Just the game tonight - will have a full column up tomorrow or Saturday.
Minnesota (+7) at PHILADELPHIA (48): The Eagles looked sluggish last week, but you have to think Jalen Hurts will want to post a big night, especially given Philly is already banged up in the backfield. Eagles 29, Vikings 20.
Welcome to Week 1 of the 2023 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where it seems too damned hot to be starting football.
I think back to two-a-days in Illinois in the middle of August, 95 degrees and humid, no wind ... and having to do extra windsprints because I failed the Fat Man Run by six seconds. SIX SECONDS. I wasn't fat, damn it, I was slow!
The format will stay as it has been for the past – each game
is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an
even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500
to keep the number even. We’ll use the lines of the National Score Predictions League each week (available at https://2nspl.com/index.html).
Remember
– these picks are just for fun. Using them to make real bets is as advisable as having Hunter Biden hold for you.
Lock of the Week: Washington
Trifecta: Washington, Atlanta, Jacksonville
2023 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 0-0
Against The Spread: 0-0
Lock of the Week: 0-0
Trifecta: 0-0
Money: $0
2023 Week 1 Money Spent: $0
2023 Week 11 Money Made: $0
2023 Season Money Spent: $0
2023 Season Money Made: $0
2023 Total: $0
Whether you view us as extremely lucky or Nostradamus, The Hoser scored a nice hit in calling the Seahawks over the Saints straight up last week. We hit both the upsets, but the Chiefs failed us and the Jets, well, they did to us what they always do to us. We were 3-1 straight up and 2-2 against the spread, but Green Bay was our Lock of the Week.
Baltimore (+3.5) at PITTSBURGH (37): It's hard for The Hoser not to be influenced by how much he detests Ray Lewis. Not the football player, just the obnoxious, preening jackass he is. Seriously, have you seen the NFL Network's "Sound FX" show on him? He's like an idiot parrot -- "It's a MAN'S GAME, BABY!!!" -- over and over and over again.
Fortunately, we think the Steelers come out on top here again. Ben Roethlisberger seems to find a way to make it work in big games -- too bad we can't say the same for the ladies and motorcycle helmets. However, with the strong defenses and the cold, Baltimore will keep it within a field goal. Steelers 23, Ravens 20.
Green Bay (+2.5) at ATLANTA (43.5): How do you pick against Matt Ryan and the Falcons at home? Well, you do it like this.
The Packers have had a passing game all season (except when Aaron Rodgers was seeing Tweetybirds for a week or two). They've now got James Starks to compliment that aerial assault. Green Bay can run wide open if it wants, something the Falcons just can't do.
Atlanta beat the Packers by just a field goal a few weeks ago, but Rodgers had double the rushing yardage of anyone else on the team and still threw for more than 300 yards. Book Green Bay for the Super Bowl. Packers 24, Falcons 20.
Seattle (+10) at CHICAGO (41): Everyone's been asking us all week -- can the Seahawks do it again? Well, yes, they can. They're hopped up off a huge win, they're getting their running game going, and frankly, the Bears just aren't that good.
But being away from home means the loss of a big advantage for the Seahawks. The wild card here is Jay Cutler, who looks like Dan Marino one week and Foster Brooks the next. We expect Mike Martz to do the right thing and hand the ball to Matt Forte a whole bunch.
It'll be cold, just enough to make it tough to kick long field goal and maybe cause a fumble or two. That'll keep the score within the big spread, but it also means the end of Seattle season. Bears 19, Seahawks 17.
New York Jets (+9) at NEW ENGLAND (44.5): We grudgingly admire Bill Belichick and the Patriots at the same time we hate them. What other franchise does such an amazing job reloading every season? How do they make it work shuffling in defensive replacements and 85 different running backs? C'mon, Danny Woodhead?!?
At the same time, we hate the Jets, but we love Rex Ryan. The big mouth, the foot fetish, the comical gut -- bring it on. He's lovable and entertaining.
But this really boils down to trying to figure out how New York can possibly slow down Tom Brady. Do you really think he and Belichick can be beaten by a team led by Mark Sanchez?
They can't, and they won't be. Patriots 26, Jets 19.
Lock of the Week: Seattle
Yes, we know we've been slacking -- it was the holiday season, give us a break.
New Orleans (-10) at SEATTLE (45): We really wish this was just a half-point higher. All week we've had this weird feeling about the Seahawks -- tough home crowd, coming off an emotional win, finding their running game and perhaps a new leader in Clipboard Jesus. But this will be a closer game than people expect, and damn it, we're taking Seattle. Seahawks 22, Saints 20.
New York Jets (+3) at INDIANAPOLIS (44.5): We're still pissed about the coverage of the whole Rex Ryan foot fetish thing. Christ, people, the guy likes feet and he loves his wife. Given the divorce rate in this country, better than half of you should be so lucky. Colts 24, Jets 17.
Baltimore (-2.5) at KANSAS CITY (40.5): We have $10 on a 100-1 ticket for the Chiefs to win the Super Bowl. That's not going to happen, and they probably won't even get past the Ravens. And here we were going to take all 12 of you regular readers to the Wynn buffet with the winnings. Ravens 20, Chiefs 19.
Green Bay (+2.5) at PHILADELPHIA (46.5): The Packers will blitz the hell out of Michael Vick and despite his ability to run, he won't be able to target receivers. Take the points. Packers 26, Eagles 23.
Lock of the Week: Green Bay
Detroit (+3.5) at MIAMI (41): Lions 22, Dolphins 20.
Minnesota (+14) at PHILADELPHIA (37.5): Eagles 30, Vikings 17.
Washington (+6.5) at JACKSONVILLE (45.5): Jaguars 28, Racists 17.
San Francisco (+2.5) at ST LOUIS (40): Rams 20, 49ers 16.
Seattle (+6) at TAMPA BAY (43.5): Buccaneers 24, Seahawks 17.
New England (-7.5) at BUFFALO (45.5): Patriots 24, Bills 21.
New York Jets (+2.5) at CHICAGO (36): Bears 20, Jets 16.
Baltimore (-3) at CLEVELAND (39.5): Ravens 22, Browns 16.
Tennessee (+4) at KANSAS CITY (42.5): Chiefs 26, Titans 19.
Indianapolis (-2) at OAKLAND (47): Raiders 29, Colts 26.
Houston (-3) at DENVER (49): Texans 23, Broncos 21.
New York Giants (+3) at GREEN BAY (43): Packers 24, Giants 20.
San Diego (-8) at CINCINNATI (43.5): Chargers 26, Bengals 16.
Atlanta (-2) at NEW ORLEANS (49): Falcons 26, Saints 23.
Lock of the Week: Detroit
Trifecta: Detroit, St. Louis, Oakland
Kansas City (+3) at ST LOUIS (42.5): Rams 23, Chiefs 22.
Houston (+1) at TENNESSEE (47.5): Texans 23, Titans 17.
Jacksonville (+4.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (48.5): Colts 24, Jaguars 23.
