Welcome to Week Two of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where like a major political candidate, we’re right down the middle.

The Hoser kicked off the season with a pretty milquetoast week – 8-8 ATS and 9-7 SU. We did manage to hit the Lock of the Week, which may be the first time we’ve ever actually called an Arizona game correctly. Through the first 16 games, we’re up an astounding $40.

All this noise about Tennessee Titans QB Vince Young supposedly being distraught and suicidal when he says he was eating chicken wings at a friend’s house – it has to be taken seriously, but we think there’s more being made of nothing here than the last two Matrix scripts.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having a Project Runway winner design your alternate uniforms.

Oakland (+3.5) at KANSAS CITY – O/U 36: The amazing thing about this line is someone is expected to score. Raiders 19, Chiefs 17.

Cincinnati (-1) at TENNESSEE – O/U 37.5: You know your team really sucks when you’re barely favoured against Kerry Collins. Titans 22, Bengals 20.

Indianapolis (-2) at MINNESOTA – O/U 43.5: To paraphrase Mark Twain, rumours of Tarvaris Jackson’s quarterbacking growth have been greatly overexaggerated. Colts 26, Vikings 17.

New Orleans (PK) at WASHINGTON – O/U 42.5: New head coach Jim Zorn may not know how to run a two-minute drill, but he can sure do impressions. It was uncanny how much his expression looked like Stephen Rea’s in The Crying Game when Jude opened the kimono. Saints 27, Yes Your Name Is Offensive 13.

Green Bay (-3) at DETROIT – O/U 45.5: With Aaron Rodgers’s solid debut, the Packers look to already be in midseason form. Of course, so do the Lions. Packers 33, Lions 16.

Chicago (+3) at CAROLINA - O/U 37: Is it fair to say Matt Forte in one game last week did more as a Bears running back than all other Bears RB draft picks combined in the last 10 years? Panthers 26, Bears 14.

N.Y. Giants (-8) at ST. LOUIS – O/U 42: Can the Rams be penalized 15 yards every play for impersonating a professional football team? Giants 33, Rams 10.

San Francisco (+7) at SEATTLE – O/U 38: If that infraction did exist, there’d be offsetting penalties on every down in this game. Seahawks 22, 49ers 17.

Buffalo (+5.5) at JACKSONVILLE – O/U 37: We don’t think there’ll be any better sight in the NFL this season than Kevin Everett walking out onto the turf at Ralph Wilson Stadium. Bills 21, Jags 20.

Atlanta (+7.5) at TAMPA BAY – O/U 38: The Bucs favoured by more than a touchdown? Man, even Bob Griese couldn’t make Tampa Bay that good. Falcons 24, Buccaneers 19.

Miami (+6.5) at ARIZONA – O/U 39: A check with Biblical scholars tells us Arizona opening the season 2-0 is the fifth Sign of the Apocalypse. The fourth was that “Caveman” TV show. Cardinals 30, Dolphins 17.

New England (+2.5) at N.Y. JETS – O/U 37.5: What kind of odds during the offseason would you have gotten on the starting QBs in this game being Brett Favre and Matt Cassel? And then saying Cassel would win? Patriots 23, Jets 21.

San Diego (-1) at DENVER – O/U 45.5: It’s amazing how awe-inspiring a team can look when it opens its season against the Raiders, isn’t it? Chargers 29, Broncos 23.

Pittsburgh (-6) at CLEVELAND – O/U 44.5: “Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo Crennel?” Try the breadline in about three weeks. Steelers 29, Browns 20.

Baltimore (+4) at HOUSTON – O/U 37.5: Unless Hurricane Ike blew in a new offensive scheme, take the underdog. Ravens 20, Texans 17.

Philadelphia (+7) at DALLAS – O/U 47: Easily the Game of the Week. Andy Reid seems to have the Cowboys’ number – too bad we don’t have Jessica Simpson’s. Cowboys 29, Eagles 27.

