Welcome to Week Nine of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re wondering what Mike Singletary’s boxers would fetch on eBay.
The Hoser went 11-3 straight up and 7-7 against the spread in Week 8, missing both the Trifecta and the Lock of the Week. It’s a hard, hard day when we make the Lock Carolina 27-21, the final’s 27-23 – and we lose. Yes, yes – put away your little violins, you bastards.
Much noise has been made recently about our refusal to use Washington’s nickname in our picks. It’s pretty simple, folks – the word “redskin” refers to the scalps traded in by English settlers for money, and eventually became a pejorative toward Native Americans themselves. Nothing at all offensive or terrible about it, right? Keep telling yourself that.
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having the Marshall University Marching Thunder feng shui your football stadium.
Houston (+4.5) at MINNESOTA – O/U 47: Vikings defensive tackle Pat Williams says his case is different than the others who tested positive for taking diuretics. We’re sure it is, as “weight loss” and “Pat Williams” have never appeared in the same story before. Texans 22, Vikings 19.
Jacksonville (-8) at CINCINNATI – O/U 40.5: Congratulations to Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson, who has 32 receptions thus far this year. Hell, Johnson mentions his own name more times than that in an average five-minute interview. Jaguars 30, Bengals 16.
Tampa Bay (-9) at KANSAS CITY – O/U 36: Too bad for the Chiefs they can’t push around opponents the way Larry Johnson pushes around women. Seriously, get this jerk out of the league and into some therapy. Buccaneers 27, Chiefs 20.
Baltimore (+1.5) at CLEVELAND – O/U 36: Free agents are apparently clamoring to have a chance to play for the Browns. Something about swollen testicles and staph infections being the new black. Browns 23, Ravens 17.
New York Jets (+5.5) at BUFFALO – O/U 42: Lessee – 15 Brett Favre picks in seven games. That works out to about 35 picks for the year – not to mention an 8-8 record and no trip to the postseason. Hey, great pick-up, though! Bills 26, Jets 19.
Arizona (+3) at ST LOUIS – O/U 48.5: It’s not the return of Cardinals QB Kurt Warner that scares St. Louis fans. It’s the thought that his wife Brenda might go back to her old hairstyle. (Hint hint – babe alert! Schwing!) Rams 24, Cardinals 23.
Detroit (+12.5) at CHICAGO – O/U 43.5: It’s entirely possible Kyle Orton could break 4,000 passing yards. Not this season – just this week against the Lions. Bears 28, Lions 17.
Green Bay (+5) at TENNESSEE – O/U 42: Reading a little history about the Packers left us with one question – why aren’t there famous people named “Curly” any more? Titans 22, Packers 19.
Miami (+3.5) at DENVER – O/U 49: Dear Ted Ginn, Jr: We carried your sorry butt all year in our keeper league but had to drop you last week. Thanks, you ungrateful bastard. Broncos 30, Dolphins 23.
Atlanta (-3) at OAKLAND – O/U 41: We thought the Raiders were breaking out the Halloween decorations a little early, but it turns out that Cryptkeeper mannequin up in the luxury suites is actually Al Davis. Falcons 23, Raiders 17.
Dallas (+8.5) at N.Y. GIANTS – O/U 41: We were considering sending an email to Terrell Owens suggesting if he wasn’t handling enough balls, he could try his own in the shower. But given the number of passes he drops over the middle, we’re not sure he has any. Giants 29, Cowboys 20.
Philadelphia (-6.5) at SEATTLE – O/U 43.5: We would say this is the week Philly drops the hammer, but against Seattle, it’s more like Whack-A-Mole. Eagles 33, Seahawks 17.
New England (+6) at INDIANAPOLIS – O/U 44.5: We were about to cue up something about how the mighty have fallen, but lo and behold, the Pats are 5-2. Someone buy Matt Cassel a beer and a little respect! Colts 23, Pats 20.
Pittsburgh (+2) at WASHINGTON – O/U 37: Do you think African-Americans would play in Washington if the team was called the "Blackskins"? Steelers 20, Those Backwards, Misguided People 17.
