Just the game tonight - will have a full column up tomorrow or Saturday.
Minnesota (+7) at PHILADELPHIA (48): The Eagles looked sluggish last week, but you have to think Jalen Hurts will want to post a big night, especially given Philly is already banged up in the backfield. Eagles 29, Vikings 20.
Welcome to Week 1 of the 2023 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where it seems too damned hot to be starting football.
I think back to two-a-days in Illinois in the middle of August, 95 degrees and humid, no wind ... and having to do extra windsprints because I failed the Fat Man Run by six seconds. SIX SECONDS. I wasn't fat, damn it, I was slow!
The format will stay as it has been for the past – each game
is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an
even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500
to keep the number even. We’ll use the lines of the National Score Predictions League each week (available at https://2nspl.com/index.html).
Remember
– these picks are just for fun. Using them to make real bets is as advisable as having Hunter Biden hold for you.
Lock of the Week: Washington
Trifecta: Washington, Atlanta, Jacksonville
2023 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 0-0
Against The Spread: 0-0
Lock of the Week: 0-0
Trifecta: 0-0
Money: $0
2023 Week 1 Money Spent: $0
2023 Week 11 Money Made: $0
2023 Season Money Spent: $0
2023 Season Money Made: $0
2023 Total: $0
Here at The Hoser, we're starting to ramp up for the start of the NFL season -- well, if there is one -- but for now, here's a little Mayer Hawthorne goodness to enjoy:
Mayer on Live At Daryl's House
Yes, we know we've been slacking -- it was the holiday season, give us a break.
New Orleans (-10) at SEATTLE (45): We really wish this was just a half-point higher. All week we've had this weird feeling about the Seahawks -- tough home crowd, coming off an emotional win, finding their running game and perhaps a new leader in Clipboard Jesus. But this will be a closer game than people expect, and damn it, we're taking Seattle. Seahawks 22, Saints 20.
New York Jets (+3) at INDIANAPOLIS (44.5): We're still pissed about the coverage of the whole Rex Ryan foot fetish thing. Christ, people, the guy likes feet and he loves his wife. Given the divorce rate in this country, better than half of you should be so lucky. Colts 24, Jets 17.
Baltimore (-2.5) at KANSAS CITY (40.5): We have $10 on a 100-1 ticket for the Chiefs to win the Super Bowl. That's not going to happen, and they probably won't even get past the Ravens. And here we were going to take all 12 of you regular readers to the Wynn buffet with the winnings. Ravens 20, Chiefs 19.
Green Bay (+2.5) at PHILADELPHIA (46.5): The Packers will blitz the hell out of Michael Vick and despite his ability to run, he won't be able to target receivers. Take the points. Packers 26, Eagles 23.
Lock of the Week: Green Bay
Buffalo (+5) at MINNESOTA (43.5): Anyone else think the Vikings might win out? Vikings 24, Bills 20.
Cleveland (+5) at MIAMI (43.5): The Dolphins suck at home, and the Browns' running game will make this Peyton's Place. Browns 23, Dolphins 20.
Jacksonville (+3) at TENNESSEE (44): Is this the week Chris Johnson stops playing like Arte Johnson? Nope. Jaguars 22, Titans 16.
Denver (+8) at KANSAS CITY (48.5): The Chiefs just keep teasing us and our 100-1 $10 ticket. This week should be easy, though. Chiefs 31, Broncos 17.
Washington (+7) at NY GIANTS (43): Giants 27, Racists 17.
Chicago (+4.5) at DETROIT (43.5): Is Eric Hipple starting this week? Bears 24, Lions 16.
San Francisco (+8) at GREEN BAY (41): Packers 27, 49ers 14.
New Orleans (-6.5) at CINCINNATI (45): Saints 26, Bengals 17.
Atlanta (-3) at TAMPA BAY (43.5): Falcons 23, Buccaneers 19.
Oakland (+13) at SAN DIEGO (44.5): Chargers 30, Raiders 20.
Carolina (+4.5) at SEATTLE (40): Seahawks 23, Panthers 17.
Dallas (+5) at INDIANAPOLIS (47.5): This game scares the hell out of us. It's like thinking about Jerry Jones's face first thing in the morning. Colts 24, Cowboys 21.
St. Louis (-3.5) at ARIZONA (44): This game won't be very good, but Derek Anderson's postgame chat might be worth watching. Rams 26, Cardinals 16.
Pittsburgh (+3) at BALTIMORE (39): If somehow Ray Lewis and Ben Roethlisberger could end one another's careers on the same play, this would be the best game ever. Ravens 21, Steelers 17.
NY Jets (+3.5) at NEW ENGLAND (45): Tom Brady -- hair loss? Maybe. Loss to the Jets. No. Patriots 24, Jets 20.
Lock of the Week: Cleveland
Trifecta: Cleveland, Green Bay, Chicago
Welcome to Week 12 of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where it seems the colder the weather gets, the hotter we are.
The Hoser staff had another solid week, knocking out a 10-6 week against the spread and 12-4 straight up. Atlanta carried our Lock of the Week and New Orleans and Jacksonville both covered to pick up another Trifecta hit. That adds up to a $1,240 profit for the week and almost gets us back to even for the season. It's also means we're a scorching 36-18 ATS for the past four weeks.
If we could bottle it, we would.
In the "What The Hell Took You So Long?" department, the Vikings finally fired Brad Childress this week. He lost control of this team (with the help of a certain penis-flashing senior citizen) and deserved the axe, but don't feel too bad for him -- he'll go back to his old job being the understudy for Gerald McRainey in local dinner theaters.
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as trying to pull that other drumstick away from your fat Aunt Rita.
New England (-6.5) at DETROIT (51): Current Cowboys and former Lions receiver Roy Williams defended Matt Millen's track record as a general manager this week. That's like Lady Gaga saying Madonna's an excellent singer. Patriots 31, Lions 17.
New Orleans (-3.5) at DALLAS (51): If Dallas pulls this one out, Jason Garrett should have been working with Helen Keller. Saints 27, Cowboys 21.
Cincinnati (+8.5) at NY JETS (43.5): You'd expect T.O. to
show up big on Turkey Day, wouldn't you? Jets 23, Bengals 17.
Minnesota (+1) at WASHINGTON (43): We're going to watch this game with Green Day's "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" playing over and over in the background. Racists 23, Vikings 21.
Pittsburgh (-6) at BUFFALO (43): Expect the Steeler defense to beat the stuffing out of Ryan Fitzpatrick. Steelers 23, Bills 14.
Tennessee (+6.5) at HOUSTON (45.5): We're pretty sure that was Opie Cunningham running the Tennessee offense in the fourth quarter last week. Texans 24, Titans 19.
Jacksonville (+7.5) at NY GIANTS (44.5): So, which end of the seesaw is Eli on this week? Up, or down? Light meat, or dark (note: we've always preferred the dark)? Giants 24, Jaguars 17.
Carolina (+10) at CLEVELAND (37.5): Are the Panthers this bad? Does your mom always make too much food? Browns 21, Panthers 13.
BALTIMORE (-7.5) at Tampa Bay (41): A half-point too much. Ravens 20, Buccaneers 13.