Lock of the Week: Atlanta
Trifecta: N.Y. Giants, Atlanta, Green Bay
Over/Under Good Buys: Dallas/Philly Over

Week One Results:
Straight Up: 9-7
Against The Spread: 8-8
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money Banked: $+40

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Welcome to Week One of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where like a masochist with a wad of twenties, we’re back for more punishment.

The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Part of our last season crashed and burned, but our records show The Hoser was 113-102-9 ATS, 145-79 SU, 4-9 on the Lock and 1-12 for the Trifecta. We managed to lose nearly $4K during the season, but the postseason helped us out.

All of that leads us to this final sentence, a version of which you’ll see every week:

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Tatum Bell pick up your luggage at the airport.

Washington (+4) at NY GIANTS – O/U 41: With the retirement of Michael Strahan this offseason and the loss of Osi Umenyiora in the preseason, the Giants now have a bigger gap in their D-Line than the one in Strahan’s mouth. Still, New York has enough to turn back these racists. Giants 23, God Just Change Your Name Alreadys 16.

Cincinnati (-1) at BALTIMORE – O/U 39.5: Our understanding is that Ravens’ quarterbacks coach Hue Jackson is about to be fired in favour of Dr. Gregory House. At least Troy Smith gets unlimited ice cream. Bengals 22, Ravens 13.

N.Y. Jets (-3) at MIAMI – O/U 36: All hail the new God, the savior of the franchise, the man you long-suffering fans have been clamoring for … Chad Pennington! Dolphins 26, Jets 24.

NEW ENGLAND (-16.5) at Kansas City – O/U 46: More than two touchdowns in a season opener with a possibly banged-up Tom Brady under centre? Hey, have you looked at the Chiefs’ roster? Patriots 37, Chiefs 17.

Houston (+7) at PITTSBURGH – O/U 43.5: Every year, hope springs anew for fans in the Houston area … and then the Texans are forced to actually start playing. Steelers 26, Houston 20.

Jacksonville (-3) at TENNESSEE – O/U 37.5: Nothing funny here – just say a prayer for Jags OT Richard Collier. Jaguars 29, Titans 13.

Detroit (-3) at ATLANTA – O/U 41: Can we safely stop coming up with Matt Millen jokes and start working on some Michael Vick material? Lions 27, Falcons 17.

Seattle (PK) at BUFFALO – O/U 39: Did the same panel that helped John McCain select his VP choice Sarah Palin also advise the Seahawks on their receiving corps for this season? Bills 20, Seahawks 17.

Tampa Bay (+3.5) at NEW ORLEANS – O/U 42.5: Our thoughts are with everyone down in the Gulf Coast this week – and our middle fingers are up for the Bucs’ front-office staff. Why the hell did it take this long to release Chris Simms? Saints 27, Bucs 19.

St. Louis (+7.5) at PHILADELPHIA – O/U 44.5: Odds on the Eagles covering – very good. Odds on Donovan McNabb actually playing a full season – very bad. Eagles 29, Rams 17.

Dallas (-5) at CLEVELAND – O/U 49: This game will be like an old man wearing Crocs at the mall – there’s just no defense. Cowboys 34, Browns 23.

Carolina (+9) at SAN DIEGO – O/U 42: We went looking for a joke about Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman’s two torn knee ligaments and instead found videos of amputees in bikinis. Explain yourself, Google! Chargers 24, Panthers 22.

Arizona (-2.5) at SAN FRANCISCO – O/U 42: J.T. O’Sullivan? Seriously? Cardinals 31, 49ers 13.

INDIANAPOLIS (-9.5) at Chicago – O/U 44.5: The good news – Peyton Manning will play. The bad news – so will one of the Bears’ quarterbacks. Colts 30, Bears 16.

GREEN BAY (-3) at Minnesota – O/U 38.5: We love new Packer QB Aaron Rodgers, but talk about a tough gig. This is like following Ron Jeremy on set. Vikings 22, Packers 20.

