Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Picks 2009 Week 17, where we’re not exactly finishing strong.

The Hoser managed just an 8-7-1 record against the spread and was 11-5 straight up. Miami blew both the Lock of the Week and the Trifecta for us, but frankly, we weren’t close enough to have it matter.

This week’s lines are cobbled together from several sources, including Danny Sheridan in the USA Today, vegasinsider.com and others. Oddsmakers are justifiably nervous after watching the Colts playing the second cousins of their fourth stringers against the Jets last week. Merry Christmas, Indy fans – here’s your chance to pay good money to see the practice squad blow your perfect season!

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as setting your daughter up with Charlie Sheen.

Indianapolis (+7) at BUFFALO [NL]: Hell, who knows who the Colts will play this week? Maybe Bert Jones isn’t busy! Bills 20, Colts 16.

New Orleans (+7) at CAROLINA [NL]: Who’s the patron saint of stinking up the end of a fantastic season? Saint Mercury Morris? Saints 22, Panthers 20.

Jacksonville (+1.5) at CLEVELAND [37.5]: With Mike Holmgren now on board, Browns’ fans will expect him to do for Brady Quinn or Derek Anderson what he did with Matt Hasselbeck and Brett Favre – which is the definition of making chicken salad out of chicken shit. Browns 20, Jaguars 17.

Philadelphia (+3) at DALLAS [47]: Ah, so apparently the December curse must be over because the Cowboys beat a slumping Saints squad and Washington? Not! Eagles 27, Cowboys 24.

Chicago (-3) at DETROIT [45]: Didn’t anyone else see the Bears beat the Vikings Monday night? Are we missing something here? Bears 27, Lions 17.

New England (+8) at HOUSTON [46]: We don’t care if Brady, Moss and Belichick are all at the mall shopping on Sunday – the Pats still cover. Texans 21, Patriots 17.

Pittsburgh (-3) at MIAMI [45.5]: Go ahead and start printing up your Terrell Owens Dolphins jerseys right now. Steelers 23, Dolphins 19.

New York Giants (+9) at MINNESOTA [47.5]: Welcome to the “Who’s Been More Disappointing Lately?” Bowl! Vikings 29, Giants 21.

Cincinnati (+10) at NY JETS [35]: He’ll most likely be rested in this game, but why isn’t Cedric Benson getting some MVP love? Who’s been more valuable to his team this season? Jets 22, Bengals 13.

San Francisco (-7) at ST. LOUIS [40.5]: You’d think Steve Spagnuolo’s suffering in St. Louis, but he’s not. Imo’s Pizza and toasted ravioli heals all wounds. 49ers 22, Rams 16.

Atlanta (-2.5) at TAMPA BAY [41.5]: Speaking of awards, we dare you to figure out how Buccaneers head coach Raheem Morris won a single game with this team. We hope he gets a vote for Coach of the Year. Falcons 21, Buccaneers 20.

Green Bay (+3) at ARIZONA [44]: Given the possibility of these two teams facing one another in the first round of the playoffs, get ready to see guys you’ve never heard of carrying the ball. ‘Zona needs it more, though. Cardinals 25, Packers 17.

Kansas City (+13) at DENVER [38]: Jamaal Charles, baby, 35 freakin’ times! Broncos 26, Chiefs 16.

Baltimore (-10.5) at OAKLAND [38]: We’d love to see the Raiders attempt a field goal on every fourth down no matter the field position. Over/under on SeaBass’s leg – 66 yards. Ravens 26, Raiders 13.

Washington (+4) at SAN DIEGO [39]: (to be sung) “Zorrrrnnnn freeeeeeee, because as a coooooooach, he blows …” Chargers 27, Racists 10.

Tennessee (-4) at SEATTLE [44]: If we invite Jeff Fisher over for a playoff game, think he’ll wear his Manning jersey? Titans 24, Seahawks 10.

Lock of the Week: Chicago
Trifecta: Chicago, Tennessee, San Diego

2009 Week 16 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 11-5
Against The Spread: 8-7-1
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-570

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 167-72
Against The Spread: 126-111-5
Lock of the Week: 8-8
Trifecta: 3-15
Money: $+960

2009 Week 16 Money Spent: $0
2009 Week 16 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $215
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-15

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.