansas City (+5.5) at ATLANTA – O/U 36: Matt Ryan vs. Tyler Thigpen. Man, that’ll put the butts in the seats! Maybe Atlanta’s learned to run twice for every pass attempt. Falcons 23, Chiefs 14.

Oakland (+9) at BUFFALO – O/U 37: Justin Fargas finally looks like he’s going to shine for the Raiders, and then he injures his groin again. Forget “Huggy Bear Jr.” – dude just needs a hug. Bills 22, Raiders 17.

Houston (+5.5) at TENNESSEE – O/U 38.5: Didn’t anyone in the Texans’ organization consider they might want to make the new stadium just slightly hurricane resistant? Where was that blueprint drawn up – Haiti? Titans 21, Texans 17.

Cincinnati (+13) at N.Y. GIANTS – O/U 41.5: This line looks way too big until we consider a) the Giants beats the Rams last week by 28, and b) The Bengals suck almost as badly as the Rams. Giants 34, Bengals 17.

Arizona (+3) at WASHINGTON – O/U 42: There is a downside to Kurt Warner’s resurgence – Matt Leinart may now have time to impregnate the entire Arizona State University women’s basketball team. Cardinals 30, Racist Jerks 17.

Miami (+13) at NEW ENGLAND – O/U 35.5: Dolphins receiver Ted Ginn Jr., will finally show up this week – on the back of Miami-area milk cartons. Patriots 29, Dolphins 17.

Tampa Bay (+3.5) at CHICAGO – O/U 35.5: We love Da Bears, but when Brandon Lloyd is your top option at wideout, you’re in for a longgggg season. Bears 20, Bucs 17.

Carolina (+3) at MINNESOTA – O/U 37: We’d have to think Viking fans can’t be too thrilled about the Tarvaris Jackson experiment ending only to see Gus Frerotte trot out to take his place. That’s like replacing Charles Nelson Reilly with Jm J. Bullock. Panthers 20, Vikings 14.

St. Louis (+9) at SEATTLE – O/U 44: The Seahawks signed Koren Robinson and traded for Keary Colbert this week to shore up their wide receiving corps. Couldn’t they find better hands down at Pike Place Fish Market? Seahawks 29, Rams 22.

Detroit (+4.5) at SAN FRANCISCO – O/U 46: A 12-year-old Lions fan approaches Matt Millen at a game and says, "I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw you and your wife doing it. Nyah, nyah, nyah!" Millen answers, "The joke's on you, kid – I wasn't even home last night!" 49ers 23, Lions 20.

New Orleans (+5) at DENVER – O/U 51: This contest should be listed as “New Orleans at Enver,” because there’s no “D” to be found. Broncos 30, Saints 22.

Pittsburgh (+3) at PHILADELPHIA – O/U 45.5: When he gets married, do you think DeSean Jackson will drop his wife right outside the honeymoon suite door? Eagles 28, Steelers 24.

Jacksonville (+6) at INDIANAPOLIS – O/U 41.5: The Colts won last week with a grand total of 25 rushing yards. They might only need 20 this week. Colts 30, Jaguars 17.

Cleveland (+2) at BALTIMORE – O/U 39: Can we officially change the cliché to “soft as Donte Stallworth”? This guy plays about as often as a Village People 8-track. Ravens 19, Browns 16.

Dallas (-3) at GREEN BAY – O/U 52: Cowboys WR Terrell Owens said last week he and Eagles QB Donovan McNabb didn’t get along in Philly because McNabb was jealous of TO’s popularity. Yeah, we’re sure it had nothing to do with Owens being a self-centered douchebag. Cowboys 30, Packers 26.

Lock of the Week: Arizona

Trifecta: Arizona, Indianapolis, New York Giants

Over/Under Good Buys: Cleveland/Baltimore UNDER, Jacksonville/Indianapolis OVER


Week Two Results:

Straight Up: 11-4

Against The Spread: 10-3-2

Lock of the Week: 0-1

Trifecta: 0-1

Money Banked: $+150


Season Results:

Straight Up: 20-11

Against The Spread: 18-11-2

Lock of the Week: 1-1

Trifecta: 1-1

Money Banked: $+190

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Wanted: responsible adult to check The Hoser's Lock of the Week and Trifecta picks. Qualifications include being literate, patient and willing to smack a grown man upside his head when he types "Atlanta" when he means "Arizona". Pay will be 25% of all winnings saved.

