Welcome to Week 1 of the 2023 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where it seems too damned hot to be starting football.
I think back to two-a-days in Illinois in the middle of August, 95 degrees and humid, no wind ... and having to do extra windsprints because I failed the Fat Man Run by six seconds. SIX SECONDS. I wasn't fat, damn it, I was slow!
The format will stay as it has been for the past – each game
is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an
even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500
to keep the number even. We’ll use the lines of the National Score Predictions League each week (available at https://2nspl.com/index.html).
Remember
– these picks are just for fun. Using them to make real bets is as advisable as having Hunter Biden hold for you.
Detroit (+6.5) at KANSAS CITY (54.5): The Lions are going to be a vastly improved, vastly more entertaining team, and Dan Campbell might be my favourite NFL head coach. It's still Pat Mahomes, though. Chiefs 30, Lions 23.
Carolina (+3.5) at ATLANTA (39.5): The Falcons might be the most improved team in the league. The Panthers ... well, they aren't. Falcons 26, Panthers 13.
Houston (+10) at BALTIMORE (43.5): This game might be rated 18+ for the extreme violence rookie QB C.J. Stroud is likely to endure. Ravens 26, Texans 17.
Cincinnati (-2.5) at CLEVELAND (47): If the Browns are smart, they'll run the ball 50 times. They're not. Bengals 27, Browns 17.
Jacksonville (-4.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (45): I know it's Week One, but this total seems extremely low. This might push for a Lock of the Week. Jaguars 31, Colts 20.
Tampa Bay (+6) at MINNESOTA (45): The Bucs go from Tom Brady to Baker Mayfield, a drop so severe only Vesna Vulovic might be able to fathom it. Vikings 23, Buccaneers 16.
Tennessee (+3) at NEW ORLEANS (41.5): Derrick Henry might be another year older, but now he's got Tyjae Spears to capably spell him. The Titans will be boring, but I smell a bunch of 17-16 wins coming. Titans 20, Saints 17.
San Francisco (-2.5) at PITTSBURGH (40.5): I have been stocking up on Sam Darnold rookie cards. I'm either a genius or an idiot. Keep your opinions on that to yourself. 49ers 23, Steelers 20.
Arizona (+7) at WASHINGTON (38): Boy, it's not obvious the Cardinals are tanking for Caleb Williams, is it? Didn't Arizona's front office have Johnny Manziel's number? Commanders 27, Cardinals 16.
Green Bay (+1) at CHICAGO (44.5): Have the Bears hired Lori Lightfoot as their new sideline mascot? Too scary for the kids? Bears 23, Packers 20.
Las Vegas (+3.5) at DENVER (44): New Broncos head coach Sean Payton has been catching some heat about being too public with some of his opinions, but I think he went too far when he said Bud Light was WAYYY better than Coors Light. Broncos 22, Raiders 20.
Miami (+3) at LA CHARGERS (50.5): There might be more total points in this game than Arizona scores all year. Chargers 31, Dolphins 26.
Philadelphia (-3.5) at NEW ENGLAND (45): I went looking for the latest Patriots news and what did I find - Bill Belichick split up with his girlfriend. I mean, Gisele's still single, right? Eagles 29, Patriots 17.
Los Angeles Rams (+5.5) at SEATTLE (46.5): The Rams continue to pay for mortgaging their future to win a Super Bowl, to which the LA front office just smiles and points at the ring. No Cooper Kupp, either. Seahawks 29, Rams 16.
Dallas (-3.5) at NEW YORK GIANTS (46.5): The Giants at least cover in a game tighter than the skin on Jerry's face. Giants 23, Cowboys 20.
Buffalo (-2.5) at NEW YORK JETS (46.5): Is Aaron Rodgers even back from Burning Man yet? Bills 24, Jets 20.
Lock of the Week: Washington
Trifecta: Washington, Atlanta, Jacksonville
2023 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 0-0
Against The Spread: 0-0
Lock of the Week: 0-0
Trifecta: 0-0
Money: $0
2023 Week 1 Money Spent: $0
2023 Week 11 Money Made: $0
2023 Season Money Spent: $0
2023 Season Money Made: $0
2023 Total: $0