Denver (-3) at OAKLAND – O/U 41.5: Raiders wideout Javon Walker has repeatedly spoken of quitting football during training camp and now has a hamstring pull … and he’s Oakland’s No. 1 receiver! God we love Al Davis! Broncos 26, Raiders 19.

Lock of the Week: Arizona

Trifecta: Arizona, Jacksonville, Detroit

Over/Under Good Buys: Dolphins/Jets Over

After going 3-1 both straight up and against the spread, plus nailing our Lock of the Week, The Hoser is feeling pretty cocky -- but not cocky enough to take what looks like to him to be all four road teams covering the spread in the Divisional Playoffs week.

That couldn't happen, could it?

Seattle (+7.5) at GREEN BAY -- O/U 43: The half-point frightens us. So does the strength of the Seahawks' finish. Packers 23, Seahawks 19.

Jacksonville (+13.5) at NEW ENGLAND -- O/U 50: After going on the road to stop the Steelers week, this is the love the Jags get? A strong running attack and a little New England rust will keep this less than two TDs. Patriots 27, Jaguars 20.

San Diego (+9) at INDIANAPOLIS -- O/U 45.5: Even with Antonio Gates on the sideline, the Chargers will find a way to make this a tight game. Hell, they might even win it. Too bad the Chargers aren't in the NFC, or they'd be headed for the Super Bowl. Colts 26, Chargers 21.

NY Giants (+7.5) at DALLAS -- O/U 46.5: Plaxico's questionable, Madison is doubtful and Dockery is out. That's just too many injuries for the Giants to take the next step. Cowboys 30, Giants 20.

Lock of the Week: Jacksonville

Washington (+3) at SEATTLE O/U 40: Clinton Portis was talking in the Redskin locker room this week about wide receiver Santana Moss being faster after getting circumsized recently. We don't know about that, but we're pretty sure it'll be Washington getting clipped this week. Seahawks 24, Redskins 17.

Jacksonville (-3) at PITTSBURGH O/U 40: Yes, we know it's in Steeler country. We also know no Willie Parker and a banged-up Big Ben means the end of Pittsburgh's season. Jaguars 23, Steelers 19.

New York Giants (+3) at TAMPA BAY O/U 39.5: We're not completely sold on the Buccaneers, but we're completely divested of any thought of Eli Manning leading his team anywhere except the golf course. Buccaneers 22, Giants 20.

Tennessee (+10) at SAN DIEGO O/U 39.5: Questionable Vince Young, no Bo Scaife. Even Norv Turner can't cock this one up. Chargers 30, Titans 17.

Lock of the Week: Seattle

Just the picks again! We were 1-1 in the two early games.

Cleveland (-2½) at CINCINNATI: Cleveland 34, Cincy 30.
Green Bay (-8) at CHICAGO: Packers 24, Bears 17.
Houston (+7) at INDIANAPOLIS: Colts 29, Texans 20.
Kansas City (+5) at DETROIT: Lions 30, Chiefs 17.
Miami (+22.5) at NEW ENGLAND: Patriots 30, Dolphins 13.
N.Y Giants (-2) at BUFFALO: Giants 19, Bills 16.
Oakland (+13) at JACKSONVILLE: Jaguars 31, Raiders 20.
Philly (+3) at NEW ORLEANS: Saints 27, Eagles 20.
Washington (+6.5) at MINNESOTA: Vikings 27, Redskins 21.
Atlanta (+10) at ARIZONA: Cards 34, Falcons 13.
Baltimore (+10.5) at SEATTLE: Seahawks 23, Ravens 16.
NY Jets (+9) at TENNESSEE: Titans 24, Jets 23.
Tampa Bay (-6) at SAN FRANCISCO: Bucs 28, 49ers 23.
Denver (+8) at SAN DIEGO: Chargers 37, Broncos 16.

Sorry, just the picks this week!

