Welcome to The Hoser’s NFL Playoff Picks 2009 Week 2, where taking the road dog last week left us in the dog house.

The Hoser hit just one of four games against the spread and was likewise 1-3 straight up. We thought Philly and Cincy would rebound, but they were flatter than Olive Oyl at a wet T-shirt contest. And Arizona, the team we thought couldn’t regroup, did – well, the offense did, at least.

Can we finally put to rest the idea Chad Ochocinco Johnson is a top-tier receiver? Darrell Revis owned him two weeks in a row, and that’s really incredible when you consider how tough it must be to play with Deion Sanders’ slobber all over you.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Jim Leavitt run your church’s youth group.

Arizona (+7) at NEW ORLEANS [57.5]: Forget about Kurt Warner playing for the glory of Jesus – we’re pretty sure that was Jesus out there Sunday night.
But as amazing as Warner and the Arizona offense was, the utter and absolute collapse of the Cardinal defense in the second half was even more spectacular and leaves us thinking they won’t fare any better with New Orleans.
It’ll be a shootout and close enough for Arizona to cover, but the Cards will take the last bullet. Saints 34, Cardinals 30.

Baltimore (+6) at INDIANAPOLIS [44]: We really, really want to take the Ravens here. Everyone knows The Hoser’s staff brooks no Peyton fans, and Baltimore can run all day long.
Still … 34 yards. That’s the number of passing yards Joe Flacco and the Ravens put up last week against the Patriots. Sure, they didn’t need to pass much, but one-dimensional offenses don’t fare well in the postseason.
We hate to say it, but … Colts 22, Ravens 17.

Dallas (+3) at MINNESOTA [46]: We’ve been looking at the quarterbacks for a few days, and does it make any sense they we think Brett Favre is more likely to have a stinker game than Tony Romo?
The Vikings just haven’t been very good down the stretch, while the Cowboys have everything going for them – Romo’s on fire, the running game is great, all the receivers are catching passes and the defense is solid.
The good news is this bumps the schedule up a week or two to start speculating about whether Favre returns next season or not. Oh boy! Cowboys 27, Vikings 23.

New York Jets (+7) at SAN DIEGO [42]: This is the one game we feel really comfortable with in our gut – and that’s a big gut to ignore.
San Diego has been rock solid since midseason, led by the resurgence of the suddenly viable Ladanian Tomlinson and the steady hand of Philip Rivers. We still wonder about Norv Turner, but this is where the Rex Ryan Love Bus finally blows a tire. Chargers 26, Jets 17.

Lock of the Week: Chargers

2009 Playoffs Week 1 Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 1-3
Against The Spread: 1-3
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Money: $-730

2009 Playoffs Season Hoser Picks:
Straight Up: 1-3
Against The Spread: 1-3
Lock of the Week: 0-1
Money: $-730

The Hoser’s Playoff format: The format plays the Lock at $500 each week. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.

Welcome to Week Two of the 2008 edition of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where like a major political candidate, we’re right down the middle.

The Hoser kicked off the season with a pretty milquetoast week – 8-8 ATS and 9-7 SU. We did manage to hit the Lock of the Week, which may be the first time we’ve ever actually called an Arizona game correctly. Through the first 16 games, we’re up an astounding $40.

All this noise about Tennessee Titans QB Vince Young supposedly being distraught and suicidal when he says he was eating chicken wings at a friend’s house – it has to be taken seriously, but we think there’s more being made of nothing here than the last two Matrix scripts.

Remember – these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having a Project Runway winner design your alternate uniforms.

Oakland (+3.5) at KANSAS CITY – O/U 36: The amazing thing about this line is someone is expected to score. Raiders 19, Chiefs 17.

Cincinnati (-1) at TENNESSEE – O/U 37.5: You know your team really sucks when you’re barely favoured against Kerry Collins. Titans 22, Bengals 20.

Indianapolis (-2) at MINNESOTA – O/U 43.5: To paraphrase Mark Twain, rumours of Tarvaris Jackson’s quarterbacking growth have been greatly overexaggerated. Colts 26, Vikings 17.

New Orleans (PK) at WASHINGTON – O/U 42.5: New head coach Jim Zorn may not know how to run a two-minute drill, but he can sure do impressions. It was uncanny how much his expression looked like Stephen Rea’s in The Crying Game when Jude opened the kimono. Saints 27, Yes Your Name Is Offensive 13.

Green Bay (-3) at DETROIT – O/U 45.5: With Aaron Rodgers’s solid debut, the Packers look to already be in midseason form. Of course, so do the Lions. Packers 33, Lions 16.

Chicago (+3) at CAROLINA - O/U 37: Is it fair to say Matt Forte in one game last week did more as a Bears running back than all other Bears RB draft picks combined in the last 10 years? Panthers 26, Bears 14.

N.Y. Giants (-8) at ST. LOUIS – O/U 42: Can the Rams be penalized 15 yards every play for impersonating a professional football team? Giants 33, Rams 10.

San Francisco (+7) at SEATTLE – O/U 38: If that infraction did exist, there’d be offsetting penalties on every down in this game. Seahawks 22, 49ers 17.

Buffalo (+5.5) at JACKSONVILLE – O/U 37: We don’t think there’ll be any better sight in the NFL this season than Kevin Everett walking out onto the turf at Ralph Wilson Stadium. Bills 21, Jags 20.

Atlanta (+7.5) at TAMPA BAY – O/U 38: The Bucs favoured by more than a touchdown? Man, even Bob Griese couldn’t make Tampa Bay that good. Falcons 24, Buccaneers 19.

Miami (+6.5) at ARIZONA – O/U 39: A check with Biblical scholars tells us Arizona opening the season 2-0 is the fifth Sign of the Apocalypse. The fourth was that “Caveman” TV show. Cardinals 30, Dolphins 17.

New England (+2.5) at N.Y. JETS – O/U 37.5: What kind of odds during the offseason would you have gotten on the starting QBs in this game being Brett Favre and Matt Cassel? And then saying Cassel would win? Patriots 23, Jets 21.

San Diego (-1) at DENVER – O/U 45.5: It’s amazing how awe-inspiring a team can look when it opens its season against the Raiders, isn’t it? Chargers 29, Broncos 23.

Pittsburgh (-6) at CLEVELAND – O/U 44.5: “Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo Crennel?” Try the breadline in about three weeks. Steelers 29, Browns 20.

Baltimore (+4) at HOUSTON – O/U 37.5: Unless Hurricane Ike blew in a new offensive scheme, take the underdog. Ravens 20, Texans 17.

Philadelphia (+7) at DALLAS – O/U 47: Easily the Game of the Week. Andy Reid seems to have the Cowboys’ number – too bad we don’t have Jessica Simpson’s. Cowboys 29, Eagles 27.

Lock of the Week: Atlanta
Trifecta: N.Y. Giants, Atlanta, Green Bay
Over/Under Good Buys: Dallas/Philly Over

Week One Results:
Straight Up: 9-7
Against The Spread: 8-8
Lock of the Week: 1-0
Trifecta: 0-1
Money Banked: $+40

The Hoser’s format: The format will stay as it has been for the past two seasons – each game is $100 ATS, with a $100 Trifecta and a $300 Lock of the Week for an even $2K per week. When the bye weeks begin, we’ll jump the Lock to $500 to keep the number even. We’ll use Danny Sheridan’s line in the USA Today each week.