Philadelphia (-3.5) at CHICAGO (42): Picking the upset here, as we expect the Bears to take a bite out of Michael Vick. Bears 20, Eagles 17.
Green Bay (+2) at ATLANTA (47.5): On a weekend dedicated to overeating, it pains us to go against a team named after the meat industry. Falcons 24, Packers 21.
Miami (NA) at OAKLAND (NA): No line as of now -- we'll update when it goes up.
Kansas City (-1) at SEATTLE (44.5): The Hoser's 100-1 Chiefs Super Bowl ticket is starting to look more and more like a cheque from Bernie Madoff. Seahawks 23, Chiefs 20.
St. Louis (+4) at DENVER (44.5): We don't care of the Rams lose the rest of the way -- Steve Spagnuolo deserves some Coach of the Year votes. Broncos 23, Rams 17.
San Diego (+3) at INDIANAPOLIS (51.5): We've started a holiday charity in Peyton Manning's honour this year. Send your turkeys to "Let's Give The Colts The Bird" c/o The Hoser. Colts 30, Chargers 26.
San Francisco (-1) at ARIZONA (40): Forget the turkey -- if the 49ers drop this, Mike Singletary should get the axe. 49ers 23, Cardinals 19.
Lock of the Week: Chicago
Trifecta: Chicago, Denver, Seattle
2010 Week 11 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 12-4
Against The Spread: 10-6
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $1,240
2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 99-63
Against The Spread: 88-76-8
Lock of the Week: 5-6
Trifecta: 2-9
Money: $-810
2010 Week 11 Money Spent: $15
2010 Week 11 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $140
2010 Season Money Made: $50
2010 Total: $-90
Welcome to Week Ten of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re hotter right now than a turkey in a deep fryer.
The Hoser staff knocked it out of the park for the second week in a row, rolling up an incredible 11-2 record against the spread and a 10-3 mark straight up. That’s terrific, but even with a sparkling 20-6 run ATS during the past two weeks, we’re now sitting at exactly .500 for the season. Ouch.
Of course, it can’t all be peaches and cream, and the Patriots falling asleep against the Browns cost us the Lock of the Week and our Trifecta. Still, we managed to pick up a couple hundred bucks towards the deep hole we’ve dug ourselves – now we’re just a little more than $2,000 in the red. Can a brother get some stimulus package?
Wade Phillips finally got the axe in Dallas, where Jerry Jones’s patience had worn thinner than his lips. Front-runners for the job are Jon Gruden and Bill Cowher, although we fully expect Jones to make an offer to Robert Benigni – he’s already been Pinocchio once.
Tune in next week for our annual haiku edition, or ...
It comes once a year
Your chance to channel your muse
So get your poem on!
... and we’re going to have a contest to boot! Pick the game from Week 11 you’re surest about, then write it up in haiku form along with your prediction of the score and post it either in the comments section of this blog or in The Hoser’s thread on sportsfilter.com. The person coming closest to the actual score of the game they picked will receive a framed piece of their favourite NFL player courtesy of The Hoser and The IceBox Cards & Collectibles in Barrie, ON!
Contest entries must be posted either on SportsFilter or this blog in the comments section by Sunday, Nov. 21 by 12:59 EST to be considered. Entries must be a valid haiku (5/7/5 form) and have a complete prediction to be considered.
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as trying to fit “Nantucket” in your haiku.
Baltimore (+1.5) at ATLANTA (43.5): It’s just a hunch, but we think Joe Flacco will go Whacco this week. Ravens 26, Falcons 20.
Cincinnati (+8) at INDIANAPOLIS (46.5): You get the feeling the Colts could sign three homeless guys outside Lucas Oil Stadium and Peyton Manning would throw each of them a TD pass. Colts 29, Bengals 22.
Houston (+1.5) at JACKSONVILLE (50): Most of the stat geeks have this as a dead heat. They’re almost right. Jaguars 27, Texans 24.
Tennessee (PK) at MIAMI (41.5): Chad Pennington alert! Chad Pennington alert! Be on the lookout for tons of dump offs, screens and ducks. Titans 23, Dolphins 19.
Minnesota (-1) at CHICAGO (40): Take the Vikings – Chicago could still be suffering poutine withdrawal. Vikings 22, Bears 16.
Detroit (+3) at BUFFALO (42.5): Apparently, not a lot of faith out there in Drew Stanton. Bills 22, Lions 17.
New York Jets (-3) at CLEVELAND (37): Peyton Hillis and two draft picks for Brady Quinn? That’s 10-20 years behind bars in some states. Jets 19, Browns 17.
Carolina (+8) at TAMPA BAY (37): Okay, so the Bucs aren’t the best team in the conference – but they’re sure better than the Panthers. Buccaneers 22, Panthers 16.
Kansas City (-1) at DENVER (42): Thinking about the Broncos makes us feel like we just got off the Tilt-A-Whirl. Chiefs 23, Broncos 13.
St. Louis (+6) at SAN FRANCISCO (38): The good news is, pretty soon Mike Singletary will be able to hook up with Wade Phillips for two-for-one specials at Old Country Buffet. 49ers 17, Rams 16.
Seattle (+3) at ARIZONA (41): Shut it down! Cardinals 22, Seahawks 14.
Dallas (+13.5) at NY GIANTS (44.5): We’ll miss the facial expressions Wade Phillips’s made on the sideline, but you’d do it too if your boss’s whole arm was up your ass all week. Giants 31, Cowboys 20.
New England (+4) at PITTSBURGH (43.5): We have no good read on this game, but it seems like a field goal at most – even at Heinz Field. Steelers 23, Patriots 20.
Philadelphia (-3) at WASHINGTON (41.5): The Hoser would be pleased if somehow both these teams could lose. Eagles 24, Racists 17.
Lock of the Week: Jacksonville
Trifecta: Kansas City, Baltimore, Jacksonville
2010 Week Nine Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 10-3
Against The Spread: 11-2
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $280
2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 79-53
Against The Spread: 62-62-8
Lock of the Week: 3-6
Trifecta: 1-8
Money: $-2,190
2010 Week 9 Money Spent: $25
2010 Week 9 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $125
2010 Season Money Made: $50
2010 Total: $-75
The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
Welcome to Week Nine of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where the long night is over – at least for now.
The Hoser staff finally brought home a winner, hammering out a 9-4 record both against the spread and straight up. We also knocked it out of the park on the extras, picking San Francisco as our Lock of the Week and following it up with a Trifecta score of the 49ers, St. Louis and Tampa Bay. That netted a tidy $1,460 gain – which means we’re now a paltry $2,500 or so in the hole for the season.
The week could only have been better had Tennessee been able to score at the end of its loss to the Chargers. We had the Titans +3 and a touchdown would have given us a monster $375 payout on a $5 seven-team parlay. Once again, Norv Turner (and the early loss of Kenny Britt) screws us.
The good news for Randy Moss – he has a job in Tennessee. The bad news – every Friday, Titans’ practice is catered by Stuckey’s.
In Washington, head coach Mike Shanahan benched Donovan McNabb in favour of Rex Grossman at the end of a loss to the Lions, supposedly for lacking the “cardiovascular fitness” to run the two-minute drill. This is McNabb’s own fault for buying a copy of Albert Haynesworth’s workout video, “Bitching and Moaning to the Oldies.”