Denver (-1) @ HOUSTON: Broncos 23, Texans 20.
Cincinnati (-8) at SAN FRANCISCO (42): Bengals 23, 49ers 17.
Arizona (+3.5) @ NEW ORLEANS (47.5): Cardinals 26, Saints 19.
Atlanta (+12) @ TAMPA BAY (39): Bucs 27, Falcons 16.
Baltimore (-3) @ MIAMI (37): Ravens 20, Dolphins 10.
Buffalo (+5.5) @ CLEVELAND (41): Browns 23, Bills 20.
Green Bay (-7.5) @ ST LOUIS (44.5): Packers 30, Rams 20.
Jacksonville (+3.5) @ PITTSBURGH (37): Steelers 20, Jags 19.
N.Y. Jets (+22) @ NEW ENGLAND (43): Patriots 40, Jets 14.
Seattle (-7) @ CAROLINA (37): Seahawks 34, Panthers 13.
Tennessee (-4) @ KANSAS CITY (33.5): Titans 29, Chiefs 10.
Indianapolis (-10.5) @ OAKLAND (45): Colts 23, Raiders 19.
Detroit (+9) @ SAN DIEGO (46): Chargers 26, Lions 19.
Philadelphia (-9.5) @ DALLAS (49): Cowboys 30, Eagles 17.
Washington (+4) @ N.Y GIANTS (37): Giants 24, Redskins 17.
Chicago (+9.5) @ MINNESOTA (43.5): Vikings 23, Bears 14.

Lock of the Week: Tennessee

Trifecta: Tennessee, Oakland, Seattle

Welcome to Week 11 of the 2007 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we faltered for a second straight week.

The Hoser struggled to a 6-7-1 week against the spread and 8-6 straight up. In our defense, we were told San Francisco would actually be fielding an NFL team in Seattle.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as calling Barry Bonds as a character witness.

JACKSONVILLE (-3) vs. San Diego 40½: Strictly an anti-Norv pick. Jaguars 24, Chargers 17

INDIANAPOLIS (-14½) vs. Kansas City 42½: No Freeney, no Harrison, no Ugoh ... no cover. Colts 27, Chiefs 14

MINNESOTA (-5½) vs. Oakland 35½: If you wait long enough, someone actually will score in this game. Raiders 16, Vikings 10.

Cleveland (-3) at BALTIMORE 44: The youthful Browns aren't ready for this yet. Oh, and take the under here big. Ravens 19, Browns 17.

Pittsburgh (-9) at N.Y JETS 40: We hate the Jets, but we don't hate Kellen Clemens. Steelers 23, Jets 17.

Tampa Bay (-3) at ATLANTA 35½: Our gut tells us to go with the Falcons, but then our gut told us to go for three Taco Bell gorditas last night. Good thing the wifi reaches into the can. Buccaneers 23, Falcons 19.

CINCINNATI (-3) vs. Arizona 48½: The Cardinals are inconsistent, but the Bengals flat-out suck. Cards 31, Bengals 20.

PHILADELPHIA (-10) vs. Miami 41: The John Beck era starts today ... with a big loss. Eagles 34, Dolphins 17.

New England (-15) at BUFFALO 47: We've been riding the Pats all year long, but the Bills keep this to within a couple scores. Patriots 30, Bills 20.

DALLAS (-11) vs. Washington 46½: The spread seems too big. It isn't. Cowboys 35, Redskins 16.

New Orleans (PK) at HOUSTON 47½: The Texans get Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson back this week. Yay. Texans 27, Saints 24.

GREEN BAY (-10) vs. Carolina 38: Enjoy the ride while you can, Packer backers. It ends in Dallas in a couple weeks. Packers 27, Panthers 13.

N.Y Giants (-2½) at DETROIT 49: The Lions are 4-0 at home, and isn't it about time for a Tom Coughlin choke job? Lions 29, Giants 23.

St. Louis (-3) at SAN FRANCISCO 39½: Only the 49ers could be dogs at home in this case. Rams 28, 49ers 17.

SEATTLE (-5) vs. Chicago 37½: Hey, Rex Grossman's back! Seahawks 20, Bears 13.