Arizona (+2.5) at CAROLINA (37.5): Cardinals 17, Panthers 13.
Cleveland (PK) at CINCINNATI (40.5): Browns 19, Bengals 16.
Buffalo (+5) at MIAMI (40.5): Dolphins 21, Bills 17.
Philadelphia (+3) at NY GIANTS (47): Eagles 26, Giants 21.
Washington (+7.5) at DALLAS (44.5): Cowboys 27, Racists 14.
Detroit (+4.5) at TAMPA BAY (43): Buccaneers 23, Lions 20.
New Orleans (+2.5) at BALTIMORE (44): Ravens 19, Saints 16.
Atlanta (-6) at SEATTLE (46): Falcons 23, Seahawks 20.
New York Jets (+4.5) at PITTSBURGH (35.5): Steelers 20, Jets 17.
Denver (+7.5) at OAKLAND (41.5): Raiders 26, Broncos 16.
Green Bay (+14) at NEW ENGLAND (43.5): Patriots 23, Packers 13.
Chicago (-7.5) at MINNESOTA (33): Bears 19, Vikings 13
Lock of the Week: Philadelphia
Trifecta: Philadelphia, Dallas, Oakland
Oakland (+4) at JACKSONVILLE (41.5): Jaguars 26, Raiders 23.
Cincinnati (+9) at PITTSBURGH (39): Steelers 26, Bengals 13.
New England (-3) at CHICAGO (37.5): Patriots 16, Bears 10.
Cleveland (+1) at BUFFALO (39): Browns 20, Bills 14.
Green Bay (-6.5) at DETROIT (46.5): Packers 30, Lions 20.
Atlanta (-7) at CAROLINA (41): Falcons 26, Panthers 17.
Tampa Bay (-1) at WASHINGTON (40.5): Buccaneers 23, Racists 20.
St. Louis (+9.5) at NEW ORLEANS (47): Saints 27, Rams 21.
Seattle (+5) at SAN FRANCISCO (41.5): 49ers 23, Seahawks 20.
Miami (+5.5) at NY JETS (39): Jets 22, Dolphins 21.
Denver (+4.5) at ARIZONA (43.5): Broncos 24, Cardinals 17.
Kansas City (+9) at SAN DIEGO (45.5): Chargers 24, Chiefs 21.
Philadelphia (-3) at DALLAS (51): Eagles 23, Cowboys 21.
Baltimore (-3) at HOUSTON (46): Ravens 24, Texans 20.
NY Giants (NL) at MINNESOTA (NA): Giants 23, Vikings 20.
Lock of the Week: Kansas City
Trifecta: KC, Cleveland, Denver
Buffalo (+5) at MINNESOTA (43.5): Anyone else think the Vikings might win out? Vikings 24, Bills 20.
Cleveland (+5) at MIAMI (43.5): The Dolphins suck at home, and the Browns' running game will make this Peyton's Place. Browns 23, Dolphins 20.
Jacksonville (+3) at TENNESSEE (44): Is this the week Chris Johnson stops playing like Arte Johnson? Nope. Jaguars 22, Titans 16.
Denver (+8) at KANSAS CITY (48.5): The Chiefs just keep teasing us and our 100-1 $10 ticket. This week should be easy, though. Chiefs 31, Broncos 17.
Washington (+7) at NY GIANTS (43): Giants 27, Racists 17.
Chicago (+4.5) at DETROIT (43.5): Is Eric Hipple starting this week? Bears 24, Lions 16.
San Francisco (+8) at GREEN BAY (41): Packers 27, 49ers 14.
New Orleans (-6.5) at CINCINNATI (45): Saints 26, Bengals 17.
Atlanta (-3) at TAMPA BAY (43.5): Falcons 23, Buccaneers 19.
Oakland (+13) at SAN DIEGO (44.5): Chargers 30, Raiders 20.
Carolina (+4.5) at SEATTLE (40): Seahawks 23, Panthers 17.
Dallas (+5) at INDIANAPOLIS (47.5): This game scares the hell out of us. It's like thinking about Jerry Jones's face first thing in the morning. Colts 24, Cowboys 21.
St. Louis (-3.5) at ARIZONA (44): This game won't be very good, but Derek Anderson's postgame chat might be worth watching. Rams 26, Cardinals 16.
Pittsburgh (+3) at BALTIMORE (39): If somehow Ray Lewis and Ben Roethlisberger could end one another's careers on the same play, this would be the best game ever. Ravens 21, Steelers 17.
NY Jets (+3.5) at NEW ENGLAND (45): Tom Brady -- hair loss? Maybe. Loss to the Jets. No. Patriots 24, Jets 20.
Lock of the Week: Cleveland
Trifecta: Cleveland, Green Bay, Chicago
Welcome to Week 12 of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where it seems the colder the weather gets, the hotter we are.
The Hoser staff had another solid week, knocking out a 10-6 week against the spread and 12-4 straight up. Atlanta carried our Lock of the Week and New Orleans and Jacksonville both covered to pick up another Trifecta hit. That adds up to a $1,240 profit for the week and almost gets us back to even for the season. It's also means we're a scorching 36-18 ATS for the past four weeks.
If we could bottle it, we would.
In the "What The Hell Took You So Long?" department, the Vikings finally fired Brad Childress this week. He lost control of this team (with the help of a certain penis-flashing senior citizen) and deserved the axe, but don't feel too bad for him -- he'll go back to his old job being the understudy for Gerald McRainey in local dinner theaters.
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as trying to pull that other drumstick away from your fat Aunt Rita.
New England (-6.5) at DETROIT (51): Current Cowboys and former Lions receiver Roy Williams defended Matt Millen's track record as a general manager this week. That's like Lady Gaga saying Madonna's an excellent singer. Patriots 31, Lions 17.
New Orleans (-3.5) at DALLAS (51): If Dallas pulls this one out, Jason Garrett should have been working with Helen Keller. Saints 27, Cowboys 21.
Cincinnati (+8.5) at NY JETS (43.5): You'd expect T.O. to
show up big on Turkey Day, wouldn't you? Jets 23, Bengals 17.
Minnesota (+1) at WASHINGTON (43): We're going to watch this game with Green Day's "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" playing over and over in the background. Racists 23, Vikings 21.
Pittsburgh (-6) at BUFFALO (43): Expect the Steeler defense to beat the stuffing out of Ryan Fitzpatrick. Steelers 23, Bills 14.
Tennessee (+6.5) at HOUSTON (45.5): We're pretty sure that was Opie Cunningham running the Tennessee offense in the fourth quarter last week. Texans 24, Titans 19.
Jacksonville (+7.5) at NY GIANTS (44.5): So, which end of the seesaw is Eli on this week? Up, or down? Light meat, or dark (note: we've always preferred the dark)? Giants 24, Jaguars 17.
Carolina (+10) at CLEVELAND (37.5): Are the Panthers this bad? Does your mom always make too much food? Browns 21, Panthers 13.