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as ranking Jerry Rice ahead of Jim Brown as the best NFL player of all time.
Chicago (-2.5) at BUFFALO (41): The game’s in Toronto, but will anyone care after last week’s awesome Argos/Alouettes kickfest? We think not. Bears 23, Bills 20.
San Diego (-2.5) at HOUSTON (51): We’ve reached the point of the season where Norv Turner starts dancing around and singing, “It’s the moooost wonderfulll timmmmmeeee of the yearrrrr,” and saves his job again. Chargers 27, Texans 24.
New Orleans (-6.5) at CAROLINA (41): We found out this week Saints quarterback Drew Brees apparently has President Barack Obama on speed-dial on his cell phone. Doesn’t he have any running backs stored in there? Saints 30, Panthers 13.
Arizona (+9) at MINNESOTA (40.5): It’s pretty sad to think the Vikings have a quarterback with a broken ankle and tendinitis that’s better than both of Phoenix’s QBs combined. Vikings 24, Cardinals 16.
Tampa Bay (+8) at ATLANTA (44.5): Bucs head coach Raheem Morris said this week his team is the best in the NFC. That’s the kind of thing that gets a drug-testing policy pushed along. Falcons 23, Buccaneers 17.
NY Jets (-4) at DETROIT (41.5): Had the government put Calvin Johnson in charge of rebuilding the Big Three, he’d be done by now and we’d all be flying Jetsons cars. Lions 23, Jets 19.
Miami (+5.5) at BALTIMORE (40.5): Do you think Ravens defensive coordinator Greg Mattison has stopped talking about the 34 the Bills hung on them two weeks ago? Neither do we. Ravens 22, Dolphins 17.
New England (-5) at CLEVELAND (44): Ahh, another chance for Bill Belichick to embarrass a former protégé. At least Mangini could outdress him if he wanted. Patriots 31, Browns 20.
NY Giants (-7) at SEATTLE (41.5): Seattle QB Matt Hasselbeck had put on him last week, he might be seeing triple. With the Seahawks’ receiving corps, however, actually having three of each of them wouldn’t help. Giants 27, Seahawks 19.
Kansas City (+2.5) at OAKLAND (40.5): A meaningful game between the Chiefs and the Raiders? Somewhere, primates are becoming airborne from Wayne Campbell’s anus. Raiders 23, Chiefs 20.
Indianapolis (+2.5) at PHILADELPHIA (46.5): This, my friends, is what is known as a trap line. Take all that crap you hear about Andy Reid on a bye week and Indy’s injuries, throw it out the window and repeat to yourself, “Peyton Manning, Peyton Manning …” Colts 27, Eagles 23.
Dallas (+8) at GREEN BAY (45.5): Dallas hasn’t sucked like this since Debbie was in town. Packers 29, Cowboys 19.
Pittsburgh (-4.5) at CINCINNATI (41.5): Boy, having Ocho Cinco AND T.O. has made all the difference, hasn’t it? Steelers 24, Bengals 17.
Lock of the Week: New England
Trifecta: New England, Oakland, Green Bay
2010 Week Eight Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 9-4
Against The Spread: 9-4
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $1,560
2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 69-50
Against The Spread: 51-60-8
Lock of the Week: 3-5
Trifecta: 1-7
Money: $-2,470
2010 Week 8 Money Spent: $20
2010 Week 8 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $100
2010 Season Money Made: $50
2010 Total: $-50
The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
Welcome to Week One of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where it’s been a long offseason – and we don’t have a daughter living anywhere near Ben Roethlisberger.
Who are we expecting to make it to the big dance in Dallas? We hope it’s not the Cowboys – Jerry Jones’s face might explode on the sidelines – but they wouldn’t be a shocker. Still, we like Aaron Rodgers to explode in Green Bay and drive the Packers on the NFC side, while Peyton Manning and his amazing replicating receivers should be back. Book us at – Colts 31, Packers 24.
The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
All of that leads us to this final sentence, a version of which you’ll see every week: remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having the Rev. Terry Jones give your pregame prayer.
Minnesota (+5) at NEW ORLEANS (48): Hey, did you hear? Brett Favre is playing again! Saints 30, Vikings 20.
Carolina (+7) at NY GIANTS (41): The Giants are playing in their new stadium, which makes us wonder – do you think they moved Hoffa’s body, too? Giants 23, Panthers 20.
Miami (-3) at BUFFALO (39): How the hell can Trent Edwards still be the Bills’ quarterback? That’s like re-electing George W. Bush for a second term. Dolphins 20, Bills 19.
Atlanta (-2) at PITTSBURGH (37.5): Congratulations to NFL commissioner Roger Goddell for letting young women across America know sexual misconduct isn’t even worth six games in his league. Falcons 20, Steelers 16.
Detroit (+6.5) at CHICAGO (43): We’ve looked at this about 50 times and damned if we don’t think the Lions are a 50/50 in this one. The Bears are a hot mess, and it’s just the home-field advantage we’re counting on here. Bears 21, Lions 20.
Cincinnati (+4) at NEW ENGLAND (44.5): Wouldn’t it have been great if after the wreck Thursday morning, the photos showed Tom Brady actually drove an old Gremlin? Patriots 23, Bengals 20.
Cleveland (+3) at TAMPA BAY (37): The game’s a dog, but apparently the Rev. Al Sharpton has offered to stand on the sidelines with Jim Brown, a bunch of bananas and an organ grinder. Buccaneers 22, Browns 20.
Denver (+2.5) at JACKSONVILLE (40): If Tim Tebow was still getting hit on with that monk haircut the Denver veterans gave him during camp, we anoint him Rookie of the Year right freaking now. Jaguars 23, Broncos 17.
Indianapolis (-2) at HOUSTON (47): Every year the Texans are the “sleeper” pick for most improved team, and every year they find a way to louse it up. Same as it ever was, Houston. Colts 30, Texans 22.
Oakland (+6) at TENNESSEE (40.5): We started to pick the Raiders, and then the medication kicked in. Titans 23, Raiders 16.
Green Bay (-3) at PHILADELPHIA (47.5): The Eagles minus McNabb, Westbrook and others are a Stone Kolb Lock – to lose this one. Packers 31, Eagles 20.
San Francisco (-3) at SEATTLE (37): Can we suspect the Seahawks are on the right track and still think Pete Carroll is a slimy jerk? 49ers 24, Seahawks 17.
Arizona (-4) at ST. LOUIS (39.5): We’re printing up T-shirts for Cardinals’ fans – “JESUS CAME BACK, KURT – SO SHOULD YOU.” Cardinals 23, Rams 16.
Dallas (-4) at WASHINGTON (40): Should be a good game but, like their owner, Washington will come up a little short. Cowboys 27, Racists 21.
San Diego (-4) at KANSAS CITY (45): Just four points? Does losing an aging LT and a grouchy Vincent Jackson really mean a game against the Chiefs is that tight? Chargers 27, Chiefs 21.
Baltimore (+2.5) at NY JETS (36): Scientists have determined the only thing in the world saltier than the Dead Sea is Rex Ryan’s mouth. Ravens 20, Jets 16.
