Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Picks 2009 Week 16, where we got our lump of coal a week early.

After having several good weeks in a row, The Hoser hit the nog hard and stumbled to an awful 4-10-2 mark against the spread and just 8-8 straight up. San Diego’s struggles with the Bengals cost us the Lock of the Week and the Trifecta.

Due to my illness and the Christmas rush here in The Hoser’s workshop, it’ll just be the picks this week with an occasional observation. Those, however, are more than likely just as funny as what we normally do.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as getting your wife that lingerie in an "XL" for Christmas.

Seattle (+14) at GREEN BAY [41.5]: Hammered by Tampa last week, here are other Bays which could beat Seattle – Green Bay, The Bay of Fundy, Jason Bay and any random cast of Baywatch. Packers 37, Seahawks 14.

Oakland (+3) at CLEVELAND [38]: The Raiders are about as predictable as Al Davis off his meds (Editor’s note: The Hoser has no knowledge of Mr. Davis actually being on any type of medication. If he isn’t, however, he should be.). Browns 20, Raiders 16.

Kansas City (+13) at CINCINNATI [40]: Bengals 27, Chiefs 17.

Buffalo (+9) at ATLANTA [41]: Falcons 24, Bills 17.

Houston (+3) at MIAMI [45]: Congrats to Ricky Williams for topping 1,000 rushing yards this season. No, there’s not a marijuana joke coming. Dolphins 22, Texans 17.

Carolina (+7.5) at NY GIANTS [42.5]: Anyone else sick of Gilly on SNL yet? Giants 26, Panthers 19.

Tampa Bay (+14) at NEW ORLEANS [49]: Saints 33, Buccaneers 14.

Jacksonville (+8) at NEW ENGLAND [43.5]: Patriots 24, Jaguars 14.

Baltimore (+3) at PITTSBURGH [42]: Steelers 20, Ravens 19.

Denver (+7) at PHILADELPHIA [41.5]: The Eagles awarded Michael Vick the Ed Block Courage Award this week. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Eagles 26, Broncos 20.

St. Louis (+14) at ARIZONA [43.5]: Cardinals 28, Rams 17.

Detroit (+13) at SAN FRANCISCO [41]: Putting Calvin Johnson in Detroit’s offense is like giving Van Gogh one of those Stanley paint sprayers. 49ers 26, Lions 10.

New York Jets (+5.5) at INDIANAPOLIS [40.5]: Will Peyton play past the first quarter? Does it really matter? Colts 27, Jets 14.

Dallas (-7) at WASHINGTON [42]: Do you get the idea Jim Zorn draws up plays on toilet paper while he’s in the can? Cowboys 24, Racists 19.

Minnesota (-7) at CHICAGO [41]: Here’s a tip for Brett Favre: Quarterbacks run the offense on the field, while head coaches run the entire time all the time. Note the difference. Vikings 23, Bears 14.

Lock of the Week: Miami
Trifecta: Miami, Indianapolis, Minnesota

2009 Week 14 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-8
Against The Spread: 4-10-2
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-1,200

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 156-67
Against The Spread: 118-104-4
Lock of the Week: 8-7
Trifecta: 3-12
Money: $+1,530

2009 Week 15 Money Spent: $0
2009 Week 15 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $215
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-15

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Just throwing this up there -- sick as a dog and headed to bed:

San Diego (-5) at TENNESSEE: We're rooting for Chris Johnson, but we're betting on the Chargers. Chargers 30, Titans 24.

Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Picks 2009 Week 15, where we're just flat out of time.

The Hoser continued to roll in Week 14, posting a 10-6 record against the spread and 12-4 straight up. The Cowboys didn’t let us down, choking one off against the Chargers to nail down the Lock. Unfortunately, Arizona and its amazing juggling act cost us the Trifecta. Can’t have everything – where would you put it? (Remind me to send a nickel to Steven Wright.)

Many of these lines are lifted from vegasinsider.com because Danny Sheridan wouldn’t list the lines on games with major injuries. We understand, but we don’t have that problem because our picks are about as scientific as a Baptist revival.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as waiting until the last minute and buying your wife's gifts at the 7-11.

Indianapolis (-3) at JACKSONVILLE [43]: Apparently the Jaguar mascot got hung up 100 feet in the air over the field before last week's game. Pretty fitting metaphor for Jacksonville's progress this season, huh? Colts 23, Jaguars 17.