BALTIMORE (-7.5) at Tampa Bay (41): A half-point too much. Ravens 20, Buccaneers 13.
Philadelphia (-3.5) at CHICAGO (42): Picking the upset here, as we expect the Bears to take a bite out of Michael Vick. Bears 20, Eagles 17.
Green Bay (+2) at ATLANTA (47.5): On a weekend dedicated to overeating, it pains us to go against a team named after the meat industry. Falcons 24, Packers 21.
Miami (NA) at OAKLAND (NA): No line as of now -- we'll update when it goes up.
Kansas City (-1) at SEATTLE (44.5): The Hoser's 100-1 Chiefs Super Bowl ticket is starting to look more and more like a cheque from Bernie Madoff. Seahawks 23, Chiefs 20.
St. Louis (+4) at DENVER (44.5): We don't care of the Rams lose the rest of the way -- Steve Spagnuolo deserves some Coach of the Year votes. Broncos 23, Rams 17.
San Diego (+3) at INDIANAPOLIS (51.5): We've started a holiday charity in Peyton Manning's honour this year. Send your turkeys to "Let's Give The Colts The Bird" c/o The Hoser. Colts 30, Chargers 26.
San Francisco (-1) at ARIZONA (40): Forget the turkey -- if the 49ers drop this, Mike Singletary should get the axe. 49ers 23, Cardinals 19.
Lock of the Week: Chicago
Trifecta: Chicago, Denver, Seattle
2010 Week 11 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 12-4
Against The Spread: 10-6
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $1,240
2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 99-63
Against The Spread: 88-76-8
Lock of the Week: 5-6
Trifecta: 2-9
Money: $-810
2010 Week 11 Money Spent: $15
2010 Week 11 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $140
2010 Season Money Made: $50
2010 Total: $-90
Oakland (+7.5) at PITTSBURGH (40.5): Steelers 23, Raiders 17.
Houston (+6.5) at NY JETS (46): Jets 23, Texans 17.
Baltimore (-10.5) at CAROLINA (37): Ravens 20, Panthers 13.
Washington (+7) at TENNESSEE (44): Titans 23, Racists 17.
Detroit (+6.5) at DALLAS (47): Cowboys 30, Lions 16.
Green Bay (-3) at MINNESOTA (44): Packers 26, Vikings 21.
Buffalo (+4.5) at CINCINNATI (41.5): Bengals 24, Bills 19.
Cleveland (+2) at JACKSONVILLE (43): Jaguars 28, Browns 19.
Arizona (+8) at KANSAS CITY (43.5): Chiefs 24, Cardinals 13.
Seattle (+11.5) at NEW ORLEANS (44.5): Saints 31, Seahawks 13
Atlanta (-3) at ST. LOUIS (43): Falcons 24, Rams 16.
Tampa Bay (+3) at SAN FRANCISCO (42.5): 49ers 22, Buccaneers 21.
Indianapolis (+4) at NEW ENGLAND (50): Patriots 26, Colts 24.
NY Giants (+3) at PHILADELPHIA (48): Eagles 24, Giants 23.
Denver (+9.5) at SAN DIEGO (50): Chargers 31, Broncos 24.
Lock of the Week: Atlanta
Trifecta: Atlanta, New Orleans, Jacksonville
2010 Week 10 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 6-8
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $140
2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 87-59
Against The Spread: 68-70-8
Lock of the Week: 4-6
Trifecta: 1-9
Money: $-2,050
2010 Week 10 Money Spent: $0
2010 Week 10 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $125
2010 Season Money Made: $50
2010 Total: $-75
Welcome to Week Ten of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re hotter right now than a turkey in a deep fryer.
The Hoser staff knocked it out of the park for the second week in a row, rolling up an incredible 11-2 record against the spread and a 10-3 mark straight up. That’s terrific, but even with a sparkling 20-6 run ATS during the past two weeks, we’re now sitting at exactly .500 for the season. Ouch.
Of course, it can’t all be peaches and cream, and the Patriots falling asleep against the Browns cost us the Lock of the Week and our Trifecta. Still, we managed to pick up a couple hundred bucks towards the deep hole we’ve dug ourselves – now we’re just a little more than $2,000 in the red. Can a brother get some stimulus package?
Wade Phillips finally got the axe in Dallas, where Jerry Jones’s patience had worn thinner than his lips. Front-runners for the job are Jon Gruden and Bill Cowher, although we fully expect Jones to make an offer to Robert Benigni – he’s already been Pinocchio once.
Tune in next week for our annual haiku edition, or ...
It comes once a year
Your chance to channel your muse
So get your poem on!
... and we’re going to have a contest to boot! Pick the game from Week 11 you’re surest about, then write it up in haiku form along with your prediction of the score and post it either in the comments section of this blog or in The Hoser’s thread on sportsfilter.com. The person coming closest to the actual score of the game they picked will receive a framed piece of their favourite NFL player courtesy of The Hoser and The IceBox Cards & Collectibles in Barrie, ON!
Contest entries must be posted either on SportsFilter or this blog in the comments section by Sunday, Nov. 21 by 12:59 EST to be considered. Entries must be a valid haiku (5/7/5 form) and have a complete prediction to be considered.
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as trying to fit “Nantucket” in your haiku.
Baltimore (+1.5) at ATLANTA (43.5): It’s just a hunch, but we think Joe Flacco will go Whacco this week. Ravens 26, Falcons 20.
Cincinnati (+8) at INDIANAPOLIS (46.5): You get the feeling the Colts could sign three homeless guys outside Lucas Oil Stadium and Peyton Manning would throw each of them a TD pass. Colts 29, Bengals 22.
Houston (+1.5) at JACKSONVILLE (50): Most of the stat geeks have this as a dead heat. They’re almost right. Jaguars 27, Texans 24.
Tennessee (PK) at MIAMI (41.5): Chad Pennington alert! Chad Pennington alert! Be on the lookout for tons of dump offs, screens and ducks. Titans 23, Dolphins 19.
Minnesota (-1) at CHICAGO (40): Take the Vikings – Chicago could still be suffering poutine withdrawal. Vikings 22, Bears 16.
Detroit (+3) at BUFFALO (42.5): Apparently, not a lot of faith out there in Drew Stanton. Bills 22, Lions 17.
New York Jets (-3) at CLEVELAND (37): Peyton Hillis and two draft picks for Brady Quinn? That’s 10-20 years behind bars in some states. Jets 19, Browns 17.
Carolina (+8) at TAMPA BAY (37): Okay, so the Bucs aren’t the best team in the conference – but they’re sure better than the Panthers. Buccaneers 22, Panthers 16.
Kansas City (-1) at DENVER (42): Thinking about the Broncos makes us feel like we just got off the Tilt-A-Whirl. Chiefs 23, Broncos 13.
St. Louis (+6) at SAN FRANCISCO (38): The good news is, pretty soon Mike Singletary will be able to hook up with Wade Phillips for two-for-one specials at Old Country Buffet. 49ers 17, Rams 16.