Lock of the Week: Green Bay
Trifecta: Green Bay, Baltimore, Indianapolis
Over/Under Good Buys: Dallas/Washington OVER
Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Playoff Picks 2009 Week 2, where taking the road dog last week left us in the dog house.
The Hoser hit just one of four games against the spread and was likewise 1-3 straight up. We thought Philly and Cincy would rebound, but they were flatter than Olive Oyl at a wet T-shirt contest. And Arizona, the team we thought couldn’t regroup, did – well, the offense did, at least.
Can we finally put to rest the idea Chad Ochocinco Johnson is a top-tier receiver? Darrell Revis owned him two weeks in a row, and that’s really incredible when you consider how tough it must be to play with Deion Sanders’ slobber all over you.
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Jim Leavitt run your church’s youth group.
Arizona (+7) at NEW ORLEANS [57.5]: Forget about Kurt Warner playing for the glory of Jesus – we’re pretty sure that was Jesus out there Sunday night.
But as amazing as Warner and the Arizona offense was, the utter and absolute collapse of the Cardinal defense in the second half was even more spectacular and leaves us thinking they won’t fare any better with New Orleans.
It’ll be a shootout and close enough for Arizona to cover, but the Cards will take the last bullet. Saints 34, Cardinals 30.
Baltimore (+6) at INDIANAPOLIS [44]: We really, really want to take the Ravens here. Everyone knows The Hoser’s staff brooks no Peyton fans, and Baltimore can run all day long.
Still … 34 yards. That’s the number of passing yards Joe Flacco and the Ravens put up last week against the Patriots. Sure, they didn’t need to pass much, but one-dimensional offenses don’t fare well in the postseason.
We hate to say it, but … Colts 22, Ravens 17.
Dallas (+3) at MINNESOTA [46]: We’ve been looking at the quarterbacks for a few days, and does it make any sense they we think Brett Favre is more likely to have a stinker game than Tony Romo?
The Vikings just haven’t been very good down the stretch, while the Cowboys have everything going for them – Romo’s on fire, the running game is great, all the receivers are catching passes and the defense is solid.
The good news is this bumps the schedule up a week or two to start speculating about whether Favre returns next season or not. Oh boy! Cowboys 27, Vikings 23.
New York Jets (+7) at SAN DIEGO [42]: This is the one game we feel really comfortable with in our gut – and that’s a big gut to ignore.
San Diego has been rock solid since midseason, led by the resurgence of the suddenly viable Ladanian Tomlinson and the steady hand of Philip Rivers. We still wonder about Norv Turner, but this is where the Rex Ryan Love Bus finally blows a tire. Chargers 26, Jets 17.
Lock of the Week: Chargers
2009 Playoffs Week 1 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 1-3
Against The Spread: 1-3
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Money: $-730
2009 Playoffs Season Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 1-3
Against The Spread: 1-3
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Money: $-730
The Hoser’s Playoff format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
Just posting the score for tonight's game -- the rest of The Hoser will follow tomorrow.
Indianapolis (-3) at JACKSONVILLE [43]: Apparently the Jaguar mascot got hung up 100 feet in the air over the field before last week's game. Pretty fitting metaphor for Jacksonville's progress this season, huh? Colts 23, Jaguars 17.
Welcome to Week Five of the 2009 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where Monday night our entire staff went outside and screamed at the heavens, “FAAAAAARRRRVVVVVEEEEE!”
(That joke only works in print if you spell his name phonetically, and even then, it still probably doesn’t work. Far be it from us to pass up a “Wrath of Kahn” gag, though.)
The Hoser lost his bolt on Monday night, as Brett Favre was simply masterful. The Viking win cost us our Lock and the Trifecta, dropped us to 7-7 against the spread and 11-3 straight up. The Packers’ loss of tackle Kyle Clifton was the real killer, though.
This week, there are a few amazingly big spreads to consider. Philly by two touchdowns? The Giants by 16 points? We haven’t seen this many huge lines since we spent that week at Michael Irvin’s Fantasy Football Camp.
The New York Jets acquired wide receiver Braylon Edwards from the Cleveland Browns on Wednesday. Edwards has tons of talent, but we don’t know if The Big Apple is the right environment for him. I mean, if you can get into serious trouble in Cleveland after hours …
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as giving an undeserving guy the Nobel Peace Price.
Minnesota (-10) at ST LOUIS [40.5]: As an encore to last week’s heroics, Brett Favre will switch teams at the half and lead the Rams roaring back – to just a 17-point loss. Vikings 31, Rams 14.
Dallas (-9) at KANSAS CITY [43]: Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo says he’s fine, but there’s a good chance if he loses this game he could fall all the way down to dating Tara Reid. Cowboys 30, Chiefs 20.
Washington (+3.5) at CAROLINA [37.5]: We have this image of Jeff Garcia standing outside the Panthers’ GM’s office with a resume and a six-pack all week, asking, “Can I come in now? Now? How about now?” Panthers 19, Racists 17.
Oakland (+16) at NY GIANTS [39]: This could be a worse beating than Tawny Kitaen laid on Chuck Finley. Giants 31, Raiders 16.
Tampa Bay (+14.5) at PHILADELPHIA [43]: See above, but replace Tawny Kitaen with a cheesesteak. They both look about the same now anyhow. Eagles 27, Buccaneers 13.
Cleveland (+6) at BUFFALO [40.5]: We’re considering patenting a new duck decoy for the Buffalo area – one with Terrell Owens’s head on it. Bills 21, Browns 17.
Cincinnati (+8.5) at BALTIMORE [42]: In keep with last week’s sissification of the sport, three Ravens defensive players have already been ejected for holding a speculative discussion on the theoretical ramifications of touching Carson Palmer. Ravens 26, Bengals 19.
Pittsburgh (-10.5) at DETROIT [44]: You may not have sought our advice on this game, but truth be told? You asked with your eyes, man. You asked with your eyes. Steelers 31, Lions 20.
Atlanta (+2.5) at SAN FRANCISCO [41]: We’ve been pushing the NFL to create a line of football-themed Halloween costumes and decorations. Wouldn’t a light-up face of Mike Singletary staring out the window scare the hell out of any kid? 49ers 23, Falcons 20.
New England (-3) at DENVER [41]: The reunion of two of the league’s most casually dressed coaches. Call it “Boyz In Da Hoodies.” Patriots 26, Broncos 21.
Houston (+5.5) at ARIZONA [49]: Everything’s bigger in Texas – with the exception of the ability of the Texans to stop anything resembling a professional running game. Cardinals 27, Texans 21.
Jacksonville (+1) at SEATTLE [NL]: If the Seahawks were smart, they’d wear those lime-green abominations all season. Those things are the visual equivalent of getting poked in the eye by Moe Howard all day. Jaguars 22, Seahawks 19.
Indianapolis (-3.5) at TENNESSEE [45.5]: The look on the Titans’ head coach as his team dropped to 0-4 on the season? Fisher priceless. Colts 26, Titans 19.
NY Jets (-1.5) at MIAMI [36.5]: We’re afraid facing the Jet defense doesn’t leave Miami Henne chance at all. Jets 22, Dolphins 16.
