Welcome to Week 12 of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where it seems the colder the weather gets, the hotter we are.
The Hoser staff had another solid week, knocking out a 10-6 week against the spread and 12-4 straight up. Atlanta carried our Lock of the Week and New Orleans and Jacksonville both covered to pick up another Trifecta hit. That adds up to a $1,240 profit for the week and almost gets us back to even for the season. It's also means we're a scorching 36-18 ATS for the past four weeks.
If we could bottle it, we would.
In the "What The Hell Took You So Long?" department, the Vikings finally fired Brad Childress this week. He lost control of this team (with the help of a certain penis-flashing senior citizen) and deserved the axe, but don't feel too bad for him -- he'll go back to his old job being the understudy for Gerald McRainey in local dinner theaters.
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as trying to pull that other drumstick away from your fat Aunt Rita.
New England (-6.5) at DETROIT (51): Current Cowboys and former Lions receiver Roy Williams defended Matt Millen's track record as a general manager this week. That's like Lady Gaga saying Madonna's an excellent singer. Patriots 31, Lions 17.
New Orleans (-3.5) at DALLAS (51): If Dallas pulls this one out, Jason Garrett should have been working with Helen Keller. Saints 27, Cowboys 21.
Cincinnati (+8.5) at NY JETS (43.5): You'd expect T.O. to
show up big on Turkey Day, wouldn't you? Jets 23, Bengals 17.
Minnesota (+1) at WASHINGTON (43): We're going to watch this game with Green Day's "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" playing over and over in the background. Racists 23, Vikings 21.
Pittsburgh (-6) at BUFFALO (43): Expect the Steeler defense to beat the stuffing out of Ryan Fitzpatrick. Steelers 23, Bills 14.
Tennessee (+6.5) at HOUSTON (45.5): We're pretty sure that was Opie Cunningham running the Tennessee offense in the fourth quarter last week. Texans 24, Titans 19.
Jacksonville (+7.5) at NY GIANTS (44.5): So, which end of the seesaw is Eli on this week? Up, or down? Light meat, or dark (note: we've always preferred the dark)? Giants 24, Jaguars 17.
Carolina (+10) at CLEVELAND (37.5): Are the Panthers this bad? Does your mom always make too much food? Browns 21, Panthers 13.
BALTIMORE (-7.5) at Tampa Bay (41): A half-point too much. Ravens 20, Buccaneers 13.
Philadelphia (-3.5) at CHICAGO (42): Picking the upset here, as we expect the Bears to take a bite out of Michael Vick. Bears 20, Eagles 17.
Green Bay (+2) at ATLANTA (47.5): On a weekend dedicated to overeating, it pains us to go against a team named after the meat industry. Falcons 24, Packers 21.
Miami (NA) at OAKLAND (NA): No line as of now -- we'll update when it goes up.
Kansas City (-1) at SEATTLE (44.5): The Hoser's 100-1 Chiefs Super Bowl ticket is starting to look more and more like a cheque from Bernie Madoff. Seahawks 23, Chiefs 20.
St. Louis (+4) at DENVER (44.5): We don't care of the Rams lose the rest of the way -- Steve Spagnuolo deserves some Coach of the Year votes. Broncos 23, Rams 17.
San Diego (+3) at INDIANAPOLIS (51.5): We've started a holiday charity in Peyton Manning's honour this year. Send your turkeys to "Let's Give The Colts The Bird" c/o The Hoser. Colts 30, Chargers 26.
San Francisco (-1) at ARIZONA (40): Forget the turkey -- if the 49ers drop this, Mike Singletary should get the axe. 49ers 23, Cardinals 19.
Lock of the Week: Chicago
Trifecta: Chicago, Denver, Seattle
2010 Week 11 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 12-4
Against The Spread: 10-6
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $1,240
2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 99-63
Against The Spread: 88-76-8
Lock of the Week: 5-6
Trifecta: 2-9
Money: $-810
2010 Week 11 Money Spent: $15
2010 Week 11 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $140
2010 Season Money Made: $50
2010 Total: $-90
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Oakland (+7.5) at PITTSBURGH (40.5): Steelers 23, Raiders 17.
