No fun this week -- hammered at the store!

Colts 24, Jets 20.
Vikings 29, Saints 27.

Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Playoff Picks 2009 Week 2, where taking the road dog last week left us in the dog house.

The Hoser hit just one of four games against the spread and was likewise 1-3 straight up. We thought Philly and Cincy would rebound, but they were flatter than Olive Oyl at a wet T-shirt contest. And Arizona, the team we thought couldn’t regroup, did – well, the offense did, at least.

Can we finally put to rest the idea Chad Ochocinco Johnson is a top-tier receiver? Darrell Revis owned him two weeks in a row, and that’s really incredible when you consider how tough it must be to play with Deion Sanders’ slobber all over you.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Jim Leavitt run your church’s youth group.

Arizona (+7) at NEW ORLEANS [57.5]: Forget about Kurt Warner playing for the glory of Jesus – we’re pretty sure that was Jesus out there Sunday night.
But as amazing as Warner and the Arizona offense was, the utter and absolute collapse of the Cardinal defense in the second half was even more spectacular and leaves us thinking they won’t fare any better with New Orleans.
It’ll be a shootout and close enough for Arizona to cover, but the Cards will take the last bullet. Saints 34, Cardinals 30.

Baltimore (+6) at INDIANAPOLIS [44]: We really, really want to take the Ravens here. Everyone knows The Hoser’s staff brooks no Peyton fans, and Baltimore can run all day long.
Still … 34 yards. That’s the number of passing yards Joe Flacco and the Ravens put up last week against the Patriots. Sure, they didn’t need to pass much, but one-dimensional offenses don’t fare well in the postseason.
We hate to say it, but … Colts 22, Ravens 17.

Dallas (+3) at MINNESOTA [46]: We’ve been looking at the quarterbacks for a few days, and does it make any sense they we think Brett Favre is more likely to have a stinker game than Tony Romo?
The Vikings just haven’t been very good down the stretch, while the Cowboys have everything going for them – Romo’s on fire, the running game is great, all the receivers are catching passes and the defense is solid.
The good news is this bumps the schedule up a week or two to start speculating about whether Favre returns next season or not. Oh boy! Cowboys 27, Vikings 23.

New York Jets (+7) at SAN DIEGO [42]: This is the one game we feel really comfortable with in our gut – and that’s a big gut to ignore.
San Diego has been rock solid since midseason, led by the resurgence of the suddenly viable Ladanian Tomlinson and the steady hand of Philip Rivers. We still wonder about Norv Turner, but this is where the Rex Ryan Love Bus finally blows a tire. Chargers 26, Jets 17.

Lock of the Week: Chargers

2009 Playoffs Week 1 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 1-3
Against The Spread: 1-3
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Money: $-730

2009 Playoffs Season Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 1-3
Against The Spread: 1-3
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Money: $-730

The Hoser’s Playoff format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Playoff Picks 2009, Week 1, where after last week’s mess, you’re talking about PLAYOFFS?!?

The Hoser went a pathetic 5-10-1 record against the spread and was 12-4 straight up. Fortunately, the Lions caved to the Bears to give us the Lock of the Week, but no Trifecta for us. We don’t feel too horribly about it, though, as we were not given advance notice that damned near every contender would be laying down like carpet.

Except for the Patriots. Ouch.

Three of these four games feature two teams that met last week. In each case, the favourite here got hammered like chopped meat, which again points out why you don’t bet football in the last few weeks. Or ever.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as playing your starters in meaningless games.

New York Jets (+2) at CINCINNATI [34]: Talk about backing in – whenever the Jets have the ball in this game, there should be a loud beeping noise. Still, there’s something to be said for having both the top running offense and top overall defense in the league.
This isn’t going to be a cakewalk for Cincy, but they still have enough offensive weapons to advance. Bengals 19, Jets 16.

Philadelphia (+4) at DALLAS [45]: So which Dallas shows up – the Cowboys who have traditionally found a way to lose in big games, or the Cowboys who have looked like world beaters the last few weeks?
We have been pimping the Eagles since the beginning of the season (Philly vs. San Diego was our Super Bowl pick), and just because they got their asses handed to them last week, that’s no reason to stop now. Defensive coordinator Sean McDermott will be blitzing all day, and we just don’t see Dallas handling it. Eagles 27, Cowboys 23.

Baltimore (+3) at NEW ENGLAND [43]: The Ravens might be the best 9-7 team in league history. Excellent defense, solid running game – sounds like the right playoff mixture.
The whole game will likely turn on how successful Bill Belichick is in turning Julian Edelman into Wes Welker. You can’t throw the long ball if you can’t run or throw the crossing route, and against the Ravens, we don’t think the Pats will do either.
Ravens 22, Patriots 20.