DENVER (-2½) vs. Tennessee 38½: Travis Henry's banged up, but there's good news -- he's gained the naming rights to the former Holiday Bowl. This year, Air Force and BYU will meet in the Zig-Zag Smoke-A-Bowl. Broncos 21, Titans 20.

Lock of the Week: Oakland

Trifecta: Oakland, Detroit, Baltimore

O/U Good Buys: Cleveland/Baltimore under, Minnesota/Oakland under

Week 10 results:

ATS: 6-7-1

SU: 8-6

Lock of the Week: 0-1

Trifecta: 0-1

The Money Game: -$760

For the season:

ATS: 74-63-6

SU: 96-48

Lock of the Week: 3-7

Trifecta: 1-9

The Money Game: $-2,300

Welcome to Week Four of the 2007 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’re still trying to figure out how Oklahoma State University head coach Mike Gundy thinks screaming maniacally at a female reporter during a press conference makes him look like a stand-up guy. The Hoser’d rather have Jason Voorhees overseeing our kids.

The Hoser had a lousy week, going 7-7-2 against the spread and 11-5 straight up. Our Trifecta was a mess, and Washington was an uninspired choice for a Lock of the Week. For a look at some good picks, check out AP writer Dave Goldberg, who went a stellar 12-3-1 ATS last week.

Michael Vick tested positive for marijuana use this week, which may mean a stiffer sentence. It seems like a bad decision, but it can’t totally be blamed on Vick – the state set him up with a counsellor from the Tommy Chong Clinic.

This week, we up the Lock of the Week money to $500 to keep the betting at $2,000 per week. Our bookie said he doesn’t mind – it all ends up in his pocket eventually anyway, and thanked us for his new wine cellar.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Vince Wilfork crawling around your house.

Oakland (+4) at MIAMI: This is the NFL’s version of “Nobody’s Watching”. Dolphins 23, Raiders 21.

Houston (-3) at ATLANTA: It’s good to see things running smoothly in Falcon country. Vick dogs it, DeAngelo Hall flips out – and Atlanta brings back Morten Andersen for the second year. That’ll fix it! Texans 22, Falcons 16.

Baltimore (-4½) at CLEVELAND: With the Browns’ total lack of understanding on how to handle young quarterbacks, The Hoser bets we’ll see Brady Quinn in the worst situation possible this week – against the Ravens’ defense. Ravens 24, Browns 14.

Chicago (-3) at DETROIT: Newly named Bears QB Brian Griese gets it easy his first week, given that the Lions defense handles itself with the aplomb of John Pinette in a Pepperidge Farms outlet. Bears 31, Lions 20.

Green Bay (-2) at MINNESOTA: Packers QB Brett Favre should break the record for most career passing TDs this week. He already owns the record for “Most Incredibly Stupid Passes Forced Into Triple Coverage”. Packers 23, Vikings 20.

St. Louis (+12.5) at DALLAS: Without Steven Jackson and Orlando Pace, the Rams are deader than George Hamilton. Wait, what? But he looks so dead on those Ritz commercials! Cowboys 33, Rams 10.

New York Jets (-4) at BUFFALO: The Bills would be underdogs to the New York Islanders this week. Jets 26, Bills 14.

Tampa Bay (+3) at CAROLINA: Delhomme will play, and then he won’t play. The Hoser is betting he won’t – although it probably wouldn’t make any difference. Buccaneers 21, Panthers 16.

Seattle (-2) at SAN FRANCISCO: Ah, 49ers fans, we hope you enjoyed those two weeks of false hope. At least you can laugh at the Rams this season. Seahawks 26, 49ers 23.

Pittsburgh (-6) at ARIZONA: The Hoser staff thought it smelled a great marketing opportunity after last week’s surprise performance, but Cards QB Kurt Warner shot down our planned “Second Coming” t-shirt line. Steelers 30, Cardinals 21.