Amazingly, despite telling everyone I knew that Arizona would have it easy against the Dolphins, for some reason I put Atlanta in my lock and triple. And of course, it was one of the three games I missed this week.

*sigh*


Week Two Results:

Straight Up: 11-4

Against The Spread: 10-3-2

Lock of the Week: 0-1

Trifecta: 0-1

Money Banked: $+150


Season Results:

Straight Up: 20-11

Against The Spread: 18-11-2

Lock of the Week: 1-1

Trifecta: 1-1

Money Banked: $+190

Welcome to Week Two of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where like a major political candidate, we’re right down the middle.

The Hoser kicked off the season with a pretty milquetoast week – 8-8 ATS and 9-7 SU. We did manage to hit the Lock of the Week, which may be the first time we’ve ever actually called an Arizona game correctly. Through the first 16 games, we’re up an astounding $40.

All this noise about Tennessee Titans QB Vince Young supposedly being distraught and suicidal when he says he was eating chicken wings at a friend’s house – it has to be taken seriously, but we think there’s more being made of nothing here than the last two Matrix scripts.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having a Project Runway winner design your alternate uniforms.

Oakland (+3.5) at KANSAS CITY – O/U 36: The amazing thing about this line is someone is expected to score. Raiders 19, Chiefs 17.

Cincinnati (-1) at TENNESSEE – O/U 37.5: You know your team really sucks when you’re barely favoured against Kerry Collins. Titans 22, Bengals 20.

Indianapolis (-2) at MINNESOTA – O/U 43.5: To paraphrase Mark Twain, rumours of Tarvaris Jackson’s quarterbacking growth have been greatly overexaggerated. Colts 26, Vikings 17.

New Orleans (PK) at WASHINGTON – O/U 42.5: New head coach Jim Zorn may not know how to run a two-minute drill, but he can sure do impressions. It was uncanny how much his expression looked like Stephen Rea’s in The Crying Game when Jude opened the kimono. Saints 27, Yes Your Name Is Offensive 13.

Green Bay (-3) at DETROIT – O/U 45.5: With Aaron Rodgers’s solid debut, the Packers look to already be in midseason form. Of course, so do the Lions. Packers 33, Lions 16.

Chicago (+3) at CAROLINA - O/U 37: Is it fair to say Matt Forte in one game last week did more as a Bears running back than all other Bears RB draft picks combined in the last 10 years? Panthers 26, Bears 14.

N.Y. Giants (-8) at ST. LOUIS – O/U 42: Can the Rams be penalized 15 yards every play for impersonating a professional football team? Giants 33, Rams 10.

San Francisco (+7) at SEATTLE – O/U 38: If that infraction did exist, there’d be offsetting penalties on every down in this game. Seahawks 22, 49ers 17.

Buffalo (+5.5) at JACKSONVILLE – O/U 37: We don’t think there’ll be any better sight in the NFL this season than Kevin Everett walking out onto the turf at Ralph Wilson Stadium. Bills 21, Jags 20.

Atlanta (+7.5) at TAMPA BAY – O/U 38: The Bucs favoured by more than a touchdown? Man, even Bob Griese couldn’t make Tampa Bay that good. Falcons 24, Buccaneers 19.

Miami (+6.5) at ARIZONA – O/U 39: A check with Biblical scholars tells us Arizona opening the season 2-0 is the fifth Sign of the Apocalypse. The fourth was that “Caveman” TV show. Cardinals 30, Dolphins 17.

New England (+2.5) at N.Y. JETS – O/U 37.5: What kind of odds during the offseason would you have gotten on the starting QBs in this game being Brett Favre and Matt Cassel? And then saying Cassel would win? Patriots 23, Jets 21.

San Diego (-1) at DENVER – O/U 45.5: It’s amazing how awe-inspiring a team can look when it opens its season against the Raiders, isn’t it? Chargers 29, Broncos 23.

Pittsburgh (-6) at CLEVELAND – O/U 44.5: “Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo Crennel?” Try the breadline in about three weeks. Steelers 29, Browns 20.

Baltimore (+4) at HOUSTON – O/U 37.5: Unless Hurricane Ike blew in a new offensive scheme, take the underdog. Ravens 20, Texans 17.

Philadelphia (+7) at DALLAS – O/U 47: Easily the Game of the Week. Andy Reid seems to have the Cowboys’ number – too bad we don’t have Jessica Simpson’s. Cowboys 29, Eagles 27.