Seattle (+3) at ARIZONA (41): Shut it down! Cardinals 22, Seahawks 14.
Dallas (+13.5) at NY GIANTS (44.5): We’ll miss the facial expressions Wade Phillips’s made on the sideline, but you’d do it too if your boss’s whole arm was up your ass all week. Giants 31, Cowboys 20.
New England (+4) at PITTSBURGH (43.5): We have no good read on this game, but it seems like a field goal at most – even at Heinz Field. Steelers 23, Patriots 20.
Philadelphia (-3) at WASHINGTON (41.5): The Hoser would be pleased if somehow both these teams could lose. Eagles 24, Racists 17.
Lock of the Week: Jacksonville
Trifecta: Kansas City, Baltimore, Jacksonville
2010 Week Nine Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 10-3
Against The Spread: 11-2
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $280
2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 79-53
Against The Spread: 62-62-8
Lock of the Week: 3-6
Trifecta: 1-8
Money: $-2,190
2010 Week 9 Money Spent: $25
2010 Week 9 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $125
2010 Season Money Made: $50
2010 Total: $-75
The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
Welcome to Week Nine of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where the long night is over – at least for now.
The Hoser staff finally brought home a winner, hammering out a 9-4 record both against the spread and straight up. We also knocked it out of the park on the extras, picking San Francisco as our Lock of the Week and following it up with a Trifecta score of the 49ers, St. Louis and Tampa Bay. That netted a tidy $1,460 gain – which means we’re now a paltry $2,500 or so in the hole for the season.
The week could only have been better had Tennessee been able to score at the end of its loss to the Chargers. We had the Titans +3 and a touchdown would have given us a monster $375 payout on a $5 seven-team parlay. Once again, Norv Turner (and the early loss of Kenny Britt) screws us.
The good news for Randy Moss – he has a job in Tennessee. The bad news – every Friday, Titans’ practice is catered by Stuckey’s.
In Washington, head coach Mike Shanahan benched Donovan McNabb in favour of Rex Grossman at the end of a loss to the Lions, supposedly for lacking the “cardiovascular fitness” to run the two-minute drill. This is McNabb’s own fault for buying a copy of Albert Haynesworth’s workout video, “Bitching and Moaning to the Oldies.”
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as ranking Jerry Rice ahead of Jim Brown as the best NFL player of all time.
Chicago (-2.5) at BUFFALO (41): The game’s in Toronto, but will anyone care after last week’s awesome Argos/Alouettes kickfest? We think not. Bears 23, Bills 20.
San Diego (-2.5) at HOUSTON (51): We’ve reached the point of the season where Norv Turner starts dancing around and singing, “It’s the moooost wonderfulll timmmmmeeee of the yearrrrr,” and saves his job again. Chargers 27, Texans 24.
New Orleans (-6.5) at CAROLINA (41): We found out this week Saints quarterback Drew Brees apparently has President Barack Obama on speed-dial on his cell phone. Doesn’t he have any running backs stored in there? Saints 30, Panthers 13.
Arizona (+9) at MINNESOTA (40.5): It’s pretty sad to think the Vikings have a quarterback with a broken ankle and tendinitis that’s better than both of Phoenix’s QBs combined. Vikings 24, Cardinals 16.
Tampa Bay (+8) at ATLANTA (44.5): Bucs head coach Raheem Morris said this week his team is the best in the NFC. That’s the kind of thing that gets a drug-testing policy pushed along. Falcons 23, Buccaneers 17.
NY Jets (-4) at DETROIT (41.5): Had the government put Calvin Johnson in charge of rebuilding the Big Three, he’d be done by now and we’d all be flying Jetsons cars. Lions 23, Jets 19.
Miami (+5.5) at BALTIMORE (40.5): Do you think Ravens defensive coordinator Greg Mattison has stopped talking about the 34 the Bills hung on them two weeks ago? Neither do we. Ravens 22, Dolphins 17.
New England (-5) at CLEVELAND (44): Ahh, another chance for Bill Belichick to embarrass a former protégé. At least Mangini could outdress him if he wanted. Patriots 31, Browns 20.
NY Giants (-7) at SEATTLE (41.5): Seattle QB Matt Hasselbeck had put on him last week, he might be seeing triple. With the Seahawks’ receiving corps, however, actually having three of each of them wouldn’t help. Giants 27, Seahawks 19.
Kansas City (+2.5) at OAKLAND (40.5): A meaningful game between the Chiefs and the Raiders? Somewhere, primates are becoming airborne from Wayne Campbell’s anus. Raiders 23, Chiefs 20.
Indianapolis (+2.5) at PHILADELPHIA (46.5): This, my friends, is what is known as a trap line. Take all that crap you hear about Andy Reid on a bye week and Indy’s injuries, throw it out the window and repeat to yourself, “Peyton Manning, Peyton Manning …” Colts 27, Eagles 23.
Dallas (+8) at GREEN BAY (45.5): Dallas hasn’t sucked like this since Debbie was in town. Packers 29, Cowboys 19.
Pittsburgh (-4.5) at CINCINNATI (41.5): Boy, having Ocho Cinco AND T.O. has made all the difference, hasn’t it? Steelers 24, Bengals 17.
Lock of the Week: New England
Trifecta: New England, Oakland, Green Bay
2010 Week Eight Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 9-4
Against The Spread: 9-4
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 1-0
Money: $1,560
2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 69-50
Against The Spread: 51-60-8
Lock of the Week: 3-5
Trifecta: 1-7
Money: $-2,470
2010 Week 8 Money Spent: $20
2010 Week 8 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $100
2010 Season Money Made: $50
2010 Total: $-50
The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
Welcome to Week Seven of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re lower than whale poop in the Mariana Trench.
We were a lousy 4-7-3 last week against the spread in what is developing into the roughest year The Hoser has ever had. It’s been tougher finding winners in the NFL than tolerance in a room full of Tea Partiers, but we’ll keep plugging along – that $1 we’re raking in every week in AdSense cash makes it all worthwhile.
Deanna Favre said this week faith is helping to get her through her husband’s recent sexting tribulations. We admire that, Deanna – and we also have the number of a couple of good lawyers you can put on retainer right now.
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Randy Quaid bunk at your place.
Pittsburgh (-3) at MIAMI (40.5): Steeler fans gave Ben Roethlisberger a big ovation in his first game back after his suspension for maybe or maybe not sexually assaulting a woman. Stay classy, Pittsburgh.
Cincinnati (+3.5) at ATLANTA (42): Hopefully, those disgusting sounds you heard this week were Mike Smith chewing some ass down South. Falcons 24, Bengals 20.
Cleveland (+13.5) at NEW ORLEANS (43.5): See above and insert Sean Peyton where applicable. Saints 34, Browns 10.
Jacksonville (+9) at KANSAS CITY (37.5): Daunte Culpepper’s playing in the UFL and Todd Bouman’s starting for the Jags. C’mon – aren’t there phones in Jacksonville? Chiefs 24, Jaguars 10.