Kansas City (+11.5) at SAN DIEGO: We would not want to be Larry Johnson this week. Actually, with LJ playing for the Chiefs, we wouldn’t want to be him any week. Chargers 31, Chiefs 16.

Denver (+9.5) at INDIANAPOLIS: Quick, what’s greater – the number of points given up by the Broncos in Indy their last two trips, or your best guess as to what President Bush would score on an I.Q. test? Hint: Denver’s rolled over for 90. Colts 37, Broncos 21.

Philadelphia (-3) at NEW YORK GIANTS: The Hoser staff had to wait until Thursday to start writing this week – it took that long for our eyes to readjust after seeing those monstrosities Philly wore last week. They appeared to be patterned after the taffy-and-cotton-candy upchuck outside a Tilt-A-Whirl. Eagles 28, Giants 23.

New England (-7) at CINCINNATI: A simple equation – Patriot offense + Bengal defense = Marvin Lewis doing that stupid Pepto-Bismol dance. Patriots 37, Bengals 24.

Lock of the Week: New York Jets

Trifecta: New York Jets, Baltimore, Chicago

Final count for Week Three:

SU: 11-5

ATS: 7-7-2

Lock of the Week: 0-1

Trifecta: 0-1

The Money Game: $-560

For the season:

SU: 32-16

ATS: 22-23-3

Lock of the Week: 1-3

Trifecta: 0-3

The Money Game: $-760

Welcome to Week Two of the 2007 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we’d like a head count of the number of people in the Eastern and Central Time Zones who stayed up for the end of the San Francisco-Arizona tilt Tuesday morning. Was it more than normally watch Chuck Norris flog that crappy Total Gym thing?

The Hoser didn’t see the end of that game, but that’s okay – Bill Belichick taped it for me.

Speaking of unwatchable crap, Keith Olbermann is doing guest spots for NBC, including a weekly piece entitled “The Worst Person In The NFL.” For his opener, Keith chose himself, which was good – we’ve heard less contrived banter at a George Bush presser. C’mon, Keith, loosen up and call Tiki out for being a dong!

The Hoser had a pretty lousy week, going 6-9-1 against the spread and 10-6 straight up. The Lock of the Week was a push, and of course we blew the Trifecta. In the words of David Byrne, “Same as it ever was.”

On a serious note, our thoughts go to Buffalo Bills tight end Kevin Everett. Thanks to the terrific work by the sideline staff in Buffalo, Kevin at least has a chance to walk out of the hospital. The folks at The Miami Project also deserve a big nod, and you can visit them at http://www.themiamiproject.org/.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as sending Steven Jackson out for some eggs.

Buffalo (+9.5) at PITTSBURGH: Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger is dating “Heroes” star Missy Peregrym – and you thought Hines Ward made nice catches! Steelers 33, Bills 13.

Cincinnati (-6) at CLEVELAND: The Browns this week swapped Week One starting quarterback Charlie Frye to Seattle. Hey, at least he lasted longer than FOX’s “Anchorwoman.” Bengals 30, Browns 14.

Indianapolis (-7) at TENNESSEE: The Colts thrash the Saints by 31 and they can only get a touchdown against the Titans? Your classic trap game, and The Hoser advises avoiding this one like Keira Knightley avoids shower drains. Colts 29, Titans 23.

Houston (+6.5) at CAROLINA: Calm down, Texans fans – it was freaking Kansas City. I’m sure England didn’t get all cocky when they waxed Argentina in the Falklands. Panthers 24, Texans 17.

San Francisco (+3) at ST LOUIS: Here’s a tip for the Rams’ secondary – you may want to occasionally cover the other team’s best receiver this week. 49ers 20, Rams 19.

Green Bay (PK) at N.Y.GIANTS: Due to Eli Manning’s shoulder issues, the Giants may be starting Jared Lorenzen at quarterback this week. When Lorenzen backs away from the center, do his pants beep? Packers 24, Giants 16.