Houston (+6.5) at NY JETS (46): Jets 23, Texans 17.
Baltimore (-10.5) at CAROLINA (37): Ravens 20, Panthers 13.
Washington (+7) at TENNESSEE (44): Titans 23, Racists 17.
Detroit (+6.5) at DALLAS (47): Cowboys 30, Lions 16.
Green Bay (-3) at MINNESOTA (44): Packers 26, Vikings 21.
Buffalo (+4.5) at CINCINNATI (41.5): Bengals 24, Bills 19.
Cleveland (+2) at JACKSONVILLE (43): Jaguars 28, Browns 19.
Arizona (+8) at KANSAS CITY (43.5): Chiefs 24, Cardinals 13.
Seattle (+11.5) at NEW ORLEANS (44.5): Saints 31, Seahawks 13
Atlanta (-3) at ST. LOUIS (43): Falcons 24, Rams 16.
Tampa Bay (+3) at SAN FRANCISCO (42.5): 49ers 22, Buccaneers 21.
Indianapolis (+4) at NEW ENGLAND (50): Patriots 26, Colts 24.
NY Giants (+3) at PHILADELPHIA (48): Eagles 24, Giants 23.
Denver (+9.5) at SAN DIEGO (50): Chargers 31, Broncos 24.
Lock of the Week: Atlanta
Trifecta: Atlanta, New Orleans, Jacksonville
2010 Week 10 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 6-8
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $140
2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 87-59
Against The Spread: 68-70-8
Lock of the Week: 4-6
Trifecta: 1-9
Money: $-2,050
2010 Week 10 Money Spent: $0
2010 Week 10 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $125
2010 Season Money Made: $50
2010 Total: $-75
Thursday, November 18, 2010
The remainder of The Hoer will be posted tomorrow -- looks like haiku week will have to be postponed until our staff recovers from last week's trade show. We won't say where it was or what trade was involved, but we will say turkey baster, lube and three cheeseburgers.
Draw your own conclusions.
Tonight's match-up:
Chicago (+1.5) at MIAMI (39): This looks to be a pretty even match-up, so we'll lean heavily on two factors -- the Dolphins are at home and Jay Cutler sucks when he's pressured. Dolphins 22, Bears 17.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Welcome to Week Ten of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re hotter right now than a turkey in a deep fryer.
The Hoser staff knocked it out of the park for the second week in a row, rolling up an incredible 11-2 record against the spread and a 10-3 mark straight up. That’s terrific, but even with a sparkling 20-6 run ATS during the past two weeks, we’re now sitting at exactly .500 for the season. Ouch.
Of course, it can’t all be peaches and cream, and the Patriots falling asleep against the Browns cost us the Lock of the Week and our Trifecta. Still, we managed to pick up a couple hundred bucks towards the deep hole we’ve dug ourselves – now we’re just a little more than $2,000 in the red. Can a brother get some stimulus package?
Wade Phillips finally got the axe in Dallas, where Jerry Jones’s patience had worn thinner than his lips. Front-runners for the job are Jon Gruden and Bill Cowher, although we fully expect Jones to make an offer to Robert Benigni – he’s already been Pinocchio once.
Tune in next week for our annual haiku edition, or ...
It comes once a year
Your chance to channel your muse
So get your poem on!
... and we’re going to have a contest to boot! Pick the game from Week 11 you’re surest about, then write it up in haiku form along with your prediction of the score and post it either in the comments section of this blog or in The Hoser’s thread on sportsfilter.com. The person coming closest to the actual score of the game they picked will receive a framed piece of their favourite NFL player courtesy of The Hoser and The IceBox Cards & Collectibles in Barrie, ON!
Contest entries must be posted either on SportsFilter or this blog in the comments section by Sunday, Nov. 21 by 12:59 EST to be considered. Entries must be a valid haiku (5/7/5 form) and have a complete prediction to be considered.
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as trying to fit “Nantucket” in your haiku.
