Welcome to Week Five of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we simply have no idea where any NFL team is going – except the Rams.

The Hoser stumbled to a 6-7 week against the spread and missed both the Lock of the Week and the Trifecta. We barely made it over .500 straight up, going 7-6. Our percentage is getting dangerously close to Shaq’s free-throw rate.

Not surprisingly, Terrell Owens complained about not getting the ball enough after Dallas lost to Washington last week. This was despite being targeted 20 times. That’s more looks from Tony Romo than Jessica Simpson gets in a nightie. Here’s a thought, TO – try catching more than 50 percent of those.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as not forcing Al Davis to take his meds.

Indianapolis (-3) at HOUSTON – O/U 46: Coming soon to the NFL Network: a gripping telepic on the Texans’ on-again, off-again offense – “The Two Faces of Matt Schaub.” Maybe they can get Michael Gross to star. Colts 24, Texans 23.

Tennessee (-2) at BALTIMORE – O/U 34: There’s going to be less scoring here than at a Star Wars convention. Titans 23, Ravens 14.

San Diego (-6) at MIAMI – O/U 45: All the attention paid to Chargers RB Darren Sproles is paying off. He’s just signed a deal to star in “The Gary Coleman Story.” Chargers 31, Dolphins 21.

Kansas City (+10) at CAROLINA – O/U 38: Herm Edwards has found the prescription – take 30 LJ touches and draw a paycheck for another week. Panthers 21, Chiefs 19.

Washington (+6) at PHILADELPHIA – O/U 42: The Hoser has received several complaints about referring to Washington as “The Racists,” including one who said “redskin” is no longer an offensive term. We suggested he attend the next Native American rally he could find, walk up to the biggest man there and say, “What’s up, Redskin?” He’ll let us know how that turns out. Eagles 26, Racists 23.

Chicago (-3) at DETROIT – O/U 44: Firing Matt Millen isn’t going to make the Lions any better, but it sure is going to make whatever Taco Bell he lands a job at much worse. Bears 27, Lions 17.

Atlanta (+7) at GREEN BAY – O/U 43: Did you know Queen has a new album coming out featuring former Bad Company lead singer Paul Rodgers? That has nothing to do with Aaron Rodgers being hurt, but it’s still pretty cool! Packers 22, Falcons 20.

Seattle (+7) at N.Y. GIANTS – O/U 44: You know injuries have been bad when you’re all hyped up about the return of Deion Branch. Giants 29, Seahawks 16.

Tampa Bay (+3) at DENVER – O/U 48: Every time that “Mike Shanahan is a genius” stuff starts up, do you notice it dies down just as quickly? Buccaneers 28, Broncos 24.

New England (-3) at SAN FRANCISCO – O/U 41: Are you rubbing your eyes and thinking this is some Twilight Zone episode after reading that line? Us too. Patriots 23, 49ers 19.

Buffalo (+1) at ARIZONA – O/U 45: No wonder Kurt Warner doesn’t believe in evolution – he apparently doesn’t have opposable thumbs. Bills 22, Cards 20.

Cincinnati (+17) at DALLAS – O/U 44: Wow. Vegas is right. Cowboys 40, Bengals 20.

Pittsburgh (+3) at JACKSONVILLE 3 – O/U 36: Man, it’s like people don’t think Mewelde Moore is just as good as Willie Parker! Jaguars 17, Steelers 16.

Minnesota (+3) at NEW ORLEANS – O/U 47: No one wants to talk about it, but The Hoser’s pretty sure Deuce McAllister’s return to prominence has to be tied to some voodoo shack in the Quarter. We’ll be watching to see if Deuce tries to eat anyone’s brains. Saints 27, Vikings 20.

Lock of the Week: Tennessee

Trifecta: Tennessee, New Orleans, Kansas City

Over/Under Good Buys: Cincy/Dallas OVER

Week Four Results:

Straight Up: 7-6

Against The Spread: 6-7

Lock of the Week: 0-1

Trifecta: 0-1

Money Banked: $-830

Season Results:

Straight Up: 39-21

Against The Spread: 25-20-2

Lock of the Week: 1-3

Trifecta: 0-4

Money Count: $-1,300

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.