Green Bay (+1.5) at ARIZONA [47]: So now we know why Matt Leinart never sees the field.
The Cardinals had two game plans drawn up – one if they could still achieve the No. 2 seed (which they couldn’t), and the other to make this possibly the worst game ever to watch. “Glitter” would have been more palatable than this.
Still, the bigger is issue whether Anquan Boldin and Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie can suit up. We’re betting both will, but with Arizona 4-4 at home … Packers 24, Cardinals 21.

Lock of the Week: Cincinnati

2009 Week 17 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 12-4
Against The Spread: 5-10-1
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-150

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 179-76
Against The Spread: 131-121-6
Lock of the Week: 9-8
Trifecta: 3-14
Money: $+810

2009 Week 17 Money Spent: $0
2009 Week 17 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $215
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-15

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Picks 2009 Week 17, where we’re not exactly finishing strong.

The Hoser managed just an 8-7-1 record against the spread and was 11-5 straight up. Miami blew both the Lock of the Week and the Trifecta for us, but frankly, we weren’t close enough to have it matter.

This week’s lines are cobbled together from several sources, including Danny Sheridan in the USA Today, vegasinsider.com and others. Oddsmakers are justifiably nervous after watching the Colts playing the second cousins of their fourth stringers against the Jets last week. Merry Christmas, Indy fans – here’s your chance to pay good money to see the practice squad blow your perfect season!

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as setting your daughter up with Charlie Sheen.

Indianapolis (+7) at BUFFALO [NL]: Hell, who knows who the Colts will play this week? Maybe Bert Jones isn’t busy! Bills 20, Colts 16.

New Orleans (+7) at CAROLINA [NL]: Who’s the patron saint of stinking up the end of a fantastic season? Saint Mercury Morris? Saints 22, Panthers 20.

Jacksonville (+1.5) at CLEVELAND [37.5]: With Mike Holmgren now on board, Browns’ fans will expect him to do for Brady Quinn or Derek Anderson what he did with Matt Hasselbeck and Brett Favre – which is the definition of making chicken salad out of chicken shit. Browns 20, Jaguars 17.

Philadelphia (+3) at DALLAS [47]: Ah, so apparently the December curse must be over because the Cowboys beat a slumping Saints squad and Washington? Not! Eagles 27, Cowboys 24.

Chicago (-3) at DETROIT [45]: Didn’t anyone else see the Bears beat the Vikings Monday night? Are we missing something here? Bears 27, Lions 17.

New England (+8) at HOUSTON [46]: We don’t care if Brady, Moss and Belichick are all at the mall shopping on Sunday – the Pats still cover. Texans 21, Patriots 17.

Pittsburgh (-3) at MIAMI [45.5]: Go ahead and start printing up your Terrell Owens Dolphins jerseys right now. Steelers 23, Dolphins 19.

New York Giants (+9) at MINNESOTA [47.5]: Welcome to the “Who’s Been More Disappointing Lately?” Bowl! Vikings 29, Giants 21.

Cincinnati (+10) at NY JETS [35]: He’ll most likely be rested in this game, but why isn’t Cedric Benson getting some MVP love? Who’s been more valuable to his team this season? Jets 22, Bengals 13.

San Francisco (-7) at ST. LOUIS [40.5]: You’d think Steve Spagnuolo’s suffering in St. Louis, but he’s not. Imo’s Pizza and toasted ravioli heals all wounds. 49ers 22, Rams 16.

Atlanta (-2.5) at TAMPA BAY [41.5]: Speaking of awards, we dare you to figure out how Buccaneers head coach Raheem Morris won a single game with this team. We hope he gets a vote for Coach of the Year. Falcons 21, Buccaneers 20.

Green Bay (+3) at ARIZONA [44]: Given the possibility of these two teams facing one another in the first round of the playoffs, get ready to see guys you’ve never heard of carrying the ball. ‘Zona needs it more, though. Cardinals 25, Packers 17.

Kansas City (+13) at DENVER [38]: Jamaal Charles, baby, 35 freakin’ times! Broncos 26, Chiefs 16.

Baltimore (-10.5) at OAKLAND [38]: We’d love to see the Raiders attempt a field goal on every fourth down no matter the field position. Over/under on SeaBass’s leg – 66 yards. Ravens 26, Raiders 13.

Washington (+4) at SAN DIEGO [39]: (to be sung) “Zorrrrnnnn freeeeeeee, because as a coooooooach, he blows …” Chargers 27, Racists 10.

Tennessee (-4) at SEATTLE [44]: If we invite Jeff Fisher over for a playoff game, think he’ll wear his Manning jersey? Titans 24, Seahawks 10.

Lock of the Week: Chicago
Trifecta: Chicago, Tennessee, San Diego

2009 Week 16 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 11-5
Against The Spread: 8-7-1
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-570

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 167-72
Against The Spread: 126-111-5
Lock of the Week: 8-8
Trifecta: 3-15
Money: $+960

2009 Week 16 Money Spent: $0
2009 Week 16 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $215
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-15

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.