Lock of the Week: Atlanta
Trifecta: N.Y. Giants, Atlanta, Green Bay
Over/Under Good Buys: Dallas/Philly Over

Week One Results:
Straight Up: 9-7
Against The Spread: 8-8
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money Banked: $+40

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Week One results:

Straight Up: 9-7

Against The Spread: 8-8

Lock of the Week: 1-0

Trifecta: 0-1

Total Money: $+40

Have we ever been in the positive in any time in the history of The Hoser? Why, that's almost a six-pack at The Beer Store!

Welcome to Week One of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where like a masochist with a wad of twenties, we’re back for more punishment.

The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Part of our last season crashed and burned, but our records show The Hoser was 113-102-9 ATS, 145-79 SU, 4-9 on the Lock and 1-12 for the Trifecta. We managed to lose nearly $4K during the season, but the postseason helped us out.

All of that leads us to this final sentence, a version of which you’ll see every week:

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Tatum Bell pick up your luggage at the airport.

Washington (+4) at NY GIANTS – O/U 41: With the retirement of Michael Strahan this offseason and the loss of Osi Umenyiora in the preseason, the Giants now have a bigger gap in their D-Line than the one in Strahan’s mouth. Still, New York has enough to turn back these racists. Giants 23, God Just Change Your Name Alreadys 16.

Cincinnati (-1) at BALTIMORE – O/U 39.5: Our understanding is that Ravens’ quarterbacks coach Hue Jackson is about to be fired in favour of Dr. Gregory House. At least Troy Smith gets unlimited ice cream. Bengals 22, Ravens 13.

N.Y. Jets (-3) at MIAMI – O/U 36: All hail the new God, the savior of the franchise, the man you long-suffering fans have been clamoring for … Chad Pennington! Dolphins 26, Jets 24.

NEW ENGLAND (-16.5) at Kansas City – O/U 46: More than two touchdowns in a season opener with a possibly banged-up Tom Brady under centre? Hey, have you looked at the Chiefs’ roster? Patriots 37, Chiefs 17.

Houston (+7) at PITTSBURGH – O/U 43.5: Every year, hope springs anew for fans in the Houston area … and then the Texans are forced to actually start playing. Steelers 26, Houston 20.

Jacksonville (-3) at TENNESSEE – O/U 37.5: Nothing funny here – just say a prayer for Jags OT Richard Collier. Jaguars 29, Titans 13.

Detroit (-3) at ATLANTA – O/U 41: Can we safely stop coming up with Matt Millen jokes and start working on some Michael Vick material? Lions 27, Falcons 17.

Seattle (PK) at BUFFALO – O/U 39: Did the same panel that helped John McCain select his VP choice Sarah Palin also advise the Seahawks on their receiving corps for this season? Bills 20, Seahawks 17.

Tampa Bay (+3.5) at NEW ORLEANS – O/U 42.5: Our thoughts are with everyone down in the Gulf Coast this week – and our middle fingers are up for the Bucs’ front-office staff. Why the hell did it take this long to release Chris Simms? Saints 27, Bucs 19.

St. Louis (+7.5) at PHILADELPHIA – O/U 44.5: Odds on the Eagles covering – very good. Odds on Donovan McNabb actually playing a full season – very bad. Eagles 29, Rams 17.

Dallas (-5) at CLEVELAND – O/U 49: This game will be like an old man wearing Crocs at the mall – there’s just no defense. Cowboys 34, Browns 23.

Carolina (+9) at SAN DIEGO – O/U 42: We went looking for a joke about Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman’s two torn knee ligaments and instead found videos of amputees in bikinis. Explain yourself, Google! Chargers 24, Panthers 22.

Arizona (-2.5) at SAN FRANCISCO – O/U 42: J.T. O’Sullivan? Seriously? Cardinals 31, 49ers 13.

INDIANAPOLIS (-9.5) at Chicago – O/U 44.5: The good news – Peyton Manning will play. The bad news – so will one of the Bears’ quarterbacks. Colts 30, Bears 16.

GREEN BAY (-3) at Minnesota – O/U 38.5: We love new Packer QB Aaron Rodgers, but talk about a tough gig. This is like following Ron Jeremy on set. Vikings 22, Packers 20.

Denver (-3) at OAKLAND – O/U 41.5: Raiders wideout Javon Walker has repeatedly spoken of quitting football during training camp and now has a hamstring pull … and he’s Oakland’s No. 1 receiver! God we love Al Davis! Broncos 26, Raiders 19.

Lock of the Week: Arizona

Trifecta: Arizona, Jacksonville, Detroit

Over/Under Good Buys: Dolphins/Jets Over