Atlanta (+10) at JACKSONVILLE: The Hoser is expecting Joe Horn to pull out his cell phone again on the field sometime soon – but this time he’ll be firing his agent for advising him to sign with the Falcons. Jaguars 26, Falcons 13.

New Orleans (-3) at TAMPA BAY: The Bucs cut WR David Boston loose this week after a urine test came back positive following his being stopped for DUI. Boston had a good excuse, though – he said it was a contact high from Lindsay Lohan doing a press tour in Florida. Saints 26, Buccaneers 17.

Minnesota (+3.5) at DETROIT: The Hoser is glad for the fans of both of these teams, but the Lions winning means no more converting regular jokes into Matt Millen jokes. Go Minnesota! Lions 24, Vikings 20.

Dallas (-3.5) at MIAMI: Picking up on Wade Wilson’s medical defense of his use of HGH, former Cowboy Nate Newton is now saying the 213 pounds of marijuana he was caught with in 2001 was to help him with his flagging appetite. Cowboys 30, Dolphins 20.

Seattle (-3) at ARIZONA: Yep, the arrival of Charlie Frye is just enough to give the Seahawks the edge here. Seahawks 23, Cardinals 21.

New York Jets (NL) at BALTIMORE: For the Jets – please see the Rams/49ers contest. Ravens 23, Jets 20.

Oakland (+9.5) at DENVER: No. 1 overall pick JaMarcus Russell and the Raiders have finally agreed to a contract. The deal will give Russell $29M in guaranteed money, easily reachable escalators – and the right to tell girls he actually plays for the Patriots. Broncos 28, Raiders 20.

Kansas City (+12) at CHICAGO: Only a 12-point spread? Against K.C., the Bears will cover even if they score only 10. Bears 34, Chiefs 13.

San Diego (+4) at NEW ENGLAND: Because of CameraGate, the Patriots will suffer a few penalties. They’ll lose at least one top pick in next year’s draft, be fined a total of $750,000 – and have to dismiss Chuck Berry as Director of Bathroom Security. Patriots 24, Chargers 21.

Washington (+7) at PHILADELPHIA: The Eagles have expressed some concern about Washington’s ability to videotape illegally on the sidelines, especially given that Redskin owner Daniel Snyder could do it while hiding behind a football. Eagles 23, Redskins 17.

Lock of the Week: Washington

Trifecta: Washington, Indianapolis, Arizona

Lock of the Week: Pittsburgh

Trifecta: Pittsburgh, Dallas, Cincinnati

Week One results:

Straight Up: 10-6

Against The Spread: 6-9-1

Lock of the Week: 0-0-1

Trifecta: 0-1

Total for Season: -$460

Welcome to Week One of the 2007 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where we tap every available resource to bring you the best in handicapping – just not in the same way Senator Larry Craig might.

It’s been a busy offseason. Byron Leftwich is out in Jacksonville, Priest Holmes is still out in Kansas City, and apparently Michael Vick is going to be in for a while. At least Vick’s friends knew how to roll over.

It’s been hopping in The Hoser’s household, too. We’re expecting our second child, but my wife seems to be dead set against naming the new arrival Dobler Dierdorf Hoser. Oh well … maybe if it’s a boy I’ll have better luck.

The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $100 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

To recap last season, The Hoser was 129-123-6 ATS, 156-99 SU, 7-10 on the Lock and 2-15 for the Trifecta. We managed to lose nearly $3K during the season, but made a little back during the postseason.

Which leads us to this final sentence, a version of which you’ll see every week:

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Wade Wilson pick up your prescription.

New Orleans (+6) at INDIANAPOLIS: According to NFL insiders, neither the Saints or the Colts are particularly nervous about opening the season on national TV. Both teams are petrified, however, that special guest John Cougar Mellencamp might play “This Is Our Country” for the 8 billionth time. Saints 27, Colts 26.

Kansas City (+2.5) at HOUSTON: Masked gunmen broke into the home of Texans cornerback Dunta Robinson over the weekend. Police said the burglars were able to enter easily, as Robinson had hired Houston’s offensive line to guard the house. Texans 21, Chiefs 20.