Dallas (+7.5) at NEW ORLEANS [53.5]: Think the Cowboys have started booking their February golf outings yet? Saints 31, Cowboys 23.

Green Bay (+2) at PITTSBURGH [41]: Ah, we remember when Mike Tomlin was a young genius. Didn't that happen to Eric Mangini? Packers 22, Steelers 19.

Miami (+3) at TENNESSEE [40]: One streak ends and another begins. Titans 24, Dolphins 20.

New England (-7) at BUFFALO [40.5]: Functioning without an offensive coordinator this season, the Patriots have had trouble scoring. Too bad you can’t say the same for that mascot dude. Patriots 24, Bills 14.

Arizona (-12) at DETROIT [46.5]: If the Cardinals turn the ball over seven times this week, they’re still going to win, aren’t they? Cardinals 37, Lions 17.

San Francisco (+8) at PHILADELPHIA [42.5]: The Hoser released 49ers tight end Vernon Davis from his fantasy team last season. Twice. No, we're not winning our league this year, either. Eagles 27, 49ers 17.

Atlanta (+5) at NY JETS [NL]: When is Broadway Mark Sanchez going to do a pantyhose ad? Jets 21, Falcons 19.

Chicago (+11) at BALTIMORE [40.5]: You know things are going bad when Bears fans are fondly reminiscing about the Dick Jauron era. Ravens 23, Bears 14.

Cleveland (+1.5) at KANSAS CITY [37]: There's nothing funny about this match-up. Chiefs 20, Browns 17.

Houston (-10) at ST. LOUIS [43]: The line on this game is delayed because Rams quarterback Marc Bulger may be sidelined again. We can’t figure out if that would move it for or against St. Louis, though. Texans 29, Rams 16.

Cincinnati (+6.5) at SAN DIEGO [43.5]: RIP Chris Henry. Chargers 26, Bengals 17.

Oakland (+14) at DENVER [37]: This is a statement game. For the Broncos, it's a chance to solidify their playoff hopes. For the Raiders, it's another chance to say, "Yes, we completely fucked up our last few first-round draft picks." Broncos 31, Raiders 13.

Tampa Bay (+6.5) at SEATTLE [39.5]: These two teams should skip the game and have an "Ugliest Alternate Uniform" catwalkoff. Seahawks 27, Buccaneers 17.

Minnesota (-9) at CAROLINA [43]: Tougher to kick -- a crack addiction or our reliance on Jake Delhomme jokes. We've got the shakes thinking about him retiring already. Vikings 38, Panthers 17.

NY Giants (-3) at WASHINGTON [44]: We hate to admit it, but Washington starting to look pretty decent. Ugh ... we need a shower. Racists 23, GIants 22.

Lock of the Week: San Diego
Trifecta: San Diego, Minnesota, Green Bay

2009 Week 14 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 12-4
Against The Spread: 10-6
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $740

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 148-59
Against The Spread: 114-94-2
Lock of the Week: 8-6
Trifecta: 3-11
Money: $+2,730

2009 Week 14 Money Spent: $0
2009 Week 14 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $215
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-15

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Just posting the score for tonight's game -- the rest of The Hoser will follow tomorrow.

Indianapolis (-3) at JACKSONVILLE [43]: Apparently the Jaguar mascot got hung up 100 feet in the air over the field before last week's game. Pretty fitting metaphor for Jacksonville's progress this season, huh? Colts 23, Jaguars 17.

Another solid week for The Hoser, although Kurt Warner deciding to turn back the clock and help his team become the Arizona Turnovers cost us the Trifecta.

Lock of the Week: San Diego
Trifecta: New York Jets, San Diego, Arizona

2009 Week 14 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 12-4
Against The Spread: 10-6
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $740

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 148-59
Against The Spread: 114-94-2
Lock of the Week: 8-6
Trifecta: 3-11
Money: $+2,730

Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Picks 2009 Week 14, where we’ll be doing our Christmas shopping wherever Falcons defensive tackle Jonathan Babineaux pick up his one-and-a-half ounce goodie bag.

The Hoser was above .500 again at 9-7 both against the spread and straight up, but the Saints struggling against Washington cost us both our Lock and the Trifecta. We’re still up for the year, but the run of Locks is over and this week, it doesn’t look much better.

