Friday, December 15, 2006

Welcome to Week Fifteen of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where our Christmas spirit has been tempered by passing around the stomach flu. Seriously, if we’re not very funny this week, you try humour while clenching at both ends.

The Hoser went 9-7 against the spread and 10-6 straight up, but watched our two-game Lock of the Week streak go down like Brett Favre in front of Michael Strahan. If any of you can still count the Colts as serious Super Bowl threats after that, we’ve got some genuine Sidd Finch autographs we’d like to sell you.

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Oliver Stone teach your sensitivity training class.

Editor’s Note: The Hoser already nailed the San Francisco-Seattle game.

Dallas @ ATLANTA (+3): We loved the expression on Bill Parcells’s face after he received a 15-yard penalty for throwing his challenge flag inside two minutes last week. It’s the same face Michael Irvin makes when you tell him there’s no more coke left. Dallas 21, Atlanta 20.

NY Jets @ MINNESOTA (-3.5): Minnesota Vikings defensive backs coach Joe Woods was charged with two counts of drunken driving this week after blowing a .12. Charges were dropped, however, after the D.A. said it could reasonably expected that anyone working with the Minnesota secondary would be drinking even more heavily than Woods. Minnesota 20, New York Jets 16.

Cleveland @ BALTIMORE (-11.5): Browns safety Brian Russell has his second staph infection in three months and is the fourth Cleveland player to suffer the same fate in the past two seasons. It doesn’t help, however, that all Browns players are treated at the nearby Ron Mexico Free Clinic. Baltimore 21, Cleveland 13.

Houston @ NEW ENGLAND (-11.5): After reading about Miami’s supposed successful in studying TV tapes of Patriot QB Tom Brady, Texans’ management ordered tapes of their own. Unfortunately, Brady’s hosting gig on SNL probably won’t help much. New England 31, Houston 14.

Miami @ BUFFALO (-1): A 17-year-old girl claiming she had a two-year sexual relationship with Dolphins rookie Marcus Vick has filed a lawsuit against him. The girl said Vick misled her, especially by using an alias – “Ron Mexico Jr.” Buffalo 22, Miami 20.

Pittsburgh @ CAROLINA (+3): Mouthy Steelers LB Joey Porter picked up a $10K fine after making some remarks about Cleveland TE Kellen Winslow. "That's what (blanks) do," Porter said. "He's soft. He wants to be tough, but he's really soft." This from a guy who we all know has taken a shot in the ass. Pittsburgh 28, Carolina 20.

Washington @ NEW ORLEANS (-9.5): The Redskins are on pace to set an NFL record for the fewest takeaways in a season. This does not count after Week 18, when Daniel Snyder will take away Joe Gibbs’s job. New Orleans 31, Washington 20.

Jacksonville @ TENNESSEE (+3.5): ESPN analyst and former Pittsburgh Steeler Merill Hoge comments about not being that impressed with Titans rookie QB Vince Young actually helped Google’s stock. Millions of people were forced to search the Internet to find out whom the hell Merril Hoge was and if there was a story behind his girlish first name. Tennessee 24, Jacksonville 23.

Tampa Bay @ CHICAGO (-13.5): Bears DT Terry “Tank” Johnson was charged with possession of a firearm without proper identification after police found six guns in his home. Johnson was released, however, after he explained he was planning to shoot anyone who continues to do that stupid “Da Bears!” thing on TV. Chicago 30, Tampa Bay 10.

Philadelphia @ NY GIANTS (-5.5): Plaxico Burress has called out the Philadelphia defense, saying there’s no way they can shut him down. I was going to try to say something funny about this, but given the state of New York’s offense and Plaxico’s penchant for shooting himself in the foot, I’ll let it stand on its own. New York Giants 24, Philadelphia 23.

Detroit @ GREEN BAY (-5): Matt Millen and Rod Marinelli are barrelling down the highway in the team bus when they come to an overpass. A sign says, "Clearance: 11’2”." So they get out, measure the bus and realize it's 11’6”.
Millen glances around furtively and says to Marinelli, “I don't see any cops around -- let's go for it!" Green Bay 26, Detroit 16.

Denver @ ARIZONA (+2.5): NFL Network analyst Cris Collinsworth said recently he thought Broncos signal caller Jay Cutler would turn out to be the best QB from the 2006 draft. His partner in the booth, Bryant Gumbel, said, “Mmm hmm … mmm hmmm… mm hmmm … mmm hmmm … mmm hmmm.” Arizona 26, Denver 24.

Kansas City @ SAN DIEGO (-8.5): Chargers RB LaDainian Tomlinson has 29 touchdowns this season. That’s the same number of offensive touchdowns the Chiefs have scored as a team. ‘Nuff said. San Diego 37, Kansas City 21.

St. Louis @ OAKLAND (-2.5): Swear to God, I received this news bulletin from my mother this morning:
St. Louis (MO)--Rams football practice was delayed nearly two hours Friday after a player reported finding a white, powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Scott Linehan immediately suspended practice and called the police and federal investigators.
After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined the white substance unknown to players was the GOAL LINE. Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again this season. St. Louis 27, Oakland 20.

Lock of the Week: Pittsburgh
Trifecta: Pittsburgh, New Orleans, San Diego
Week Fourteen:
9-7 ATS
10-6 SU
0-1 LOTW
0-1 Trifecta
97-107-3 ATS
131-76 SU
4-10 Lock
1-13 Trifecta

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