Lock of the Week: New England
Trifecta: New England, Jacksonville, New York Jets
2009 Week Four Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 11-3
Against The Spread: 7-7
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-670
2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 48-14
Against The Spread: 36-26
Lock of the Week: 1-3
Trifecta: 1-3
Money: $-260
2009 Week Three Money Spent: $15
2009 Week Three Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $70
2009 Season Money Made: $100
2009 Total: $30
The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
Welcome to Week Four of the 2009 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where after last week, we'd have Nostradamus cowering in the corner and mumbling about Hister.
The Hoser pounded it like schnitzel in Week Three to the tune of 12-4 against the spread and 13-3 straight up. We also tabbed Green Bay for the Lock of the Week and added Denver and Indianapolis for the Trifecta, scoring a nifty $1,160 profit.
This puts us in the black for what most likely will be the last time this season, as we’re starting to hit bye weeks. That ups the Lock to $500 per week, and as you all know, our grasp on the Lock is about as solid as Amy Winehouse’s on reality.
We’re altering our bet on which NFL coach will be fired first from San Diego’s Norv Turner to Washington’s Jim Zorn. Turner hasn’t gotten any smarter, but how can Zorn stand there during a loss to the Lions looking as if he’s getting his shoes shined? We hear Mike Shanahan and Jon Gruden are possible replacements, and both of them would have appeared to have been getting a watermelon colonoscopy during that game.
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as driving around with your windows down singing “Don’t Stop Believin’” along with the cast of “Glee” on your iPod – not that The Hoser actually got busted doing that, ahem, but it just wouldn’t be advisable.
Oakland (+9.5) at HOUSTON [41] – You can go ahead and get your Michael Vick Raiders jerseys printed now. Texans 30, Raiders 17.
Tennessee (-2.5) at JACKSONVILLE [41] – Titans quarterback Kerry Collins threw 13 straight incompletions last week. The Hoser would have about the same rate of completed passes at the Playboy Mansion. Titans 24, Jags 20.
Baltimore (+2) at NEW ENGLAND [44.5] – We really, really want to pick the Ravens in this game, but it just feels weird. Going against the Pats seems like saying we think the sun revolves around the Earth. Patriots 26, Ravens 21.
Cincinnati (-5.5) at CLEVELAND [38] – It’s hard to think of this “The Battle of Ohio” when the Browns are the equivalent of the Swiss Navy. Bengals 21, Browns 17.
N.Y. Giants (-9) at KANSAS CITY [42.5] -- The front page for the web site of the Kansas City Chiefs shows head coach Todd Haley standing still with blurred players streaking by him. Unfortunately, it’s going to be like that all season for the Chiefs. Giants 30, Chiefs 16.
Detroit (+11) at CHICAGO [39] – One losing streak ends and another begins. Bears 24, Lions 17.
Tampa Bay (+7) at WASHINGTON [37] – This game’s a dog, but for fun, watch for Washington owner Dan Snyder in his luxury box, and then try to guess how many phone books he’s sitting on to be able to see over the bar. Racists 17, Buccaneers 14.
Seattle (+10.5) at INDIANAPOLIS [44] – Forget steroids. We want the NFL to investigate whether the Colts have a stud wide receiver cloning facility located under Lucas Oil Stadium. Colts 30, Seahawks 16.
New York Jets (+6.5) at NEW ORLEANS [45.5] – Stay far, far away from betting on this game. Pretend it’s a sitcom on NBC. Saints 26, Jets 24.
Buffalo (+2) at MIAMI [36.5] – The Dolphins have lost quarterback Chad Pennington to a season-ending shoulder injury. Couldn’t Pennington be just as effective throwing with his left arm? Bills 20, Dolphins 17.
St. Louis (+10) at SAN FRANCISCO [37.5] – The Rams may have lost Marc Bulger for this week, but we hear Peter North is available. 49ers 23, Rams 16.
Dallas (-4) at DENVER [43.5] – The Hoser sent a staff member to the Cowboys’ web site to find something funny to say this week, but instead we ended up with a keyboard covered in drool and a hard drive full of downloaded photos. Damn you, Cage Dancers! Broncos 23, Cowboys 20.
San Diego (+6.5) at PITTSBURGH [43] – Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger will be hosting WWE Raw on Monday evening. We’ll donate $50 to the favourite charity of the wrestler who walks out wearing a motorcycle helmet. Steelers 24, Chargers 20.
Green Bay (+3.5) at MINNESOTA [46] – We would have been much more amenable to seeing Brett Favre return if we had known the Vikings would be putting Trent Dilfer’s brain in Favre’s head. Packers 27, Vikings 21.
Lock of the Week: Green Bay
Trifecta: Green Bay, Denver, New England
Over/Under Good Buys: Houston/Oakland Over
2009 Week Three Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 13-3
Against The Spread: 12-4
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $1,160
2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 37-11
Against The Spread: 29-19
Lock of the Week: 1-2
Trifecta: 1-2
Money: $410
2009 Week Three Money Spent: $15
2009 Week Three Money Made: $50
2009 Season Money Spent: $55
2009 Season Money Made: $100
2009 Total: $45
The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
Final stats for Week Three:
2009 Week Three Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 13-3
Against The Spread: 12-4
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $1,160
2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 37-11
Against The Spread: 29-19
Lock of the Week: 1-2
Trifecta: 1-2
Money: $410
2009 Week Three Money Spent: $15
2009 Week Three Money Made: $50
2009 Season Money Spent: $55
2009 Season Money Made: $100
2009 Total: $45
Welcome to Week Two of the 2009 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re still cursing the name of the Arizona Cardinals.
As you may or may not have read, we were 15-1 straight up this week. That doesn’t normally mean much, except the Cardinals’ loss kept us from cashing what would have been a fairly sizable Pro*Line Pool ticket. Contrary to popular belief, The Hoser is not a millionaire, and does not own a mansion and a yacht.
Makes you want to say, “Again!” doesn’t it?
We also were 10-6 against the spread, a fine number until you factor in our unwavering faith in the Cardinals, which sank both the Lock of the Week and the Trifecta. Our inability to ferret out that one sure thing – well, no one’s going to mistake us for John Cusack anytime soon.
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as thinking Donovan McNabb might last more than a week without needing his HMO’s number.
Oakland (+3) at KANSAS CITY [39] – Here are two teams that most likely won’t play as well for the remainder of the season as they did in Week One. We think the Raiders suck just a bit less. Raiders 24, Chiefs 17.
Houston (+6.5) at TENNESSEE [40.5] – Remember that song “Tennessee” from the 90s? The name of the band who sang it perfectly describes the Texans – Arrested Development. Titans 24, Texans 13.
New England (-3.5) at NY JETS [46.5] – Jets’ rookie QB Mark Sanchez has been talking quite a bit this week. He should get it out of his system now, before the Patriots ram themselves down his throat for 60 minutes. Patriots 31, Jets 17.
Cincinnati (+9) at GREEN BAY [42] – Bengals QB Carson Palmer said recently he felt someone could eventually die during an NFL game. We know the feeling – we die here every week. Packers 30, Bengals 17.