Lock of the Week: Philadelphia
Trifecta: Philadelphia, Jacksonville, Denver
Over/Under Good Buys: Philly/Seattle Over
Week Eight Results:
Straight Up: 11-3
Against The Spread: 7-7
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money Banked: $-760
Season Results:
Straight Up: 74-42
Against The Spread: 52-51-3
Lock of the Week: 3-5
Trifecta: 0-8
Money Count: $-2,900
The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Boy, I can't wait for the NRA to try and explain this one away.
An eight-year-old boy at the Machine Gun Shoot and Firearms Expo at the Westfield Sportsman’s Club in Westfield, Mass., lost control of a machine gun he was firing and shot himself in the head.
The police said the boy was with a licensed instructor. That must be some licensing process they have in Massachusetts. What was he thinking?
"Hell, no, son! You don't want that Daisy air rifle! Try a real man's gun -- the Uzi! Sure, it's heavy and it kicks a lot -- but there's only a 10-20% chance it's too much gun for you and might kick and blow your head off!"
Editor's Note: I'm adding this after my first stupid (and fully expected) comment.
I'm also curious -- were there other parents lined up, awaiting a chance to put a powerful weapon in the hands of a child? If so, the State of Massachusetts should into taking those children out of those homes.
How self-centered and egomaniacal do you have to be to push your own agenda on your kid to the point where you'd put his life in danger?
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Welcome to Week Eight of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re still trying to figure out how the Republicans are for the middle class and still spending $150K on Sarah Palin’s pantsuits.
The Hoser went 8-6 straight up and 6-8 against the spread in Week 7, missing both the Trifecta and the Lock of the Week. That dismal performance has finally crashed us to the .500 mark for the season, putting us at the same level as any chimp flinging poo at a chart on the wall. Or Norman Chad – same thing.
We could have predicted trouble for Tom Brady. We heard Brady’s doctor asked if Tom had any photos of girlfriend Gisele Bundchen’s burgina.
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as not picking up Darius Rucker’s new country album. Yeah, that’s Hootie – and he kicks ass.
Oakland Raiders (+7) at BALTIMORE RAVENS – O/U 36: ESPN’s Chris Berman said it took a long time, but the Raiders finally got Cable last week. We laughed – and then slapped ourselves for it. Ravens 20, Raiders 16.
San Diego Chargers (-3) at NEW ORLEANS SAINTS – O/U 45.5: Several Saints, including RB Deuce McAllister, are under suspicion of violating NFL policy for taking “water pills.” Water pills – doesn’t that mean “ice”? Saints 26, Chargers 20.
Kansas City Chiefs (+13.5) at NEW YORK JETS – O/U 39: There is absolutely no freaking way the Jets should be almost two touchdown favourites over anyone – not even the Chiefs. Jets 24, Chiefs 13.
Buffalo Bills (-1.5) at MIAMI DOLPHINS – O/U 42: Home-field advantage isn’t worth that much in Florida to make this less than a field goal. Hell, you can buy an oceanfront condo for $15 or $20 right now, can’t you? Bills 24, Dolphins 17.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+2) at DALLAS COWBOYS – O/U 40.5: As fast as the Cowboys’ star is falling, you’d think John McCain was their offensive coordinator. Buccaneers 26, Cowboys 23.
Atlanta Falcons (+9) at PHILADELPHIA EAGLES – O/U 45.5: Has anyone else noticed how Michael Turner rocks against crappy defenses and stinks against good ones? The Eagles have a pretty good one. Eagles 31, Falcons 17.
St. Louis Rams (+7.5) at NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS – O/U 43: Did the Patriots suddenly get that good? Nope, the Chargers just sucked that badly. Patriots 24, Rams 22.
Arizona Cardinals (+4) at CAROLINA PANTHERS – O/U 43: After the broken bone in his sinus cavity, does Arizona receiver Anquan Boldin have more of a nose for the ball or less? Panthers 27, Cardinals 21.
