Friday, October 28, 2005

Welcome to the eighth week of the National Football League, where The Hoser slogged through a Salt n' Pepa week -- push it! I finished 7-7 straight up and 6-6-2 against the spread, a veritable cornucopia of mediocrity. Hey, at least I had a better week than Phil Garner.

I watched in horror as Ben Roethlisberger went wild last week against the Bengals. I mean, how could they hold up against his blistering 14-attempt attack, especially when he completed nine of them? Oh, what -- Willie Parker got the ball a bajillion times? Hard to believe that formula wouldn't have worked the week before with Tommy Freakin' Maddox under center, huh? That Bill Cowher, he's one sharp cookie.

We use Danny Sheridan's USA Today odds as the spread, mainly 'cause he's in Vegas and he's apparently pretty goddamned hot -- wait, that's Nicolette Sheridan?

Remember: these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is as advisable as nominating a wildly underqualified crony to be a Supreme Court justice.

Washington at NEW YORK GIANTS (-3): Lessee, Broncos edge Redskins ... Giants edge Broncos ... so it follows that ... Giants 23, Redskins 21.

Green Bay at CINCINNATI (-7.5): Blowing a 17-0 halftime lead to the Vikings gets your franchise rescinded, doesn't it? And I could see the little steam puffs coming out of Marvin Lewis's ears last week while his defense was mauled by Pittsburgh's O-line. Bengals 34, Packers 21.

Chicago at DETROIT (-3): Kyle Orton vs. Jeff Garcia! Doesn't have that Rocky Balboa vs. Clubber Lang drama, does it? Lions 14, Bears 13.

Minnesota at CAROLINA (-7): The Panthers aren't a juggernaut by any stretch, but does one win mean Mike Tice has (insert Dr. Evil pause here) ... righted the ship? Panthers 30, Vikings 17.

Oakland at TENNESSEE (+2): I got all excited when I saw "ROBY" starting for the Titans this week ... until I realized it wasn't former Miami Dolphins punter Reggie Roby. Then I did some research and found out Reggie Roby died earlier this year, which I somehow totally missed. Two things -- 1) Aside from Herman "Thunderfoot" Weaver, Roby was my favorite punter, and 2) What was up with that guy wearing a watch during the game -- didn't Miami have someone to clock hangtime on the sidelines? Raiders 36, Titans 13.

Arizona at DALLAS (-7.5): I really don't like the Cowboys this season ... but I really hate the Cardinals every season. Cowboys 27, Cardinals 17.

Cleveland at HOUSTON (pk): In honor of Halloween and the Browns being pick 'em with the Texans, Paul Brown is spinning in his grave. Browns 20, Texans 16.

Miami at NEW ORLEANS (-2): Saints owner Tom Benson appears to be moving the Saints, even in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. It's apparent Benson doesn't care about his public perception, though -- I mean, he has to be smoking crack to dance on the sidelines like that, doesn't he? Dolphins 26, Saints 20.

Jacksonville at ST. LOUIS (+3): The Jaguars come in well-rested, while the Rams come in being the Rams. Jaguars 29, Rams 24.

Kansas City at SAN DIEGO (-4.5): Damn it, Arrowhead's worth at least a touchdown in any game. As long as Ladainian doesn't run back kicks and sell beer in the stands, the Chiefs will cover. Chiefs 28, Chargers 27.

San Francisco at TAMPA BAY (-10): Rookie Alex Smiths -- there can be only one! Although I don't expect any beheadings. Buccaneers 27, 49ers 13.

Philadelphia at DENVER (-3): Aside from Brian Westbrook, does Philly even have another running back? There is just no freaking way the Eagles can throw the ball 50+ times against the Broncos and win. Broncos 24, Eagles 20.

New England at BUFFALO (+7): The Patriot D gets back a couple big hitters, while the Bill offense gets more of Tweedledee and Tweedledum at QB. Patriots 30, Bills 14.

Baltimore at PITTSBURGH (-8.5): Cue Brian Billick's firing in 3...2... Steelers 27, Ravens 16.

Lock of the Week: Oakland
Trifecta: Oakland, New England, Cleveland

Week Seven, Straight Up: 7-7
Week Seven, ATS: 6-6-2
Week Seven, LOTW: 0-1
Week Seven, Trifecta: 0-1
Week Seven, Bank Statement: -$800

Season, Straight Up: 58-46
Season, ATS: 50-52-2
Season, LOTW: 3-4
Season, Trifecta: 0-7
Season Bank Statement: -$2,200

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