Minnesota (-9.5) at DETROIT [46.5] – Ah, the more things change, the more they remain the Detroit Lions. Vikings 27, Lions 21.
New Orleans (NL) at PHILADELPHIA [NL] – Saints quarterback Drew Brees put up an astounding six TD passes last week, but the reason? See above. Eagles 27, Saints 26.
Carolina (+6) at ATLANTA [43] – If you add together last year’s playoff game and the season opener, Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme has shown all the ball-handling skills of Ben Stiller in “There’s Something About Mary.” Falcons 24, Panthers 20.
St. Louis (+9.5) at WASHINGTON [36.5] – Tell you what, Washington fans – we’ll refer to your team as the name you prefer when you refer to yourselves as we see you. Racists 27, Rams 19.
Arizona (+3) at JACKSONVILLE [42.5] – Cardinals wide receiver Sean Morey has agreed to donate his brain to science to help understand the effects of concussions. In a related story, Republican nitwit Jim Wilson apparently donated his several weeks ago. Jaguars 23, Cardinals 21.
Seattle (+1.5) at SAN FRANCISCO [39.5] – The Seahawks’ cheerleading squad is nicknamed the Sea Gals. Good thing Baltimore’s the only NFL franchise with male cheerleaders, huh? 49ers 19, Seahawks 16.
Tampa Bay (+5) at BUFFALO [42] – Until the Bills prove they deserve otherwise, all outro music on their broadcasts should be “Loser” by Beck. Bills 21, Buccaneers 20.
Cleveland (+3) at DENVER [37.5] – Troublemaking Broncos wide receiver Brandon Marshall held his first interview this season, saying little of import. Of course, two drops in six targets last week pretty much says it all, doesn’t it? Broncos 26, Browns 20.
Baltimore (+3.5) at SAN DIEGO [40.5] – If Norv Turner isn’t the first coach fired this season, we’ll eat our hat. This guy’s supposed genius is faker than Tila Tequila’s boobs. Ravens 20, Chargers 19.
Pittsburgh (+2.5) at CHICAGO [37.5] – Bears LB Brian Urlacher is out for the season with a wrist injury, but things could have been worse. He could have been riding around with Lance Briggs. Steelers 23, Bears 19.
NY Giants (+2.5) at DALLAS [43.5] – It’s just weird for the Giants to have one guy named Ramses and another named Hedgecock on the same roster. Cowboys 26, Giants 23.
Indianapolis (-3) at MIAMI [42] – You know how cans of tuna are declared “dolphin-free?” In a show of solidarity with its mascot, the team has declared itself “offense-free.” Colts 22, Dolphins 13.
Lock of the Week: New England
Trifecta: New England, Pittsburgh, Baltimore
Over/Under Good Buys: Cleveland/Denver over
Week One Results:
Straight Up: 15-1
Against The Spread: 10-6
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money Banked: $-60
Real Money Spent: $20
Real Money Made: $50
Real Money Banked: $30
The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
Welcome to Week Thirteen of the 2007 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we finally got the kick to the jimmy we'd so been waiting for all season.
The Hoser was an atrocious 4-12 week against the spread and just 10-6 straight up. Had Rams backup QB Gus "KY" Ferotte actually held onto the ball on fourth down against Seattle, however, we had a great chance to come out to the good for the week with the Trifecta. Instead, we'll have to settle for nailing our Oakland Lock down to a one-point differential.
We're also sorry to see Ricky Williams manage just six carries before going out for the season. The good news is he appears ready to rent himself out as a dance floor.
The remainder of the picks will be posted tomorrow morning.
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as the folks at NFL.com right your headlines. One of Thursday's read, "STEELERS PLAYERS WANT TO KEEP GRASS". Are they trading for Ricky?
Green Bay (+7) at DALLAS -- O/U 51.5: The Cowboys have been on a roll, winning five straight. But Dallas's defense isn't all that terrific, having given up more than 20 points to powerhouse offenses like Buffalo and Washington.
We still think Romo and Owens shine big and bright deep in the heart, but Brett keeps it to within a field goal. Cowboys 27, Packers 24.
Final Week 12 results:
ATS: 4-12
SU: 10-6
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
The Money Game: -$560
For the season:
ATS: 86-82-8
SU: 118-58
Lock of the Week: 4-8
Trifecta: 1-11
The Money Game: $-3,420
Welcome to Week One of the 2007 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we tap every available resource to bring you the best in handicapping – just not in the same way Senator Larry Craig might.
It’s been a busy offseason. Byron Leftwich is out in Jacksonville, Priest Holmes is still out in Kansas City, and apparently Michael Vick is going to be in for a while. At least Vick’s friends knew how to roll over.
It’s been hopping in The Hoser’s household, too. We’re expecting our second child, but my wife seems to be dead set against naming the new arrival Dobler Dierdorf Hoser. Oh well … maybe if it’s a boy I’ll have better luck.
The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $100 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
To recap last season, The Hoser was 129-123-6 ATS, 156-99 SU, 7-10 on the Lock and 2-15 for the Trifecta. We managed to lose nearly $3K during the season, but made a little back during the postseason.
Which leads us to this final sentence, a version of which you’ll see every week:
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Wade Wilson pick up your prescription.
New Orleans (+6) at INDIANAPOLIS: According to NFL insiders, neither the Saints or the Colts are particularly nervous about opening the season on national TV. Both teams are petrified, however, that special guest John Cougar Mellencamp might play “This Is Our Country” for the 8 billionth time. Saints 27, Colts 26.
Kansas City (+2.5) at HOUSTON: Masked gunmen broke into the home of Texans cornerback Dunta Robinson over the weekend. Police said the burglars were able to enter easily, as Robinson had hired Houston’s offensive line to guard the house. Texans 21, Chiefs 20.
Denver (-3) at BUFFALO: The Bills ranked a stellar 30th in total offense last season, and how did they react? They let disgruntled RB Willis McGahee walk in favor of rookie Marshawn Lynch and Bears castoff Anthony Thomas. The Hoser likens this to when ABC thought “Three’s Company” would be just fine with Cindy replacing Chrissy. Broncos 29, Bills 13.
Pittsburgh (-4.5) at CLEVELAND: Browns rookie quarterback Brady Quinn may not be the starter, but he’s still getting mobbed by girls – despite his uncanny new resemblance to Full Metal Jacket’s Private Pyle. Steelers 20, Browns 16.
Tennessee (+6.5) at JACKSONVILLE: The Hoser has read new starting Jags QB David Garrard will make everyone forget about Byron Leftwich. We looked at last year’s numbers – seven TDs, five picks and a 79.5 passer rating – and said, “Byron who?” Jaguars 30, Titans 20.
Carolina (PK) at ST. LOUIS: The Panther depth chart lists “M. Moore” as Carolina’s third-string QB. It’s Matt, not Michael, but given that Jake Delhomme and David Carr are ahead of him, we’d say that situation is pretty Sicko. Rams 24, Panthers 21.
Philadelphia (-3) at GREEN BAY: The Hoser doesn’t want to say Brett Favre is getting old … but he totally dug our Jenilee Harrison reference back there. Eagles 22, Packers 17.