Philadelphia (+3) at TENNESSEE (42.5): Eagles QB Kevin Kolb will be playing for his job – which is absolutely ridiculous. Does Michael Vick have nude photos of Andy Reid? Oh, God. We just threw up in my our mouthes a little. Titans 23, Eagles 21.
Washington (+3) at CHICAGO (40): Strictly a home-team pick, as both of these teams are going nowhere at the same pace. Bears 21, Racists 17.
Buffalo (+13) at BALTIMORE (40): Not even worth trying to analyze. Ravens 24, Bills 10.
San Francisco (-3) at CAROLINA (35.5): The Panther offense has all the firepower of Ben Stein on Ritalin. 49ers 23, Panthers 13.
St. Louis (+3) at TAMPA BAY (38): Yeah, Sam Bradford’s been good early. So was Take That. Rams 22, Buccaneers 19.
Arizona (+6) at SEATTLE (40): We believe in the Cards to the Max. Seahawks 22, Cardinals 20.
New England (+2.5) at SAN DIEGO (47): This line requires you to have faith in the ability of Norv Turner to outcoach Bill Belichick. BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Patriots 26, Chargers 20.
Oakland (+8.5) at DENVER (41.5): Daunte Culpepper’s playing in the UFL and Kyle Boller might starting for the Raiders? Oh, nevermind. Broncos 27, Raiders 17.
Minnesota (+2.5) at GREEN BAY (44): Welcome home, Brett – leave your Crocs at the state line. Vikings 21, Packers 17.
New York Giants (+3) at DALLAS (44): A Cowboys’ win? Our Magic 8-Ball says, “YOU’RE A STRAIGHT-UP MORON.” Where did we buy this thing? Cowboys 26, Giants 19.
Lock of the Week: New England
Trifecta: Dallas, New England, New Orleans
2010 Week Six Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 4-7-3
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-930
2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 53-39
Against The Spread: 37-47-8
Lock of the Week: 1-5
Trifecta: 0-6
Money: $-3,990
2010 Week 6 Money Spent: $15
2010 Week 6 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $60
2010 Season Money Made: $0
2010 Total: $-60
The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
Welcome to Week Six of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where after knocking off the Super Bowl champs and then having a bye week to celebrate, we’d give our eyeteeth to be Phoenix quarterback Max Hall.
We were just 7-7 again last week against the spread, which frighteningly enough is an improvement over the early part of the season. We were 8-6 straight up, and Green Bay being forced to dress the ghost of Ron Kramer at tight end blew our Lock and Trifecta.
Fun fact of the week – if you have a massage while drunk or soon after being drunk, there’s an excellent chance it will work the toxins of your system and make you vomit. This can be accomplished more easily by trying to visualize Rex Ryan in a thong.
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as dedicating an entire campaign commercial to saying you’re not a witch.
San Diego (-8) at ST. LOUIS (45): Chargers fans aren’t missing Vincent Jackson much after Malcolm Floyd’s performance last week. He’s the best Floyd since Monster Chiller Horror Theater. Chargers 29, Rams 16
Kansas City (+4) at HOUSTON (44.5): The Chiefs have lost to one good team and beaten three mediocre to bad ones. The Texans are up-and-down like guests at a Catholic wedding. When in doubt, take the dog. Texans 23, Chiefs 20
Baltimore (+3) at NEW ENGLAND (44.5): We think the Ravens might be the best team in the league. This game will prove it. Ravens 22, Patriots 17.
New Orleans (-4) at TAMPA BAY (43): The Saints have all the ground attack of the Swiss Army. Good thing Drew Brees makes it unnecessary to have this week. Saints 27, Buccaneers 17
Atlanta (+2.5) at PHILADELPHIA (42.5): Line of the week – Bill Maher on Michael Vick’s injury: “Since he’s unable to play this week, he should be put down.” Falcons 22, Eagles 20
Detroit (+10) at NY GIANTS (44.5): The Lions rolled up 44 points last week, and the line gives them around 17 this week. We’ll bump that a bit for the road cover. Giants 27, Lions 20
Seattle (+6.5) at CHICAGO (37.5): New Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch says he goes into “Beast Mode” when he’s running the ball. Expect Chicago’s run defense to make that “Least Mode.” Bears 22, Seahawks 14
Miami (+3) at GREEN BAY (43.5): Aaron Rodgers is not a sure thing for this game. Stay far, far away. Packers 24, Dolphins 17.
Cleveland (+13.5) at PITTSBURGH (37.5): Rookie QB Colt McCoy makes his NFL debut on Sunday, and the only thing that should slow the Steelers in tearing him limb from limb is the amount of drool they’ll be dropping while lining up. Steelers 26, Browns 13.
New York Jets (-3) at DENVER (41): Here’s an official Tweet from the Broncos official Twitter account: “Less than 48 hours until to kickoff of another great NFL Sunday!” Thanks for that breaking news, Big Ben. Jets 22, Broncos 17.
Oakland (+6.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (41): The only quarterback you can rule out for Oakland this week is George Blanda. 49ers 24, Raiders 19.
Dallas (+1.5) at MINNESOTA (44.5): If you haven’t seen the practice video of Brett Favre getting hit in the beans at practice, go find it – you’ll laugh yourself right out of your Crocs. Vikings 23, Cowboys 20.
Indianapolis (-3) at WASHINGTON (43.5): Another pick against Washington we know is doomed to failure. Expect Peyton Manning and Dallas Clark to both slip in the shower and miss this week’s game. Colts 24, Racists 17.
Tennessee (-3) at JACKSONVILLE (45): This should be a run-oriented game, so we like the under and the cover. Also, the Titans are about as reliable as Glenn Beck’s “facts.” Jaguars 19, Titans 16.
Lock of the Week: Atlanta
Trifecta: Atlanta, Jacksonville, Baltimore
2010 Week Four Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 7-7
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-670
2010 Week Five Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-6
Against The Spread: 7-7
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-670
2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 45-33
Against The Spread: 32-40-5
Lock of the Week: 1-4
Trifecta: 0-5
Money: $-3,060
2010 Week 4 Money Spent: $20
2010 Week 4 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $45
2010 Season Money Made: $0
2010 Total: $-45
The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
The Hoser and staff are on vacation this week in the U.S., where we've been paying 10% tax on stuff in St. Louis. Hey, you know, for 3% more you could have your health care covered!
We'll catch up on how terrible we are later in the week. Enjoy the Canadian Thanksgiving even if you ain't lucky enough to be Canadian, and remember -- using these pick to wager actual money is advisable as stuff a balloon full of marijuana up your ass to hide the heroin you already put there.
Denver (+7) at BALTIMORE (39.5): We're always hesitant to see a touchdown dog at Baltimore because you never know when the Ravens won't break double-digits themselves. Ravens 19, Broncos 13.
Jacksonsville (+1.5) at BUFFALO (41): Bill Cowher to the Jags' courtesy phone. Jaguars 23, Bills 20.