New England head coach Bill Belichick sent four players home Wednesday after they were late for an 8 a.m. meeting. Linebacker Adalius Thomas said, “You can't run people over getting to work, so there ain't nothing to really apologize (for).” Apparently, he never caught a ride with Randy Moss.

In other tangentially sports-related news, Tiger and Elin Woods are now rumoured to be moving to a private island in Scandinavia to get away from the publicity. Real reason – Ekin doesn’t know it, but the Swedish Bikini Team’s training facilities are on the next island over.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as turning your back on Flozell Adams.

Pittsburgh (-10) at CLEVELAND [33]: There could be less scoring here than in the Woods compound this weekend. Steelers 19, Browns 10.

Denver (+7) at INDIANAPOLIS [44]: Indianapolis has struggled early in games all season. That’ll keep this one tight enough until the end to let the Broncos cover. Colts 26, Broncos 21.

Cincinnati (+6.5) at MINNESOTA [43]: So apparently all you have to stop the Vikings is shut down Adrian Peterson. And all you have to do solve the world’s energy problems is create cold fusion. Vikings 24, Bengals 20.

NY Jets (-3) at TAMPA BAY [37]: Somewhere, “Ice Road Truckers” is on. Go find it. Jets 20, Buccaneers 14.

Buffalo (PK) at KANSAS CITY [37]: Ryan Fitzpatrick vs. Matt Cassel. Not exactly Montana vs. Marino, is it? Bills 21, Chiefs 17.

Green Bay (-3) at CHICAGO [41]: Officials have now announced the reason the Salahis were able to sneak into a White House dinner – the Secret Service hired off-duty Green Bay offensive linemen as security. Packers 23, Bears 17.

New Orleans (-10.5) at ATLANTA [50]: That wasn’t a bullet the Saints dodged last week – it was an ICBM. It won’t be so rough this week. Saints 30, Falcons 20.

Detroit (+13.5) at BALTIMORE [40]: In their last three games, the Ravens have faced Indianapolis, Pittsburgh and Green Bay. Welcome then, Baltimore, to what is known as your “informal bye week.” Ravens 26, Lions 16.

Miami (+3) at JACKSONVILLE [44]: The Jaguars are 7-5 despite being outscored 225-273 this season. Go ahead and make that Scooby-Doo “UhhHH?!?” noise – we did. (And yes, Scooby-Doo is hyphenated. We checked.) Jaguars 23, Dolphins 21.

Carolina (+13.5) at NEW ENGLAND [44]: The Panthers are saying Matt Moore is starting at quarterback because of Jake Delhomme’s finger. That’s only because it’s considered rude to list Delhomme as “Questionable: Sucks Ass” on the injury report. Patriots 27, Panthers 16.

Seattle (+6) at HOUSTON [44.5]: This doesn’t have anything to do with the game, but are people still buying their daughters Bratz dolls for Christmas? Seriously? “Hey, hun, play with these little training whores!” Texans 27, Seahawks 20.

St. Louis (+13) at TENNESSEE [41]: There is some good news for the Rams … actually, no, there isn’t. We were hoping we’d think of something before the end of this sentence. Titans 27, Rams 16.

Washington (-1) at OAKLAND [37.5]: Who’s having the tougher time getting a win in the nation’s capital these days – the football team or Obama? Amiright? Raiders 22, Racists 20.

San Diego (+3) at DALLAS [48.5]: Did you know the Cowboys are 15-27 in December since 2000? We bet Jerry Jones knows, and he’ll be sure to tell Wade Phillips when he cans him at the end of the season. Chargers 30, Cowboys 23.

Philadelphia (+1) at NY GIANTS [44.5]: Swear to God, if you click to the Eagles’ home page from nfl.com right now, they have an intro using the same music Spongebob Squarepants uses for Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy episodes. Don’t ask how we know that. Eagles 24, Giants 21.

Arizona (-3.5) at SAN FRANCISCO [44.5]: Is there some reason Brett Favre gets all the love he does and Kurt Warner gets little to no attention? Who has the better story, and which one is not a self-absorbed prima donna? Cardinals 27, 49ers 17.