Baltimore (+1.5) at ATLANTA (43.5): It’s just a hunch, but we think Joe Flacco will go Whacco this week. Ravens 26, Falcons 20.
Cincinnati (+8) at INDIANAPOLIS (46.5): You get the feeling the Colts could sign three homeless guys outside Lucas Oil Stadium and Peyton Manning would throw each of them a TD pass. Colts 29, Bengals 22.
Houston (+1.5) at JACKSONVILLE (50): Most of the stat geeks have this as a dead heat. They’re almost right. Jaguars 27, Texans 24.
Tennessee (PK) at MIAMI (41.5): Chad Pennington alert! Chad Pennington alert! Be on the lookout for tons of dump offs, screens and ducks. Titans 23, Dolphins 19.
Minnesota (-1) at CHICAGO (40): Take the Vikings – Chicago could still be suffering poutine withdrawal. Vikings 22, Bears 16.
Detroit (+3) at BUFFALO (42.5): Apparently, not a lot of faith out there in Drew Stanton. Bills 22, Lions 17.
New York Jets (-3) at CLEVELAND (37): Peyton Hillis and two draft picks for Brady Quinn? That’s 10-20 years behind bars in some states. Jets 19, Browns 17.
Carolina (+8) at TAMPA BAY (37): Okay, so the Bucs aren’t the best team in the conference – but they’re sure better than the Panthers. Buccaneers 22, Panthers 16.
Kansas City (-1) at DENVER (42): Thinking about the Broncos makes us feel like we just got off the Tilt-A-Whirl. Chiefs 23, Broncos 13.
St. Louis (+6) at SAN FRANCISCO (38): The good news is, pretty soon Mike Singletary will be able to hook up with Wade Phillips for two-for-one specials at Old Country Buffet. 49ers 17, Rams 16.
Seattle (+3) at ARIZONA (41): Shut it down! Cardinals 22, Seahawks 14.
Dallas (+13.5) at NY GIANTS (44.5): We’ll miss the facial expressions Wade Phillips’s made on the sideline, but you’d do it too if your boss’s whole arm was up your ass all week. Giants 31, Cowboys 20.
New England (+4) at PITTSBURGH (43.5): We have no good read on this game, but it seems like a field goal at most – even at Heinz Field. Steelers 23, Patriots 20.
Philadelphia (-3) at WASHINGTON (41.5): The Hoser would be pleased if somehow both these teams could lose. Eagles 24, Racists 17.
Lock of the Week: Jacksonville
Trifecta: Kansas City, Baltimore, Jacksonville
2010 Week Nine Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 10-3
Against The Spread: 11-2
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $280
2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 79-53
Against The Spread: 62-62-8
Lock of the Week: 3-6
Trifecta: 1-8
Money: $-2,190
2010 Week 9 Money Spent: $25
2010 Week 9 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $125
2010 Season Money Made: $50
2010 Total: $-75
The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
Most likely the best week The Hoser has ever had -- 11-2 against the spread and 10-3 straight up. The bad news is one of the losses was New England in the Lock of the Week.
Still, given the way this season has gone, we'll take it and we'll take being 20-6 against the spread during the past two weeks.
Haiku week this week!
2010 Week Nine Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 10-3
Against The Spread: 11-2
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $280
2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 79-53
Against The Spread: 62-62-8
Lock of the Week: 3-6
Trifecta: 1-8
Money: $-2,190
2010 Week 9 Money Spent: $25
2010 Week 9 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $125
2010 Season Money Made: $50
2010 Total: $-75
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Welcome to Week Nine of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where the long night is over – at least for now.
The Hoser staff finally brought home a winner, hammering out a 9-4 record both against the spread and straight up. We also knocked it out of the park on the extras, picking San Francisco as our Lock of the Week and following it up with a Trifecta score of the 49ers, St. Louis and Tampa Bay. That netted a tidy $1,460 gain – which means we’re now a paltry $2,500 or so in the hole for the season.