Washington Redskins (-7.5) at DETROIT LIONS – O/U 42.5: We’re wondering if Rudi Johnson ever got his clothes back? Racists 31, Lions 13.
Cleveland Browns (+6.5) at JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS – O/U 41.5: Best line heard this week -- Deadspin’s Charlie Kelley says Browns TE Kellen Winslow Jr. swollen testicles were so big, even Braylon Edwards wouldn’t drop them. Genius, my friend. Jaguars 31, Browns 20.
New York Giants (+2.5) at PITTSBURGH STEELERS – O/U 42.5: Easily the game of the week. Think Mewelde Moore might be pinching himself? Giants 23, Steelers 20.
Seattle Seahawks (+5.5) at SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS – O/U 41: We’ll take the 49ers just because new San Fran head coach Mike Singletary once yelled, “GOOD JOB!” at us after a marching band performance at Soldier Field. 49ers 30, Seahawks 20. Yeah -- we were band geeks.
Cincinnati Bengals (+9.5) at HOUSTON TEXANS – O/U 44.5: How can anyone bet against a team with Cedric Benson in its backfield? Texans 24, Bengals 17.
Indianapolis Colts (+3.5) at TENNESSEE TITANS – O/U 41: Which Colts team will show up? Doesn’t matter – either one of them would lose to this Tennessee squad. Titans 24, Colts 20.
Lock of the Week: Carolina
Trifecta: Carolina, Jacksonville, Philadelphia
Over/Under Good Buys:
Week Seven Results:
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 6-8
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money Banked: $-960
Season Results:
Straight Up: 63-39
Against The Spread: 45-44-3
Lock of the Week: 3-4
Trifecta: 0-7
Money Count: $-2,140
The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Just the picks this week:
Tennessee (-8) at KANSAS CITY -- O/U 35: Titans 20, Kansas City 13.
San Diego (-1) at BUFFALO -- O/U 46.5: Bills 23, Chargers 20.
Pittsburgh (-10) at CINCINNATI -- O/U 37: Steelers 27, Bengals 19.
Baltimore (+2.5) at MIAMI -- O/U 36: Dolphins 22, Ravens 13.
Dallas (-7) at ST LOUIS -- O/U 44: Cowboys 36, Rams 16.
Minnesota (+3.5) at CHICAGO -- O/U 38: Bears 23, Vikings 20.
New Orleans (+3) at CAROLINA -- O/U 44.5: Panthers 24, Saints 17.
San Francisco (+11) at N.Y. GIANTS -- O/U 45.5: Giants 38, 49ers 14.
Detroit (+9.5) at HOUSTON -- O/U 47.5: Lions 23, Texans 21.
N.Y. Jets (+3) at OAKLAND -- O/U 43: Jets 26, Raiders 19.
Cleveland (+7.5) at WASHINGTON -- O/U 42.5: Racists 23, Browns 21.
Indianapolis (-1.5) at GREEN BAY -- O/U 47.5: Colts 30, Packers 23.
Seattle (+11) at TAMPA BAY -- O/U 39: Buccaneers 26, Seahawks 17.
Denver (+3) at NEW ENGLAND -- O/U 46: Broncos 27, Patriots 13.
Lock of the Week: Denver
Trifecta: Denver, New York Giants, Dallas
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Not a good week to be in the NFC East -- let see how T.O. likes having Brad Johnson ignore him for Jason Witten and hand offs.
The Lock saved us, and I would have bet the farm on that one.
Week Six Results:
Straight Up: 9-5
Against The Spread: 6-8
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money Banked: $-40
Season Results:
Straight Up: 57-33
Against The Spread: 37-35-3
Lock of the Week: 3-3
Trifecta: 0-6
Money Count: $-1,180
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Welcome to Week Six of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re distracted by the opening of the hockey season – go Blues!
The Hoser again hovered at the .500 mark, going 7-7 straight up and 6-7-1 against the spread. Tennessee gave us the Lock of the Week, but we blew the Trifecta. Still, the Lock gave us a positive week at +$160. We’ll be sure to buy that Benz we’ve had our eye on.