Kansas City (+7) at INDIANAPOLIS (45): So much for being undefeated. Colts 27, Chiefs 17.
St. Louis (+3) at DETROIT (42.5): This line is a measure of how far the Rams have come this season. Or it's a measure of how far the Lions haven't gone. Lions 21, Rams 20.
Atlanta (-3) at CLEVELAND (41.5): Yeah, the Browns won, but Betty White is still hotter in Cleveland. Falcons 21, Browns 17.
Tampa Bay (+6.5) at CINCINNATI (38): "Welcome to the Chad Ochocinco Sexy Cereal Hotline. Press 1 if you want to talk to one of our hot ladies. Press 2 if you want to chat with a hunky guy. And if you are a member of the Bengals, hang up and get the %&^$# back in the film room after losing to the Browns." Bengals 23, Buccaneers 14.
Chicago (+1.5) at CAROLINA (33): Mike Martz has to play Todd Collins at quarterback this week, which is likely to lead to another Collins -- Tom. Bears 19, Panthers 14.
Green Bay (-2.5) at WASHINGTON (44.5): Forget a rabbit's foot -- Washington has had the whole warren in its pocket so far just to be 2-2. Packers 24, Racists 17.
New York Giants (+3) at HOUSTON (47.5): Eli Manning has made more ill-advised passes than Lawrence Taylor lately. Texans 26, Giants 20.
New Orleans (-7) at ARIZONA (44): Not even Kurt could save these dudes now. Saints 30, Cardinals 17.
San Diego (-6) at OAKLAND (45): Fantasy football owner alert -- start Charger running back Mike Tolbert this week, as the Raider defense gives up ground like a French army. Chargers 28, Raiders 17.
Tennessee (+7) at DALLAS (42): It's supposed to be all in fun, but how many homeless people could the Cowboys have fed with the tab Dez Bryant got stuck with? Hell, how many could they have housed? Cowboys 22, Titans 17.
Philadelphia (+3) at SAN FRANCISCO (38): In a recent poll in Philly, fans said they trusted BP in the Gulf more than Kevin Kolb under center. Still, the 49ers seem about as functional as that IKEA desk we built last year (if any one needs spare screws and dowels, we seem to have a bagful). Eagles 23, 49ers 20.
Minnesota (+4) at NY JETS (39): You know what would be awesome? If every time the Vikings tried to send the overhead view of the defense to Brett Favre on the sidelines, the Jets instead sent copies of the junk pictures he sent to Jen Sterger. Jets 22, Vikings 17.
Lock of the Week: Green Bay
Trifecta: Green Bay, Philadelphia, Houston
Welcome to Week Four of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we know Kansas City defensive end Shawn Smith has the balls to play in this league – we just don’t know if they’re his.
We were a dart-throwing 8-8 against the spread and managed to do exactly the same straight up, which is pretty tough considered we picked two upsets. Of course, Washington blew our Lock, our Trifecta and every goat between St. Louis and the nation’s capital on the way home.
Ben Roethlisberger had been spotted around Heinz Field a week early, but much to his disappointment, the “Steelers Think Pink” drive in October turned out to be a league-wide initiative in support of breast cancer awareness. Better luck next time, Ben.
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as asking any Cowboy except Dez Bryant to pick up the check.
Denver (+6.5) at TENNESSEE (41.5): Broncos fans are wondering if Tim Tebow might be the answer to Denver’s rushing woes, but we’re not sure even Jesus* himself could do much with this offensive line.
*Note: by Jesus we mean, of course, Barry Sanders. Titans 30, Broncos 20.
Baltimore (+1.5) at PITTSBURGH (34.5): The Steelers can’t go 4-0 with two different back-ups, can they? Ravens 19, Steelers 17.
Cincinnati (-3) at CLEVELAND (38): It’s not really a battle. It’s more like The Slapfight Of Ohio. Bengals 22, Browns 17.
Detroit (+14.5) at GREEN BAY (45.5): The Lions have lost 19 games in a row to the Packers in Wisconsin – but we don’t think moving the game to Mars would make much difference. Packers 31, Lions 14.
Carolina (+13.5) at NEW ORLEANS (45): The Saints signed kicker John Carney this week. It’s nice to see someone out there is willing to hire the elderly. Saints 30, Panthers 17.
San Francisco (+6.5) at ATLANTA (42): The Falcons come steaming into this game after dropping New Orleans, while the 49ers, well, their type of steaming is usually associated with tightly coiled piles. Falcons 24, 49ers 17.
Seattle (-1.5) at ST. LOUIS (38): We’d rather watch a PBS telethon – even the ones with the damn doo-wop special playing over and over. Seahawks 23, Rams 20.
New York Jets (-5) at BUFFALO (37): There’s your plan, Bills fans – Ryan Fitzpatrick! Jets 20, Bills 19.
Indianapolis (-8.5) at JACKSONVILLE (46.5): There’s your plan, Jags fans – Trent Freaking Edwards! Colts 26, Jaguars 17.
Houston (-3.5) at OAKLAND (44): Is it possible Janikowski roofied himself last week? Texans 23, Raiders 17.
Arizona (+8) at SAN DIEGO (46): Forget bringing back Warner – the Cardinals are down to trying to get Steve Pisarkiewicz on the phone. Chargers 27, Cardinals 13.
Washington (+6) at PHILADELPHIA (42.5): Donovan McNabb said he expects more cheers than boos in his return to Philadelphia. We had no idea the pot was so good in Washington. Eagles 24, Racists 20.
Chicago (-4) at NEW YORK GIANTS (44.5): We know it must be tough to be the coach of the Giants in New York right now, but don’t you think Tom Coughlin looks like that even on Christmas morning? Bears 23, Giants 21.
New England (-1) at MIAMI (45): Brandon Marshall better be careful. Given the size of Shannon Sharpe’s mouth, we’re pretty sure he could swallow Marshall whole. Patriots 24, Dolphins 20.
Lock of the Week: Tennessee
Trifecta: Tennessee, Atlanta, Houston
2010 Week Three Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-8
Against The Spread: 8-8
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-480
2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 29-19
Against The Spread: 18-26-5
Lock of the Week: 1-2
Trifecta: 0-3
Money: $-1,720
2010 Week 3 Money Spent: $15
2010 Week 3 Money Made: $0
2010 Season Money Spent: $25
2010 Season Money Made: $0
2010 Total: $-25
The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
Welcome to Week Two of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we haven’t been this much in love with a Foster since we first saw “Freaky Friday.”
We were a dreadful 5-8-3 against the spread to open the season, although we did manage to hit the Lock of the Week in Green Bay. Indianapolis cost us the Trifecta, and we were 11-5 straight up. That’s uglier than Tony Siragusa bouncin’ on a diving board in a jock strap, to paraphrase Tim Wilson.
We generally sympathize with NFL players because of their unguaranteed contracts, short careers and the damage they inflict on their bodies. But to then watch Darrelle Revis and Randy Moss bellyache about the millions of dollars they’re making is like hearing a lottery winner gripe because they wouldn’t pay him in all $20s. Both of those guys need to spend a few months working in the stands selling beer and then come back and let us know if they have any more complaints.