Lock of the Week: San Diego
Trifecta: New York Jets, San Diego, Arizona

2009 Week 13 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 9-7
Against The Spread: 9-7
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-470

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 136-55
Against The Spread: 104-86-2
Lock of the Week: 7-6
Trifecta: 3-10
Money: $+1,990

2009 Week 10 Money Spent: $0
2009 Week 10 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $215
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-15

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Picks 2009 Week 13, where we promise to refrain from any Tiger Woods one-liners – at least until the third graph.

The Hoser squeaked over the .500 mark against the spread at 8-7-1 and was 13-3 straight up. What we’ve learned this season is to stop picking schmucks as the Lock, as Indianapolis came through for us again to put us in the black for the week. What wev haven’t learned is to stop picking schmucks in our Trifecta, and the Raiders sank us once again.

Are we at the third graph yet?

We thought about doing an all-Tiger week, but why take food out of Jay Leno’s mouth? Seriously, though, Tiger will lose tons of endorsements, but we think he could hook up with Astroglide. He’ll need a case after the divorce reaming that might be coming down the pike.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as not having that fire hydrant at the end of your driveway painted a really bright shade of yellow.

NY Jets (-3) at BUFFALO [37]: The Bills will put Ryan Fitzpatrick under centre again. Fitzpatrick played his college ball at Harvard, which means if he has any success at all he’ll be smart enough to get the hell out of Buffalo when his contract’s up. Bills 20, Jets 19.

Denver (-4.5) at KANSAS CITY [38]: Does anyone else play for the Chiefs besides Chris Chambers? Broncos 24, Chiefs 17.

Oakland (+14.5) at PITTSBURGH [37]: Yep. We’ll bite again. Steelers 24, Raiders 13.

Houston (PK) at JACKSONVILLE [46.5]: We know it says, “Pick ‘em,” but do we have to? Jaguars 23, Texans 21.

Tennessee (+6.5) at INDIANAPOLIS [47]: Oof. How do you pick against an undefeated powerhouse like the Colts? Just like this. Titans 22, Colts 19.

Philadelphia (-5.5) at ATLANTA [44]: No Matt Ryan. No Michael Turner. No chance. Eagles 26, Falcons 14.

Detroit (+13) at CINCINNATI [42]: The Lions may be forced to play third-string QB Drew Stanton, and if he gets hurt, Eric Hipple will be warming up. Bengals 27, Lions 17.

New Orleans (-9.5) at WASHINGTON [47.5]: You guys are aware the Saints just beat the Patriots like Elin beat … oh, nevermind. Saints 34, Redskins 16.

Tampa Bay (+6.5) at CAROLINA [40]: Panthers QB Jake Delhomme will apparently miss this contest with a broken finger, which raises the question – how could they tell? Buccaneers 20, Panthers 19.

St. Louis (+9) at CHICAGO [41]: This is our sneaky pick of the week, but not because we know anything special about the Rams. We just know the Bears totally suck. Bears 21, Rams 17.

San Diego (-13) at CLEVELAND [43]: You know who could straighten out the Browns? Former University of Kansas head coach Mark Mangino. Well, straighten them out or eat them. Chargers 34, Browns 10.

San Francisco (PK) at SEATTLE [41.5]: We know it’s tough to play in Seattle, but this line makes it seem like the seventh level of Hell. And everyone knows that’s in Oakland. 49ers 23, Seahawks 20.

Minnesota (-5) at ARIZONA [48]: Kurt Warner comes back from a concussion for the Cardinals just in time to get his head beaten in by Jared Allen. Vikings 27, Cardinals 21.

Dallas (-2.5) at NY GIANTS [45]: In our heads, we still hear Pat Summerall calling these games. Cowboys 21, Giants 20.

New England (-6) at MIAMI [46.5]: Given the season so far and the negativity around the Pats, doesn’t it seem like their record should be much worse than 7-4? They’re leading their division by two games, people! Patriots 24, Miami 21.

Baltimore (+3) at GREEN BAY [43.5]: We’d give you an over/under on sacks on Aaron Rodgers, but we still don’t know how to make the infinity sign on our keyboard. Packers 22, Ravens 13.

Lock of the Week: New Orleans
Trifecta: Denver, New Orleans, Green Bay

2009 Week 12 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 13-3
Against The Spread: 8-7-1
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $430

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 127-48
Against The Spread: 95-79-2
Lock of the Week: 7-5
Trifecta: 3-9
Money: $2,460

2009 Week 10 Money Spent: $10
2009 Week 10 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $215
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-15

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.