The week could only have been better had Tennessee been able to score at the end of its loss to the Chargers. We had the Titans +3 and a touchdown would have given us a monster $375 payout on a $5 seven-team parlay. Once again, Norv Turner (and the early loss of Kenny Britt) screws us.
The good news for Randy Moss – he has a job in Tennessee. The bad news – every Friday, Titans’ practice is catered by Stuckey’s.
In Washington, head coach Mike Shanahan benched Donovan McNabb in favour of Rex Grossman at the end of a loss to the Lions, supposedly for lacking the “cardiovascular fitness” to run the two-minute drill. This is McNabb’s own fault for buying a copy of Albert Haynesworth’s workout video, “Bitching and Moaning to the Oldies.”
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as ranking Jerry Rice ahead of Jim Brown as the best NFL player of all time.
Chicago (-2.5) at BUFFALO (41): The game’s in Toronto, but will anyone care after last week’s awesome Argos/Alouettes kickfest? We think not. Bears 23, Bills 20.
San Diego (-2.5) at HOUSTON (51): We’ve reached the point of the season where Norv Turner starts dancing around and singing, “It’s the moooost wonderfulll timmmmmeeee of the yearrrrr,” and saves his job again. Chargers 27, Texans 24.
New Orleans (-6.5) at CAROLINA (41): We found out this week Saints quarterback Drew Brees apparently has President Barack Obama on speed-dial on his cell phone. Doesn’t he have any running backs stored in there? Saints 30, Panthers 13.
Arizona (+9) at MINNESOTA (40.5): It’s pretty sad to think the Vikings have a quarterback with a broken ankle and tendinitis that’s better than both of Phoenix’s QBs combined. Vikings 24, Cardinals 16.
Tampa Bay (+8) at ATLANTA (44.5): Bucs head coach Raheem Morris said this week his team is the best in the NFC. That’s the kind of thing that gets a drug-testing policy pushed along. Falcons 23, Buccaneers 17.
NY Jets (-4) at DETROIT (41.5): Had the government put Calvin Johnson in charge of rebuilding the Big Three, he’d be done by now and we’d all be flying Jetsons cars. Lions 23, Jets 19.
Miami (+5.5) at BALTIMORE (40.5): Do you think Ravens defensive coordinator Greg Mattison has stopped talking about the 34 the Bills hung on them two weeks ago? Neither do we. Ravens 22, Dolphins 17.
New England (-5) at CLEVELAND (44): Ahh, another chance for Bill Belichick to embarrass a former protégé. At least Mangini could outdress him if he wanted. Patriots 31, Browns 20.
NY Giants (-7) at SEATTLE (41.5): Seattle QB Matt Hasselbeck had put on him last week, he might be seeing triple. With the Seahawks’ receiving corps, however, actually having three of each of them wouldn’t help. Giants 27, Seahawks 19.
Kansas City (+2.5) at OAKLAND (40.5): A meaningful game between the Chiefs and the Raiders? Somewhere, primates are becoming airborne from Wayne Campbell’s anus. Raiders 23, Chiefs 20.
Indianapolis (+2.5) at PHILADELPHIA (46.5): This, my friends, is what is known as a trap line. Take all that crap you hear about Andy Reid on a bye week and Indy’s injuries, throw it out the window and repeat to yourself, “Peyton Manning, Peyton Manning …” Colts 27, Eagles 23.
Dallas (+8) at GREEN BAY (45.5): Dallas hasn’t sucked like this since Debbie was in town. Packers 29, Cowboys 19.
Pittsburgh (-4.5) at CINCINNATI (41.5): Boy, having Ocho Cinco AND T.O. has made all the difference, hasn’t it? Steelers 24, Bengals 17.
Lock of the Week: New England
Trifecta: New England, Oakland, Green Bay
2010 Week Eight Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 9-4
Against The Spread: 9-4
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $1,560
2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 69-50
Against The Spread: 51-60-8
Lock of the Week: 3-5
Trifecta: 1-7
Money: $-2,470
2010 Week 8 Money Spent: $20
2010 Week 8 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $100
2010 Season Money Made: $50
2010 Total: $-50
The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