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as reporting former NHL coaches dead without calling them first.
Kansas City (-2) at CLEVELAND (38): Matt Cassel vs. Seneca Wallace – who says the NFL isn’t a quarterback-driven league? Chiefs 23, Browns 16.
Buffalo (+13) at GREEN BAY (43): After Packers running back Ryan Grant was lost for the season, fantasy owners grabbed Brandon Jackson faster than Washington snatched Clinton Portis’s cell phone. Packers 33, Bills 17.
Baltimore (-1.5) at CINCINNATI (40): We keep hearing about whether there are enough balls to go around in Cincy and it makes us wish Scott Thompson was still doing Buddy Cole skits. Ravens 20, Bengals 14.
Pittsburgh (+5) at TENNESSEE (37): A crisp $50 bill if The Tennessean runs a story about the popularity of a certain Titan RB with the headline “How Big Will Johnson Get?” Titans 26, Steelers 17.
Philadelphia (-4.5) at DETROIT (41): Michael Vick’s back, and at least one guy’s forgotten all of Vick’s transgressions – Kevin Kolb. Eagles 24, Lions 17.
Chicago (+8.5) at DALLAS (41): Hosting the Super Bowl and already 0-1, which do you think is tighter -- Jerry Jones’s face or anus? Cowboys 27, Bears 20.
Arizona (+6.5) at ATLANTA (43): We predict Cardinal RB Chris Wells will become a star as soon as people stop calling him “Beanie.” That’s just embarrassing. Falcons 21, Cardinals 19.
Tampa Bay (+3.5) at CAROLINA (39): Another prediction – the Panthers don’t win a Super Bowl until they dump their mascot, “Sir Purr.” That’s something your grandmother has on her lap in-between knitting sessions. Panthers 20, Buccaneers 14.
Miami (+5.5) at MINNESOTA (39): The Vikings have been scouring the league looking for wide receivers. Hey, Amhad Rashad’s available! Dolphins 19, Vikings 16.
St. Louis (+4) at OAKLAND (37.5): Watching “Jersey Shore” could be more entertaining – at least Snooki might get punched. Raiders 22, Rams 17.
Seattle (+3.5) at DENVER (40): Laurence Maroney – that’ll get the Broncos over the hump! Seahawks 21, Broncos 17.
Houston (-3) at WASHINGTON (43.5): We’d go watch this game if we didn’t think we’d be too close to that crazy, African-born Muslim socialist running your country. Canadians can trust FOXNews, right? Texans 24, Racists 19.
Jacksonville (+8) at SAN DIEGO (45): Note to Charger QB Philip Rivers – getting pissy and stomping around like a three-year-old when the crowd noise is deafening does not make them shut up. Touchdown passes do. Chargers 27, Jaguars 17.
New England (-2) at NY JETS (38): The issues with females and the Jets have been solved – all locker room reports will now be filed by Helen Thomas. Patriots 23, Jets 16.
New Orleans (-4.5) at SAN FRANCISCO (44): This line is predicated on 49ers coach Mike Singletary being able to scare his team back on track in one week. We fear Mike’s stare, but we’re terrified of Drew Brees’ arm. Saints 27, 49ers 17.
NY Giants (+5.5) at INDIANAPOLIS (48): What we can’t find for this game – the over/under on total time under center making stupid arm movements. Colts 26, Giants 24.
Lock of the Week: Carolina
Trifecta: Carolina, Seattle, Baltimore
2010 Week One Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 11-5
Against The Spread: 5-8-3
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-180
2010 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 11-5
Against The Spread: 5-8-3
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-180
2009 Week 15 Money Spent: $10
2009 Week 15 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $10
2009 Season Money Made: $0
2009 Total: $-10
The format will stay as it has been – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta (6:1 odds) and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
Welcome to Week One of the 2010 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where it’s been a long offseason – and we don’t have a daughter living anywhere near Ben Roethlisberger.
Who are we expecting to make it to the big dance in Dallas? We hope it’s not the Cowboys – Jerry Jones’s face might explode on the sidelines – but they wouldn’t be a shocker. Still, we like Aaron Rodgers to explode in Green Bay and drive the Packers on the NFC side, while Peyton Manning and his amazing replicating receivers should be back. Book us at – Colts 31, Packers 24.
The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
All of that leads us to this final sentence, a version of which you’ll see every week: remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having the Rev. Terry Jones give your pregame prayer.
Minnesota (+5) at NEW ORLEANS (48): Hey, did you hear? Brett Favre is playing again! Saints 30, Vikings 20.
Carolina (+7) at NY GIANTS (41): The Giants are playing in their new stadium, which makes us wonder – do you think they moved Hoffa’s body, too? Giants 23, Panthers 20.
Miami (-3) at BUFFALO (39): How the hell can Trent Edwards still be the Bills’ quarterback? That’s like re-electing George W. Bush for a second term. Dolphins 20, Bills 19.
Atlanta (-2) at PITTSBURGH (37.5): Congratulations to NFL commissioner Roger Goddell for letting young women across America know sexual misconduct isn’t even worth six games in his league. Falcons 20, Steelers 16.
Detroit (+6.5) at CHICAGO (43): We’ve looked at this about 50 times and damned if we don’t think the Lions are a 50/50 in this one. The Bears are a hot mess, and it’s just the home-field advantage we’re counting on here. Bears 21, Lions 20.
Cincinnati (+4) at NEW ENGLAND (44.5): Wouldn’t it have been great if after the wreck Thursday morning, the photos showed Tom Brady actually drove an old Gremlin? Patriots 23, Bengals 20.
Cleveland (+3) at TAMPA BAY (37): The game’s a dog, but apparently the Rev. Al Sharpton has offered to stand on the sidelines with Jim Brown, a bunch of bananas and an organ grinder. Buccaneers 22, Browns 20.
Denver (+2.5) at JACKSONVILLE (40): If Tim Tebow was still getting hit on with that monk haircut the Denver veterans gave him during camp, we anoint him Rookie of the Year right freaking now. Jaguars 23, Broncos 17.
Indianapolis (-2) at HOUSTON (47): Every year the Texans are the “sleeper” pick for most improved team, and every year they find a way to louse it up. Same as it ever was, Houston. Colts 30, Texans 22.
Oakland (+6) at TENNESSEE (40.5): We started to pick the Raiders, and then the medication kicked in. Titans 23, Raiders 16.
Green Bay (-3) at PHILADELPHIA (47.5): The Eagles minus McNabb, Westbrook and others are a Stone Kolb Lock – to lose this one. Packers 31, Eagles 20.
San Francisco (-3) at SEATTLE (37): Can we suspect the Seahawks are on the right track and still think Pete Carroll is a slimy jerk? 49ers 24, Seahawks 17.
Arizona (-4) at ST. LOUIS (39.5): We’re printing up T-shirts for Cardinals’ fans – “JESUS CAME BACK, KURT – SO SHOULD YOU.” Cardinals 23, Rams 16.
