Welcome to Week One of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where like a masochist with a wad of twenties, we’re back for more punishment.

The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Part of our last season crashed and burned, but our records show The Hoser was 113-102-9 ATS, 145-79 SU, 4-9 on the Lock and 1-12 for the Trifecta. We managed to lose nearly $4K during the season, but the postseason helped us out.

All of that leads us to this final sentence, a version of which you’ll see every week:

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Tatum Bell pick up your luggage at the airport.

Washington (+4) at NY GIANTS – O/U 41: With the retirement of Michael Strahan this offseason and the loss of Osi Umenyiora in the preseason, the Giants now have a bigger gap in their D-Line than the one in Strahan’s mouth. Still, New York has enough to turn back these racists. Giants 23, God Just Change Your Name Alreadys 16.

Cincinnati (-1) at BALTIMORE – O/U 39.5: Our understanding is that Ravens’ quarterbacks coach Hue Jackson is about to be fired in favour of Dr. Gregory House. At least Troy Smith gets unlimited ice cream. Bengals 22, Ravens 13.

N.Y. Jets (-3) at MIAMI – O/U 36: All hail the new God, the savior of the franchise, the man you long-suffering fans have been clamoring for … Chad Pennington! Dolphins 26, Jets 24.

NEW ENGLAND (-16.5) at Kansas City – O/U 46: More than two touchdowns in a season opener with a possibly banged-up Tom Brady under centre? Hey, have you looked at the Chiefs’ roster? Patriots 37, Chiefs 17.

Houston (+7) at PITTSBURGH – O/U 43.5: Every year, hope springs anew for fans in the Houston area … and then the Texans are forced to actually start playing. Steelers 26, Houston 20.

Jacksonville (-3) at TENNESSEE – O/U 37.5: Nothing funny here – just say a prayer for Jags OT Richard Collier. Jaguars 29, Titans 13.

Detroit (-3) at ATLANTA – O/U 41: Can we safely stop coming up with Matt Millen jokes and start working on some Michael Vick material? Lions 27, Falcons 17.

Seattle (PK) at BUFFALO – O/U 39: Did the same panel that helped John McCain select his VP choice Sarah Palin also advise the Seahawks on their receiving corps for this season? Bills 20, Seahawks 17.

Tampa Bay (+3.5) at NEW ORLEANS – O/U 42.5: Our thoughts are with everyone down in the Gulf Coast this week – and our middle fingers are up for the Bucs’ front-office staff. Why the hell did it take this long to release Chris Simms? Saints 27, Bucs 19.

St. Louis (+7.5) at PHILADELPHIA – O/U 44.5: Odds on the Eagles covering – very good. Odds on Donovan McNabb actually playing a full season – very bad. Eagles 29, Rams 17.

Dallas (-5) at CLEVELAND – O/U 49: This game will be like an old man wearing Crocs at the mall – there’s just no defense. Cowboys 34, Browns 23.

Carolina (+9) at SAN DIEGO – O/U 42: We went looking for a joke about Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman’s two torn knee ligaments and instead found videos of amputees in bikinis. Explain yourself, Google! Chargers 24, Panthers 22.

Arizona (-2.5) at SAN FRANCISCO – O/U 42: J.T. O’Sullivan? Seriously? Cardinals 31, 49ers 13.

INDIANAPOLIS (-9.5) at Chicago – O/U 44.5: The good news – Peyton Manning will play. The bad news – so will one of the Bears’ quarterbacks. Colts 30, Bears 16.

GREEN BAY (-3) at Minnesota – O/U 38.5: We love new Packer QB Aaron Rodgers, but talk about a tough gig. This is like following Ron Jeremy on set. Vikings 22, Packers 20.

Denver (-3) at OAKLAND – O/U 41.5: Raiders wideout Javon Walker has repeatedly spoken of quitting football during training camp and now has a hamstring pull … and he’s Oakland’s No. 1 receiver! God we love Al Davis! Broncos 26, Raiders 19.

Lock of the Week: Arizona

Trifecta: Arizona, Jacksonville, Detroit

Over/Under Good Buys: Dolphins/Jets Over

Welcome to Week Eighteen of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where heading into the postseason, we’re flying higher than a hitcher in the back of Nate Newton’s van.

The Hoser hammered it last week, going 10-6 straight up and a smoking 12-4 against the spread. We also nailed our Lock (thank you, Arizona), but missed the Trifecta (Nice effort, Cincy – it was only a chance at the postseason!). As I said earlier, the best thing about this week is it allowed The Hoser to finish over .500 for the season. If we hadn't closed fast in the past four weeks, we would have been replaced by a chimpanzee making his picks by throwing feces at a chart on the wall.

Which, to be honest, is pretty much how the staff at The Hoser does it anyway.

Remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as buying a used car from Nick Saban.

Kansas City @ INDIANAPOLIS (-6.5): It doesn’t matter whether the Chiefs backed in, slid in or Electric Boogaloo’d in – what matters is Indy’s absolutely atrocious rushing defense. Seriously, the Colts give it up on the ground like Paris Hilton on a camping trip.

Expect Larry Johnson to go berserk (think 160 yards and 2 TDs), but it still won’t be enough. The Colts haven’t played well down the stretch, but they are 8-0 at home this season, and they also get to face Kansas City’s secondary, which gives it up in the air like Paris Hilton … well, you get the idea. Indianapolis 33, Kansas City 27.

Dallas @ SEATTLE (-3): We freely admit it – we’re rooting for the Seahawks. After an injury-riddled season, Seattle has both Matt Hasslebeck and Shawn Alexander back, but also has huge issues in the secondary (Kelly Herndon and Marcus Trufant are sidelined and Jimmy Williams is a question mark).

It comes down to whether or not Tony Romo can tear himself away from his rotating carousel of lousy blonde singers long enough to find Terrell Owens and Terry Glenn, both of whom should be open most of the day. We’re betting he can and will. Dallas 26, Seattle 20.

New York Jets @ NEW ENGLAND (-9): We’d tab this as an easy cover, but Rodney Harrison appears to be sidelined for the week. Now Chad Pennington, whose idea of a deep ball is a middle screen, can safely work underneath.

It certainly won’t be enough for New York to dump a well-rested Patriots squad, but it should be closer than nine points. By the way, does anyone else think of “Deuce Bigalow” when an announcer says Eric Mangini’s name? New England 26, New York Jets 19.

New York Giants @ PHILADELPHIA (-6.5): The Eagles clearly should win it – they’re at home, they’ve got all the mo’, and Jeff Garcia is looking like a man who deserves to have Playboy Playmates bitchslapping one another for his attentions.

Then why do we get the cold shivers trying to prognosticate this one? Because Tiki Barber ain’t goin’ out like that. The man had simply the finest game of his career to push, pull and drag the Giants into the postseason, and he won’t stop now. Plus, Eli can’t just totally suck all the time, can he? New York Giants 24, Philadelphia 22.

Lock of the Week: New York Giants

Week Seventeen:

12-4 ATS

10-6 SU

1-0 LOTW

0-1 Trifecta

+$1,080

Final Season Stats:

129-123-3 ATS

156-99 SU

7-10 Lock

2-15 Trifecta

-$2,750