Saturday, October 15, 2005

Welcome to the sixth week of the National Football League, where The Hoser went a pathetic 7-7 straight up and an even more pathetic 6-8 against the spread. I just missed on a couple of ATS shots, but then St. Louis's Reggie Sanders just missed that ball in Game 2 of the NLCS and all he got for it was whiplash and a sore ass.

As parity becomes more and more the norm in the NFL, it becomes more and more obvious it's a good thing I'm not putting the rent money on these picks. God, when you can't count on the Eagles to deliver a sound thrashing, what is this world coming to? Pretty soon, someone will write in and tell me Peyton Manning is gay!

We use Danny Sheridan's USA Today odds as the spread, mainly 'cause he's in Vegas and I'm counting on his vote in a Robert Goulet karaoke contest in a couple weeks.

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is as advisable as having Doug Eddings umpire your family reunion softball game.

New York Giants at DALLAS (-3.5): Bill Parcells has got the Cowboys rolling and while the Giants are improved, a team that can shut down the Eagles can shut down Eli Manning. Dallas 24, NY Giants 17.

Carolina at DETROIT (-1): Both of these teams had bye weeks in Week 5 -- well, they played Arizona and Baltimore, respectively, but what's the difference? I like the Panthers' skill players better than I like the Lions' ... errr ... anything. Carolina 29, Detroit 20.

Atlanta at NEW ORLEANS (+5.5): After last week's complete and utter meltdown against Green Bay, can Jim Haslett regroup the Saints and top the hobbled Falcons? No, he can't. Atlanta 34, New Orleans 16.

Minnesota at CHICAGO (-3): I would say the Vikings were well-rested after a bye week, but some of them chose to have a team outing that was like The Love Boat on acid. Still, we now know what Minnesota can do that Chicago can't -- score. Minnesota 22, Chicago 17.

Washington at KANSAS CITY (-5.5): Did the bye week allow the Chiefs to get over their soul-crushing, gut-wrenching, lily-livered complete and utter collapse against Philly two weeks ago? I'm guessing no. Washington 26, Kansas City 24.

Cincinnati at TENNESSEE (+3): I looked up the word "titan" and to paraphrase Inigo Montoya of "Princess Bride" fame, I do not that word means what Tennessee thinks it means. Cincy 31, Tennessee 20.

Jacksonville at PITTSBURGH (-3): This entire line centers around Tommy Maddox or Charlie Batch quarterbacking the Steelers for a week. So what, they can't hand the ball to Jerome Bettis and Willie Parker 50 times? Pittsburgh 23, Jacksonville 19.

Cleveland at BALTIMORE (-6): The Ravens racked up an astonishing 21 penalities in last week's loss. Does anyone remember when Brian Billick was a genius? Cleveland 13, Baltimore 12.

Miami at TAMPA BAY (-4.5): Even with Ricky, the Dolphins will get smoked. Tampa Bay 22, Miami 16.

New England at DENVER (-3): I know the Pats are getting hit hard with injuries, but I think offering the team trainer position to Bill Romanowski is going too far. Denver 24, New England 23.

NY Jets at BUFFALO (-3): The good news -- Vinny Testaverde will complete 70% of his passes on Sunday. The bad news -- 30% of them will be to the Bills. Buffalo 20, New York 16.

San Diego at OAKLAND (+2): Has there ever been a better 2-3 team than the Chargers? Geez, who made this schedule -- Torquemada? San Diego 33, Oakland 19.

Houston at SEATTLE (-9): Every week I say the Texans will finally cover ... and they don't. Screw it. Seattle 41, Houston 13.

St. Louis at INDIANAPOLIS (-13.5): Despite my normal jabs at him, I hope Mike Martz makes a speedy recovery and returns to football soon. I just hope it's coaching the
Philadelphia Soul. Indianapolis 30, St. Louis 23.

Lock of the Week: San Diego
Trifecta: San Diego, Washington, Minnesota

Week Three, Straight Up: 7-7
Week Three, ATS: 6-8
Week Three, LOTW: 0-1
Week Three, Trifecta: 0-1
Week Three Bank Statement: -$800

Season, Straight Up: 41-35
Season, ATS: 36-38
Season, LOTW: 2-3
Season, Trifecta: 0-5
Season Bank Statement: -$1,800

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