Welcome to Week Five of The Hoser's NFL Picks, where last week was all about the mediocre.

The Hoser was a dead-even 7-7 ATS and 11-3 straight up. Not surprisingly, I managed to punt both the Trifecta and the Lock of the Week. By now I’m pretty sure if I had said George Bush was a stone-cold lock in 2004, John Kerry would be president. Or maybe Ralph Nader.

Still, spirits are high here at THNP, and it has very little to do with the UPS guy leaving a shipment of nitrous oxide tanks here for the dentist’s office next door.

We use Danny Sheridan's USA Today odds as the spread. We tried using Nicollette Sheridan, but she insisted we watch “Desperate Housewives,” and that ain’t happening.

And remember -- these picks are just for fun. Using them to wager money is advisable as having Terrell Owens pick up your prescription for you.

Tennessee @ INDIANAPOLIS (-18.5): Wow. I haven’t seen a spread this big since Courtney Love … never mind. Indianapolis 31, Tennessee 14.

Washington @ N.Y. GIANTS (-5.5): Redskin fans were pleased this week to see running back Clinton Portis back to impersonating strange characters at press conferences. Giants’ fans, however, are less thrilled about Tom Coughlin still impersonating an NFL head coach. Washington 23, NY Giants 21.

Detroit @ MINNESOTA (-6.5): Matt Millen is just not very smart. Asked this week if he could come up with someone who has done a lousier job running an organization and achieving goals, he said, “William Clay Ford?” Vikings 22, Lions 20.

Tampa Bay @ NEW ORLEANS (-6.5): Buccaneers running back Carnell Williams still looks like a Cadillac. Too bad the rest of the Tampa Bay offense is a Vespa. Saints 26, Bucs 16.

St. Louis @ GREEN BAY (+2.5): Can someone get Brett Favre a bottle of Grecian Formula for his beard? There hasn’t been that much salt-and-pepper on TV since “Push It” left the Yo! MTV Raps Countdown. St. Louis 31, Green Bay 22.

Miami @ NEW ENGLAND (-9.5): In addition to getting the points, the Dolphins are also allowed this week to play 13 men on defense, all 11 players on offense will be eligible for passes – and Pats QB Tom Brady will be replaced by Wayne Brady. New England 30, Miami 10.

Buffalo @ CHICAGO (-10): In an effort to fool the Bears’ powerful defense, Buffalo has designed a trick play for wide receiver Roscoe Parrish. He’ll hide behind an end zone pylon. Bears 19, Bills 13.

Cleveland @ CAROLINA (-7.5): The Browns have a linebacker on their roster named D’Qwell Jackson, which is the best football name since another Cleveland favourite -- Fair Hooker. Panthers 27, Browns 17.

NY Jets @ JACKSONVILLE (-6.5): I know Jags quarterback Jake Delhomme is glad to have WR Steve Smith back, but I thought the reacharound after last week’s game was a little much. Jaguars 30, Jets 20.

Kansas City @ ARIZONA (+3.5): The “Matt Leinart Era” starts this week, but it can’t trump the “Cards Still Suck Hard Age”. Chiefs 26, Cards 17.

Oakland @ SAN FRANCISCO (-3.5): Do you suppose there’s ever been another instance where a team lost 41-0 and then was favoured by a field goal the next week? 49ers 24, Raiders 20.

Dallas @ PHILADELPHIA (-2): T.O. returns to Philly, where I suspect he’ll be received about as warmly as a PETA rep at a cheese steak stand. Still, my inside sources tell me there’s not one healthy player on the Eagles’ roster. Cowboys 24, Eagles 23.

Pittsburgh @ SAN DIEGO (-3.5): Is anyone else waiting for Charlie Batch to get the nod? Chargers 23, Steelers 17.

Baltimore @ DENVER (-4): This should be a real slobberknocker, a rough-and-tumble slapfest that could leave someone crying. Oh, wait – we’re not talking about Rosie taking over at “The View”? Broncos 14, Baltimore 9.

Lock of the Week: New England

Trifecta: New England, Buffalo, Carolina

Week Four:
7-7 ATS
11-3 SU
0-1 Lock
0-1 Trifecta
-$740

Overall:
31-28-1 ATS
46-14 SU
1-3 Lock
1-3 Trifecta
-$1,070