Atlanta (+3) at MINNESOTA: The Hoser has said for the past two or three seasons the Falcons needed to replace Michael Vick with a real quarterback. Well, we’re still waiting. Falcons 19, Vikings 17.
Miami (+3) at WASHINGTON: Given the drafting of Lorenzo Booker and the emergence of unheralded RB Jesse Chatman, the Dolphins may be planning a musical revival this season – “The Extremely Sinkable Ronnie Brown”. Redskins 24, Dolphins 13.
New England (-6.5) at NEW YORK JETS: Boston Herald writer John Tomase broke the story this week that Pats’ DL Le Kevin Smith enjoys painting roses in his spare time. Smith is not the first NFL player to show an interest in flowers, as I believe several Vikings players had tulips on their members during a boat ride last season. Patriots 24, Jets 20.
Tampa Bay (+6) at SEATTLE: I was mystified to read this week the Buccaneers had decided to keep four QBs on their roster. I did the math several times, and then realized many people are still counting Chris Simms as a quarterback. Seahawks 23, Buccaneers 16.
Arizona (+3) at SAN FRANCISCO: The Hoser doesn’t expect this to be a very exciting game, but check out www.azcardinals.com and listen to the “Wolfleyisms” – the odd phrasings of Cards’ color man Ron Wolfley. Our fave? “Mike Martz would challenge the First Amendment.” Cardinals 29, 49ers 21.
Chicago (+5.5) at SAN DIEGO: This line increases to two touchdowns if Lance Briggs drives Chicago’s team bus. Chargers 22, Bears 14.
Detroit (+1.5) at OAKLAND: The Raiders will start Josh McCown at quarterback in Week One after a ridiculous amount of secrecy from Oakland head coach Lane Kiffin. Man, if that doesn’t sound like a character from a John Hughes film. Lions 24, Raiders 13.
New York Giants (+5.5) at DALLAS: After Tiki Barber retired this offseason, most fans expected to see a big hole in the New York offense. Now, they also get to see one every time Tiki’s on camera. Cowboys 27, Giants 17.
Baltimore (+1.5) at CINCINNATI: The Bengals are reportedly looking at RB DeDe Dorsey, late of the Indianapolis Colts. Head coach Marvin Lewis, short on bodies in the backfield, is also interested in a.a. milne, B.B. King and CeCe Peniston. Bengals 26, Ravens 19.
Lock of the Week: Washington
Trifecta: Washington, Denver, Detroit
Welcome to Week Eighteen of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where heading into the postseason, we’re flying higher than a hitcher in the back of Nate Newton’s van.
The Hoser hammered it last week, going 10-6 straight up and a smoking 12-4 against the spread. We also nailed our Lock (thank you, Arizona), but missed the Trifecta (Nice effort, Cincy – it was only a chance at the postseason!). As I said earlier, the best thing about this week is it allowed The Hoser to finish over .500 for the season. If we hadn't closed fast in the past four weeks, we would have been replaced by a chimpanzee making his picks by throwing feces at a chart on the wall.
Which, to be honest, is pretty much how the staff at The Hoser does it anyway.
Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as buying a used car from Nick Saban.
Kansas City @ INDIANAPOLIS (-6.5): It doesn’t matter whether the Chiefs backed in, slid in or Electric Boogaloo’d in – what matters is Indy’s absolutely atrocious rushing defense. Seriously, the Colts give it up on the ground like Paris Hilton on a camping trip.
Expect Larry Johnson to go berserk (think 160 yards and 2 TDs), but it still won’t be enough. The Colts haven’t played well down the stretch, but they are 8-0 at home this season, and they also get to face Kansas City’s secondary, which gives it up in the air like Paris Hilton … well, you get the idea. Indianapolis 33, Kansas City 27.
Dallas @ SEATTLE (-3): We freely admit it – we’re rooting for the Seahawks. After an injury-riddled season, Seattle has both Matt Hasslebeck and Shawn Alexander back, but also has huge issues in the secondary (Kelly Herndon and Marcus Trufant are sidelined and Jimmy Williams is a question mark).
It comes down to whether or not Tony Romo can tear himself away from his rotating carousel of lousy blonde singers long enough to find Terrell Owens and Terry Glenn, both of whom should be open most of the day. We’re betting he can and will. Dallas 26, Seattle 20.
New York Jets @ NEW ENGLAND (-9): We’d tab this as an easy cover, but Rodney Harrison appears to be sidelined for the week. Now Chad Pennington, whose idea of a deep ball is a middle screen, can safely work underneath.
It certainly won’t be enough for New York to dump a well-rested Patriots squad, but it should be closer than nine points. By the way, does anyone else think of “Deuce Bigalow” when an announcer says Eric Mangini’s name? New England 26, New York Jets 19.
New York Giants @ PHILADELPHIA (-6.5): The Eagles clearly should win it – they’re at home, they’ve got all the mo’, and Jeff Garcia is looking like a man who deserves to have Playboy Playmates bitchslapping one another for his attentions.
Then why do we get the cold shivers trying to prognosticate this one? Because Tiki Barber ain’t goin’ out like that. The man had simply the finest game of his career to push, pull and drag the Giants into the postseason, and he won’t stop now. Plus, Eli can’t just totally suck all the time, can he? New York Giants 24, Philadelphia 22.
Lock of the Week: New York Giants
Week Seventeen:
12-4 ATS
10-6 SU
1-0 LOTW
0-1 Trifecta
+$1,080
Final Season Stats:
129-123-3 ATS
156-99 SU
7-10 Lock
2-15 Trifecta
-$2,750
An abbreviated Thanksgiving version of The Hoser's picks this week -- the rest will follow on Friday morning.
Enjoy the holiday, and remember, there's always room for one more piece of pie -- especially if it's wafer thin!
Miami @ DETROIT (+2.5): While families across America sit down to enjoy the holiday turkey, Lions' fans know theirs is sitting upstairs in a luxury suite somewhere. Dolphins 22, Lions 20.
Tampa Bay @ DALLAS (-11): How the mighty have fallen. While new Dallas QB Tony Romo downplays rumors of a budding relationship with Jessica Simpson, deposed signal caller Drew Bledsoe is emphatically denying a romantic link between him and Mindy Cohn. Cowboys 27, Bucs 17.
Denver @ KANSAS CITY (PK): Two things you can count on -- the Chiefs playing tough at Arrowhead (7-1 ATS last season) and KC tailgaters having cholesterol levels higher than the averages of most PBA members. Chiefs 23, Broncos 21.
Week 12 Hoser's Dozers
Editor's Note: These only apply to players playing Thursday who might bump someone off your normal roster.
WR -- Eddie Kenison, Kansas City: The Broncos have been just average against the pass this season, and the return of Chiefs QB Trent Green will make Kenison as happy as a dog under the Thanksgiving table.
WR -- Wes Welker, Miami: The Lions have given up 16 passing TDs and picked off only five passes this year. Welker will either beat the stuffing out of or make mincemeat of the Detroit secondary, depending whether you go for thirds or head right to the dessert table.
Welcome to Week Eleven of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where, like a farmer in a cow pasture at night, we’re taking it one step at a time.
