Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Picks 2009 Week 13, where we promise to refrain from any Tiger Woods one-liners – at least until the third graph.

The Hoser squeaked over the .500 mark against the spread at 8-7-1 and was 13-3 straight up. What we’ve learned this season is to stop picking schmucks as the Lock, as Indianapolis came through for us again to put us in the black for the week. What wev haven’t learned is to stop picking schmucks in our Trifecta, and the Raiders sank us once again.

Are we at the third graph yet?

We thought about doing an all-Tiger week, but why take food out of Jay Leno’s mouth? Seriously, though, Tiger will lose tons of endorsements, but we think he could hook up with Astroglide. He’ll need a case after the divorce reaming that might be coming down the pike.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as not having that fire hydrant at the end of your driveway painted a really bright shade of yellow.

NY Jets (-3) at BUFFALO [37]: The Bills will put Ryan Fitzpatrick under centre again. Fitzpatrick played his college ball at Harvard, which means if he has any success at all he’ll be smart enough to get the hell out of Buffalo when his contract’s up. Bills 20, Jets 19.

Denver (-4.5) at KANSAS CITY [38]: Does anyone else play for the Chiefs besides Chris Chambers? Broncos 24, Chiefs 17.

Oakland (+14.5) at PITTSBURGH [37]: Yep. We’ll bite again. Steelers 24, Raiders 13.

Houston (PK) at JACKSONVILLE [46.5]: We know it says, “Pick ‘em,” but do we have to? Jaguars 23, Texans 21.

Tennessee (+6.5) at INDIANAPOLIS [47]: Oof. How do you pick against an undefeated powerhouse like the Colts? Just like this. Titans 22, Colts 19.

Philadelphia (-5.5) at ATLANTA [44]: No Matt Ryan. No Michael Turner. No chance. Eagles 26, Falcons 14.

Detroit (+13) at CINCINNATI [42]: The Lions may be forced to play third-string QB Drew Stanton, and if he gets hurt, Eric Hipple will be warming up. Bengals 27, Lions 17.

New Orleans (-9.5) at WASHINGTON [47.5]: You guys are aware the Saints just beat the Patriots like Elin beat … oh, nevermind. Saints 34, Redskins 16.

Tampa Bay (+6.5) at CAROLINA [40]: Panthers QB Jake Delhomme will apparently miss this contest with a broken finger, which raises the question – how could they tell? Buccaneers 20, Panthers 19.

St. Louis (+9) at CHICAGO [41]: This is our sneaky pick of the week, but not because we know anything special about the Rams. We just know the Bears totally suck. Bears 21, Rams 17.

San Diego (-13) at CLEVELAND [43]: You know who could straighten out the Browns? Former University of Kansas head coach Mark Mangino. Well, straighten them out or eat them. Chargers 34, Browns 10.

San Francisco (PK) at SEATTLE [41.5]: We know it’s tough to play in Seattle, but this line makes it seem like the seventh level of Hell. And everyone knows that’s in Oakland. 49ers 23, Seahawks 20.

Minnesota (-5) at ARIZONA [48]: Kurt Warner comes back from a concussion for the Cardinals just in time to get his head beaten in by Jared Allen. Vikings 27, Cardinals 21.

Dallas (-2.5) at NY GIANTS [45]: In our heads, we still hear Pat Summerall calling these games. Cowboys 21, Giants 20.

New England (-6) at MIAMI [46.5]: Given the season so far and the negativity around the Pats, doesn’t it seem like their record should be much worse than 7-4? They’re leading their division by two games, people! Patriots 24, Miami 21.

Baltimore (+3) at GREEN BAY [43.5]: We’d give you an over/under on sacks on Aaron Rodgers, but we still don’t know how to make the infinity sign on our keyboard. Packers 22, Ravens 13.

Lock of the Week: New Orleans
Trifecta: Denver, New Orleans, Green Bay

2009 Week 12 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 13-3
Against The Spread: 8-7-1
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $430

2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 127-48
Against The Spread: 95-79-2
Lock of the Week: 7-5
Trifecta: 3-9
Money: $2,460

2009 Week 10 Money Spent: $10
2009 Week 10 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $215
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-15

The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.