Dallas (-4) at WASHINGTON (40): Should be a good game but, like their owner, Washington will come up a little short. Cowboys 27, Racists 21.
San Diego (-4) at KANSAS CITY (45): Just four points? Does losing an aging LT and a grouchy Vincent Jackson really mean a game against the Chiefs is that tight? Chargers 27, Chiefs 21.
Baltimore (+2.5) at NY JETS (36): Scientists have determined the only thing in the world saltier than the Dead Sea is Rex Ryan’s mouth. Ravens 20, Jets 16.
Lock of the Week: Green Bay
Trifecta: Green Bay, Baltimore, Indianapolis
Over/Under Good Buys: Dallas/Washington OVER
Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Playoff Picks 2009 Week 2, where taking the road dog last week left us in the dog house.
The Hoser hit just one of four games against the spread and was likewise 1-3 straight up. We thought Philly and Cincy would rebound, but they were flatter than Olive Oyl at a wet T-shirt contest. And Arizona, the team we thought couldn’t regroup, did – well, the offense did, at least.
Can we finally put to rest the idea Chad Ochocinco Johnson is a top-tier receiver? Darrell Revis owned him two weeks in a row, and that’s really incredible when you consider how tough it must be to play with Deion Sanders’ slobber all over you.
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Jim Leavitt run your church’s youth group.
Arizona (+7) at NEW ORLEANS [57.5]: Forget about Kurt Warner playing for the glory of Jesus – we’re pretty sure that was Jesus out there Sunday night.
But as amazing as Warner and the Arizona offense was, the utter and absolute collapse of the Cardinal defense in the second half was even more spectacular and leaves us thinking they won’t fare any better with New Orleans.
It’ll be a shootout and close enough for Arizona to cover, but the Cards will take the last bullet. Saints 34, Cardinals 30.
Baltimore (+6) at INDIANAPOLIS [44]: We really, really want to take the Ravens here. Everyone knows The Hoser’s staff brooks no Peyton fans, and Baltimore can run all day long.
Still … 34 yards. That’s the number of passing yards Joe Flacco and the Ravens put up last week against the Patriots. Sure, they didn’t need to pass much, but one-dimensional offenses don’t fare well in the postseason.
We hate to say it, but … Colts 22, Ravens 17.
Dallas (+3) at MINNESOTA [46]: We’ve been looking at the quarterbacks for a few days, and does it make any sense they we think Brett Favre is more likely to have a stinker game than Tony Romo?
The Vikings just haven’t been very good down the stretch, while the Cowboys have everything going for them – Romo’s on fire, the running game is great, all the receivers are catching passes and the defense is solid.
The good news is this bumps the schedule up a week or two to start speculating about whether Favre returns next season or not. Oh boy! Cowboys 27, Vikings 23.
New York Jets (+7) at SAN DIEGO [42]: This is the one game we feel really comfortable with in our gut – and that’s a big gut to ignore.
San Diego has been rock solid since midseason, led by the resurgence of the suddenly viable Ladanian Tomlinson and the steady hand of Philip Rivers. We still wonder about Norv Turner, but this is where the Rex Ryan Love Bus finally blows a tire. Chargers 26, Jets 17.
Lock of the Week: Chargers
2009 Playoffs Week 1 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 1-3
Against The Spread: 1-3
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Money: $-730
2009 Playoffs Season Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 1-3
Against The Spread: 1-3
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Money: $-730
The Hoser’s Playoff format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Picks 2009 Week 16, where we got our lump of coal a week early.
After having several good weeks in a row, The Hoser hit the nog hard and stumbled to an awful 4-10-2 mark against the spread and just 8-8 straight up. San Diego’s struggles with the Bengals cost us the Lock of the Week and the Trifecta.
Due to my illness and the Christmas rush here in The Hoser’s workshop, it’ll just be the picks this week with an occasional observation. Those, however, are more than likely just as funny as what we normally do.
Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as getting your wife that lingerie in an "XL" for Christmas.
Seattle (+14) at GREEN BAY [41.5]: Hammered by Tampa last week, here are other Bays which could beat Seattle – Green Bay, The Bay of Fundy, Jason Bay and any random cast of Baywatch. Packers 37, Seahawks 14.
Oakland (+3) at CLEVELAND [38]: The Raiders are about as predictable as Al Davis off his meds (Editor’s note: The Hoser has no knowledge of Mr. Davis actually being on any type of medication. If he isn’t, however, he should be.). Browns 20, Raiders 16.
Kansas City (+13) at CINCINNATI [40]: Bengals 27, Chiefs 17.
Buffalo (+9) at ATLANTA [41]: Falcons 24, Bills 17.
Houston (+3) at MIAMI [45]: Congrats to Ricky Williams for topping 1,000 rushing yards this season. No, there’s not a marijuana joke coming. Dolphins 22, Texans 17.
Carolina (+7.5) at NY GIANTS [42.5]: Anyone else sick of Gilly on SNL yet? Giants 26, Panthers 19.
Tampa Bay (+14) at NEW ORLEANS [49]: Saints 33, Buccaneers 14.
Jacksonville (+8) at NEW ENGLAND [43.5]: Patriots 24, Jaguars 14.
Baltimore (+3) at PITTSBURGH [42]: Steelers 20, Ravens 19.
Denver (+7) at PHILADELPHIA [41.5]: The Eagles awarded Michael Vick the Ed Block Courage Award this week. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Eagles 26, Broncos 20.
St. Louis (+14) at ARIZONA [43.5]: Cardinals 28, Rams 17.
Detroit (+13) at SAN FRANCISCO [41]: Putting Calvin Johnson in Detroit’s offense is like giving Van Gogh one of those Stanley paint sprayers. 49ers 26, Lions 10.
New York Jets (+5.5) at INDIANAPOLIS [40.5]: Will Peyton play past the first quarter? Does it really matter? Colts 27, Jets 14.
Dallas (-7) at WASHINGTON [42]: Do you get the idea Jim Zorn draws up plays on toilet paper while he’s in the can? Cowboys 24, Racists 19.
Minnesota (-7) at CHICAGO [41]: Here’s a tip for Brett Favre: Quarterbacks run the offense on the field, while head coaches run the entire time all the time. Note the difference. Vikings 23, Bears 14.
Lock of the Week: Miami
Trifecta: Miami, Indianapolis, Minnesota
2009 Week 14 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 8-8
Against The Spread: 4-10-2
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Trifecta: 0-1
Money: $-1,200
2009 Season Hoser Picks
Straight Up: 156-67
Against The Spread: 118-104-4
Lock of the Week: 8-7
Trifecta: 3-12
Money: $+1,530
2009 Week 15 Money Spent: $0
2009 Week 15 Money Made: $0
2009 Season Money Spent: $215
2009 Season Money Made: $200
2009 Total: $-15
The Hoser’s format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week with $100 at 6:1 for the Trifecta. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.