The Hoser again struggled through a lousy week, going 6-10 against the spread and a tepid 8-8 straight up. We know some of our readers have suggested a hamster could do better, but hey – that’s pretty insulting to the hamster, don’t you think?
This week’s best NFL fun comes courtesy of Oakland Raiders QB Andrew Walters. He said the team’s offensive game plans, drawn up by offensive coordinator Tom Walsh, have been predictable and lacking in depth. Walters later apologized, and added that Walsh also makes a mean bed and sets up an excellent brunch.
Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Whitney Houston handle your next mortgage.
Oakland @ KANSAS CITY (-9.5): Raiders wide receiver Randy Moss said this week he may be dropping passes because he’s unhappy and depressed. In an effort to raise Moss’s morale, all linemen will now wear clown suits and every Sunday will be “Dime Bag Day” at McAfee Coliseum. Chiefs 31, Raiders 14.
Indianapolis @ DALLAS (+1): Former Cowboys star running back Emmitt Smith was crowned the champion on “Dancing With The Stars” this week. The show’s judges also gave Colts QB Peyton Manning a special award for his outstanding “Funky Chicken” during audibles. Cowboys 26, Colts 24.
Cincinnati @ NEW ORLEANS (-3.5): Bengals offensive stars Chad Johnson, Carson Palmer, T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Rudi Johnson will soon be honored with special U.S. Postal Service posters and gift sets. On a related note, Cincinnati’s defense is already featured on the back of local milk cartons. Saints 31, Bengals 30.
Pittsburgh @ CLEVELAND (+3.5): Steelers RB Willie Parker was tabbed as the AFC Offensive Player of the Week after gashing the Saints for more than 200 yards and two TDs. Willie Parker’s a great football name, but we still think it’d be even better in the adult film industry. Steelers 23, Browns 20.
Tennessee @ PHILADELPHIA (-13): Titans defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth returns this week from his five-game suspension after his foot’s altercation with Dallas’s Andre Gurode’s head. His teammates chipped in and bought Haynesworth a great welcome-back gift – front-row seats for the touring production of “Stomp”. Eagles 27, Titans 16.
Atlanta @ BALTIMORE (-4): Ravens QB Steve McNair isn’t setting the world on fire this season, but he’s facing a Falcon secondary with more holes than the FOX Network’s ethics department. Seriously, a special on how O.J. would have done it, if he did it? I guess “Naked Gun 33 1/3rd” wasn’t the final insult. Ravens 23, Falcons 17.
St. Louis @ CAROLINA (-6.5): Rams stud OL Orlando Pace is gone for the season, leaving Adam Goldberg to handle … gulp … Julius Peppers. That adds up to St. Louis QB Marc Bulger ending up Marc Flatter. Panthers 23, Rams 17.
Buffalo @ HOUSTON (-2.5): Texans guard Fred Weary was Tasered by police after allegedly refusing to follow their instructions during a traffic stop. The Hoser smells a police brutality suit, as the cops should have known they could easily have just walked right around any Houston offensive lineman to apply the cuffs. Texans 24, Bills 20.
New England @ GREEN BAY (+6): After two poor performances from Tom Brady and losing back-to-back games for the first time since 2002, the Patriots signed ancient QB Vinny Testeverde. This is a similar strategy to trying to save your failing wet T-shirt contest by bringing in Angela Lansbury. Patriots 26, Packers 22.
Washington @ TAMPA BAY (-3): Newly crowned Redskins quarterback Jason Campbell has to be concerned about the franchise’s history with young signal callers, especially considering every time he pulls up to FedEx Field, Patrick Ramsey offers to wash his windshield for a buck. Bucs 19, Redskins 17.
Chicago @ NY JETS (+7): Football card collectors had a laugh this week when it was discovered Jets rookie RB Leon Washington appeared to flipping a double bird to the camera. Washington explained later he was simply honoring one of his favorite players – Michael Irvin – by flashing Irvin’s ACT score. Bears 30, Jets 19.
Minnesota @ MIAMI (-3.5): The Dolphins are hot and the Viking ship is sink … errr, taking on … I shouldn’t mention boats at all, should I? Dolphins 22, Vikings 17.
Detroit @ ARIZONA (-2.5): Tragedy was averted at a mall in Detroit this week when a power outage trapped Lions GM Matt Millen for six hours. Eventually, however, emergency personnel were able to convince Millen to just walk down the escalator. Cardinals 24, Lions 20.
Seattle @ SAN FRANCISCO (+6.5): 49ers head coach Mike Nolan, in honor of both his father and other great coaches such as Tom Landry and Vince Lombardi, will wear a suit and tie this weekend after Reebok developed his outfit to meet its licensing deal with the NFL. Reebok denied, however, that it is working with Detroit assistant coach Joe Cullen on a special sideline birthday suit. Seahawks 27, 49ers 21.
San Diego @ DENVER (-2.5): Chargers running back Ladainian Tomlinson has racked up 15 touchdowns in the past five weeks, which means he’s scoring faster than a James Norton look-alike at a “Desperate Housewives” party. Chargers 24, Broncos 17.
New York Giants @ JACKSONVILLE (-3.5): Jags QB David Garrard was strapped with four INTs last week, even though his Venus De Milo-like receivers tipped two of them and dropped seven others. WR Reggie Williams at least caught the attention of a fan, getting in a yelling match on the sidelines and then fighting with Ernest Wilford. Nope, they don’t miss Byron Leftwich at all, do they? Giants 26, Jaguars 23.
Week Eleven Hoser’s Dozers
QB: Steve McNair, Baltimore Ravens – McNair went off like Robin Williams on meth last week, and there’s no reason to think the Falcons’ 30th-ranked pass defense will slow him down much. Maybe you have a bigger-name quarterback on your roster. Sit him and play McNair.
RB: Marion Barber III, Dallas Cowboys – We’ve seen Barber ranked as low as 29th this week among backs, which is ridiculous. The Colts are dead last against the run and Barber has six TDs in his last eight games. This ain’t no close shave for our friendly Barber – he’ll beat the Schick out of Indy’s D.
WR: Rashied Davis, Chicago Bears -- The Jets have the 30th-ranked defense in the league and with Chicago QB Rex Grossman getting his mojo back, someone besides Mushin Muhammad has to catch the ball. Yes, we know Mark Bradley had a great week last week, but go with the speedy Davis to rip through the secondary like The Hoser through a sushi buffet.
D: Kansas City – The Chiefs are right in the middle of the pack when it comes to total defense, but they have two big plusses in Week 11 – they have 17 takeaways on the season, and they play the Raiders. Add in a due Dante Hall and K.C. could have a huge day.
K: Olindo Mare, Miami Dolphins – Mare isn’t exactly Mr. Accuracy this season (14-for-22), but at least he’s getting some chances. He’s also knocked down six treys in the past three weeks, and the Vikings have given up the second-most field goals in the league this season. Give him a shot and you could be singing, “Oh! Mare!”
Lock of the Week: New York Giants
Trifecta: New York Giants, San Diego, Dallas
Week Ten:
6-10 ATS
8-8 SU
0-1 LOTW
0-1 Trifecta
-$960
Overall:
64-78-1 ATS
89-54 SU
2-8 Lock
1-9 Trifecta
-$5,530