Congratulations to Dallas CB Adam “Pacman” Jones, who managed to get into a fight with his own security guard at the same time NFL commissioner Roger Goddell was in town to talk with the Cowboys. If they really want to straighten this out, just have Jones square off with Seth Petruzelli.
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as renting Adam Sandler’s DVD. Trust us – it should have been called You Needn’t Bother With The Zohan.
Oakland (+7.5) at NEW ORLEANS – O/U 47.5: This week, Reggie Bush will also be selling popcorn and beer while the defense is on the field. Saints 26, Raiders 23.
Baltimore (+4.5) at INDIANAPOLIS – O/U 38.5: The Ravens have named Joe Flacco as their starting QB for the remainder of the season. As opposed to one guy who apparently got the ebola virus and another who is … Kyle Boller. Colts 26, Ravens 10.
Cincinnati (+6) at NEW YORK JETS – O/U 45: If you look up “mismatch” in the dictionary, we assume it gives Ryan Fitzpatrick vs. Brett Favre as the definition. Jets 31, Bengals 21.
Carolina (+1.5) at TAMPA BAY – O/U 37: Are we wrong, or is head coach Jon Gruden younger than every key contributor on his own team? Buccaneers 22, Panthers 17.
Detroit (+13) at MINNESOTA – O/U 46: We appreciate the Vikings being concerned for Gus Frerotte’s health, but we don’t think installing Bouncy Castles in front of all the stadium walls was totally necessary. Vikings 27, Lions 16.
Chicago (-2.5) at ATLANTA – O/U 43.5: Marketing idea – every time the Bears win, the city sets the Chicago River on fire! Bears 27, Falcons 14.
Miami (+3) at HOUSTON – O/U 45: The Dolphins have already doubled their win total from last season. Time to let the Texans get on the board. Texans 24, Dolphins 17.
St. Louis (+14) at WASHINGTON – O/U 44: Hey, Marc Bulger’s back! Racists 33, Rams 14.
Jacksonville (+3) at DENVER – O/U 48.5: Ut oh … the Broncos have a defense! Broncos 24, Jags 20.
Philadelphia (-5) at SAN FRANCISCO – O/U 43: Some Eagles fans reacted badly to quarterback Donovan McNabb’s blog entry about his embarrassment with the team’s play. Other were just surprised some Philly fans can read. Eagles 22, 49ers 20.
Dallas Cowboys (-5) at ARIZONA – O/U 49.5: Cardinals WR Anquan Boldin has a fractured sinus, and there was some question whether he might play this week. Man, we take off work when we get 7-UP bubbles up our nose. Cowboys 31, Cardinals 24.
Green Bay (+2) at SEATTLE – O/U 47: Aaron Rodgers will be ready. Matt Hasselbeck is out. The Seahawks totally blow. Packers 30, Seahawks 13.
New England (+6) at SAN DIEGO – O/U 44.5: Extra credit to any reader who PVRs this game, then sets it to Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin’.” Chargers 24, Patriots 17.
New York Giants (-7.5) at CLEVELAND – O/U 43: Just more than a touchdown? Are the Browns really that much better than Seattle? Giants 33, Browns 17.
Lock of the Week: Green Bay
Trifecta: Green Bay, Chicago, Indianapolis
Over/Under Good Buys: Dallas/Arizona Over
Week Five Results:
Straight Up: 7-7
Against The Spread: 6-7-1
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money Banked: $+160
Season Results:
Straight Up: 46-28
Against The Spread: 31-27-3
Lock of the Week: 2-3
Trifecta: 0-5
Money Count: $-1,140
The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Boy, Martin Grammatica sure was the answer to the Saints' kicking woes, huh?
Week Five Results:
Straight Up: 7-7
Against The Spread: 6-7-1
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money Banked: $+160
Season Results:
Straight Up: 46-28
Against The Spread: 31-27-3
Lock of the Week: 2-3
Trifecta: 0-5
Money Count: $-1,140
Monday, October 06, 2008
Sunday, October 05, 2008
Welcome to Week Five of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we simply have no idea where any NFL team is going – except the Rams.