Denver (-3) at BUFFALO: The Bills ranked a stellar 30th in total offense last season, and how did they react? They let disgruntled RB Willis McGahee walk in favor of rookie Marshawn Lynch and Bears castoff Anthony Thomas. The Hoser likens this to when ABC thought “Three’s Company” would be just fine with Cindy replacing Chrissy. Broncos 29, Bills 13.

Pittsburgh (-4.5) at CLEVELAND: Browns rookie quarterback Brady Quinn may not be the starter, but he’s still getting mobbed by girls – despite his uncanny new resemblance to Full Metal Jacket’s Private Pyle. Steelers 20, Browns 16.

Tennessee (+6.5) at JACKSONVILLE: The Hoser has read new starting Jags QB David Garrard will make everyone forget about Byron Leftwich. We looked at last year’s numbers – seven TDs, five picks and a 79.5 passer rating – and said, “Byron who?” Jaguars 30, Titans 20.

Carolina (PK) at ST. LOUIS: The Panther depth chart lists “M. Moore” as Carolina’s third-string QB. It’s Matt, not Michael, but given that Jake Delhomme and David Carr are ahead of him, we’d say that situation is pretty Sicko. Rams 24, Panthers 21.

Philadelphia (-3) at GREEN BAY: The Hoser doesn’t want to say Brett Favre is getting old … but he totally dug our Jenilee Harrison reference back there. Eagles 22, Packers 17.

Atlanta (+3) at MINNESOTA: The Hoser has said for the past two or three seasons the Falcons needed to replace Michael Vick with a real quarterback. Well, we’re still waiting. Falcons 19, Vikings 17.

Miami (+3) at WASHINGTON: Given the drafting of Lorenzo Booker and the emergence of unheralded RB Jesse Chatman, the Dolphins may be planning a musical revival this season – “The Extremely Sinkable Ronnie Brown”. Redskins 24, Dolphins 13.

New England (-6.5) at NEW YORK JETS: Boston Herald writer John Tomase broke the story this week that Pats’ DL Le Kevin Smith enjoys painting roses in his spare time. Smith is not the first NFL player to show an interest in flowers, as I believe several Vikings players had tulips on their members during a boat ride last season. Patriots 24, Jets 20.

Tampa Bay (+6) at SEATTLE: I was mystified to read this week the Buccaneers had decided to keep four QBs on their roster. I did the math several times, and then realized many people are still counting Chris Simms as a quarterback. Seahawks 23, Buccaneers 16.

Arizona (+3) at SAN FRANCISCO: The Hoser doesn’t expect this to be a very exciting game, but check out www.azcardinals.com and listen to the “Wolfleyisms” – the odd phrasings of Cards’ color man Ron Wolfley. Our fave? “Mike Martz would challenge the First Amendment.” Cardinals 29, 49ers 21.

Chicago (+5.5) at SAN DIEGO: This line increases to two touchdowns if Lance Briggs drives Chicago’s team bus. Chargers 22, Bears 14.

Detroit (+1.5) at OAKLAND: The Raiders will start Josh McCown at quarterback in Week One after a ridiculous amount of secrecy from Oakland head coach Lane Kiffin. Man, if that doesn’t sound like a character from a John Hughes film. Lions 24, Raiders 13.

New York Giants (+5.5) at DALLAS: After Tiki Barber retired this offseason, most fans expected to see a big hole in the New York offense. Now, they also get to see one every time Tiki’s on camera. Cowboys 27, Giants 17.

Baltimore (+1.5) at CINCINNATI: The Bengals are reportedly looking at RB DeDe Dorsey, late of the Indianapolis Colts. Head coach Marvin Lewis, short on bodies in the backfield, is also interested in a.a. milne, B.B. King and CeCe Peniston. Bengals 26, Ravens 19.

Lock of the Week: Washington

Trifecta: Washington, Denver, Detroit