The Hoser stumbled to a 6-7 week against the spread and missed both the Lock of the Week and the Trifecta. We barely made it over .500 straight up, going 7-6. Our percentage is getting dangerously close to Shaq’s free-throw rate.
Not surprisingly, Terrell Owens complained about not getting the ball enough after Dallas lost to Washington last week. This was despite being targeted 20 times. That’s more looks from Tony Romo than Jessica Simpson gets in a nightie. Here’s a thought, TO – try catching more than 50 percent of those.
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as not forcing Al Davis to take his meds.
Indianapolis (-3) at HOUSTON – O/U 46: Coming soon to the NFL Network: a gripping telepic on the Texans’ on-again, off-again offense – “The Two Faces of Matt Schaub.” Maybe they can get Michael Gross to star. Colts 24, Texans 23.
Tennessee (-2) at BALTIMORE – O/U 34: There’s going to be less scoring here than at a Star Wars convention. Titans 23, Ravens 14.
San Diego (-6) at MIAMI – O/U 45: All the attention paid to Chargers RB Darren Sproles is paying off. He’s just signed a deal to star in “The Gary Coleman Story.” Chargers 31, Dolphins 21.
Kansas City (+10) at CAROLINA – O/U 38: Herm Edwards has found the prescription – take 30 LJ touches and draw a paycheck for another week. Panthers 21, Chiefs 19.
Washington (+6) at PHILADELPHIA – O/U 42: The Hoser has received several complaints about referring to Washington as “The Racists,” including one who said “redskin” is no longer an offensive term. We suggested he attend the next Native American rally he could find, walk up to the biggest man there and say, “What’s up, Redskin?” He’ll let us know how that turns out. Eagles 26, Racists 23.
Chicago (-3) at DETROIT – O/U 44: Firing Matt Millen isn’t going to make the Lions any better, but it sure is going to make whatever Taco Bell he lands a job at much worse. Bears 27, Lions 17.
Atlanta (+7) at GREEN BAY – O/U 43: Did you know Queen has a new album coming out featuring former Bad Company lead singer Paul Rodgers? That has nothing to do with Aaron Rodgers being hurt, but it’s still pretty cool! Packers 22, Falcons 20.
Seattle (+7) at N.Y. GIANTS – O/U 44: You know injuries have been bad when you’re all hyped up about the return of Deion Branch. Giants 29, Seahawks 16.
Tampa Bay (+3) at DENVER – O/U 48: Every time that “Mike Shanahan is a genius” stuff starts up, do you notice it dies down just as quickly? Buccaneers 28, Broncos 24.
New England (-3) at SAN FRANCISCO – O/U 41: Are you rubbing your eyes and thinking this is some Twilight Zone episode after reading that line? Us too. Patriots 23, 49ers 19.
Buffalo (+1) at ARIZONA – O/U 45: No wonder Kurt Warner doesn’t believe in evolution – he apparently doesn’t have opposable thumbs. Bills 22, Cards 20.
Cincinnati (+17) at DALLAS – O/U 44: Wow. Vegas is right. Cowboys 40, Bengals 20.
Pittsburgh (+3) at JACKSONVILLE 3 – O/U 36: Man, it’s like people don’t think Mewelde Moore is just as good as Willie Parker! Jaguars 17, Steelers 16.
Minnesota (+3) at NEW ORLEANS – O/U 47: No one wants to talk about it, but The Hoser’s pretty sure Deuce McAllister’s return to prominence has to be tied to some voodoo shack in the Quarter. We’ll be watching to see if Deuce tries to eat anyone’s brains. Saints 27, Vikings 20.
Lock of the Week: Tennessee
Trifecta: Tennessee, New Orleans, Kansas City
Over/Under Good Buys: Cincy/Dallas OVER
Week Four Results:
Straight Up: 7-6
Against The Spread: 6-7
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money Banked: $-830
Season Results:
Straight Up: 39-21
Against The Spread: 25-20-2
Lock of the Week: 1-3
Trifecta: 0-4
Money Count: $-1,300
The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
